Marshmallows – Remember the original family that cannot be changed

In front of the stall, a middle-aged man first opened the machine to preheat it, after a while to put the sugar granules into it, wait until the sugar granules melt and disperse, there will be a trace of sugar shreds, at this time, take out the wooden skewer that has been prepared and placed above the rotating mixer, carefully circled, the sugar shreds will slowly stick to the rotating wooden skewers, and finally evenly wrapped into a marshmallow ball of just the right size, and the finished marshmallow is handed to the customer's hand.

Everyone tore the marshmallows, showing a satisfied smile, in the sweet admiration, no one noticed that the marshmallows that had melted in the high temperature, and then twisted into silk, shed helpless tears, gradually described as withered, and finally only the cold bamboo skewers remained, accompanied by dirty garbage cans.

Marshmallows give others the sweetest memories, but give themselves the most bitter experiences. In front of the stall, she looked at the marshmallow expanding little by little, and finally being swallowed up completely and inescapably, and her heart trembled, and suddenly she felt that she was not also the marshmallow in front of her? It was all used, but the sweetness was soon forgotten, and in the memory of others, it was as light as a marshmallow body.

Franzis material. Petrarch said, "The world dances, joyfully enters heaven, and now everything has cooled down and turned to dust." I was alive, self-pitying, sad and depressed; the life I once loved was bleak, like a ship out of control, going through a storm. And inside, she is experiencing a storm similar to this.

"Money, when are you going to call?" After hanging up the phone, she shrunk her body in the corner of the wall, tears streaming down her face.

She is the fifth child in the family, with four older sisters above and a younger sister and a younger brother below. The traditional idea of focusing on light women finally stopped letting the mother as a fertility machine after there was a male child. The father is a typical Su Daqiang (a character in the All Is Good film and television drama), he only cares about his own joys and sorrows, no, and his favorite son, in his words: Stinky, what's the use? Mother is a person who has no opinion and goes with the flow, as the saying goes, "The poor man must have something to hate." In such a family atmosphere, women survive in the cracks, and men flaunt their might.

When I was a child, life was very bitter, very bitter, financially and mentally poor, and every family member (except of course the youngest brother) was alone, taking care of the stars of the past, cold and warm self-knowledge.

Thankfully, she was the only college student in the family. The eldest sister, from childhood, was put in her hometown by her parents, sent to the fence, naturally there is no way to go to college, and there is no family affection with everyone; the second sister, becomes the "boss" of the family, becomes a victim of the big family, marries early, and lives a peasant life of "working at sunrise and resting at sunset"; the third sister, because she is timid, does not dare to go to a far place to go to school, and leaves school after graduating from primary school; the fourth sister, likes to paint, indulges in creation, and has no time to study, so she terminates her studies; her sister and younger brother also go to society when they graduate from junior high school for their own reasons. ...

But she did not bow to reality. Even though her parents let her go to school very late, she kept her head high and became a good student praised by teachers and classmates. Her parents, siblings did not want her to go to school, wanted her to go to work early and subsidize the family, and she did not sell vegetables and go to restaurants as a waiter to earn tuition. Finally, the college acceptance letter was sent to the family, but because her brother fought with others, injured others, lost a lot of money to others, and her tuition and living expenses were lost. But she had been holding out for so long, how could she possibly turn back? She took out a student loan and started a new life alone. In college, after busy studying, she is busy giving others make-up lessons, earning living expenses, and sometimes going to the promotion store to distribute leaflets, cold winter waxing moon, standing for a few hours, the skin is cracked and not knowing, the four stiff can not move, she does not feel bitter, because she wants to come out of such a family, can only endure the unbearable tolerance of others, can enjoy the enjoyment that others cannot enjoy.

Sometimes the sisters would call her and complain that fate was unfair, that she could go to college, and that they could only work in society, and she understood that the sisters had entered society very early and must have suffered a lot of suffering that she could not have imagined, and it was normal to complain like this. To tell you the truth, of the six girls in the family, her parents were the best for her, and everyone said that my fifth girl was a college student, and she bore the glory of this family.

After graduating from college, she used the money she had saved for bursaries and scholarships to pay off her student loans. She did not continue to go to graduate school, and wanted to work early, return to the family, and let her brothers and sisters feel a little more balanced. In order to earn a higher salary, she went to a very far and remote place as a teacher, and after the family knew, there was not much to keep, after all, the salary was higher, and for them who grew up in such an environment, money was more important than anything. People who have not suffered financially are difficult to understand how much money everyone values. She took only a few hundred yuan and a backpack with her to work and set up camp in a place unfamiliar with her life.

The high intensity of work, and the differences in the region, made her always feel unwell, but she persevered. She sent every penny of her salary from the previous few months to her family, and her parents were happy, and she was very happy that she could finally return the favor to her family.

Back to her hometown during the winter vacation, she brought gifts to everyone in the family, wrapped red envelopes for the children of her sister's family, bought a lot of furniture and appliances for the family, her parents and siblings were very happy, they all praised her filial piety, they knew how to be grateful, the neighbors also showed a look of envy, she seemed to really shine on the lintel. At the end of her vacation, she returned to her work with the few hundred yuan left in her pocket and resumed her busy life.

Now everyone's life is much better than before, the four sisters are married and have children, the eldest sister and the third sister are full-time with the baby; the fourth sister's family does business, and the economy is slowly prosperous; the second sister is working in the family farm, with the support of the state's peasant policy, life is also prosperous; the sister and brother are already in love, only she is still alone in this remote place, trying to live.

After many grinds, the marshmallow is finally ready, and it turns out that it is the beginning of the pain.

Soon, the fourth sister said that she wanted her parents to go to the big place where the fourth sister lived to see the world. She thought it was a good thing, and she agreed. But her sister said that she was asked to pay for the plane ticket, and she agreed without even thinking about it. Her parents were very excited to fly for the first time, although in order to save money, she went so far away, she was not willing to take a plane, but she felt that her parents were older and should look around, and she felt that it was worth spending a lot of money. After her parents stayed at the fourth sister's house for a while, her father suddenly fell ill, people are older, they are not adaptable to changing places, what specific disease, she is not clear, but the fourth sister called her and said that it was very serious, she said that her money was invested in the store, let her first make some money in the past, she just paid her salary, and all the money was called to the fourth sister. Because she eats in the school cafeteria, she doesn't have to spend money, just save a little by herself. There was no half a month, the fourth sister called again to say that the money was not enough, and also sent her a photo of her father lying in the hospital, she really had no money, and there was half a month to pay her salary, she had to go to a colleague to borrow some money, and called the fourth sister again.

Fortunately, my father was quickly cured. Everyone said that her father was sick and did not accompany her, with a slight reproach. She also blamed herself, she was too far from home, it was close to the final exam, she was the class teacher who could not ask for leave, in order to make up for the guilt, she bought nutritional products from her salary and sent it to her father.

On vacation, she returned to her hometown again, and the family rarely got together. When the second sister was on agricultural breaks, she engaged in breeding: raising cattle and pigs, life is getting better and better, and the house is getting bigger and bigger; the fourth sister is thriving in business and dressed in foreign air, and the fourth sister laughs at her rustic atmosphere, without a little teacher's appearance; the third sister is getting more and more beautiful, and the little days are also red-hot. The eldest sister and everyone are not far away from each other. The fourth sister kept telling everyone how she took care of her sick father and how much money she spent on his father, and he realized that the money she had sent had not been spent at all, but had been divided equally between her sister and brother. However, everyone thought that the money for her father's treatment was from the fourth sister, and her parents had always said in front of her that her illness was the money from the fourth sister, and she did not explain, nor could she explain, nor did she dare to explain, she realized for the first time that there were lies in family affection.

She clearly felt that her attitude had changed in everyone, and no one said that she was filial piety anymore. She did not buy gifts for everyone, buy things for the family, and wrap red envelopes for the children as she did last holiday, because she used all the money to buy air tickets for her parents, treat her father's illness and buy nutritional products.

Marshmallow was torn apart by the customer, but Marshmallow didn't feel that much pain.

Later, the sister was going to get married, everyone wanted to marry the sister out of the scenery, but each sister had her own small family, all kinds of difficulties, the hand felt poor, everyone looked at her, she felt that she was this one sister, it was right to take more money, she took out the money she had saved, and everyone seemed to have a good attitude towards him for a long time.

After staying in a different place for a long time, getting older and older, she became more and more lonely, no sense of belonging, and later through the introduction of colleagues, she fell in love with a local person, and after her father knew, he did not ask the other party how he was, but said that she wanted to get married, and she had to take a large dowry and pay a down payment to her brother's house. She hung up the phone for the first time and cried, because her boyfriend's family was just an ordinary family, and she certainly couldn't come up with such a colorful gift. She didn't talk to her boyfriend about it either. Not long after, the fourth sister said that she wanted to travel to her work place, although she felt that the work place was very remote and there were no attractions, but she was still happy to let her boyfriend pick up the fourth sister. The fourth sister told her to break up with your boyfriend after eating and drinking at work, he is of no use to you. She didn't understand, and she didn't understand why the fourth sister said that. She and her boyfriend discussed saving money to buy a house, so the boyfriend did not let her buy a ticket for the fourth sister to travel to other places, and the fourth sister angrily said that she was too stingy, and then went away. She argues fiercely with her boyfriend, who says that her native family is a vampire, nibbling at her little by little, and doesn't care about her at all. She couldn't accept her boyfriend's denigration of her family in this way. Soon after, she broke up with her boyfriend.

Marshmallow shed tears, and she felt a hint of pain.

A few years later, in order to give herself a little security, she mortgaged a very small house at the place of work, because the local house price was cheap and the first home, so the down payment did not require much money. After signing the purchase contract, she happily told her family that she did not expect all kinds of sneers from her sisters, saying that she had money and did not honor her parents and had no conscience. She was almost thirty years old, but like a child who had done something wrong, she was speechless. Father let her write the name of her brother on the real estate deed, the brother has worked for many years, but also has been asking for money from the family, she has sent a lot of money to the family in recent years, all of which have been taken by the father to the younger brother, the younger brother also let her send heating and living expenses, she always has a feeling of "mourning his misfortune and angering him" for his brother. So she didn't want her brother to be a parasite forever, and she adamantly refused her father's offer to add his brother's name to her title deed. Her parents didn't contact her again for a long, long time.

Marshmallow's pain intensified, but everyone continued to tear at the seemingly sweet pleasure.

The sisters discussed to pay the pension for their parents, but they all have families, people who may have families are always difficult, they always can't take it on time, the money earned by the younger brother is not enough to spend on their own, only she, every year on time to pay the pension fee, although she also has to pay the mortgage, but she has no family, it seems that in everyone's eyes, there is no burden. Fortunately, even if she does not pay the pension fee, she will send money to her parents every year since she joined the work, but most of the money her parents are reluctant to spend, which makes her sad.

Finally her loneliness was answered, she met a person with a common heart, she intended to set up her own small family with him, but the other party's conditions were very poor in all aspects, and she was also a multi-child family, also the fifth in the family, she also came out to work alone, there were two sisters and two brothers, it seemed that the same disease, she found someone to pour out. His two sisters were very good to him, and they were also very good to her, and they thought about everything for them, and she knew that her sister's concern was so warm, but she had four sisters, and in addition to blame was to ask. She loved the family atmosphere where their family helped each other, and for that reason she decided to marry him.

She had had the experience of the last time and already knew that the family would definitely not agree. Deliberately concealed his actual situation. And hidden from the family to take wedding photos, the marriage room is her mortgage of the small house, ready to go to get the marriage license, on the phone, accidentally said that the mouth leaked, the family used various methods to prevent them from getting married, she also wanted to get the blessing of the family, so temporarily compromised. The marriage dragged on for a few more years, she had missed the best age of her life to start a family, and under his repeated touch, she did not want to wait any longer, did not consult with the family, and directly married him who had nothing.

On the wedding day, no one in the family was present, and there was no gift money. Her parents had said that when she got married, she would send her money to the family as a dowry, but there was nothing, no blessing, no everything, she put on her own wedding dress, and married herself in middle age, although she was very lonely, but also very relaxed.

Shortly after marriage, she was pregnant, because she was too tired, she miscarried, on the day of the operation, she received the first call from the fourth sister in the family after marriage, no greetings, no concern, just said that the father's body should be examined, let her play money, she said she was in the operating room, inconvenient, you can first use the parents' pension fees, and then call over, only to hear the fourth sister say a sentence "hypocrisy!" And the phone hung up. In the operating room, the pain struck, she felt herself shivering cold, she had always thought that there was a group of people behind her who were loving her, but the moment she turned around, it was empty.

Marshmallows are gradually described as withered under various tears.

Since then, she has never taken the initiative to contact her family, and her family has not taken the initiative to contact her, she has been abandoned by her family and abandoned by family affection. I don't know how many times she woke up from her sleep with tears in her eyes, holding her husband and crying bitterly, she didn't understand that in the same family, her husband's family was thinking about giving to each other, and her family was thinking about how to ask.

Even the last shred of candy in marshmallows, everyone refuses to let go. Marshmallow's heart, fragile enough to break at the touch of a button.

Many days passed in a flash, but she could no longer remember what had happened in her sleep. Without expectations, life is much calmer. She is pregnant again, the due date is coming, she is a little panicked, after all, the first time to give birth, but also some loneliness, then the fourth sister called, know that she is about to give birth to a baby, actually want to accompany the birth, her dry heart has hope, a beautiful vision is in front of her, the arrival of the fourth sister, let her believe in the beauty of family affection, and feel ashamed of the previous idea, the family's friendship with each other, how can it be said that it is broken?

Finally she waited for the continuation of life, but did not expect that the child was born sick, sent to the hospital hospitalization, she was anxious, felt that she was an older mother, delayed the child, then she was fragile like a piece of paper, did not expect that at this time in a chaos, the fourth sister said that she was busy with work, let the sister take care of herself, she said goodbye to the fourth sister, ushered in the sister, there is a family, she feels that she is not so helpless. The other three sisters and brothers, including her parents, knew what had happened to her, but they didn't say a word. The confinement is not over, the fourth sister urged the sister to go back to work, because the sister is working in the fourth sister's shop, she quickly bought a ticket for her sister, and gave her sister some hard fees, because the child's hospitalization cost a lot of money, she could only grievance her sister, less. Sister went back, husband at work, she herself can not take the child, because the child just picked up from the hospital, plus she did not do a good job, the caesarean section wound is still painful, so she wants her parents to help, but the sisters are out to oppose, saying that the parents are old, can not work, not to mention the parents did not give them children, the husband's parents are not in good health, helpless, can only the husband resign at home with the baby, do full-time dad.

The expenses of the whole family fell on her alone, her husband's house was mortgaged, her house was also mortgaged, the children's daily expenses, the family's water and electricity property, insurance, the car's fuel money, parking fees, personal contacts, miscellaneous calculations, and she could not breathe. She is still on maternity leave, with only a basic salary and no class fees every month, and the pressure has increased sharply. But she always remembered the help that the fourth sister and her sister helped herself when she gave birth, and one day she had to repay her well. It's just that now I really have more than enough and I don't have enough strength. Even if her sister is urging her to pay the pension fee, she can't send it. Naturally, she is not embarrassed to contact her family, and her family has also been hot and cold to her in recent years.

After the end of maternity leave, she was ready to return to the workplace, the house leaked in the overnight rain, the epidemic came again, all stayed at home, she was not arranged to take online classes, still only got the basic salary. At the hardest time, she was still breastfeeding, and she couldn't afford to buy vegetables. Fortunately, her husband's sister helped her, often buying vegetables and necessities, and sending strong family affection together.

Occasionally she will see the pig farm shared by the second sister in the circle of friends, expand the scale, the pig has arrived at a good time, it is estimated that the second sister will make a lot of money; the fourth sister, the online store physical store is more and more open, the source of wealth is widespread; the third sister, still immersed in her own little life is happy; the eldest sister, the insurance business has developed to online operation; the sister has also achieved success in the work, and the younger brother has also shown love day by day... At this time, I silently shielded everyone and hid back in real life to continue to struggle.

The marshmallows looked like they were about to be torn clean, and the dried bamboo skewers were slowly showing.

Finally the epidemic was effectively controlled, everyone returned to work, she supported the family's life alone, but still will send back the parents' pension fees as scheduled, but there is no more, it is really too difficult, she in order to be able to pay the pension fee to her parents on schedule, undertook more teaching tasks, throat suppuration still dare not rest, often can not eat on time, often stomach pain can not sleep.

Staying up until the child is about to go to kindergarten, thinking that her husband is going to work and getting better, of course, this is still an unfulfilled expectation. Suddenly the parents called, boo han asked for warmth, the second sister also called all kinds of care, the fourth sister also called to share the parenting experience, the sister was more than three days at both ends and their own video, the younger brother also took the initiative to send her a small red envelope, let her pass it on to the baby. Everyone thought of her as if they had discussed it, and when she had no expectations at all, all the care came, her heart was ignited again, and she was like a lost child, returning home and dreaming of being surrounded by love.

However, reality woke her up again, and all she was surrounded by a warm feeling was her wishful thinking. It turned out that my brother wanted to get married and wanted to buy a wedding house and let her make a down payment. The youngest brother left in the family was not married, which was also the heart disease of her parents, and she agreed again. But in the summer vacation, she only paid the pension to her parents, and now the living expenses are too big, and she can't come up with so much money to help her brother at once. She thought of selling the small house she mortgaged, she could come up with money, but she did not expect that the epidemic plus the state's regulation of house prices, the house is difficult to sell. Parents, brothers and sisters urge once every few days, constantly instilling in her a family, to help each other, inside and outside the words are afraid that she will not help. Parents and the fourth sister, as well as the younger sister, are reminding her, when she gives birth, how they help her, how to go thousands of miles to take care of her, listen to more, she trance feels that when the child was born, the fourth sister and sister took care of themselves, is not for today's "persecution", she was startled by her own ideas, but in her mind she thought of her ex-boyfriend said that the family has been squeezing their own words, she hopes that this is just her own narrow idea. She rented out the house temporarily at a low price and collected the rent to her brother, but the family felt that it was too little, let her go to someone to borrow, let her be sure to make a down payment for her brother as soon as possible, the phone rang non-stop every day, still did not care, only the debt collection like "round bombardment".

Finally she resisted, counting all these years, her efforts, and the indifference of her family to her. In fact, what she was looking forward to was only that moment, a moment of warm companionship, not cold money, she never asked for it, and her family could give her more, so it was a luxury. She is now a mother, she can no longer be selfish enough to disregard the life of her children, just to meet the bottomless demands of her family, her difficulties they can not see, she is only a small working class, but overloaded operation, age makes her do not have so much physical strength and energy to reserve enough blood from her family and her own small family, she is too tired to meet the requirements of her family.

The reason for the family is that they sacrificed themselves and made her, and everything about her should be theirs. She hung up the phone, didn't sleep for a day and a night, and wondered if she was wrong to do this, but what was wrong? If she had bought a house for her brother this time, wouldn't she have been ungrateful? She thought of Fan Shengmei in "Ode to Joy", Fang Xiangjin in "Anju", Su Mingyu in "All Is Good", Hongmei in "Ideal City"...

Marshmallow shed the last tear, but was licked dry by someone else, and wiped his mouth with satisfaction, so sweet. Marshmallow's body disappeared, along with the pain of tearing the heart and lungs. The remaining lifeless, dry bamboo skewers were thrown on the ground and trampled on, and then the sanitation workers picked them up and put them in the trash can, so that they had a decent home...

Middle-aged people's grievances are impossible to talk to people, they can only look out the window in the middle of the night, the night is really good, covering up too much helplessness... She knows that no matter how good or bad the original family is, she can't choose it, and she can't escape it, that's where she came from, without it, there would be no current self. She just felt scared, she didn't want to be the marshmallow that was surrounded by sweetness, and then inflated herself a little bit, and finally being torn apart by everyone, sucked, buried.

Marshmallow sighed, and the sweetness of the past became the painful memories of the present. However, she could not avoid seeing, avoiding listening, the adult world, is collapsing, while desperately self-healing. She could only pick up a bamboo skewer again, walk to the preheated machine, place it above the rotating agitator, and carefully circle around to meet the next marshmallow... So she dialed the phone, "The money has been called, you guys take care of yourself..." She tore off a piece of marshmallow and put it in her mouth, sweet to her heart. Marshmallow can't be preserved for a long time, but to be remembered for her short-lived sweetness, maybe it's her best value?

She wrote softly in her diary: "This is my end of the world: enter, can not see happiness; retreat, can not see the road." Choose to accept and bear, from now on, spring is still spring, summer is still summer, you are still you, I am still me, we are still us..."

Written on: Friday, December 10, 2021