In "Holiday Warm Yangyang 2", the mother and daughter of Cheng Man and Tian Shuang look heart-wrenching, as long as the two frame together must be "bloody rain and wind", and the focus of the contradiction behind this is: academic performance.
Tian Shuang forced her to study because of Cheng Man, ran away from home, and viciously accused Cheng Man in front of everyone in the hotel:
Mom, please spare me, okay? I'm really going crazy with you, and I'm going to die if I go on like this.
I admit that I am a coward and a deserter, and I will not be able to make a difference in this life, but please believe that as long as you are not by my side, I will be very happy and happy.
These words can be regarded as vicious for every parent who longs to "hope that the son will become a dragon and the daughter will become a phoenix". For everyone who has been polished by social reality, Although Cheng Man is strong, he is very responsible for his daughter.
Provide high-quality living conditions for her daughter, eat, wear, live and travel to a high standard, plan her daughter's studies in advance, and prepare her for entering a key middle school. But even Cheng Man, who has high standards for his career, has repeatedly lowered the bottom line in the treatment of his daughter's learning, asking top teachers to make up lessons one-on-one, and not requiring her daughter to take the first place in the class, as long as she takes the top ten in the class.
So many top teachers, one-on-one to make up lessons for you, there are a few people in your class, you can't even get into the top ten of the class.
But even if it is such a standard, Tian Shuang still can't meet it. Tian Shuang, who was immediately promoted to the beginning of the small ascension, the English vocabulary did not reach 3000, the Olympic number was not good, the language was flowing throughout the account, the preface did not match the afterword, and even the language teacher was angry to the point of collapse.
Such a child whose academic performance is not good, and who is not grateful, whoever puts it in, the parents will collapse. No wonder netizens said that Tian Shuang was a white-eyed wolf, saying that this child was raised in vain.
But how many children in this world are in line with the wishes of their parents, as the saying goes, "some children are here to repay kindness, and some children are here to avenge", when they meet children who repay kindness, mothers are kind and filial; but unfortunate children who encounter revenge cannot be thrown away or ignored.
Especially in the face of elite parents such as Cheng Man, well-known investors, IQ 140, "Yueyang Louji" will be memorized and can not be forgotten for a lifetime, Go casual learning is the level of amateur 5 paragraphs.
The IQ gap between children and parents is like a chasm, and in the face of a giant-like strong parent, how can ordinary children not be afraid.
In fact, in the face of children's performance problems, accepting children's ordinary, helping them cultivate their inner learning drive is more effective than forcing children to work hard.
Intrinsic drive: Put a long line to catch big fish
Although in the play, Tian Shuang complained more than once, Cheng Man crushed her intelligence, but there is also a big problem in her attitude towards learning, pretending to be very hard in front of Cheng Man, Cheng Man watched mobile phones, played games, chased dramas, and even cut ghost animal videos as soon as he left.
To put it simply, Tian Shuang has no interest in learning, and the reason why she pretends to study is only forced by Cheng Man, and she has no autonomy in learning. Perhaps in her opinion, learning is all for Cheng Man.
Children do not have an intrinsic drive to learn, they do not have the ability to control and discipline themselves, and they do not have the ability to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions.
Just like Tian Shuang in the play, she thought that she could live freely and happily by escaping from her mother, but she did not expect to face more constraints when she came to her father's side: her grandmother hated herself as a drag oil bottle, and she was sarcastic in the open and in the dark, and she could not escape the fate of studying well in the key junior high school when she came to her father.
It is useless to treat learning, escape and persecution, and the most appropriate way to let children take the initiative to learn is to cultivate children's internal learning drive. Help children learn to motivate themselves, and let them understand that they also have shining points in themselves, help children learn to run their own lives, and strive to give meaning to life.
Trend expert and best-selling author Daniel Pinker writes in his book Driving Force:
"Man has three driving forces, the first is the biological drive from the basic need for survival; the second is from the external motivation, that is, the carrot stick mode that rewards and punishments coexist; the third is the inner motivation, that is, the inner desire to do a good job, the internal need to dominate one's own life, learn and create new things, and make our world a better place through oneself."
How do you develop your child's intrinsic drive to learn?
In The book "Self-Driven Growth: How to Scientifically and Effectively Cultivate Children's Self-Discipline", William Styxrud and Ned Johnson offer 6 simple and effective ways to cultivate children's intrinsic drive and how to maintain intrinsic drive effectively in the long term in negative emotions and setbacks:
1. Set clear and realistic goals
Raising children to set realistic and clear goals can help them understand the direction of future efforts, and after setting goals, they also need to think in advance about the obstacles that may arise to achieving this goal and how to solve them.
But setting goals is easier said than done, but do you really set them?
Let's take the example of grades: for children, tests are an important part of their lives, and grades are also a problem that parents and children must face.
If the child's usual score is very stable at 70 points, but the parents want him to score 90 points in this test, the child also wants to get 85 points.
Let's think about the rationality of this goal setting?
Obviously, this goal is set without meaning, because for a child with very stable grades, whether it is 70-90, or 70-85, it is difficult to achieve, and not achieving it will only hit the child's enthusiasm and sense of control.
In fact, the more reasonable goal is 80 points, which is both realistic and challenging. Realistic goals can help the child progress from A to B, which can stimulate his intrinsic motivation and sense of control.
Of course, learning new skills and refining them can also help children stimulate their inner motivation.
It's also effective for some people to write down a simple list of goals, but for others, imagining a visual image of their goal is more effective.
2) Pay attention to what the brain is telling you
Children have a weak sense of control over many things that happen in their lives and do not understand them well. When a child doesn't understand what's going on, they get emotionally out of control.
For example, in the play, Tian Shuang does not quite understand why he has resolutely run away from home, Cheng Man has repeatedly and twice wanted to grab himself back to her side, and when he meets head-on, he will say what hurtful words at the beginning of the article.
But if the child can sort out what's going on in his head, he can be more self-controlled and tend to behave more appropriately and behave more appropriately.
When the child is very hard but still has not achieved a good result, very upset, help the child sort out the key to the problem, give the child a framework, let him accept what is happening, is also a key step in cultivating the child's inner drive.
3. Practice alternative plan thinking and think more constructively
Many times, things don't develop according to the child's goals, so in the face of setbacks, in order to maintain a healthy coping strategy, alternative planning thinking is crucial. If Plan A doesn't go on, plan B can also be executed.
For example, in order to supplement their English vocabulary, a child plans to memorize 10 words every night, but one day someone in the community begins to dance square dance every day, which is very disturbing for the child to memorize words.
At this time, the child can activate the backup plan, get up half an hour early every day, memorize words or start memorizing them immediately after school every day, and review them again before going to bed.
Cultivating children's alternative plan thinking can not only help children better understand the problem and imagine different future directions, but also let children understand that there is not only one good ending, even if the preferred plan is not smooth, the sky will not collapse, the purpose of this is to help children stay calm and maintain control when they encounter difficulties.
Over time, alternative planning thinking can help children become more confident and cope better with stress and frustration.
4) Let yourself go and talk to yourself with compassion
Even if you are the most prepared, things may not go according to their expectations. In the process of children's growth, lows are inevitable, and when hearing children's long-term self-deprecating remarks, parents must remain calm and not rush to argue with their children. Instead, the child should be told this sentence:
"It's the way you look at things, but I have a different view, and I'd love to talk to you if you want to hear it."
If your child doesn't want to talk, talk about it at another time, and if your child wants to listen, you can share with your child some of the setbacks you've experienced. This effective way of dialogue can give children a buffer time, and parents can help children figure out where the problems come from by asking questions, and find out where they can handle and change in the process.
Over time, children can learn this effective way of self-talk from another perspective.
5. Practice refactoring problems
In the play, Tian Shuang believes that he can't meet Cheng Man's requirements no matter what, and he is a waste. In fact, many people have this kind of psychology at a certain time, and they feel that no matter how hard they try, it is useless.
In the face of out-of-control situations in life, one of our most common psychological habits is to interpret catastrophically, interpreting things in a worse direction.
In fact, there is a simple way to help children avoid catastrophic interpretation, which is to teach them to ask themselves when they encounter difficulties: "Is this a big problem, or a small problem?" ”
If the child feels that the problem is too big, it is necessary to teach the child to seek help from the outside world, and if the child feels that the problem is not big, the body will activate the self-soothing mechanism to calm himself down.
In fact, the most important purpose of our children to train them to reconstruct is to teach them to seriously examine their own ideas and redirect in a positive direction.
6. Exercise more and play more
In his book "Exercise Transforms the Brain," John Reddy says that if students exercise heavily in the school curriculum, their academic performance will improve significantly.
In fact, exercise is not only good for academic performance, but also conducive to cultivating self-regulation ability.
In addition to exercise, playing more is also beneficial for children. Play allows children to strengthen their cerebellum and learn to take control of their world. When children are still in their infancy, play is the best way for them to learn.
In fact, for the inner driving force of learning, some parents may feel indifferent. But even if our children can't become the gods and bullies according to our expectations, even if our children will eventually return to the ordinary. But having an intrinsic driving force to learn can help them change from 1 to 1.5, although we do not expect "hope that children will become dragons and women will become phoenixes", but we still hope that children can have a livelihood skills through hard work, happy and healthy.