Today is the 2250th day of intensive reading to accompany you throughout your life
How long after you got married did you start getting bored? I know there is such a problem.
Some answered seven years, some answered five years, some answered three years.
There are also people who directly teach the experience of how a middle-aged couple without love can live in harmony and reciprocity.
Love seems to have a shelf life.
Then we can probably only passively wait for it to disappear, day after day.
Maybe one day it's unbearable, explode or give up.
Next, start a new relationship and continue to repeat the previous path.
Just like Chen Junsheng in "The First Half of My Life", the lover changed to his wife, only to find that life was the same as before.
So, is there any way to maintain love?
Chen Guo said: Long-term love is to fall in love with the same person again and again.
I think that long-term love should be two people who constantly fall in love with each other.
The following three points are the ways in which Ian McEwan brings us about emotional maintenance in "Only Love Strangers".
1
Maintain freshness
Immutable is bound to bring boredom.
Colin and Mary were a seven-year couple on holiday in Venice.
Like all couples who have passed the hot love period, they start to get bored.
Because they know too much, their relationship, like carrying too many suitcases, has become a drag and a constraint, and no one can go on an adventure alone.
At first, like completing a travel mission, they went to several attractions.
For the next few days, they either hid in hotels and didn't go anywhere, or they wandered the streets, and the only thing they did was eat, even if they weren't hungry.
They often get lost. When they can't find a way or a restaurant, boredom comes to mind, and the two remind each other that they are "on vacation".
Do you still need to be reminded of a real vacation?
Eventually, tourism became a torture.
In intimate relationships, freshness is especially important because it is one of the reasons love begins.
Think about it, you find that your lover is a fascinating underwater mountain, and the longer you know him, the more you can find him different. Loving such a person, there will be surprises every day. How can such feelings be tired.
But freshness is not inexhaustible, how can you keep yourself fresh?
The first is to maintain an independent space. The second is continuous learning.
2
Stay independent
The second couple was somewhat different from normal people.
Husband Robert grew up under the control of his father.
When his father got up to go to the bathroom, no one else was allowed to get up. All the legitimate requests of the two daughters, such as inviting friends to play, wearing white socks, visiting the theater, etc., the father will justly refuse, in the name of fear that they will learn badly.
Robert's sister secretly used her mother's cosmetics, and when her father knew about it, she was immediately beaten.
Robert had nightmares as a child, but he couldn't admit it.
When he grew up, he perfectly inherited his father's three views and desire for control, and even more "carried forward".
At home, his domestic violence against his wife, Caroline, became worse every time.
At one point, he even broke her ribs, and she couldn't go anywhere and took a long time to go downstairs.
His wife, Caroline, is also a completely independent person.
When she first got married, it was a blank side. Later, he was abused by Robert and beaten, and he actually adapted to being beaten.
However, every time she meets someone outside, she can still perceive that her life is abnormal, but she does not have the courage to escape.
Because of the worst beating, Caroline raised it for a long time. She sneaked up the street once and came back to find herself unable to go up the stairs.
Husband Robert came back and ignored her and went straight back to sleep. She stayed downstairs all night.
Then Robert took her back, and she never came out of the house again, for four years. Because she was afraid that she would not be able to go upstairs when she left.
The two of them are very similar, neither of them has an independent life of their own. Robert lived in her father's shadow, and Caroline lived in Robert's shadow.
Such a life is sad, because they will not feel happy in anything they do, and can only satisfy the short happiness through some short-term madness.
Although our ordinary people's love is not so crazy, not being independent enough is a problem for many people.
In the movie "Heartbeat", Julie falls in love with Bryce at first sight, and she has been trying to get close to him.
The boy thought she was dirty and didn't like her.
Julie knew what she wanted, and she worked hard sincerely, hoping that one day she would get what she wanted.
But the boy's late maturity and self-esteem made him hurt Julie repeatedly.
Julie eventually decided not to like him anymore.
Most people who have watched the film have highly praised Julie's independence.
Independence is: clarify your goals and bottom line, and then maintain the bottom line in the pursuit of your goals.
Of course, while being independent, we also respect the independent space that the other party needs.
3
Keep learning
It's easy to find a momentary pleasure to get rid of boredom.
Mary and Colin get lost in the street and meet Robert.
Robert volunteered to show them the way and talk to them.
Then invite them to their own home.
Mary and Colin enjoyed the freshness brought by strangers and drank them all by accident.
The two lovers met in this way.
Mary and Colin could see the perversion of the way Robert and Caroline got along. In contrast, I feel that my pair is the happiest of all my friends.
The sudden strangeness makes their feelings come back to life.
They were curious about the Roberts, and although they knew they were dangerous, they couldn't help but find out.
In the end, Colin is brutally raped and killed, while Mary is drugged and witnesses the cruelty of the whole process.
The perversion of the Roberts has reached a point where only destruction can be painful.
The pursuit of the comfort and excitement of the moment, like taking drugs, makes you want to stop more and more the further you go, but as soon as you stop, it is already a moment of destruction.
It's a low-level pleasure.
Lower-grade pleasures of a lesser degree are everywhere in life. For example, we swipe our mobile phones, read paragraphs, waste a lot of time not to say, and unconsciously lose the habit of thinking and working hard.
Longer, more advanced enjoyment requires continuous hard work to learn.
When my cousin first got married, she was almost not favored by everyone. Because the family disparity is too large.
The cousin-in-law is the second generation of the authentic rich, while the cousin is an ordinary worker family.
After the two of them first got married, they didn't want to do anything, just play around.
The cousin-in-law even wants to quit his job and spend time at home with his daughter-in-law.
My cousin suddenly woke up, and she felt that she could not go on like this. So the two began to work together.
It was a dark time, and my cousin found herself doing nothing well, and no company wanted her.
Later, she happened to encounter a new company that was established, and there was a lack of sales, so she rushed to go. The three-month probationary period only took one order, or his husband bought it.
She didn't want to concede defeat, so she worked overtime every day after work, going door to door to sell in the community.
Now, the cousin's career is getting better and better, and the cousin has also made sales a career through hard work, and has been praised by the leaders in public many times.
My cousin said how hard the learning process was, how happy it would be to recall it in hindsight. And learning a variety of different things also gives her more opportunities to experience different enjoyments.
As Julie said, "The higher I climb, the more enchanting the scenery in front of me becomes." ”
4
Fumiko said in "I Don't Want an Unchangeable Life": "I don't want an unchanging life, not to resign immediately, not to say that I will go on a trip, nor to squander time at will.
Instead, I wake up early in the morning, face this still ordinary world, change my smile, change my way home, and listen to my heart. Bring courage to embrace the world. ”
The essence of maintaining love is actually the embodiment of the connection between the self and the outside world.
Only by seeing oneself and seeing each other can we clearly define where the focus of maintaining the relationship is.
May you not be numbed by the immutable life and have the courage to try new paths.
Image: From the web
Author: July Flowing Fire (1992 ~ unknown), member of the Intensive Reading Friends Association. He loves reading, traveling, and listening to stories.