In the past two days, I have watched the "handwritten one" in "Human Disqualification" three or four times back and forth, which has never been seen in my extracurricular reading experience. In the past, when reading a book, it was usually after reading a whole book that I would read it again from the beginning a second time, unless I read part of it for too long and forgot the front. And why did I look at the first tenth of the "handwritten one" over and over again this time? I think it is probably because of its "mourning".
The sense of "mourning" of "Human Disqualification" is the same as the sense of "loneliness" of "One Hundred Years of Solitude", which can be felt from the title of the book. One seems to say, "The whole world is not good," and the other seems to say, "All your life is lonely." It does look like it is negative to the extreme, and it feels hopeless.
However, this is contrary to our universal values, and society demands positivity and positive energy. And these two books are classics among classics. If a book can only bring people something negative and decadent, then I feel that its existence is not very meaningful, at least, it cannot become a classic of classics.
I have heard of "Human Disqualification", almost every amway person says that it is very "mournful", and the author Osamu Dazai also committed suicide shortly after the publication of this book, so I have always wanted to see it but did not dare to read it.
Because I am also a person who thinks that I am very negative and pessimistic, if I read a very "mournful" book, I can't guarantee that I will not have a strong empathy with it, which will lead to consequences that are not good for myself. After all, overall, I still want to accompany Wen to the whitehead.
And this time I was able to pluck up the courage to open it, mainly because of the reading of the teacher of the academy last Saturday, she shared some classic quotations from the book, which made me feel very touched and felt that it was time to read it.
In order to prevent some bad influences, I decided to pair this book with "The Courage to Be Hated", and joked with my classmates that "this is my last stubbornness".
Unexpectedly, when I read "Hand Note One" for the first time, it was very resonant, and it felt like I was talking about everywhere. For example, the opening paragraph reads: "Looking back, my life is full of shameful memories. For me, what kind of life I should have, I am completely confused. "I think there should be many people who have such a feeling, don't know how their lives should go, very confused, completely impenetrable."
We also want to be like many people around us, enjoying every day, and even running desperately for one suite and one car all our lives. At the very least, their goals are clear and they seem satisfied.
However, I often feel that my life should not be lived like this. I don't want to be a house slave, a car slave, and I don't want to be forced to do something I don't like or approve of for the sake of a house and a car, and I don't want to have to stay with people I hate.
Think of a line in the movie "Lost Evil": Without wine, why live long? For people who love to drink, without alcohol, life may be hopeless. When I was a child, I didn't understand what my great-grandfather said, "There is no wine, and I feel that there is no food to eat when I am full of Chinese." "It's like I can't understand a lot of people and many things right now, and like other people can't understand my thoughts.
Fortunately, I feel that I understand very well what Osamu Dazai is doing and thinking, which also makes me have to be vigilant.
Another example is the book that reads: "Once I am accused, I feel that it is entirely because my own ideas are wrong, so I always silently endure the attacks of the other party, and my heart is so frightened that I almost go crazy." ”
At work, I have relatively high requirements for myself and the pursuit of perfection, but whenever there is a little flaw, I feel that I am useless. Once there was an online meeting, because of the equipment problem and interrupted, as a contact person I instantly blushed, very anxious to solve it quickly, and then they kept comforting me, always said to me "it's okay, take your time".
In fact, if you think about it carefully, it is indeed a trivial matter, as long as it is not deliberately found by the leader, the equipment problem is inevitable, and it has nothing to do with me. But what am I afraid of? I think it should be the fear of accusations from leaders and colleagues.
There are many more examples like this, after all, I am just an ordinary person, and I can't do everything perfectly. And every time a situation arises, no matter how big or small, it makes me as embarrassed and tormented as if I were facing a great enemy. Thankfully, in my past career, there was only one leader who really embarrassed me in public.
It's the same in life. I returned to Chengdu from Beijing in the middle of last year and moved into Wen's house with my parents. At that time, my mother-in-law had a more violent personality, her temper was not very good, and her voice was loud, which made me particularly unaccustomed. Although her noisy accusations were not against me, they made me feel tormented and depressed, and after a few months, I finally couldn't stand it and proposed to Wen to move out and live alone. He even made up his mind that if he didn't agree, he would have to end our five-year relationship.
Maybe this seems incomprehensible to many people, including my mother. And I can't tell you this feeling, is it a glass heart? Is it neuroticism? I don't know. Fortunately, Wen and my in-laws eventually agreed, and because I didn't live together, I was more willing to be close to my in-laws and feel their love more easily.
There are many more such examples in the book, and I will not list them all. Obviously, I was lucky because there was a text that could understand me and support me. And the author of this book, Osamu Dazai, he can only fight alone. In the end, as we all know, he died at the age of 39.
But he was defeated. I think that's why "Human Disqualification" was successful. The author shows us that his thoughts, as he says, are alien to the whole world, and at the same time, reveal the course of his battles. And his last leap is still the pursuit and persistence of what he believes to be true, good, and beautiful. This is the harvest I read the third and fourth times.
Regarding the pursuit of "truth", "Notes I" writes this story:
When he was a child, on a snowy day, a celebrity from his father's party came to his town to give a speech, and his father served as the opening speaker. So, people who had a good relationship with his father came, and the scene was full, including their families.
During the whole process, everyone clapped their hands and cheered hard, but after the speech, no one did not curse and spit out the failure of the speech. On the way, he heard even people who were particularly good to his father criticize his father's opening speech. Their family also said that there was no worse speech than this.
However, when the group stopped by their house and sat down, facing his father, no one could not but show satisfaction and appreciation for the speech. The next person also responded to his mother without changing his face, saying, "It's a very good talk."
In the end, the author concludes: "Mutual deception of each other, and the incredible fact that both sides are unscathed, and even seem to have no regard for each other's deception, are so clever that they can be called examples of honest, fair and pleasing human dishonesty, which are everywhere in human life." ”
However, he could not do it and could not understand it. I think so am I.
For what I sincerely like and approve of, I am willing to use the most beautiful language in the world to describe and praise; if not, I can't insincerely echo it, I would rather shut up. Because of this, my previous leaders have said that I am very angular. I know what they mean, and everybody doesn't like people who are too angular.
And they don't know, it's one of the few manifestations of myself to be authentic. Fortunately, when I was growing up, I also met several predecessors who appreciated or affirmed my edges, and they encouraged me to insist on being myself. I think I'm grateful.
The same example can also be seen in the author's pursuit and understanding of "goodness".
Almost everyone liked to be recognized and appreciated, and although the audience was telling lies, his father was sincerely happy to hear it. As with many teaching or trainings today, students may not gain much, but in a special kind of kindness, it is likely to blow the instructor to the sky. I also found that there are a lot of things that are blown to the point of being godlike, but that's all.
This is what the world thinks of as goodness, and it is similar to "white lies". But the author does not approve, and he has no interest in understanding. If I had to say that it was good, it would be hypocrisy.
Another example of the pursuit of "truth" is his deeds of "fake dementia, false stupidity, and false stupidity and deafness".
He was very intelligent and capable, read a lot of books, although he was frail and sickly from an early age, often took a month or two of sick leave in elementary school, and even took a year off from school at most, lying in bed when he was severe, and did not do homework at all. But despite this, he always got the first place in the class. As a result, he became a "respected" man.
But he knew that he couldn't do respectable things all the time, and he couldn't have been clearer about what kind of person he was. "Almost perfectly deceive a large number of people, and then be recognized by some all-knowing and all-powerful wise man, and reveal a prototype in public, and that shame is more terrible than death." This is his understanding of "being respected.".
So, in order to avoid this scene, he tried his best to get rid of this label. For example, when you don't listen carefully to the class, scribble and scribble, when you leave class, you will do everything in your power to make your classmates laugh, and write articles to deliberately write some funny stories. Replacing "respected" with "naughty" and "funny", he really did it, 10 points in other disciplines, and only 6 or 7 points in character.
This is his pursuit of "truth" and at the same time his adaptation to the world, and there is a passage in the book that says: "This is my last courtship to mankind." Although I am extremely afraid of human beings, I always seem to have cut off my affection for human beings, so I use the thin thread of pretending to be stupid to maintain my connection with human beings. On the surface, I always greeted people with a smile, but secretly I was desperate, trembling, and walking on thin ice to make such a service with great difficulty. ”
For example, when taking pictures, he deliberately made funny expressions to please his family; dancing exaggerated Indian dances made people laugh; on hot days, he put big red sweater sleeves in his pajamas to make his family laugh at him for thinking that he was wearing a sweater and didn't know the cold and warm; secretly wrote in his father's notebook at night that his father thought he should like, and he was not interested in gifts at all, in order to win his father's delight...
Almost everyone says, "Be your true self," but it's really hard. Enter a team and either blend in or flee. I often want to escape from the city and live in the mountains, living in seclusion like Tao Yuanming. Thinking like this, I feel that the author is a more advanced escape, and there is a kind of "big hidden in the city" of everyone's wind.
Regarding "beauty", the author's aesthetic, I feel unattainable, and it is also a side that I never thought about.
The opening chapter tells a story: living in the countryside of the northeast, when he first took the train, he was very interested in the overpass on the train, going up and down many times, thinking that it was specially for play like an amusement park, which felt interesting. However, when he knew that it was just a practical tool for pedestrians to catch the train, he felt greatly disappointed.
He even felt that the sheets, duvet covers, and pillowcases were boring decorations, and he didn't know that they were practical products until he was almost twenty years old. ”
He is at odds with the world, because the world is utilitarian and everything is for practical purposes, but what he wants is a beautiful world.
Another strange thing is that he feels that eating is the most painful thing. "My family belongs to the old-fashioned and old-fashioned family in the countryside, the dishes are almost the same, don't expect any delicacies or luxurious meals, so I feel more and more afraid of this moment." I sat in the last seat of the dimly lit room, fighting with the cold, bringing food to my mouth little by little, stuffing it into my mouth, but in my heart I was secretly wondering- why do people have to eat three meals a day? Sometimes I even think: when eating, everyone has a serious face, like some kind of ritual, the whole family gathers in the dark room three times a day, arranges the meal in an orderly manner, and even if there is no appetite, it must be bowed and silently chewing the meal, perhaps praying to the undead who are lurking in the house. ”
The grown-up told him that people would starve to death if they didn't eat, but he never felt hungry, and only that kind of delicacy or seemingly luxurious meal could interest him. However, it is difficult to appear at their table, so he hates eating, although he is very good at eating. It gave me the first feeling that it should have something to do with the fact that he was born into a wealthy family.
"Birth is the pinnacle". Man's lifelong pursuit is nothing more than material and spiritual abundance, and for the author, his material life is already very rich, so all he thinks about is spiritual things. And that's why many of us don't reach this class.
Two days ago, a friend's house moved, and we rushed to gather popularity. On the way home, Wen asked me: "Do people have to build a house in their lifetime?" I replied: "Not necessarily, if you are spiritually rich, it doesn't matter if you are material, you can eat and wear warmth." ”
When I finished, I thought of Osamu Dazai. Perhaps, for people like him, matter is never within the scope of his pursuit. Just like he eats just to continue his life, he doesn't feel enjoyed at all, and naturally it won't become his internal driving force. And his understanding and pursuit of spiritual aspects such as "truthfulness, goodness, and beauty" far exceeds that of ordinary people like me. Otherwise, there would be no book "Human Disqualification", and it would not have become Osamu Dazai's masterpiece.
Finally, I would like to say that this very "mournful" book actually expresses positive things, depending on how you understand it. Some people say that "Human Disqualification" is actually about the author's battle with the whole world, but I feel that he also wanted to integrate into it, and finally found that he could not do anything, but his ultimate pursuit of "truth, goodness, and beauty" is really worthy of our in-depth thinking and reflection. What do you think?