Two days ago, I was in tears.
It is the sixth year of losing his father.
These few years seem to have passed half a life, suffering.
Whenever I lie in bed and close my eyes, it is the same thing that I get along with Lao Zhang.
01
When I was five years old, I really knew Lao Zhang, the so-called father.
He wasn't as ugly as it was depicted in other people's mouths, except that his face was a little harsh, and there were more wrinkles on his forehead than others.
The first time we met, I certainly couldn't accept this father who popped up for no reason.
I only heard that Lao Zhang was an extremely irresponsible, abandoned family, gambling, grumpy, and unlearned.
Therefore, my impression of Lao Zhang is particularly bad.
Deeply hide this feeling with a little shame in the bottom of my heart.
No matter how others introduced me, how my mother forgave me, how Lao Zhang hugged me, I didn't want to call it "Daddy".
At that time, I didn't want to get along with him.
I remember one time, he was riding an old-fashioned bike, and I was sitting on the girder in front of the car, walking around the street.
I was so excited that I saw pictures on the wall: I asked him curiously, "Why did someone hang washed clothes on a telephone pole?" ”
Then I got a serious answer: "Don't follow the lessons, hear no!" ”
The rough throat startled me, and I never wanted to ask him again.
A sense of boredom arose in my heart.
02
At that time we didn't have a house, and Grandpa gave us all the money out.
Their family has four children, Lao Zhang is the eldest, who has been bullied since childhood.
Grandpa is a powerful character, nicknamed "Little Japan", and he also beat grandma every day in those years, and finally played a half-crazy.
My grandfather's family also had several children, and since Lao Zhang returned, my mother and I were also kicked out by my uncle.
We were desperate, we came out with no money, we only had a "homestead", but we couldn't build a house.
You can only stay one night in the east family and one night in the west house.
The first day he was full, the next day he didn't know whose house to go to, and I didn't understand why my mother would forgive him.
He left us for five years, and he was alone outside, but in the end he did not get back a penny, and he took us to live a life of upheaval and displacement.
I suddenly felt that Lao Zhang was cowardly, and the root of his teeth was itching with hatred.
One day, it was almost twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, and I was on the street, following Lao Zhang and my mother, freezing.
There was no way but to knock on the door of the neighborhood committee, and unfortunately it was locked back.
On that day, Lao Zhang jumped through the gate with my mother and me in his arms.
Just like that, we stayed one night with an old doctor on duty.
That night, although it was cold, I slept soundly.
Finally one day, Lao Zhang woke up and took us to another city, originally thinking that we could have a good life, but I didn't expect to float in another way.
This time, I lived with a group of "fugitives", ate people's rice noodles, went to the sea every day to catch fish, ate and drank, and followed people's tricks.
Fortunately, this group of people is very real, and they are all righteous people, and they have taken us in for a few months.
Until one night, there were many strange friends who drank a lot together, and one of them was a very powerful person, who was drunk and beat people.
Lao Zhang also drank too much, but for the sake of his wife and children, even if he was drunk at that time, he still took us to flee from that place overnight.
Nothing was taken that day, only a pair of pants was worn, and he lost it in the process of escaping.
It was only in the middle of the night that I found a thatched hut by the sea and slept with straw on it until dawn.
Fortunately, there were still dozens of dollars left on his body, and he returned to his village by train.
I was also almost at the age of elementary school, and I thought to myself, how did I meet such an indisputable father.
03
Back where we started, everything had to start all over again, and with the help of relatives, we slowly saved a little money, and then added our own "homestead" to change a foothold.
The house wasn't big, and it was quite shabby inside, so we lived there with newspaper paste, so we lived there.
With an inferiority complex and hatred for my father, I went to elementary school.
Once, I was bullied and scolded a little friend. Unexpectedly, this little friend told her mother, and her mother pulled him to find Lao Zhang.
Lao Zhang beat me up without even asking me, carried me from the door like a chicken to the house, punched and kicked me, asked me if I would scold people later, and beat me to the nose and blue face.
I hate him, I hate him from the bone.
Another time, it was the day of the final grades, and the teacher named all the children who had performed well, and each of them sent a notebook.
Because there was no mine, I went to the house and cried for half a day. When I finally stopped getting angry, Lao Zhang asked me, "Why are you crying so sadly?" ”
I said, "Didn't do well."
I thought that the grumpy person would give me a violent beating, but I didn't expect him to just ask me how many people I had taken the exam and how many people there were in a class.
The sun really came out from the west that day.
But the more I did this, the more inferior I became, the more afraid I became.
Finally, I survived to junior high school, but Lao Zhang's hatred in my heart did not diminish in the slightest.
He was always arguing with my mom and dropping things. Because my grandparents didn't want to see him, he poured all his anger on me and my mother.
I remember once, I didn't go home because I was playing cards in the middle of the night. My mom went to look for him, and they tore on the spot.
When I got home, I threw everything over and over again, leaving only three pieces of soup medicine on the cabinet.
My mom was sick at the time.
They were all usually old-fashioned, and for a while, I was scared, and I just curled up when I slept.
It was the beginning of the school season again, because there was no money for me to go to school, and Lao Zhang did not have a serious job, he always relied on people to help, so he sold blood once.
When I came home in the middle of the night, I ate chicken thighs and shared them with my mother.
At that time, I was drowsy, but I heard him say that he had a few thousand yuan himself, which was earned by donating blood, and he didn't have to worry about the tuition fee.
Even so, I rarely spoke to him.
Because, in my heart, there is no benefit to him.
05
High school arrived soon. I especially want to escape from this family, to escape lao Zhang. I chose the accommodation.
After staying for a few days, Lao Zhang forced me to go home. Saying that my mother wanted me to cry every day, let me stay by their side, and so oppressively took me back from school and told the teacher that I was retired.
I'm really disgusted.
One day, the snow was so heavy that I couldn't walk in the snow on my bike, so I could only push my bike, without gloves, and the cold hurt like a cat bite.
Watching other people's fathers and mothers take their own children one after another, only myself walking in the snow, I gritted my teeth and insisted, and my heart was particularly painful.
When I got home, Lao Zhang was burning the fire, saw me coming, and immediately let me roast my hands in the mouth of the stove, the fire was particularly strong, but the more my hands were roasted, the more painful it was, and the tears couldn't stop flowing.
Lao Zhang said a sentence in half a day: On a snowy day, no one picks up, your willpower will be stronger.
I was speechless, I was heartbroken.
I didn't get caring and love, I didn't understand.
06
Slowly persevered until I went to college. This time I was finally liberated, Lao Zhang couldn't control me, and this time I could finally choose a place where I could go as far as I could.
I don't have to let go of my heart knot, I can not communicate with Lao Zhang, every time I call my mother.
But every time Lao Zhang would always grab the phone, or he would shout loudly at the other end: "But there is no shortage of money?" Missing tell me that I sell liver, sell kidneys, and sell blood for you to spend money. ”
It was a phrase he often said on the phone afterwards.
In addition, there is another sentence: have you eaten enough? In the absence of anything else.
And I just hung up the phone in a hurry, not wanting to say anything more.
But as the years went by, I graduated. I had a boyfriend of my own and stayed in another city.
Unexpectedly, Lao Zhang had cerebral infarction because of perennial drinking, and that day his legs suddenly stopped calling, and when he went down the steps, he directly planted a big heel and was admitted to the hospital.
That day I bought one of the fastest train tickets to fly back.
I saw my skinny father. I didn't expect the first thing he said when he saw me was:.
So I hurriedly put down my things and took a bedpan and let him solve it.
Looking at his big back and white hair with sideburns, I suddenly realized that he was very old.
Looks a little weak, is this the old Zhang I hate?
At night, I talked a lot with my mother in bed, and all my mother said was the good words of Lao Zhang.
He is kind, and although he quarrels every day, he thinks of me the most.
Grumpy and evasive, all related to the fact that his grandparents often beat him and let him work.
He was a bitter man.
Since I went to college, Lao Zhang often cried and recalled that his life was not easy.
I raised my family as a teenager, only went to elementary school, was often bullied by others, and was so harsh on me for a long time.
I realized that I really cared about my father?
These twenty years of youth are left with only resentment and prejudice.
Later, Lao Zhang couldn't afford to get sick and was bedridden.
My mother and I served him for three months.
He was often confused and often scolded us.
At the moment when I was about to close my eyes, I leaned over his ear and heard the last words, which were spoken with all my strength in my throat: "Be nice to your mother in the future." ”
After saying that, my eyes rolled and glanced at my mother, and my eyes did not close at all.
It left us forever.
07
Once, there were countless thoughts: "Such a father, I don't want to be your daughter."
And now, I especially want to say: "Lao Zhang, I will be your daughter in the next life."
Although my father was an imperfect man, someone whose shortcomings outweighed his strengths, he was the one who gave me life.
Dad, I've already forgiven you. Do you know?
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