A friend once said something to me that I thought was a great wisdom: "If I don't want to invite someone into my house, then I shouldn't let him into my head either." ”
But that's easier said than done. Social media has pried open the door of the brain, and intruders are endless. If you post any single word about a celebrity online, it's likely to flow down the web to the celebrity himself who's huddled on the couch at home looking at his phone.
But the most critical issue is not technology, but human nature. We are born to pay attention to what others think of us. As Marcus Aurelius, a philosopher of the Stoic school of ancient Rome, observed almost 2,000 years ago, "We love ourselves more than we love others, but we care more about the opinions of others than we care about ourselves," whether they are friends, strangers, or enemies.
This tendency may be innate, but if we let it develop, we may have a nervous breakdown. If we are extremely rational, we realize that we are too worried about other people's opinions, and this is not worth worrying about at all. However, many people have been carrying this bad habit since they can remember, so we need to be cautious to change this way of thinking.
It's understandable to care about what others think, and it's reasonable to some extent. The philosopher Richard Foley mentions in his book Intellectual Trust in Oneself and Others that you trust your ideas, and your ideas are infiltrated and shaped by people who are similar to you, so you trust their opinions whether you want to or not. So, when a colleague says, "Squid Game is so good," your rating of the show may get better — at least a little bit better.
Compared with the view of the world, it is easier to be swayed by others than the view of the world. Evolution clearly gives the reason: almost throughout human history, people have relied on close-knit clans or tribes to survive. Before modern social structures or facilities such as police and supermarkets were created by humans, being abandoned in groups meant dying in the mouth of cold, starvation, or predators. This could explain why our well-being encompasses affirmations from others, and why the human brain has evolved the response that experiencing physical pain and rejection by others activates the same neural networks.
Unfortunately, the instinct to want the approval of others doesn't fit perfectly into modern life. Once upon a time, humans inevitably felt the fear of being exiled to the icy snow; now strangers on the Internet may feel a great deal of anxiety when you "shut you off" with a thoughtful word, or when passers-by capture a picture of you in poorly dressed and publicly post it on Ins to mock you.
In the worst case, anxiety about what others perceive may develop into attritional fear, developing clinical "allodoxaphobia." Although this is not yet a mental illness, worrying about other people's opinions can impair the ability to complete daily tasks, such as making decisions. When you think about what to do in a particular situation— such as when you speak in public, the "behavioral inhibition system" (BIS) in your brain activates, which helps you gauge the situation and decide how to act (especially considering the consequences of misconduct).
When you have sufficient situational awareness, BIS will fail and the reward-focused "behavioral activation system" (BAS) will start. But a 2013 study showed that paying attention to what others think keeps BIS active and impairs execution. If you're always thinking about what you should have said but failed to say, it may imply that you've been overly influenced by what others think.
One of the reasons we worry about what others think is that negative evaluations can lead to feelings of shame — feelings of being seen as useless, incompetent, disgraceful, or immoral by others, and therefore if we value the eyes of others very much, we can feel this way. Fear of shame does make sense, as research has clearly shown that shame is both a symptom and a trigger for depression and anxiety. People spend a lot of effort to avoid shame, so there is a plausible explanation for sending out virtue signals on social media (showing that they are on the moral side of the word), and giving money to strangers.
（www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-scientific-underpinnings-and-impacts-of-shame/）
This tendency for us to care about what others think is innate, but it is not inevitable. Personal flourishing is not a complete disregard for the opinions of others, which is both perverse and dangerous, leading to hubris syndrome and even the basis for diagnosing antisocial personality disorder. But as long as we learn to "reduce the burden", many people can live better. I recommend following the three steps below.
1. Remind yourself that no one cares
Ironically, we feel bad about how others might see us, but in reality other people's perceptions of us — both positive and negative — are far less than we think. Research shows that we always overestimate how much others care about ourselves and our own failures, leading to excessive inhibition and a lower quality of life.
Maybe a neighbor or a fan on the network would have a negative impression of you if they were following you at the time — but they might not be following you at all. The next time you're cramped by someone else's eyes, remind yourself that you just care. You can imagine that everyone around you is such a situation as you.
2. Fight shame
Because fear of shame often draws undue attention to what others think, we should confront shame head-on. Some feelings of shame are sometimes healthy and reasonable, such as venting anger or being impatient. But more often, the feeling is ridiculous, for example, you can't help yourself by forgetting to zip your pants.
A few years ago, when I was nearing the first 90-minute graduate class of the year, I realized that my pants were zippered open. It is impossible for no one to notice. Then I realized something strange: I felt free—not to recreate the scene freely, of course, but to stop worrying about extremely embarrassing accidents in class. After the pants chain incident, I couldn't think of any worse accidents, and as a result I relaxed and had a great semester.
I'm not trying to persuade you to deliberately fly around with your pants chains, but you can ask yourself: What am I hiding that slightly embarrass me? Try not to dodge, "hand blade" this makes you flinch the useless shame of it.
3. Stop judging others
Jesus taught, "Don't judge, don't be judged." The Buddha said, "Anyone who judges others will dig a pit for himself." "You may think that you will only face God's punishment or karma for harshly punishing others until after death, but these statements are also important in this world. Judging others is acknowledging that someone is qualified to judge another person, and this is also tacitly accepting that others will judge you.
The way out of this thought is to stop judging others and remind yourself that you may be wrong when you happen to do it. Try this little experiment: take a day next week as a day without judgment, and on this day there is no evaluation, only observation. Don't say, "It's raining so badly," but say, "It's raining," don't say, "Don't say, "Don't say that guy in my car is a fool," but say, "That guy must be in a hurry." This transition is very difficult, but it is strangely uplifting. You will let go of the burden of constant judgment and therefore will be less worried about being judged.
Lao Tzu once said in the Tao Te Ching: "Rich and proud, blame yourself." The original text here is "Care about people's approval/and you will be their prisoner," which means "pay attention to other people's opinions, you are their slave," and has little to do with the meaning of the original sentence in the Tao Te Ching. A classic translation error is involved here, and in the English version of the Tao Te Ching translated by foreigners, the meaning of this sentence was misunderstood and later widely disseminated).) Lao Tzu undoubtedly wanted to warn the world. But as I get older, I'm more inclined to interpret it as hope and opportunity.
I realized that the cages built by the opinions of others were actually built, maintained, and guarded by me. I have thus made a sentence that echoes the quotation above: abandon the ideas of others, and the prison doors are wide open. If you are imprisoned in a prison of shame and judgment, remember that the key to freedom is in your own hands.
文/Arthur C. Brooks
Translation/Yord
Proofreading/Amanda
Original/www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/11/how-stop-caring-what-other-people-think-you/620670/
This article is based on the Creative Commons License (BY-NC) and is published by Ord at Leviathan
How to live your life the way you like
If you don't know what you want, don't know what you should do, read those good books, communicate with those great souls and the wisdom of the sages, and give yourself a good foundation to cultivate your own concentration in the world.
The examination paper of life is placed in front of everyone, no one can avoid it, and everyone must write their own answer sheet. So, needless to say, the so-called answer is just an answer sheet I wrote. I never believed in the so-called life coach, and I would never be ridiculous enough to want to be myself. In the examination hall of life, we are all students, I may be a more diligent student, then, my answer sheet may be for the reference of students, only this is enough.
——Zhou Guoping