"Cowards are afraid of happiness, they will be hurt when they touch cotton, and sometimes they will be hurt by happiness", when I first read this sentence, my heart was hit.
It's not my first time reading Japanese novels, and "Human Disqualification" is particularly heavy, I can read every sentence in the book, but I can't understand the heavy emotions behind these words, and it may be that my life experience is too shallow to understand this deep despair.
"Human Disqualification" begins with "I" seeing Ye Zang's three photos, in the middle of which are Ye Zang's three handwritings, and the three handwritings correspond to the photos, respectively, introducing Ye Zang's experiences in infancy, youth and prime-age, and describing how Ye Zang gradually moved towards the path of disqualification.
In the work, Osamu Dazai cleverly hides his life and thoughts in the life experiences of the protagonist Yezang, and through Yezang's monologue, he spies dazai's inner world - "a life full of shame". In the same year that the work was published, Osamu Dazai committed suicide.
When Ye Zang was a child, he had no worries about food and clothing, but he did not understand the feeling of "hunger", and finally felt that the moment of eating was the most terrible, relying on funny to please others, and did not dare to truly express his preferences... These descriptions of the author are sometimes like the extremely jealous and sensitive you and me, afraid of socialization, afraid of all harsh blame, and naturally amplify the emotional influence of others, like a very alien among human beings. And the invasion of the servants should be the first blow to crush Ye Zang.
Love is the second blow that crushes Ye Zang. Ye Zang, who stepped into the youth, left his hometown for the first time, and he actually felt that the foreign land was far more relaxed than his hometown, because it could better hide his true self. Later emotional experiences also destroyed Ye Zang.
Ye Zang met Changzi, Changzi's husband went to prison, no one cared about her, the two were both martyred with the same disease, but in the end it was Ye Zang who survived alone. Later, after borrowing Shizuko's house, Shizuko's daughter Shigeko still recognizes Ye Zang as "Daddy is a good person", looking at Shizuko who works hard, in order to avoid continuing to disrupt their lives, Ye Zang left, at this time Ye Zang still has a conscience. In the end, Ye Zang married Liangzi, and Liangzi's innocence and kindness were Ye Zang's last sustenance, but after witnessing Liangzi being raped, Ye Zang's final world was shattered, and he committed suicide by swallowing medicine without results, and then became addicted to drugs, gave up judgment and resistance, and was willing to be lost.
Friendship is the third blow that crushes Ye Zang, friendship is also a luxury for Ye Zang, Takeichi is the first to see through the secret that he deliberately acted to please others, Ye Zang actually lived in uneasiness and fear day after day, he wanted to be afraid of Takeichi every moment to see if he had revealed his secret to others. For this secret, he wants to make friends with Takeichi and wants Takeichi to die quickly.
It should be said that Ye Zang's friendship with Horiyama was the deepest friendship in his life, although this friendship disappointed him again and again, and even made him degenerate, making him feel that he was not qualified to live in the human world again and again, and he did not get rid of this friendship.
Ye Zang was patient with his friend Masao Horiyama, but was hurt again and again. For example, Masao Horiyama kissed his lover Tokiko in front of him, and although Tokiko did not have an official marital status with him, such an act still hurt him, but Yezang chose patience and tolerance.
When he went to Horiyama's house to look for him, Horiyama pretended that something was wrong. When Ye Zang's life was slightly better, Ye Zang came to him again and again to borrow money, although each time the money was not too much.
In fact, horiyama's deepest harm to Yezang was Horiyama's instigation and indulgence of Yezang. Almost all of Ye Zang's vices and misery came from him, but Ye Zang could not abandon this friend who had disappointed him again and again.
Even when his married life was on the right track and full of hope for the future, Horiyama came to him with contempt and disdain, and he was already soberly aware that Horiyama "only uses the part I can use to satisfy his happiness, and our interaction is only there", he cannot get rid of the existence of such a ghost.
"Human Disqualification" is an extremely desperate suicide note, which is not recommended for young children to read, and it is easy to be disappointed in the world.
Live well, find good people, and gain friends who may be happier. Closing the book, I looked at the sunlight outside the window, the lovers around me, and felt that the real world was still very beautiful. We are so happy!