When my mother died, the doctor said to me: Don't drop tears on her

There are two kinds of people in the world, one kind of people who know what is really life and death.

If it were possible, we would all want to be at a loss for years.

But unless one is blinded and stupid for life, sooner or later everyone will have to cross a threshold and drink a cup of bitter wine. From then on a big hole in your chest, and from then on you open your eyes to see that the world is missing a corner, and you have to summon up all your courage to look directly at the cruel vacancy.

Elisabeth Kubler-Rose, an American nurse, proposed that when faced with the separation of life and death, people's psychology often goes through five stages: denial, anger, negotiation, frustration, and acceptance.

We invited a few friends to sit down and talk about seeing each other without a cause, talking about tears like raining tossing and turning, talking about seeing things and nostalgia, talking about pain and calming stumbling... Here's their story.

First of all, denial

This can't be true.

It was just an ordinary moment, an ordinary day. Others are at work, eating, laughing, dancing, living an ordinary day...

How could my life have been completely changed by a loss?

The ear didn't react.

That afternoon I was preparing to go to Haidilao with my girlfriend when my husband called and said that my brother was gone. I couldn't understand it at the time, because my brother was still in the WeChat group and was still sending us messages two hours ago... Why is he still gone in the group?

……

I really didn't know what to do in the same place, and I couldn't quite believe what my husband had just said. My brother is a very young and bright boy who has just graduated from Sichuan University and went to a local water pollution control company in Chengdu. His life has just begun, there are all kinds of workplace white doubts, very ignorant of the world is very simple. He also met a girl who was as simple as him, they had just fallen in love, their parents were ready to meet, and their young lives had just opened...

I don't even know what I did after I got that call, as if I had lost my memory of a fragment of my actions that night.

When unbearable pain surges in, we become numb and automatically deny that it is a form of self-preservation.

Denial is followed by anger

We are angry with ourselves, angry that we have failed to prevent the tragedy. We are angry at the other people who "should have helped", as if they could stand in the way of death. We are even angry at the deceased, and in anger they leave us alone in this world.

Xiao Cai's mother died of an asthma attack.

For the next three years, she didn't really come out.

You will always think about things that you haven't been able to do in the past, things that you have done wrong, small things on weekdays, such as she may let you wear autumn pants, and then you say that you are not cold. Every little detail like this will hit you inside.

Then there is the attempt to negotiate

We will think over and over again about whether there was anything we could have done better, whether there was any chance to prevent the tragedy... We will also pray that those who have passed away will live better, that the future will be reunited in heaven...

Xiao Di's grandmother, who does not have any disease, is pure "old", and died at the age of 91, which can be regarded as "joy and mourning" in a sense.

It was a very complete life, but those who were left behind would still be sad.

Xiao Di and her father went to burn paper, which was a fixed place, and it was in that place where paper was burned for grandpa, great-grandfather, and great-grandmother. This time, I added another copy for Grandma. Worried that Grandma did not recognize the way to "take the money", Xiao Di's father burned while chanting to his grandfather and others: "Bring the old lady, don't leave her behind..."

Xiao Di felt that her father was worried about being superfluous.

After Grandma went, it must be the one who manages the money at home, and Grandpa dares not bring her.

Little Flute, who likes astronomy, does not feel that Grandma has "probably become a star" as others say, and she knows very well what the stars in space are.

Scientifically speaking, people are made up of some atoms, carbon and oxygen. After a person dies, these elements will not die, they may go to the steppe, they may go to the sea, they may go to the heavens, and they are always reincarnated. So in fact, whether I can feel it or not, I will feel that she is always there.

There was nothing to negotiate when we fell into depression

Master Bai failed to say goodbye to the fat cat.

Of the 4 cats in my life, they are not high or low, the cutest and the least cute, because they are all my treasures. But the thing that worries me the most is the fat man... Its state is now missing, I don't know if it's still alive, it all happened about 10 years ago.

My mother especially likes fat people, so in the end she can only go to raise plants, she also feels sad, no longer have cats and dogs or this kind of spiritual animals.

We used to write or draw on the kitchen window of my house, and once I wrote "The fat man is home" on the glass, and my daughter-in-law drew a fat man. I didn't know what I was steaming that day, because it was so hot in the house, so the water vapor flowed down the glass, just like the cat cried, and at that moment I felt that I was a little bit bad, to the psychological threshold.

Ultimately, we accepted

Accepting loss takes time.

There is no so-called "right way to eliminate pain", no so-called "right way of mourning", everyone reacts differently, the surging emotions will reach a tipping point at some point, maybe a handwritten note, maybe a pair of worn-out gloves, maybe a similar back seen on the street...

Tears always have a time to burst the embankment.

But suffering has its meaning. It is precisely because of the pain of loss that we confirm that we have loved so deeply. It is precisely because death will eventually harvest life that limited life is more precious.

One day, we face our own loss, walk through grief, regroup our lives, and reconnect with the world and others.

Erke's husband wrote a long, long reminiscence to his brother because:

A person, a life away, should not just go like that, should leave something behind.

Master Bai made up a tune for the fat man

It was an old song called "In Reykjavik", Reykjavik is an Icelandic city, far from Beijing, and it is not much different from the end of the universe. I felt that if the fat man died, in heaven, in another world, or turned into soil, in my heart, it was the same as it lived in Reykjavik. I adapted a version, hoping to give it to a fat man who doesn't know where it is now.

The side dish decided to live well.

One day when I wasn't sleeping well, I thought, (Mother) what she wants me to do, how she wants me to be, what she wants me to be... I felt like she must not have wanted me to be like this today, when I was depressed, confused, and regretful. Then I thought from this point of view, I should be grateful for my existence, I should try my best to make my own life more exciting, to give it a continuing meaning.

Yun fei, who has lost his friend, decides to think of his friend once every time he sees the street lamp in front of a coffee shop.

In 12 or 13 years, we often discussed various entrepreneurial ideas, and at that time, we often communicated at the three-W coffee shop, and there was a street lamp in front of the coffee shop, and every time we came and went, we would pass by the street lamp. After he left, one day I was driving past the place, and I saw the street lamp, and suddenly I wanted to associate him with the street lamp. Because I know the street lamp will be in that place for a long time, I think it's the best way to remind me of him... From then on, I just had to pass by that road and see that street lamp and I thought of him.

I believe that life is meaningless and incomplete without having experienced death. If there is no death, what is the difference between our day and year? What about every minute and every second of ours? It will be more empty, more empty.

Every festival has its meaning. The same is true of Clarity.

On the day of the Qingming Festival, it is the living who are still here, who tell the travelers who have already traveled far:

I still remember you, and I still remember everything we went through together. I am still living seriously, today, every day.

When I feel lonely, I will think of the thorny road I have walked together, and you who went to the stars alone, and I will remember how you have broadened and enriched my world.

We used to comfort each other and support each other. We used to taste the food together and sing together. The limited years we spent together were enough to convince me that eternity does exist.

Although the loss is heart-wrenching, I would rather endure ten times as much pain than never see you.

Text Author: You Zhiyou

Video author: Ah Wei, Shell Sauce, Snow, NaiHe

Editors: Luna, Sister Black Jio

Thanks to all the friends who participated.

This article is from the fruit shell and may not be reproduced without authorization.