During these years of deep immersion in psychology, I came to a conclusion:
All kinds of psychological pain of modern people can benefit from self-care.
Whether you are facing the problems of interpersonal relationships, family intimacy, or the confusion and pressure of personal development...
Self-care is perhaps the simplest and most effective healing and repair.
Launch the first article of this series today, talk about: what do you do when you value things that you can't always do?
The author | Su Xiaofei
Responsible editor| Chen Shenshen
Everyone, to a greater or lesser extent, has "wanted to do but never done":
Always planning to lose weight, but none of them really succeeded;
I want to be gentle with my children and partners, but I can't control my temper as soon as I come up;
Desire to be successful at work, but to complete basic work is difficult;
……
At this time, frustrated, frustrated, unable to lift up... The whole person loses the grip and is even more unable to do things.
So, how exactly did things get screwed up?
There are two key reasons.
Reason 1:
Set an unrealistic goal
Let's start with a story.
Jiang Li is 35 years old and the mother of a 7-year-old girl.
She loves this child and wants to be a gentle mother and give her child a good education.
But interestingly, she inherited her father's temper – irritability, especially in the face of people close to her.
For more than 30 years, she has been like this, on the verge of breaking new ground.
So there was this scene:
Once after work, she took her daughter to the supermarket.
Before going, the two made an appointment: they could buy snacks, but not ice cream.
But as soon as he arrived at the supermarket, the child kept clamoring for ice cream.
She burst into flames:
What ice to eat in the big winter! I just said I don't eat it, why do you always say you don't listen?!
A scolding made her daughter cry.
Seeing her daughter's tearful look, she immediately woke up again and couldn't help but blame herself:
What's going on?! I'm not saying, be a gentle mother!!!
From the birth of her daughter, such a scene was staged for 7 years.
Ms. Jiang still failed to achieve her goal of "gentle mother".
She was frustrated and wondered if she was qualified to be a mother.
Ms. Jiang, like most people who are "stuck in place," set herself an "unrealistic" goal.
Why is the goal unrealistic?
Because she wants the "bad self of the moment" to immediately become "the imaginary self that meets expectations."
There is no intermediate step-by-step process at all.
In ms. Jiang's eyes, only from "grumpy mother" to "gentle mother",
And what about the actual difficulty of this matter and the time required?
Ignored.
If she stops a little and thinks about it, she will have a better understanding of the current situation —
It seems that in addition to throwing a tantrum, I don't know how else to communicate with small children;
There are a lot of bad things going to work today, and I haven't digested my emotions;
In this way, Ms. Jiang can solve practical difficulties in a more targeted manner:
oh...... I need to learn a little how to communicate with children;
The next time you are more emotionally blocked, you must first calm yourself;
When we let go of the expectation of "getting better immediately" and patiently look at ourselves, we can achieve it little by little, even if it is only 60 points in the end.
Worse still, they will treat "normal setbacks" in the process of doing things as "overall failures."
But the reality is that even if you consciously control your temper, there are always times when you lose control.
This is normal and hard to avoid.
Hurt the child, apologize afterwards and make amends.
Understand that you are just an ordinary person, but also believe that the child has his own adaptability - he can learn to digest and accept the imperfections of his parents.
In this way, we will not think that we are bad because of a setback and choose to give up our efforts.
Teacher Wu Zhihong said:
When the mind sets a goal, it is ambitious because it is not limited by time and space.
However, when the body executes, it often encounters many difficulties, and it is difficult to achieve immediately.
So, if you're always "trying to do it and can't do it", think about it:
Am I demanding that I achieve my goals immediately, easily, and without frustration?
When we have unrealistic goals, we are more likely to encounter the reef of reality.
And the disillusionment of this illusion will also push us into the abyss of self-attack, and the more distant the goal is.
Reason 2:
Violently attack yourself
If an unrealistic goal is powerless to change,
Then self-attack is even worse.
Friend WenXiao, used to be harsh on himself.
At work, she naturally also aspires to perform well and gain the approval of her boss and colleagues.
But the reality is that the daily work alone makes Wen Xiao anxious:
Inefficiency, daily overtime;
There is no good rest, and it affects the working state of the next day;
As a result, the progress is getting behind, and the results are ordinary.
One key reason is that self-aggression consumes a lot of her time.
As long as the task at hand does not go well, the critics in their heads will immediately jump out and point at themselves and scold:
Why do others do so well, and you are so bad?
Moments of self-threat pressed against her head:
I'm not good enough; once I'm not good enough, the consequences are severe.
Under self-attack, the brain constantly creates "shame" and "anxiety", and things are messed up.
Why is this messing up?
First, the intense uneasiness that comes with shame anxiety can make us unconsciously avoid problems.
Wen Xiao couldn't help but avoid it at work.
Every time you open an unfinished document, you must do a good job of long-term psychological construction: brush your phone, chat with colleagues, take a deep breath...
Not only that, but she even gets herself in the way – to avoid the stigma of failure and give up doing important things.
2 years ago, Wen Xiao hoped to make a video on station B, but now it is still delayed.
Because she was particularly afraid: if she tried hard and failed, wouldn't that mean that she was really bad?
As long as you procrastinate, you can live in an imaginary sense of security: if I do my best, I may be able to do well.
Second, shame and anxiety can make us withdraw, timid, and not believe we can do things.
Research shows that our belief in our abilities is directly related to our ability to achieve our dreams.
That is, the more you don't believe you can do it, the more likely you are to fail.
Because the anxiety about the result can greatly destroy the state of our work.
The body becomes tense, and the worried voice will always be buzzing in the mind:
In case I mess up, the performance of this month will be very miserable, and the boss will look down on me...
As a result, every moment that should have gone all out was consumed by negative emotions.
How much energy do you have left to do things well?
We spend too much effort to avoid failure
So I don't have the energy to get things done
Setting unrealistic goals, and then violently attacking ourselves, it is easy for us to mess things up.
Obviously eager to get better, but caught in the strange circle of failure.
It sounds cruel, like a curse.
So, how is this way of doing things cultivated?
A key factor is:
Growing up, our successes were taken for granted, and failures and faults were always taken seriously.
Probably many people have this experience:
When performing well, the parents do not say a word;
And poor performance, there will be adults immediately jump out to accuse:
If you continue to be so decadent, you don't want to go to college;
You see what you're all fat, and you don't hurry to lose weight;
Such an attitude implies:
1, failure is a minefield, you can not touch.
So, growing up, we spent a lot of energy avoiding failure.
But in the end, I was frustrated to find that no one wanted to experience their own difficulties.
2, do a good job is the norm, no big deal.
Otherwise, why did I get no response when I was ready? And if I don't do well, I will be severely punished?
There must be something better, and I'm going to get closer to that one.
3) Criticism is an effective method of self-motivation.
Some people think back to their own growth and say: Fortunately, my parents were very strict and forced me...
This is a typical "identification with the critic", which holds that only when people are criticized can they really get better.
Worse still, a person who has been criticized for a long time, self-criticism will also persist as a way for him to protect himself.
First of all, self-attack can make other people's evaluations appear superfluous and weaken the force of being hurt.
As the Power of Self-Care says:
I'll preemptively criticize myself before you.
I've realized how unsatisfactory and imperfect I am, so stop saying ugly things and telling me what I already know.
Secondly, self-aggression can also make us high, full of superiority and power.
What does that mean?
When we blame ourselves, we are both critics with whips and critics who shrink in the corners.
We are powerless and injured because of being attacked, but we can also experience a righteous anger as disciplinarians.
And the latter will make us feel very good: at least I can turn the bow of the ship in time to punish myself for making mistakes, which is not bad!
Awareness is the beginning of change.
So, at this point, we must ask, how can we break the curse?
The core is to allow yourself to start "getting things done."
Want to get things done,
You have to learn to take care of yourself
People who always fail to do things have both the critic and the criticized living in their bodies.
The two sides turned against each other, confronted each other, and eventually consumed themselves.
And a person who can do things knows how to care for himself: let the various selves in the body live in harmony and work together to face the challenges of life.
So, how can you learn to care for yourself and start doing things?
You can try an exercise in The Power of Self-Care: Chair Dialogue.
1, first think back to a thing that you want to do or can't do, and it will lead to self-attack.
2. Use 3 more chairs, each designated as the various selves in the body: the inner critic, the criticized, the wise caring observer.
3. You need to take turns to role-play between these 3 and fully express their voices.
In this way, the inner voice has the opportunity to let go of confrontation and understand and integrate with each other.
How do you practice it? Take the unsuccessful weight loss as an example.
First, sit in the self-critic's chair and express his or her voice, such as:
How can you be so lazy and undisciplined?
Think about the extra flesh on your body, disgusting.
If you can't reduce it, no one will like you!
Then, change to the chair of the criticized person and feel your feelings when you are criticized, such as:
You criticize me like this, and I'm hurt and anxious.
I'm afraid that I've always been so fat, and I really can't imagine the consequences...
In this way, the indistinct pull between the two sides in their minds can become clear and visible.
Then, have the critic talk to the criticized.
as:
Critic: I usually exercise a lot and also refrain from eating. But you are like a policeman crouching on the side: as long as you lose control once, you will desperately accuse me, and say that I am disgusting, and I am so sad.
Critic: Sorry to make you wronged.
Critic: Also, losing weight isn't as easy as you might think!
Sometimes I can't help but eat when I'm full because I've had a bad thing, but I can't find another way to get rid of it. But your accusations have made me eat more!
Critic: It turned out to be like this, I'm sorry, I really didn't think about it. I'm just really anxious that you can't get down, and I'm afraid that you who are fat are not liked by anyone. I patronized myself scared. Next time I will try to understand you.
Critic: Thank you. I also want to tell you that before I only knew that you were very strict and fierce, but I didn't expect that there was so much worry and fear behind your attack.
Critic: Thank you for your willingness to understand me.
When we stop at superficial accusations and hurts, and look deeply, we can hear each other's feelings and needs:
The critic is shrouded in uneasiness; the critic is filled with anger...
Finally, sit down in the observer's chair and use your wisdom and love to speak to the critic and the caring person, respectively, such as:
To the critics:
I really feel bad when I see you being self-attacked and powerless to shame.
You must be very hurt and tormented, and I want to take you away from this pain.
You don't want a high-ranking critic, but someone who can support yourself and work with you to find a way.
To critics:
I can see how aggressive you are, how anxious you are behind your back.
What I want to tell you is that whether you are successful in losing weight or not, whether others like you or not, I will always love you and care for you.
When the observer transmits love and care to the critic and the criticized, the confrontation gradually dissolves and understanding begins to occur.
This exercise requires you to spend some time and practice it repeatedly.
But gradually, you may find yourself able to face the frustrations of the weight loss process in a more positive way.
For example, when you are lazy and give up a workout, or when you don't keep your mouth shut,
In the past, you may attack yourself, and as a result, you will eat more, or even break the jar and simply give up weight loss;
But now, you might touch your head and reassure:
We are not gods, and there are always times when we can't control ourselves, which is normal.
Let me think with you about why you failed this time and what can be done to help you.
Whether you lose weight successfully or not, I've always been there.
A defeat, then, is just a setback, and it does not turn into a snowball that is getting bigger and bigger.
At this point, the internal war finally stopped, and the inner peace was returned.
Of course, mastering the ability to take care of yourself is not achieved overnight, it needs to be practiced.
But as we become more and more skilled at soothing ourselves, we can build a safe place in our hearts.
Self-care provides a quiet hideaway from the endless "good" and "bad" self-judgment and stop asking "Am I as good as they are?" Am I good enough? "This kind of problem.
Within reach, we have a way to get the warmth, support and love we have longed for.
- "The Power of Self-Care"
At the same time, we can get better and better.
As psychologist Carl Rogers put it:
Strangely and paradoxically, I accepted myself as I am, and I could change.
Finally, our body and mind are back in harmony, and every energy can be used to become a more abundant self.
Author: Su Xiaofei; Editor-in-Charge: Chen Shenshen.
The original public number of this article: Wu Zhihong (ID: wzhxlx).
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