"Let your parents send all the money from the family, and the teacher will accompany you here to cry..." | be careful!" Guilt manipulation is "everywhere." "The teacher coaxed and scolded, you guys

"Let your parents send all the money from the family, and the teacher will accompany you here to cry..." | be careful!" Guilt manipulation is "everywhere."

"The teacher coaxed and scolded, and you were still crying."

"Did I keep you from leaving?" Have I dragged my feet out of class? What's there to cry about?"

"Let your parents send all the money from the family, and the teacher will accompany you here to cry... We don't go to class anymore, doesn't that work, does it work? ”

Today, I accompanied my child to the interest class, and during the waiting period, I overheard the above words said by other classroom teachers. The cause is estimated that some children's crying has affected the classroom, and it can be heard between the words, and the teacher has emotions. Because I overheard it, I had never been in contact with this teacher before, and the child had not taken her classes, so it was not easy to judge the teacher's teaching style.

From these words alone, I didn't feel very good in my heart, and even evoked a memory of going to junior high school. At that time, the young class teacher who had just graduated was in front of the whole class, crying and complaining about everyone's disobedience and discipline, which made her feel very sad and frustrated. I still remember the feeling of guilt, even if I was at the time, the grades were OK and did not make trouble or add to the chaos. That feeling of overwhelmed guilt, I was clearly not wrong, but I was "accused" by the people who were regarded as the authority in my heart at the time, and I had to admit my mistake. It's a very uncomfortable feeling.

Through the glass window, I saw several five- or six-year-old children with their mouths pursed, their small hands tugging at the corners of their clothes, and their small bodies bouncing tightly and motionless. A little girl who looked to be only three or four years old had been wiping her tears with her sleeves, and she didn't dare to move her little feet, but finally she moved out of the classroom in small steps, and as soon as she left the classroom door, she cried loudly. The feeling of guilt on the children's faces is the same as that of me.

At that time, I did not know how to distinguish my tangled feelings, but now I can recognize them at a glance, which is "guilt manipulation".

From a psychological point of view, there are two types of guilt.

One is spontaneous, when we sincerely think that our words and deeds have hurt others, we naturally feel guilty;

The other is imposed by the outside world, and we don't think we're wrong inside, but because of the reactions and performance of others, we feel that we're wrong, especially when this happens to someone we love or respect. We understand that this feeling of "being wrong" is not our true feeling.

The latter is what psychology calls "guilt manipulation."

"Guilt manipulation" is common in everyday life, but it is not easily perceived. For example, your Ba's illness is all about making you angry (meaning, if you want him to be good/healthy, do as he says); our only wish is that you get married/have a baby (meaning, you don't get married/have a baby to make us sleep and eat well); your class of students is something I brought with me (meaning, you let me down?). ）。 Are these very familiar? Each of us may have heard these familiar words.

Guilt is an emotion, and the emotion itself is not good or bad. Proper guilt can help us introspect and help us determine whether we have hurt others or harmed their interests. Excessive guilt can lead us to take on responsibilities that do not belong to us, and even form a mindset of dissipation. Have you found that guilt can change our original behavior habits?

By manipulating the sense of guilt, the other party feels ashamed of himself, and the other party unconsciously does something that meets his expectations out of a psychology of making up for it. This process is "guilt manipulation."

"Guilt manipulation" is more common than we think, and is especially common in intimate and parent-child relationships, where many people become manipulators unconsciously. Manipulators have a wide variety of people, and they can be friendly, low-key, kochi, grumpy, domineering, and so on. They may be parents, elders, partners, co-workers, friends.

What are the bad effects of being "manipulated by guilt" for a long time? On the one hand, it is easy to form a self-attacking thinking mode. When facing the problem, you will subconsciously say to yourself in your heart, all because of where you are not doing well, internal friction is serious. On the other hand, it is easy to create a flattering personality. In order to escape the inner self-blame and external criticism, they will unconsciously cater to the needs of others, even if they go against their own feelings or interests. For example, the writer Jiang Fangzhou once mentioned in "Strange Story" that he was once a flattering personality.

Since "guilt manipulation" is everywhere, how do we identify it? Judge whether the other party has always placed the ta in the position of the "weak", based on their own feelings, and do not need to be assisted by any external conditions. When you feel that you have been disappointing him, no matter what goes wrong, it is your fault, and he often acts like a weak person in front of you, and pleasing him becomes your "obligation". Well, this ta may have carried out "guilt manipulation" on you.

Learning to recognize "guilt manipulation" is a very important first step in ending it. After identifying the other person's manipulative intentions, the first step is to directly and clearly state your current feelings, and confirm with the other party whether your feelings are what they want you to do. The san step is to establish a good sense of boundaries, affirm self-worth, and learn to reject. The three steps to ending "guilt manipulation" seem simple, and in reality it takes repeated practice to operate it.

Going back to the situation mentioned at the beginning, it is very difficult to let the child complete the three steps by himself at once. But as parents, we can encourage our children to express their feelings bravely and honestly, so that children understand that it is an important thing to pay attention to their feelings and needs.

[Originality is not easy, piracy must be investigated.] I am Fang Yuan's mother, like to read, like to use psychological knowledge science to raise children]

Discussions on various baby raising issues and methods are welcome in the comments section.