In the high expectations of "xueba" parents for their children, there are many prejudices and misreadings of education

Recently, a video of a "master's mother complaining that her son is a 'scum of learning'" rushed to Weibo's hot search. The mother in the video said that she and her husband are both masters of "985" universities, but under superior educational conditions, the son taught is a "scum". As soon as the video came out, it triggered a heated discussion among many netizens.

In recent years, similar "Kochi" parents' helpless complaints about their children's unsatisfactory performance have frequently appeared on the Internet. In the view of many family education experts, although many parents are accustomed to using learning to measure the quality of their children, it is obviously not advisable to publicly complain about their children's poor grades, for those parents with high education, instead of struggling with why their children do not have the advantages of "inheritance", it is better to learn how to accept the ordinary and re-look at their children from a different perspective.

Behind the "Kochi spit" is a deeply buried cognitive misunderstanding

The mother in the video is hoarse and helpless. She said that she and her husband are both masters of "985" University, and after graduation, they settled in Beijing through talent introduction. Since the first grade of primary school, his father has basically accompanied him to do homework and write homework every day. As a result, now in the third year of high school, children have become "school scum" and especially hate learning. Even if you don't study well, your son is still a "bar spirit" and has to take care of everything. At the end of the video, the mother confessed that her biggest wish now is that her child is safe and healthy.

The same "Kochi" group, a well-known university professor in Shanghai has also posted the same confusion on the Internet. When his son was very young, the professor had high hopes for him to be admitted to the university where he taught. Unexpectedly, in his own eyes, it was easy for his son to practice, but it was "as difficult as ascending to heaven". Afterwards, the professor confessed that the biggest mistake he had made was to ignore his son's needs and impose his own values on his son. Later, when he no longer had "obsession", his son fell in love with learning and was admitted to the London Business School.

"I'm a university professor and doctoral supervisor. I used to think that I would be more capable of educating my children than my mother with an elementary school education, but I found out that this was not the case. Zhang Xiaoqiang, a professor at Chongqing University, also admitted on social media that after his daughter went to junior high school, he found it difficult to guide her studies, "not only can't solve mathematical problems, but also Chinese and English may not be able to do it right... The biggest problem with my daughter was that she didn't take my guidance during her adolescence. ”

As a parent, sorrow and joy are shared. Similar to the fancy spit of "Kochi" parents, the resonance on the Internet is not small. In the view of He Lingfeng, a professor at the Shanghai University of Sport and a member of the Psychology Teaching Steering Committee of the Ministry of Education, the view that "parents have high academic qualifications, children will not be too bad" is actually a misunderstanding.

"There is a saying in genetics called 'mean reversion', which means that the better the parent is in a certain aspect, the more ordinary the child is likely to be in this aspect. Moreover, psychological studies on intelligence have shown that only about 50% of a child's intelligence is genetically influenced by the parents, and the rest is affected by the acquired environment. Children of 'school bully' parents, their academic performance is mediocre, in fact, it is also normal. He Lingfeng said.

The problem is that many parents, especially highly educated parents, often have higher expectations for their children's learning, and the education methods they advocate are not necessarily correct. "After the 'double subtraction', there was a large-scale parent survey in Shanghai, and the results showed that nearly 20% of parents hoped that their children's grades would be in the top 5% of the class. This in itself is another cognitive misconception. He Lingfeng pointed out.

Let go at the right time to let the child grow faster

In the face of the continuous growth of children, even as a "Kochi" parent, it is easy to fall into similar parenting misunderstandings. Zhang Yibin, an associate professor at Shanghai Open University who has long studied family education, found the crux of the problem from the few words of the mother in the video. "The child's father began to accompany the homework from the first grade of primary school to the third year of high school, but the son's learning is still not ideal. In fact, the main body of homework has always been the child. If it is said that in the early stages of school, children may need their parents to accompany them to do homework to help develop good study habits, but when the children are older, especially after entering puberty, parents must learn to let go appropriately. ”

Zhang Yibin analyzed that the quality of children's learning depends not only on IQ, but more importantly, motivation. All kinds of learning methods are actually to enhance children's motivation to learn, trigger interest in learning, and thus form the ability to learn independently and voluntarily. Excessive supervision and substitution not only suppress the child's personalized growth, but also easily trigger the child's rebellious or "lying flat" emotions towards the parents.

"As for the 'lifting bar' in this mother's eyes, it is actually a necessary stage for adolescent growth and development. Will 'raise the bar' to show that the child has grown up and began to have independent thinking, 'lifting the bar' can effectively stimulate the development of the child's thinking, which is not only the process of the child's self-awareness awakening, but also the child's opportunity to show himself and develop his thinking ability. Parents should not think that their children are rebellious because they 'raise the bar', or try to oppress their children's behavior through strong psychological control. ”

Settling for the ordinary is another kind of success

Watching the video, many parents have both empathy and concern. "No matter how old a child is, what they crave most is unconditional love and acceptance from their parents. Speaking of children as 'scum', if seen by children, will cause great harm psychologically. On Weibo, many netizens expressed similar views.

But how can "Kochi" parents accept their children's ordinariness? He Lingfeng believes that the first thing to do is to change the perception of parents: "No matter how good you are, you must also understand and accept that your child is most likely just an ordinary person." In today's pluralistic society, we must not only look at achievements, but also learn to evaluate multiplely. If children can grow up in peace with the ordinary, healthy and happy, it is actually a successful life. ”

Professor Li Meijin, a family education expert who is popular throughout the Internet, has mentioned her children in lectures many times: "My daughter is not a bully, when she was in middle school, her math score was very poor, 150 points of the test paper score, only 15 points, no matter how hard you work, it is not good to learn mathematics." At that time, I jokingly said that you were not good at math, just following your father's genes. Li Meijin said that her parenting philosophy is that she would rather her children not go to prestigious universities and must have a sunny mental health. Therefore, she did not force her daughter to "die" with mathematics, but helped her find other interests until she discovered her daughter's musical expertise. Later, my daughter was admitted to college and became an ordinary music teacher.

"In fact, some people are naturally suitable for reading, and some people have little effect no matter how hard they try. Whether it is a 'school bully' or a 'school scum', every child is a unique individual in the world. As a parent, you don't have to dwell on just one point. Sometimes changing the angle, you will often find the other side of the child's sparkling. Zhang Yibin said frankly that instead of complaining about why children are not like themselves, it is better to create a good growth environment for children, and through parents' personal demonstration, encouragement and guidance, let children learn to face the success and failure of life calmly.

Author: Wang Xing

Editor: Shi Wei

Image source: Visual China

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