This alienation is sometimes not just a personality trait, sometimes it's more of a way to protect yourself. For example, they may have experienced a feeling in their past lives that "although they are not particularly needed, the other party is good to them/has no malicious intentions, so there is no reason to refuse".
Recently, I have often noticed some issues related to interpersonal distancing.
The objects in this article can usually maintain normal social relationships for most of life. For example, there are appropriate appearances in the relationships of colleagues, relatives, ordinary friends, and people who meet for the first time.
However, in some deeper, intimate relationships, they often feel helpless, troublesome, hard, easy to "consume electricity" and exhaustion, and over time they tend to think that a person's state is more comfortable and comfortable. There are often claims that group them introverts, but when you think about it, it's more than that.
Image source: Ordinary People
In my own opinion, this kind of interpersonal alienation is sometimes not just a personality trait, but sometimes more like a way of self-preservation. For example, they may have experienced a feeling in their past lives that "although they are not particularly needed, the other party is good to them/has no malicious intentions, so there is no reason to refuse".
Such an attitude superficially provides a pleasant humanity in interpersonal relationships with others, but for the individual himself, it produces feelings that personal boundaries are invaded and that the true needs of the self are ignored or obscured.
They worry that expressing rejection in person raises fears that "relationships may break down" and regret for "failing to live up to the kindness of others." What is even more exhausting is that under the pinch of worry and guilt, it is more difficult to justifiably defend your boundaries by saying "no". As a result, the way to retreat to the second place is that they will quietly fade out of some relationships, or simply keep a certain distance from people. Although this approach is passive, the advantage is that it protects its own territory without breaking up the relationship.
To form such an interpersonal model, it is not only an innate personality trait, from the perspective of development, its Chinese, parenting style, and self-concept formation will have an impact on such an interpersonal model.
01 Cultural expectations of "understanding and obedience"
After each different culture, there are different expectations of the individual. In our culture, for example, most parents, under the influence of Confucianism, expect their children to be obedient, sensible, filial, and educated. These expectations may evolve into requirements (e.g., you must meet these expectations) and indicators of whether a person is good or not (you are a bad boy if you are disobedient and ignorant).
At the same time, cultural expectations are usually the product of social development, so the environment we are in will also urge the development of individuals to conform to social and cultural expectations through various rules.
Image source: "100 Yuan Love"
For example:
◍ If the child is obedient, then he will be praised by authoritative roles such as parents and teachers, and will be envied by his peers, and these positive evaluations will encourage individuals to get more social praise by conforming to cultural expectations.
◍ On the contrary, if you are too insistent on your own opinions and ideas in the process, it is relatively easier to be evaluated as: ignorant, stubborn, naïve and rebellious, and may also encounter more difficulties in parent-child, teacher-student or peer relationships.
Under such a positive and negative force, in order to obtain enough sense of belonging and security in the process of growing up, we usually make our growth trajectory closer to the cultural expectations of individuals.
That is to say, in such a big environment, obeying authority and being in tune with most people will save yourself a lot of trouble or blame, and maintain a relatively safe state in the group, while being yourself and expressing your personal views is relatively more risky.
02 Parenting in the name of love
In 1982, the mainland incorporated family planning into its basic national policy, and since then, most of the post-80s and post-90s families have been one-child families. In this process, parents interact with each other suddenly less during the parenting process, and some parents will unconsciously invest their self-fulfilling wishes and expectations on individual children.
In addition, most of the post-50s and post-60s generations have experienced turmoil and change, and their experiences and experiences convey a survival signal: food and clothing are worry-free and stable.
Due to various reasons, parents of the 50s and 60s in their own growth process, there are often many children caused by the individual does not get enough attention, the development of the individual will be more hindered by the objective environment; various factors will make the 50s, 60 generations of parents more inclined to give their children the part they did not get or complete to the maximum extent, but also caused in the name of love, the child's various requirements and pressures.
Image source: Dog Thirteen
Under such a premise, parents will take for granted what they think is good as what their children think is good. For example, children are required to study hard, be strict with themselves, go to a good university, find a reliable object, and so on.
Of course, parents want to be good to their children from the bottom of their hearts, but they ignore factors such as the inconsistency between their children and their own times and different cultural backgrounds, which directly leads to contradictions.
We often hear people complain that "I said I didn't like it, but my parents had to let me go, saying it was for my own good", or "You are still young and don't understand things, listen to your parents' right".
In this process, the child experiences that his voice is not heard, his opinion is not important, he must accept something that he does not need, but the parents think they need, and after he tries to express rejection, he will feel strong guilt and self-blame because he is evaluated as "unappreciative and ignorant".
03 Self-concept
Under the influence of culture and parenting style, the individual's self-concept is also affected. Self-concept can roughly be understood as a way for a person to understand and see his own existence. In intimate relationships, the confusion between the needs of others and the needs of the self can make an individual's self-concept unstable.
If the feeling of being loved that we experience in an intimate relationship (whether it's a parent, lover, or friend) is tied, confused, or conditional, then the message from that experience may be: If I reject the "love" of others, I will disappoint them/I will hurt them/I will lose an important relationship/I am not a sensible person.
That is, in such a situation, we feel encroached upon, ignored, emotionally kidnapped while being cared for, and deeply believe that our needs are harmful (because if I insist on myself, others will be hurt because I insist on myself). You will constantly sacrifice your own needs again and again because you always have to "take care of others".
Image source: Nagako Soybean Field and Three Ex-Husbands
In the long run, the individual will be torn apart by two feelings: if I want to gain intimacy, I must sacrifice my needs and space, but if I express my needs, I will hurt the people who care about me and immerse myself in endless guilt and self-blame.
In such a torn relationship, it can be difficult for a person to feel clearly and forcefully that holding on to one's needs is something that is allowed, blessed, and beneficial to oneself. Individuals also feel a strong conflict: on the one hand, there is a strong desire to insist on their own needs, and on the other hand, they dare not do so blatantly because of many restrictions.
In this case, slowly alienating yourself from relationships that make you feel encroached upon, or not even opening an intimate relationship, becomes the least costly way to protect yourself.
04 Is it bad to be estranged?
If the assumption that interpersonal distancing is for self-preservation is true in you, then you don't have to condemn and doubt that this "pattern" is bad, because this pattern benefits you to some extent.
Some people may not expect change, because they grow up with a circle of relationships that satisfies themselves, and they have a hobby or career that allows them to be satisfied in a steady stream, and they seem to have "abandoned" intimate relationships, but have gained freedom and space, and they can enjoy themselves in the process.
If you have some expectations and desires for intimate relationships, you may try to make some different attempts.
Image source: Melrose
1) Try to say what you need repeatedly, gently, firmly, and loudly, and say important things three or thirty times
In the past you may have given up arguing with others because you experienced your own voice being ignored. And your silence or inaction may also reinforce the other person's belief that you "need to do this."
So, when you feel like you don't need it, try to express your wishes firmly. Some of these people may really feel that you have "changed" and leave you, but there will also be some people who will continue to maintain a relationship with you while trying to respect your wishes.
2. Gradually improve self-concept independently
In the past, you may have cared more about what others said about you, because you grew up in meeting these expectations and evaluations. And your self-confidence and good self-concept may fluctuate with the fluctuations in other people's evaluations.
Try to think about how you really want to change, what is the difference between what you are now and what you can do from the simplest things you can do to make your state close to what you want to look like.
3) Build some more inclusive and diverse interpersonal relationships
Try making more inclusive and diverse friends. Inclusive relationships that allow you not to worry that you don't meet a certain "good" standard allow you to change tracks, allow you to respect your own feelings, and allow you not to work so hard.
Of course, a good relationship may be unattainable, but don't give up on such a possibility easily.
4. Seek help from psychological counseling
A matching counselor may be a relatively stable, inclusive and accepting relationship. In such a relationship, one can more definitely experience the feeling that one's needs are allowed, that one can refuse without "paying the price," and that one can be oneself and be blessed.
I believe that many people who have conflicts and struggles actually contain some kind of untapped self-energy that can be more naturally revealed and manifested in an open and inclusive relationship.
Author: Nie Xilun Consultant
Editor-in-Charge: Ripple, Min
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