On the afternoon of the third year of junior high school, after I got my junior high school diploma, I went straight out of the school gate to take the No. 45 bus. After getting out of the car, I walked into the factory that read "Strongman Styrofoam," bypassed the big flower beds full of cockscomb flowers, and walked into the workshop where my mother worked. Then, I approached my mother, who was busy at the workbench, and said to her loudly, "I have a crush on Lu Fei, and I will marry her." Amid my mother's surprised gaze and the laughter of her colleagues, I walked back from the same road with my head held high, and then stood at the school gate waiting for Lu Fei to appear.
As an adult, every time I recall this incident, I am still touched by my courage at that time. Although I knew that it was just a simple liking at that time, this kind of liking may not have anything to do with real love. Just like the love of candy when I was a child, and the slightly older thirst for toys, Lu Fei was a replacement for candy and toys for me at that time, an expression of a growing boy's hope that he could be recognized by the world.
Seriously, the world has always been an unsolvable mystery in my eyes, and if I can't be the explorer to solve this mystery, then I have to be self-indulgent and mediocre, living more and more confused in this mystery, and finally dying inexplicably. When I think of this way of dying, my scalp tingles.
I walked into the school gate with all kinds of questions, and learned all kinds of knowledge in it, and when I stepped out of the school door, I suddenly found that the previous questions no longer made me feel like needles and felts like before, and I no longer wanted to find out, although they still existed. But I don't think it's happiness, on the contrary, I think it's the school that makes me more and more stupid, so that I start to ignore my own desire to explore, and I no longer like to ask questions, so people like me live, and the end result will only be to make myself feel disgusted with myself.
Since I started school, for my teachers, I have been like the United States under George W. Bush, a troublemaker. I always asked some strange questions in class, so much so that some teachers scolded me in front of many of my classmates, saying that my way of thinking was strange and did not look like an earthling.
In the first class in elementary school, the math teacher taught us 1+1=2, and I interrupted the teacher and asked her: Teacher, why is 1+1=2? The teacher glared at me very rudely and said to me, you just remember, don't ask so much. I was startled by the teacher's expression and did not dare to say anything more, but this question took root in my mind. Later, in the nature class, the teacher said that this biological world is a biological chain, each creature has natural enemies, they are interlocked, and the absence of any section will lead to the collapse of the natural environment. So, I asked the teacher: What is the natural enemy of our people? The biology teacher smiled and replied to me, biologically speaking, people are at the top of the food chain and have no predators. I then asked: Then didn't you say that every creature has a natural enemy? The teacher stopped smiling, and after he gave me a strange look, he began to lecture, leaving me with another big question.
When I was in school, I learned a British proverb: The flesh of this person is the poison of others. Suddenly, I realized why the biology teacher no longer answered me at that time, this is because man's natural enemy is man, and countless events in history have long demonstrated this, but this aspect does not belong to biology but sociology. Later, I also learned that there was a "Goldbach conjecture" in the world, which was proved by Chen Jingrun's decades of energy. This series of "knowing" made me suddenly open up - in fact, I am not alone in the world with countless mysteries, but everyone treats these mysteries differently: some people are saying, some people are doing, and some people themselves do not say and do, and do not let others say and do. Speaking of which, I have to mention my parents' attitude towards me and Lu Fei's affair.
I've always wondered if my liking for Lu Fei can be called "love." Because before that, I liked a lot of girls who looked like ****in my eyes, including my classmates when I was in kindergarten. Whenever I loudly announced in front of my parents that I had a crush on so-and-so today and would marry her when I grew up, my young parents would laugh and lean forward and praise me for being a man, a situation that lasted until I was in the fifth grade.
One day in the fifth grade, I was at the dinner table again, talking about a girl in the class. At that time, I used a few adjectives I had just learned, first saying that she was like a peach blossom, then saying that she was waist like a willow, and finally saying that her voice was very good when she laughed, and when I used what adjective I was stuck, I bit the head of the chopsticks, stared at the ceiling for about half a minute and did not think of it, and finally I slowly expressed my infinitely beautiful mood with a statement sentence: "Her laugh is a little crazy, I like to listen." My parents didn't praise me this time, they looked at each other meaningfully and began to eat silently with their heads down.
After the meal, my mother went to the kitchen to wash the dishes, and my father came to a long conversation with me with a serious expression. He told me that my task now was to study hard, not to judge girls, and he hoped that I would become a craftable material in the future, not a wolf whistling at girls on the street.
When I heard these words, I felt a little angry in my heart. I can't figure out what's the contradiction between studying well and judging girls, and why a craftable material can't whistle at girls on the street. And I can't figure it out, if I don't say this, is it that in the future I will become a useless wolf who will only judge and whistle at girls.
As an adult, I know that love is a very simple thing. Falling in love with someone and then finding an opportunity to get along with her, of course, is if she is happy. If there is enough money in the wallet, go shopping with her, and when there is not enough money in the wallet, find a reason to avoid her, and then pull her shopping when there is a lot of money. If what she likes is you, she will care about everything about you, including all your strengths and weaknesses, if what she likes is your money, she will care about your wallet, and obey you when your wallet is drumming, and be cold to you when your wallet is not drumming.
If my sixteen-year-old can have half of the insight into society and life when I was thirty years old, I will definitely adopt a non-hasty and patient attitude to slowly build myself, rather than always worrying that I will not be recognized by others, and in a hurry, I will fall and climb, making myself look cute and impatient. But without the mindset I had when I was sixteen, there wouldn't have been the transformation I had at thirty. Life is always full of paradoxes. Chairman Mao is right: Experience and lessons have made us wise.
On the afternoon when I was sixteen, I stood at the school gate waiting to land Fei. She's a grade below me, so she still has a year to graduate. I stood at the school gate, listening to the bell ringing after school, and then I looked at the campus from time to time, and it must have looked like the emperor penguin on TV later. When I found Lu Fei's figure in the crowd, my heart was hot and I was instantly filled with happiness.
A person who is often filled with happiness must be a person who is emotionally fragile. Of course, this is something I'll know later. Lu Fei, who walked out of the school door, as usual, still didn't look at me squarely, just walked forward. I hurriedly followed behind and talked to her: "Lu Fei, I graduated today." "She ignored me. I went on to say, "I told my mother that I would marry you later." This time she stopped. Her face turned red with anger, and her eyes were wide open and angry at me, and I believed that if Lu Fei had a sword in her hand, she would not hesitate to pick up the sword and cut me, the frivolous person of her heart, in half like a watermelon. But she doesn't have a sword in her hand, and I'm not a frivolous person. I bravely looked straight into her eyes, trying to make her see my true feelings in my eyes. We looked at each other like this for ten seconds, and she opened her mouth coldly and said word by word: "You are such a scoundrel." ”
Lu Fei's "rogue" has nothing to think of, it does not have any intimate meaning, on the contrary, she is reminding me that from the beginning, I was such a person in her mind, and I will not have any good impression in the future. Because the way I and Lu Fei know each other is the "rogue" model.
I was in the second half of my junior year, and Lu Fei was in the second half of my second year of junior high school. In the afternoon, after school, she walked in front of me and Lin Li with a small school bag, the evening wind blew in gusts, I smelled the fragrance wafting from her, I believe Lin Li must have smelled it too, and his expression suddenly became very strange in an instant. He turned his head and said to me incoherently, "If you dare to lift her skirt, I will lose you a basketball." ”
"What's not to like?" I gave him a contemptuous look and walked forward with great strength.
But at the moment when I was close to Lu Fei, my heart beat suddenly accelerated, and unprecedented tension suddenly enveloped my whole body. When I walked behind Lu Fei, she stopped as if she had a premonition that something was going to happen, and then turned and looked at me quietly. My body stiffened suddenly, and my brain "buzzed" into a blank. But I still mechanically reached out and grabbed her skirt, and then looked down at Lin Li behind me with a crying voice and said, "You see, I said it was pure cotton, you said it was chemical fiber!" You come and see, whether it is pure cotton or chemical fiber! ”
After the incident, Lu Fei found the address of my home through the student council, and then she wrote a letter to tell my parents what happened. In this matter, Lu Fei is very assertive, if she is directly reflected to the school, it is not a good thing for her to me, but tell my parents that the situation is different, so that you can narrow things to the minimum, but you can get better results. Some people's intelligence is innate, and Lu Fei is like this. Therefore, it is not surprising to me that she was successfully admitted to a prestigious university in Shanghai in the future, and then admitted to the "TOEFL" and flew high to the United States. But what is strange to me is that after my parents learned about this matter, they neither beat me nor scolded me, but maintained a silent attitude, just looking at me with a vicious look, walking past them, I always felt a cold whizzing in the back of my head, as if Cao Fang saw Sima Zhao, there was a feeling of a thorn in the back. From my understanding of my parents, this gesture is actually a more terrible statement, to put it bluntly, it is "the past is not to blame, to see the after-effects", the meaning behind it is: If your little bunny cub does something contrary to personality and morality, and provokes us to turn again, you are not just a pain of flesh and skin.
Under this attitude of my parents, I had to apologize to Lu Fei with a hard scalp, and I knew that once my parents held high the banner of righteousness and made the act of "killing my relatives in righteousness", I would be sent to a work school, or at worst, I might be unable to take care of myself, and I would spend the rest of my life lying in bed and across. These things, my mother may have pity on her son, but it is difficult for my father to say. When I was ten years old, I had a small dog at home, which usually looked very cute and cute, but I had a bad habit that I couldn't change, and I liked to everywhere, so I never let it into the house, only allowed to stay in the yard. One morning, my father opened the door for morning exercise, just from the house into the yard is a "flat sand falling goose" fell heavily on the ground, the beach below the body does not need to look, smell to know what it is. After standing up, he was a little embarrassed and angry, rushed into the kitchen and could not wash his hands, picked up the rolling pin and went to the yard to face the dog's head, the little dog screamed and fell to the ground and convulsed, and soon he died of blood and hatred. As a result, my mother nagged about it for more than half a year, because not only did the dog die, but she also put on a rolling pin. The dead little dog was buried as fertilizer in the rectangular flower bed of our house, which was also a benefit to the flowers and grass. The broken rolling pin was thrown at the root of the wall in the courtyard, and it was later lost. That summer, the flowers in the flower beds were growing very vigorously, and all of them were only tall and did not have flower buds, so that when the people who came to visit my house, they wondered, "Why do you grow so many sorghum in your family?" "When the wind blows, these tall pole plants are exaggerated brushing, and the small winds of the first and second degrees sound like a hurricane of level ten from them, causing my mother to always get up in the middle of the night to close the windows." That year, I happened to learn Mr. Lu Xun's "Female Hanging", and since then, I have come back into the courtyard at night and walked around the flower altar against the wall roots, afraid that when I pass by the flower bed, I will be held by these high-pole plants and make it hang up.
For me, apologizing to Lu Fei is a painful thing.
Lu Fei's apology to me was not enthusiastic at the beginning. After school, I waited for her to come out in front of the school gate and told her that I had come to apologize. She walked forward without a word, and I repeated the phrase in the back until she got on the bus home. She never said I accepted my apology or said no. This embarrassed me because I didn't know how I was going to tell my parents what I had done with the matter. After a long time, as soon as Lu Fei's female classmates saw me, they smiled and said to her, "Your apologist is here." "I'm embarrassed. Until one day I was in a hurry and yelled at her, "You have a word!" She remained silent. In this way, I was like an ant on a hot pot.
After I started working, one of the words that my profiteer boss often said was "responsibility", and his demand for us was to be responsible. Its concrete manifestation is that today's things must not only be done today, but also consider whether tomorrow's things can be done today. In this state of mind, everyone in our company has become paranoid, so there are always endless classes, and always have to show themselves better than others. In fact, a little deeper thinking can think that in the eyes of the boss, the company is just his money-making machine, and the people in the company are the spare parts of this machine, so that everyone will feel bored and bored, so everyone is not willing to think like this. Because few people except the real sufferers will admit the truth of life, and everyone has the instinct to escape cruelty. That's why there is the hymn of "singing and dancing to the level", and there is the phrase "the form is very good", so that in this kind of flying words, people like me who only know a few words are confused, thinking that people who come to the world originally want to live to be depressed, that is, to beg for food like hanako is normal, not that everyone can live happily, eat happily, and get what they want, so fortunately, there are "people under the peaceful world" who come forward to save us from water and fire, so that we can live like a fish in gratitude. That makes me
I remembered the praise of the ancients for Confucius: there is no Confucius in the world, and the ages are like night.
And Lu Fei belongs to an extreme "irresponsible person" in front of me. Her uncooperative attitude forced me to explain to her all the consequences that could occur to me if she continued to take a stand, including the tragic situation in which I would not be able to take care of myself in the future, and told her that if she did not accept my apology today, then I might be ruled by my family's "peaceful world" today, and if I did not accept it tomorrow, the odds of this possibility would be greatly increased. She only responded faintly, that's your business, what's the matter with me? Lu Fei's attitude made me grit my teeth but helpless, the only thing I could do was to honestly follow her after school every day, and Xiang Lin repeated "I apologize" like Sister-in-law Xianglin. But she still walked forward without heart and lungs, and her surroundings were still the heartless laughter of her female classmates. When I was in high school, one of my near-year physics teachers was a "hat-off rightist", and when he said something wrong in class, he would slap his face with his palm, nod his head and waist and say to the whole class: "I am wrong, I should be damned, I am sorry for the party and the government, sorry for the people and the students." At this time, the whole class will laugh loudly, they think this kind of humor is the ultimate humor, and I know that this laughter is a kind of heartlessness and no lungs, because they don't know how heavy the heart of the person involved is, just as Lu Fei and her female classmates don't know my heaviness.
The repeated fruitless apologies to Lu Fei caused me to be nervous every time I came home, and I didn't know what kind of thing would happen when I pushed the door in. To my surprise, my parents never asked about it. But that doesn't mean they're good at forgetting, and whenever I show a proud gesture for something, my father will ask me lightly, "Do girls accept your apology?" "Every time he asked this question, I immediately fell like a frosted eggplant without hesitation. This shows that I was born with the power of dictatorship and acquired the qualities of being a "good citizen" from an early age.
My apologies have been going on for an entire semester. During this semester, I gradually learned to turn my guilt toward Lu Fei into an appreciative look. Under strong pressure, gas can become liquid or solid, and metal can change shape like dough at will, so my transformation is also a reasonable thing, and everyone can become A Q, depending on what kind of environment he is in.
I no longer apologize to Lu Fei, and every time after school, I will follow behind and make a comment about her today's clothes. For example: Lu Fei, your white shirt yesterday is very beautiful, and today's color is not suitable for you. Lu Fei, how does your hairstyle look like my aunt's, and how much does it cost? Lu Fei, your pants are so beautiful, with your figure is simply not worth saying!
Lu Fei was still dismissive of my expression, but I found that if I said one day which piece of clothing was not suitable for her, she would change to another style the next day. In my memory, Lu Fei's clothes seemed to be many, and it seemed that they had never weighed more. At least that was the case during that semester. I also found Lu Fei's cuteness in this unique interaction with Lu Fei. If I've ever really liked her, that's where it started.
Since Lu Fei characterized me as a "scoundrel", I began a long and hot vacation. My parents judged that I could be admitted to the second middle school based on my secondary school results. Then I was ordered to stay at home, not to go out and run around, and to invite my classmates to play at home, but I could not go out. I shut up at home and did nothing, every day I played my curiosity to the fullest, rummaging through boxes and cabinets, I didn't know what I wanted to find, but I just felt that this home was very strange to me, there should be many things I didn't know, I should look for it. I pulled out their condoms from the bedside table in my parents' bedroom, looked at them curiously, and quickly put them back intact. I pulled my birth certificate out of the TV cabinet, looked at the picture of me naked, and stuffed it back with a red face. I also pulled out dozens of love letters from my father to my mother when they were in love, and I carefully read one, the content was lackluster, and people who didn't know thought that ordinary friends were pulling a family routine. Until one day, I found a few suspicious e-mails from the drawer of my father's writing desk, sat down on the couch and was just about to check them, when I was interrupted by my father, who suddenly returned, and in a hurry, I stuffed the e-mails into the back of the sofa.
The reason why I still remember the situation that afternoon is because my father beat me much harder than before, although I grew up very well as I was already a half-grown guy, but my father did not soften because of this, and my father slapped me on the ass while grumbling that he did not expect to train such a unqualified son, and turn things into a mess like a thief. The two kinds of people he can't tolerate the most are people who mess around with other people's things and people who spit gum on the ground, and my qualities are not worthy of being his son.
I lay on the couch listening to my father's slap on my ass and his grumbling, thinking he was wrong. Because I've heard him tell his mother before that the two kinds of people he can't tolerate the most are people who spit gum on the ground and people who don't wipe their butts after pulling shit, these two kinds of people are too unqualified, the former is not responsible for others, and the latter is not responsible for themselves. Now, in order to find a reason for me to be beaten, he has changed it to "the person who messes with other people's things", and I am very disappointed by my father's unprincipled style.
The reason I was suspicious about those emails was because I saw that the sender's address on the envelope was school. The day after I was beaten, when my parents got to work, I rummaged through the suspicious emails from behind the couch. There were four letters, three sent by Lu Fei and one written by her parents.
Lu Fei's parents said in the letter that after they heard Lu Fei say what I did to her, they were very angry out of their parents' instincts. Later they asked the school about it, I wasn't the kind of bad boy who was full of malice, every boy had naughty times, so they were able to forgive me. But I hope that my parents can give me good guidance and don't let it go, otherwise it is difficult to say which direction to develop in the future.
In the first letter, Lu Fei accused me of doing harm to her, hoping that my parents would discipline me, and explained why she did not want to report it to the school, and she did not want me to look up on campus because of this matter. In the second letter she talked about my apology to her, but she didn't pay attention to me, because she didn't want the matter to end so easily, she said, in fact, when she saw me pitifully following her and asking for her forgiveness, she agreed in her heart, but she just wanted me to suffer a little. So ask my parents not to punish me for not accepting my apology. In the third letter, she told my parents what I said about going to marry her, and she said that she didn't expect things to become so complicated that she would transfer schools next semester so that I wouldn't really make any mistakes, and hoped that my parents would take good care of me in this regard.
After reading these four letters, my heart finally landed like a stone. I know that my family's "ordinary people" will not punish me anymore, and I will not have to go to work school.
Don't worry about not being able to take care of yourself in the future. But my heart was empty again, because I would never see Lu Fei again.
After going to high school, Lu Fei was getting farther and farther away from my life, and I never heard from her again except for the occasional appearance in my dreams. But every time I woke up from a dream with Lu Fei's figure, I had an unspeakable feeling of pity. In my sophomore year of high school, I read the full translation of Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tales, which contained a "Glorious Thorn Road", and I suddenly remembered that in my father's love letter to my mother, I had seen this sentence, and he said to his mother that life is a glorious thorny road, and we walk through it with hope, walking carefully and lonely, only hoping that those who have the same feelings can walk hand in hand. Now that I think about it, my father was as deep as a poet when he pursued his mother, and he didn't have the courage of anyone who I looked up to and boldly told her to marry her. For me, if life is really a glorious thorny road, then Lu Fei is the first thorn I stepped on, which makes me feel the joy of embarking on the road, but the pain is unforgettable.
Entering the university campus, love has become an important way for the masses to consume life. People in love sing the beauty of love, and people who are out of love curse the nothingness of love. But in my circle of life, there are several times more people who have lost love than people who are in love. I was as neutral as Switzerland in World War II, walking between the teaching buildings, dormitories and libraries every day, no one threw roses at me, and I never threw them at anyone, compared to the first three and three years before I was, I was so angry that I didn't know whether I was mature or depraved.
There are people in friends and classmate circles who spread the myth that love is a byproduct of sexual desire, but I don't support this view. After all, life still has to have hope, and optimism is a very easy thing for life, if there is too much sadness, it is very detrimental to the progress of mankind. In this respect, I admire our forefathers, who painstakingly created religions, bringing hope to mankind with boundless enthusiasm and encouraging people to move optimistically into the future. Love is the ideal of reality, religion is a distant expectation, although the ideal is easy to destroy but very easy to re-establish, the expectation may be distant but always waved in the place where it can be seen. I couldn't even figure this out, and I was very skeptical of the intelligence of my friends and classmates.
Just when I thought I was going to end my college life without leaving any traces, I suddenly received a letter from my parents to me from the United States. I curiously took it apart and found that it was Lu Fei's.
In her letter, Lu Fei simply stated her admission to university and her trip to the United States. And explained that she had come to this letter because after many years, she still felt extremely strange about what had happened between me and her before, and strange to the point that she was unforgettable. She said she wasn't surprised that she went to college, that she went to the United States, and that the strangest thing she felt over the years was my acquaintance with her. She said that she was walking well on the road, and suddenly a stunned young man came from behind, lifted her skirt for a strange reason, and then walked away with a straight face. Then it took another semester to apologize after her like a fart, and then this apology inexplicably turned into a daily comment about her dress. On the day he graduated, this stunned Qingqing said something to her at the school gate that would make her soul scatter. She said that all this now seemed like something that could only happen in a dream, and that everything was unreasonable, but it happened to her. She said that this matter had been bothering her for so many years, and now that our era of pure love was over, she dared to write a letter and ask what I thought at the time, she just wanted to find an answer to so many years of trouble, and it didn't matter if I didn't want to write back.
I told her in my reply that I didn't know why, at that age, I didn't need to make a reason for myself. But please believe that my apology is sincere, the comments about her dress are sincere, and even the words that were said at the school gate after graduation are sincere, but these are limited to our pure love era, and do not count now. Because I was a hungry child at that time, love was as attractive to me as a bun. But now, both she and I know that there is something more delicious in the world than steamed buns, so love can no longer arouse my desire for it. This cross-ocean reply cost me more than fifty dollars in postage, and my heart ached as if I had been cut off from the flesh of my thigh.
Lu Fei later sent me a letter asking me what the phrase "steamed buns" meant, and she didn't quite understand. I threw the letter aside and didn't reply to her, and I thought bitterly that the great education system had turned a clever child into an idiot again, but fortunately this idiot went to America and went to disgust the American people. I don't have to cut meat anymore.
Four years after graduating from college, my parents watched me live like water, and finally couldn't help but start giving me a girlfriend everywhere, but one by one, to no avail. Now it's their turn to act like ants on a hot pot. If they criticize me a little, I threaten them with a twinkle in my eye: "Don't nag! Believe it or not, I'll play a single stick for the rest of my life to show you! "As soon as I roared like this, they immediately stopped making noises like gourds that sawed off their mouths." I think, feng shui takes turns, finally it is my turn to play in front of you, this kind of good day is not much, wait for really find a girlfriend and then get married as a husband, it is like an animal got a rein to put on, I have to live under the dictatorship like I used to give you a son, so I am really not in a hurry, wait until I am bored with such a day, and then consider getting a rein for myself. Dear Mom and Dad, I love you very much, but you are in a hurry, and I can't control it.