It's been more than two months since Mom left us. I always felt that in this empty two months, my mother's past smiles and smiles were always in my mind. Every day in my spare time, I look at the place where my mother used to sit in a daze. My four-year-old son, Wheat, like me, opened his grandmother's room from time to time, looked at the empty bed, and was stunned there. At this moment, I had to deceive the children and say that your grandmother has returned to Tangshan, Hebei Province. And inside, how hopeful, my mother is still alive! Our family just had a dream that was a little long and the content was a little sad.
Mom, where are you? Can you walk into my dreams at night? I think about it almost every day. Every time I look at my mother's portrait, the tears can't help but flow down, and I always want to say two words to the photo every time, Mom! Did you know that your two grandchildren, your daughter-in-law, your son, miss you almost all the time?
Every night, I couldn't find my mother in my dreams! I thought that my mother should be in heaven, and my call in my dream could not pass through the clouds, nor could I cross heaven.
Mother, please come to my dream, you are over there in heaven, can you feel the call of your son in the past two months? Mom! Don't be too cruel, I don't have the luxury of asking you to come back, I just hope that you can come to my dreams from time to time, just as you did when you were alive, there are thousands of instructions when you go out; there are hot dishes when you go home; there are head-on drinks when you go asleep in the morning; and there is the window light that you see in the distance when you come home late at night.
If the years could be repeated, I would rather return myself to when I was still a toddler, and I was willing to re-experience my barren childhood, the lonely teenager, the bitter youth. If time could be turned back, I would be willing to snuggle up in my mother's arms with the scruffy child and let everything start all over again.
More than a decade ago, I wrote a partridge day for my mother:
Love the sea sail north to south, loyal and do not change the oath of the same ship. With Xin Ru hard work and hard work, Su Lu cuisine style to learn farming. Plant grains, raise pigs and silkworms, and find sweetness on the road to harvest. Do not worry about the young son's illness, Wutong spring to phoenix.
This word, I have been revising, has been revised to this day, always feel that the words do not meet the meaning, in the end is their literary skills are too shallow, did not describe my mother system, many words in the writing of mother, are empty and pale.
Mom's generation cannot be simply evaluated, let alone measured by money.
Before she met her father, her mother was a teaching teacher who had taught at Tangjiazhuang Primary School in Tangshan, and for her father, she resolutely gave up her job and went to Dabie Mountain with her husband to work as a farmer in Luotian.
At that time, the state's policy was to call on everyone to support the front line of agriculture, and my father was a party member, and although he was already the director of the workshop of the military factory, he still wanted to return to Dabie Mountain to support the countryside. When mom found out, she didn't object, didn't sway my father's actions.
I still can't imagine, what forces dominate my mother, I have asked my mother more than once, asked my mother if she has regrets? Every time my mother said, what regrets, where to live is not a lifetime, where to live people can not suffer. Mom said that life has a number of lives, all of which are accompanied by bittersweet, and blessings and misfortunes depend on each other.
When your aunt Wang Renjian was there, he always said, you old Zhu family, I'm sorry for your mother, I don't respect the readers, and let a literate person do what illiterate people do.
I still remember that my mother went to the mountains to cut firewood, and more than a hundred pounds of firewood burdens were carried out for more than a dozen miles! It's still a mountain road. When I was a child, I went to the mountains with my mother several times, and my mother picked up pine balls in the wheat tree (Luotian dialect, referring to pine needles).
I also remember that my mother got up early to cut the grain before dawn, cut more than half an acre of land and then came back to make breakfast, and my mother also picked rice and grass, which was also more than a hundred catties. When the farm family reached the season of double robbery and four robberies, my mother and father worked together in the dark for more than ten days.
A girl who teaches in the north suddenly has to do this kind of manual work in the farm, which requires a lot of strength and perseverance. Grandma once said that your mother's hands began to blister blood many times, and when hoeing the ground, every time, her hands were stained red with blood! Grandma said, your mother is also really cruel, bleeding on her hands and not letting go, not going home, and she has to finish hoeing the ground.
The memories of my mother, the things I basically forgot when I was a child, and what I can remember are some vague fragments! There was only one thing that I remembered the most, and that was that my mother told me stories every night. Even during the busy farming season, when people are particularly tired, my mother insisted on telling me stories before going to bed! I remember several times, my mother fell asleep telling a story, I woke my mother up, my mother told a story and fell asleep, a story before I went to bed, my mother told three or four paragraphs to complete. Sometimes the mother is too tired, the story only has a beginning, no matter how I push the mother, the mother is difficult to wake up, I don't know if the mother can tell too few stories, or there is indeed such a story, I vaguely remember, some stories are much the same, but the protagonist of the story changed a surname, such as, Zhang Bold's story and Li Bold's story, Wang Xiaohei's story and Wang Xiaohei's story! Now analyze, feel some stories, mom is the original story! When my mother was eighty years old, I asked my mother if she remembered telling me stories at night when I was a child. Mom actually forgot, Mom said, I don't remember, and Mom remembered things, I didn't even have an impression!
Mom used to say that it was a miracle that I could grow up! My mother said that when I was born, I was the first to come out of the foot, and when I came out to let the Buddha out of breath, it was the doctor who lifted my leg, kept shaking, and after shaking out the cry, the doctor said congratulations and said to my father, it was a gun! The doctor knew that my father had been a soldier and had been to North Korea. When my father heard this, he was naturally very happy, and immediately, my father named me Zhu Zhenlin. When I was a child, I didn't know the meaning of the name, but when I grew up, I learned the true meaning of my father's name, and he hoped that I would grow up to be a good soldier and learn from the revolutionary ancestor Tan Zhenlin!
My brother's name is Zhu Zhengguo, this name also has a history, the name is taken from the anti-Japanese heroes festival Zhengguo in Tangshan, Hebei Province.
I changed my name later, and my father was very annoyed by this, and he really wanted to beat me up at that time, but my mother stopped me. I told my mother that I couldn't learn Tan Zhenlin, I just wanted to be an ordinary person and simply live a lifetime. Now this name takes the meaning of Tai gua, Tai'an, calmly in the world, safe life!
Mom said that when I was a child, I loved to crawl on the ground and couldn't wear a clean dress! Mom said that Zhu Xiaomai is now the same as when I was a child, angry and can't move to lie on the ground, or crawl on the ground to play with cars. No wonder my grandmother didn't like it when I was a child, and I didn't like my father, because my body was too dirty! Still my mother did not abandon me, every day when I came back from farm work, the first thing when I came home was to wash me clean, dress cleanly, and sleep with me in my arms at night, no matter how tired and hard, I also had to tell me stories.
Some memories, at this moment, are tears.
Before my mother was born, my daughter-in-law was very filial to her, buying clothes for her mother every year, and every time she came home, she also had to buy food for her mother. Sometimes I wash my mother's hair, sometimes I dye my mother's hair, and sometimes I cut my mother's fingernails! I know that my mother is very pleased and satisfied with her daughter-in-law! So my mother has made a rule for me since I got married, and there are no special circumstances at night, and I can't go out! Can't leave the house!
Mom was born in 1940, and before she died, she didn't suffer from any diseases, and she died at the end of her life, which is also God's compensation for such a kind person as her!
And I, at the time of the Spring Festival sacrifice of ancestors, really did not know what to sacrifice to my mother.
My mother loves crab, I steamed crab, my mother loves roast chicken, I made roast chicken, other than that, I felt that I couldn't do anything! The sacrifice is just a ritual, the mother has gone, can only feel our filial piety in our imagination!
This year's Qingming Festival is coming, I wrote an epitaph for my mother, this epitaph, abstract summary of my mother's life:
My mother Li Shi, Ya Number Yuzhen, Family Lineage Jidong, Tang Jiazhuang People, Chongjun Serving the Country, Inspirational Xiuwen, Beijia Shop Outside, Lianhuan Military and Civilian, My Father and Mother, Love at First Sight, Military Flag as Mediator, Yuanding Three Lives, Early Founding of the People's Republic of China, Agriculture as the Foundation of the Country, Responding to the Call, Accompanying Her Husband on the Southern Expedition, Returning home to Farm, Everything from Zero, Getting Up Early and Returning Late, Learning to Cultivate, Raising Silkworms and Raising Pigs, Humble and Diligent, Serving in-laws, Being Grateful, Cultivating Children, Not Afraid of Late Success, Teaching by Example, Guiding the Elite, Happiness in Old Age, Knees Around Children and Grandchildren, Daughter-in-law Sun Zhi, Purple Qi Linmen, Books Full of Rooms, Brilliant literary stars, kind and beautiful, cultivating and reading inheritance.
Mother, please come to my dream, I will read this epitaph to you, do you see if there is anything written in place, if there is, please tell me, I will definitely revise it, I will take your kindness, let my children remember forever.
Mom! Please come to my dreams, and my father's epitaph, and you will help me to see it:
My father Ershi, trumpet heavy rejoicing, young people in national difficulties, struggling to move forward, young soldiers, entering the DPRK to participate in the war, seeing death as a homecoming, real guns and bullets, triumphant return, military garrison in Tangshan, day and night training, Zhifu Taiwan, western transfer to Beijing, reading for three years, before Tiananmen, military posture Tianjian, my father Chang Huai, pillow ge sigh, failed to do as desired, liberate Taiwan, middle-aged farming, ploughing land, idle reservoirs, busy special shifts, delivering public grain, careful selection, peasant mission, no regrets for the country, indifferent to the elderly, melon and fruit tea garden, teasing Sun Yiqing, with his wife and looking far, the love of his son has two, There are three grandchildren, a happy life, and a complete family.
Mother, in the father's epitaph, there is also your figure, do you think it is okay to express it in this way?
In the spring of March, the grass grows and blossoms, which is also the season of people's sleepiness and dreams, and I believe that sooner or later, one day, my mother will come to my dreams.
Zhu Tai'an
February 5, 2022
