Reading Love: "Not a Love Letter" – "Only This Man Burned My Heart"

"Not a Love Letter"

Author: Ding Ling

I haven't left you for two days, and I've been thinking about you. I thought you would come today, and I thought I would receive your letter, but it was now half past five. This proves my disappointment.

I have indeed changed a person recently, this I should tell you, I still like to tell you everything, treat you as my most reliable friend, you are naturally happy that I am like this, I know that you "will never" abandon me, because we are too good, our mutual understanding and tacit understanding, is beyond our words, beyond the status of the average person can understand, in fact, I do not tell you, you know, you have felt, of course you are happy that I can change, can become a little better, But maybe you think I'm being cold to you, or you may feel a little sad that you don't want to admit, or it's that makes you afraid to speak in front of me, so that you often want to escape from me. You want to be able to talk to me for a while, and I want us to say everything, and of course you'd rather listen to me, so I don't have to say a little more about myself and you here. But I hope to hear your detailed answer. Many people say that I am, I know that many people criticize me behind my back when they talk to me, they will not have good criticism, they must always think that Ding Ling is a romantic (which is completely swearing) person, is a person who thinks that it is good to use feelings (different from enthusiasm), is a person who regards the relationship between men and women as interesting and casual (is to remove the dirty meaning); but I know that from my heart, in the past history, I really only chased one man, only this man burned my heart, It has caused me to have some fiery (note: not the terrible saying of the machinery), I have put here many big fantasies of life, I have put small and very ordinary thoughts here, I have suffered for many years, I have always suppressed me. I have done comfort with dreams, dreams have also made my blood boil, made me just want to jump, just want to punch something, I don't lie, I should tell you, I can tell you now (poor me in the last few years, how much I only want to tell you and can't), this man is you, is the man who shouts "××". Maybe you don't believe me very much and feel that I have said it is fire, but I can explain to you again: Yi Jia said that there is a part of the reason for my words, others love me, I will not do anything, Peng zi said that I am cold, it is also right. I really never respect other people's feelings, so there are many things in our past that we don't have to say about it, we only talk about my relationship with Yapin, I don't deny it, I love him, but we started, when we were really too young, we seemed to play with love like all children, we made some troubles, and we were very happy to play together. We don't fear anything, we don't want to, we play with hands together during the day, and sleep with each other at night. We are often laughing, we have another world. We don't think about all the mundane things, we really feel like the children of the myth after a while. Later, more than half a year has passed, we have slowly fallen into reality, only to see that we are a man and a woman, is considered by ordinary people to be husband and wife, of course, we laugh at this, but we love each other more, until later to see you, so that I can not leave him, but also because of our past pure innocence, until later, let me cut off from you, I would rather let me know only me, I am the secret of pain, but also because of our past pure innocence, And also gradually for my love - terrible male love. In short, there is no need to say more about him later, although I myself am getting better to him day by day, in short, it is too natural and too easy for me to fall in love with him, I have not been uneasy, I have not fantasized, I have not suffered. However, for you, it is really a pursuit, and there is a real desire to lose everything and only hear a word from you, that is, "I love you"! It's not hard for you to think about my past, the madness I've had, you think, my eyes, I won't lose a moment not to look at you, my hands, I'm going to put in your grasp as soon as I get the chance, my kissing. I've thought about it, I've thought about it (I don't want to lie to myself until now) to go to Shanghai with you, I've thought about going to Japan with you, I've had that fantasy. If not, I would have gone. If you are another personality, someone like Yapin, you can encourage me a little more, maybe I may be gone. Why didn't you love me a little more at that time, and why didn't you want to get me? You are gone, we meet again in Shanghai, I know that my fantasy can only become a fantasy, I feel that I can't leave and frequency, I feel that you have no courage, but I have not changed to you at all, until you leave Hangzhou, you can recall, I am an attitude, an attitude that is willing to belong to you, a person who regards you as the most willing to trust, I confess to you, a lot of obedience, I have never been like that to people, you are gone again, I did not have my feelings for you because of isolation, I felt that I woke up every morning Those shadows of you that come to my heart with the sound of birds are things that make me feel happy, and whenever I have to burn your letters because of the frequency, my heart is still filled with satisfaction, I just want to think that there is one last person in this world, I love him, and he loves me, although I don't meet, I also feel that it is happy, there is the courage to live, there is a need to live. And I have also suffered, there is no lack of contradictions in this, I often think of you, I often feel insufficient, in the many kisses with ya, I often think that it is good to have one of yours. I often want to sleep in your arms again, with your hands on my heart. I especially when there is a moonlit night, I walk in the forest of those big trees, I sleep on the stone railings and look at the stars from the leaves. My heart runs far, far away, a realm of complete emptiness, where there is only your apparition, "Alas. Why do you have to meet again? I want to see him, just one minute is enough. "This thought often catches me, alas, ××! Why don't you come for a visit! You love me, you don't have to rely on me, you haven't run away from me once, and yet you, you don't have the courage and enthusiasm, you don't come, you don't come when I want you, you come a little late, you come when I'm willing not to see you. So only gives you an unpleasant sign. From this point on, we have been moving away in form day by day. You are sad for me, you are willing to forget me, you are good with another woman. I, I still don't change, I have absolute faith in you, I still think of you, endure everything, how many times I just want to give you another letter, how many times I only want us to see each other again, but the patience has passed. I always think that you still love me, I will always love you, rely on you, I think you love me, constantly, you must care about my interests. I was happier, more wanted to move up, felt more not lonely, felt more fulfilled and willing to be a good person, these words I said to you, Tong Zhao said, Tong Nai Chao also said, you don't pay much attention, they don't understand, but I really lived like this for a few years, only Pengzi knows that I don't lie, I used to talk to him about this, talked about my years of hidden pain in my heart. Speak of the indelible embarrassment of eternal life that you have given me. Then we met again, naturally, we will eventually meet together, we really always have to be together, you ignore me, every time we meet, you have thrown a boulder on my heart, making me uneasy for a few days, and not only met, but also every time when I went out frequently, I foresaw that he was going to see you again, I seemed to be uneasy and stood in front of you again. I don't want to disturb you, I don't want to disturb you, I don't want to disturb other people's work because I'm a woman, I still want to suffer alone, so no one can see my state of mind during this period. Until a few days ago, when I saw you on North Sichuan Road, I saw you striding from behind me and running in front of me, you ignored me, you treated me as an unknown person, you treated me like an insignificant, making my heart jump violently for your back shadow, and sad for your attitude, I hate you, I often angrily think: "Hmm, do you think I still love you?" "But I never mind the disrespect you give me, and I will forgive you the most, I just want to see you again on the road and see how you are, and I always run in the area where you live." In fact, if I don't want to leave you, I have to see you often, which makes me very unhappy, and I have to explain to you once, hoping that you will treat me as a man, don't think that I am often a little sad, I don't know how to tell you my new dreams. This is, my recent past has been like this, until I wrote the letter.

And now, I've changed a little bit, because I see that you have no idea, I'm willing— I don't want to upset people, I want us all to live in peace, to do things, to stop talking.

This letter was supposed to be written very long, but today after seeing you, my mood has become confused again, and I cannot continue. There are many words that I feel unwilling to say anymore, I feel that this letter does not have to be given to you, I am really a useless person, I hope you can do it, you are strong, so that I can be ashamed, I can be miserable, I can ignore everything, I can just know how to be a good person. Encourage me to help me, as I expect from you, because my heart is always upward. I was very confused at this time. Well, good luck to you, my friend forever!

August 11 (1931)

After pressing for two days, I finally wanted to send it to you well. This is not half of the words that are finished, that is, I have changed, and since you like it, you should not think that I am cold to you and feel sad, and alienate from me. That's going to discourage me a lot! Help me and make me a good person. Hope you will come today.

On the morning of the thirteenth

All night, people can not always sleep well; from time to time from waking up from dreams, waking up is still like in a dream, full of sweetness, I don't know how many things are surging in the heart, I just want to be able to tell people something, just want to be able to laugh loudly, just want to do a little naïve, stupid action, but not willing, only willing to stay in meditation forever, because here is full of shadows that occupy you, your voice, and all forms, and your love, our love, which only the two of us can deeply appreciate, No tacky love! I looked at the wall, white, I looked at the sky, blue, I looked at the darkness, floating dust, and yet these things are because of you, because of our love and how kind to me! Today was a good day, better than yesterday, like the weather in March. I thought, I just want to be able to be next to you again, tireless walking, tireless conversation, like we have had, or I will still have trouble with you (that is, love you), we are now purely comrades, everything in the past does not talk about it, we are as affectionate and natural as ordinary comrades, do not ignore me, make us inconvenient. Of course I explained it very well, but it actually needs to be explained this way, and I am used to being patient, so the result is very good. However, I always love you, and every time I talk to you, I am happier, more in need of life, and I just want to be a good person. Every time I hate myself, when I feel that everything is hopeless, as long as you come, I think those imaginations are too funny, I want to be a person, and now I have such stability, my boring those utopian heads, almost to nothing, really because of the courage you gave me, ××! It's just you, only your hope for me, and your personal plan for me, a plan to go down the right path. It was in my heart that I was the most helpful, and it's all undeniable history. I said my recent bar.

I am already a more rational and restrained person, but I still have desire for you, and I still dream about how our lives can be connected. Thinking that we are writing articles at a table, reading on a chair, doing things together, we can talk about anything at will, more informal, more real than with other people, we are more energetic and harder because of our love, and we are less relaxed about life. I thought of even the smallest place, when I thought that your hair must be washed (because I saw your dirty head several times), that your temper must be better, and that your feelings for comrades can be better, I think there are some places where you are difficult to understand, of course I can understand you. And I, I must be diligent, because you like me like that, I must be rational, because you like me like that, I must be the best person, not relax at all, all towards what you like me the most, of course, I am not saying that I am willing to live well because of a man, but the truth must be like that, because of you, I can be a better person, I can indeed be better is no doubt. And it's not a bad thing, but it seems like a dream. I don't think we know why we can't always connect, we can't live like ordinary people, this ordinary is what you call sound. So I always have to say to you, I hope you can love me a little more. The one is better than that, however, no, you stumble over things. You must be in trouble, I, I dare not disturb you again, with a lot of force to press myself on this chair, want to write a little article, because I think I can write a good article, you will be happier, but the article can not be written, the heart far away, flying to those bright white clouds, and you hug tightly, the body is also floating for happiness,

Originally, I had a lot to say to you, to tell you a lot about us, but I didn't want to write it down, waiting for that day to come, until I could lie down beside you for a long time, and you held me, and then we would say our love as much as we wanted, buried deep in our hearts, and never be destroyed.

I'm going to tell you and I want you to love me!

Your "Devalis" January 5 (1932)

It's not a love letter