Taste life, worthy of "attention"!
Watching the deterioration of the body, the pain unbearable can only be suppressed by tranquilizers, the dialysis every month makes me face death again and again, when I learned that I had "cancer", my beauty of the world collapsed, my former domineering and pride was gone, the tears could not describe my pain, how many days and nights I wanted to end my life, thirty-five years old I could not stand such pain, but must stick to life, and three children crying "Mom".
One day my husband was in front of the hospital bed, taking off his glasses with his trembling hand and clutching my hand and crying, he said to me, "You have to persevere!" Don't give up, I believe it will be fine! "That was the first time I saw him shed tears, and then the condition worsened, I was wearing an oxygen mask in the ICU, the pain had made me unable to speak, I felt my own weak breathing, silently looking out the window at the anxious and helpless man, I felt that I was about to die, I wanted to say to him personally, "Husband thank you for not giving up on me!" I will still choose you in the next life! ”
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My husband and I are high school classmates in the same county. He was still a playful "big kid" when he was sure to marry him! And I am a fierce girl, not afraid of the stubborn temper, let me identify the person I will not be remorseful. When we got married, we had nothing but a compact little bungalow and a bike! Then he became a teacher and his life began to improve, and although everything was simple, we would often joke with each other, and I would never control what he was doing, because I always believed that he was not running for himself! Maybe this is the simple and happy life I want, a me who is easy to meet the reality! My husband is an idle person, although in the eyes of many people he is "very unreliable", but I know that he has a spirit of disobedience to reality and defeat in his heart, and he has been trying to make this family better.
Eleven years after marriage, we had three children, a daughter and two sons. When my son was 5 years old, I began to feel coughing, chest pain, at first I thought it was a common cold, and did not care, just took some anti-inflammatory drugs, slowed down for a while, but it did not take long to relapse, more and more uncomfortable gradually feel breathlessness, that was the first time I fainted at home, fortunately in time he found out and sent to the hospital, and there was no major problem. After a year, I coughed again, I had a fever, and this time my life changed completely, and I was diagnosed with "cancer", which I didn't know at first, because he kept it from me.
High treatment fees, dialysis and chemotherapy costs, began to desperately burn money, the original life was better, this moment completely fell, in order to treat me, borrowed all the relatives and friends. Because of the deterioration of my condition, many people are reluctant to lend us, afraid that we will not be able to afford it, see us are all hiding, maybe this is fate! The salary was far from enough for medical expenses, and he began to think of various ways to work temporarily outside of work, and later he heard that repairing sewers made more money, and he was not afraid of hard and tiring work. Forced to do so, I was unable to take care of the family, so I had to let my parents take the children temporarily.
The condition worsened, worsened, eating high imported medicines, I lay on the bed at home and could not move, the fifteen-year-old daughter came home from school to help me cook, clean up the house, often hugged me and cried, the eldest son of eleven would often grab my hand and ask me "Mom!" Do you hurt? Get better, sister is not as good as the food you made! Listening to the children's words, I braced myself with the pain in my heart and tried to comfort them, "Mom rest for a while, soon it will be better!" "After the children left, I silently shed tears but my heart was dripping blood, my lovely children! I don't know if I can see you grow up!
In the face of many sleepless nights, many times I woke up from a dream, I hate myself for dragging down this family, I hate myself for dragging down my beloved man and letting him carry this huge burden alone, I have thought of many ways to end it, but looking at the desperate husband and children's expectant eyes, I gave up again and again, my heart was full of pain and fear, I was afraid that one day I really could not endure such torture, and I was even more afraid that everything I cherished would never have the opportunity to see again! Children are naïve, as parents we should not let their young minds bear too much, we have been hiding from children. I was relieved to see that they were still naughty, and even if one day I left, I would be satisfied!
Tortured by the disease for six years, went to a lot of large and small hospitals, just last year's recent examination, the doctor's diagnosis is likely to have little time left to cherish the rest of the days, I want to eat what he will satisfy me, every time I lose my temper and drop something he also endures silence, how I hope he is angry, but also hope that he will leave me, so that I can wait quietly for the end of life alone, but also alleviate the guilt I have for him all these years. At this time, I did not have much desire for life, and insisted on counting day by day until the last second of life.
I thought this was my ultimate fate and destiny, my husband's repeated desperate efforts made me suddenly realize that there are still many things that have not been done, my children need a mother, my husband needs a wife, we need a warm home. Instead of waiting for the death judgment, let go of everything and fight a good life! Until one day because of a chance opportunity, let me come into contact with faith, the real faith is not a heretical way, but all the understanding of the beauty of life, I also realized that the primitive society in the face of natural disasters can only rely on the power of faith self-help, rather than waiting for death judgment is better to put down everything to fight the spirit of a good life!
Let go of all the whims and fears, and I am relieved of everything! I just want to simply live, do what I should do, accompany the people I love to be grateful to the people who love me, and I firmly believe that every life has its meaning and mission! Tell you a good news, my condition has not deteriorated anymore, gradually getting better, has rarely taken medicine, you can exercise every morning, and then try to save some money can go on a trip with your family, to enjoy more of the good life waiting for me in the future.
I hope that all "cancer" patients, firm faith, can not give up on themselves! Cancer is not terrible, what is terrible is that there is only fear in the heart! Hope everyone can wish me better and better!
Conclusion: Difficulties and diseases are not terrible, but terrible is that everything is finally "judged", and I have been swallowed up by the fear in my heart, and I have given up the right to "appeal"!
The story comes from real life!
Author: Ruiyun Yulong
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