Received a consultation, the work is as follows:
"National Day Travel Essay"
Late autumn guest accommodation in Panshan, Pear Wood Terrace to enjoy the scenery.
Drizzle hazy mist waterfall, clear stream cheerfully down the peaks.
Blue skies and beautiful days are difficult to get together, but green trees and red flowers are interconnected.
Secretly lamenting the loneliness of Chang'e's emptiness, it is like the worldly Wuling source.
As usual, look at the grammar first, because I personally feel that if people write seven words and eight sentences now, it is an ancient style, which proves that they have not entered the door of ancient poetry. Purely looking like ancient poetry, thinking that seven words and eight sentences are ancient poems. That's meaningless, and it's better to write an ancient poem of seven words and eight sentences in the present moment than to write a small prose directly.
The first sentence ,"Late autumn guests stay in Panshan Mountain", ping 仄 is "平平仄仄仄平平", which is a formal sentence for flat up and flat receipt. The whole poem rhymes flat and rhymes, and the new rhyme "Eight Cold" part, in which the jaw joint and the neck joint are opposed, which conforms to the rules of the rhythmic poem.
There is no problem with the format, then you can look at the expression, grammar, and mood. And the content of this aspect, first of all, we must understand what he wrote, before we can open our mouths.
"Late autumn guests stay in Panshan, pear wood terrace to enjoy the landscape", explain the time, place, reason. Pure "endowment", no emotional injection, at most the word "late autumn" reveals a hint of coolness.
The first link is very simple, even a little unremarkable, but it is not impossible, as long as it can contribute to the whole, it is not hindered.
The jaws are connected, "The drizzle is hazy and foggy, and the clear stream is cheerfully descending the peaks." The detailed writing scene is also well unfolded. It is worth noting that the use of the word "cheerful" in the dialogue is the tone of the whole poem's situation? If yes, of course not bad, but if not, then it seems a bit abrupt here.
When we write poetry, we must consider what kind of emotion I want to express before writing, and then choose the appropriate image in the creation, and use the matching words to further outline the rendering, so that the reader can follow the words step by step into your thoughts. In addition to the unique rhetorical techniques, we must pay attention to avoid emotional jumping, and what is even worse is that the emotions are obviously not jumping, but the words are suddenly changed, which is immature in the text.
For example, here is a sentence clear and drizzling, the fog flows like a waterfall, rendering a hint of a sense of clarity, and the next sentence suddenly becomes cheerful. Obviously, the internal imagery of the jaw joint is not uniform, and the positive and negative are offset, and this connection has done useless work on the image creation of the whole poem.
Of course, it may also be that the poet himself is still emotionally calm, purely writing scenes, such as entering the "state of no self"--so it depends on the direction of writing later.
The neck joint is very important, and we see how the poet's neck joint is constructed.
Neck link, "blue sky and beautiful days are difficult to get together, green trees and red flowers are interconnected" - seeing this, I can't help but have a black question mark face... The front is all good according to the grammar, originally I was looking forward to the neck linking out of something, but what is written here? If this work breaks down, it must start here. These two sentences are still written, although "starting and turning" is not a grammar that must be observed, but it is the most secure way to write. Of course, there are also many authors who are accustomed to writing scenes in the first three couplets, and then the tail link turns, closes, and closes strongly, which can also become a masterpiece.
However, this link is not very clear even from the point of view of the words. What does it mean to "green trees and red flowers are interconnected"? Basically, it can be judged that the poet also fought for his life in order to be qualified for the battle and peace.
It's not that you can't read it, it's actually not complicated. The neck joint sentence writes the regret of no sunny day, and the sentence is forced to fight, and the bully writes the red flowers and green trees in front of him.
Blue skies and suns are hard to come by, but green trees and red flowers dot each other – it should be fine to understand the literal meaning, but this is complete nonsense, especially the right sentence. Right for the sake of right, very undesirable.
Let's leave it alone for the time being, see if the tail link is strong, and rewrite the bland arrangement of the previous triptych scene.
Wei Lian "secretly lamented that Chang'e is empty and lonely, just like the world's Wuling Source", if you want to say that the convergence, it will also be. Because the first link is written in the kesu mountain, the last sentence "Is it like the world's Wuling source" also boils down to praising the beauty of the mountain scenery.
But Wulingyuan is Zhangjiajie, the author is not saying to go to Jixian Panshan, how to connect? Is it to use the scenery of Wulingyuan as a metaphor for the beauty of Panshan Mountain, and then to flirt with "Chang'e Empty Loneliness"?
This kind of thinking is indeed quite ethereal. It is not impossible to use this actual place name as a metaphor for another place, but it is easy for someone like me who is familiar with Wulingyuan to have a misinterpretation. If there is no self-annotation and there is an understanding of the Panshan Scenic Area, then the reader will definitely think that the poet wrote the work in Zhangjiajie Tourism.
This confusion is undesirable and avoidable. However, as a personal work, it does not matter whether it is changed here or not, because it is not the main problem of this poem.
The main problem is the problem of thinking.
The sentence of the tail link writes that Chang'e is lonely, and the sentence is not as good as Wulingyuan, indicating that the author still has a certain emotion to express here, although it is a little late in the tail link, but there are still ideas, and the whole poem is not a kindergarten work written from beginning to end.
But is the Chang'e empty sigh of the tail link related to the writing scene of the first triptych?
No.
It's raining lightly in the mountains, the streams are clanging, the green trees and red flowers are contrasted – does this have anything to do with Chang'e? You at least have to see the moon and think of Chang'e, so that there is a link in emotional logic, right?
Therefore, the idea of this work is completely broken, and the original good tail metaphor is excluded from the scene.
The disharmony of the whole is its biggest problem.
In summary, clarifying your thinking and figuring out what you really want to express is the key to the revision of this work.
If it is only taken literally, it is simply to see the beautiful scenery and then lament that the Heavenly Palace is not as good as the mortal world - we do not do too much thinking and discussion, because everyone's thinking is different, we can only try to be superficial, shallow understanding.
Then the emotional tone of this work is the appreciation of the beautiful scenery, that is to say, the emotions that the author wants to express are comfortable and happy. Who is not happy to see the view?
Therefore, there is no problem in the jaw-linked sentence "Qingxi cheerfully descends the peak". If you simply understand and adjust, the most important thing is to turn from beautiful scenery to Chang'e's thinking to where it comes from. And this is exactly what the neck joint needs to bear.
The original neck joint is completely two nonsense, and even difficult to understand because of forced confrontation. We might as well rewrite it, from the previous two mountain scenery to the imagery related to the moonlight and Chang'e. It not only has something to say, but also plays a key role in "turning".
We convert the neck link to the writer, the viewer, and at the same time bring out the moon correlation. Note that the overall feeling is comfortable and comfortable, and the situation should match the environment in the mountains after the rain.
"The spirit of the gods is fixed and the void is long, and the clouds and the wind are locked in the moon."
The rain and clouds gather, and the moon appears, but the moon halo appears very heavy in the fog. Thousands of miles in the clear light, the mountains are empty, the people watching the scenery are refreshed, eager to look up to the sky and scream, and afraid of breaking the silence, they do not send it.
Finally, the long roar turned into a dark sigh, but unfortunately, the moon halo was brilliant, locking the GuiGong fairy, and not seeing the beautiful scenery of the human world.
If it is not changed elsewhere, then the seven laws will become like this:
The gods are clear and the air is fixed and long, and the clouds and the wind lock the moon.
This is a work that rewrites the neck link after straightening out the original poem's ideas. Through the neck link, we make an organic connection between the scenery and the exclamation of the tail link, so that the reader's thoughts can follow the text together, and will not be broken because of the rhetoric and thinking, but the whole work still stays in praise of the beauty of the scenery.
If you continue to extend your thinking, you have to make a change – it's a personal idea, which means what I would do if I wrote it.
I will replace "secular" with "earthly", and naturally improve the realm of words, which everyone can experience on their own. Then I will definitely remove the word "Wulingyuan", which makes Chinese misunderstood, but it is obvious that it is inappropriate to use a metaphor such as Xian Shan here, after all, Chang'e is a fairy, and no matter how beautiful your scenery is, it may not be tempting for her.
So what in the world does we have an advantage over Chang'e? In fact, the author also wrote it: "Chang'e is empty and lonely." Her pain point is loneliness, so let's replace the three words "Wulingyuan" with human joy, so that we can really show our advantages to Chang'e and truly qualify to "sigh Chang'e".
Sighing at Chang'e's emptiness and loneliness, it is like earthly greed.
Note that although this is different from the previously changed work with only four words, the thinking has been deviated, not only staying in the beautiful description of tourist attractions. The thinking began to diverge, and it could even be integrated into more aspects of the poet's emotions.
Isn't writing poetry for the sake of lyricism?
You want to write purely about red flowers and green trees, and write about mountains and rain like smoke, which is far less clear than sending a photo.