01 Cream
I am Ling Shuang, a child without a father.
Everyone said that he was crushed by a crazy truck to save a boy crossing the street. My father, the hero of everyone's mouth, left me and my two-year-old brother at the age of seven for a stranger, and never returned.
My mother graduated from the Academy of Fine Arts and had no skills other than being able to draw. Every day, she carried her painting tools to paint for passers-by near the park, and sometimes the income from painting for a day was only enough for the three of us to eat a meal. She was beautiful and gentle, and she painted quietly, the most moving woman I had ever seen.
Then one day, her mother fainted while painting and was taken to the hospital, where doctors said she was malnourished, frail and in need of supplementary nutrition and rest. Still smiling, the mother lay in the hospital for a while before going home.
I quietly ran to the young doctor and asked, "Will Mom be all right?" He gently stroked my head and stuffed me with a business card: "Remember to remind my mother to eat, and if she is unwell, you can contact me." He looked into my eyes, the same eyes that looked at me at my father's funeral, and I knew that he sympathized with me and sympathized with my mother.
I was suddenly frightened, my mother always looked at us so calmly, but I couldn't see any light in her eyes. She seemed ready to leave at any moment, not eating or drinking, trying to exhaust her young life. I'm a child without a father, and now... Maybe even my mother was about to lose.
I looked at my brother next to me, who grabbed my hand, blinked his eyes, and tilted his head to smile at me. My brother is five years old and doesn't quite understand everything around him, nor is he impressed with his father. I was a little envious of his innocence and ignorance, because he didn't know that we might soon become orphans.
Hotaru is a small town in Arashi City, except for the urban center where the population gathers, it is surrounded by farmland and grass, but in places far from the city, you can see many fireflies and stars every summer night. That day, I offered to see the fireflies and then take my brother into the desolate wilderness. It was getting late, and we walked for a long time, but we couldn't seem to find a way back. There was no one around, we were tired and hungry, because of the weakness of my mother's body, there was no income these days, we could only eat steamed bread to fill our hunger, after a day's tossing, we were already weak. It was getting dark, and I was at a fork in the road, and I was a little desperate, maybe I was going to starve to death here today...
My brother couldn't walk anymore, he held my arm and looked at me beggingly, "Sister, I'm going to carry it..." He flashed his eyes like a poor puppy, but at this moment it made me feel suffocated. I crouched down and handed him the last lollipop: "Come, hold it, so you don't get so hungry." Shall we play a game? You look at the road, we're going to race who gets to the finish line first. Mom waited for us at the finish line, and the first person to arrive first could get a lollipop. The younger brother licked the candy, a tired smile on his face, and he was obviously pleased and nodded vigorously.
At this time, a woman who looked to be about forty years old stopped us: "Little friend, why are you here, Mom and Dad?" ”
Finally someone could take us out, and I excitedly pulled my brother over and cried, "Auntie, can you help us?" We got lost and haven't eaten for a day. ”
The woman gently touched my head, pinched my brother's face again, squinted her eyes and smiled at us, and then took my brother and me by the hand: "Poor child, this will be hungry." Auntie's house is nearby, or come to my house for a bite to eat, and then I'll take you home. ”
As soon as we heard that there was something to eat, we nodded our heads and obediently followed her. Not far away, I saw the woman call another man, who looked me and my brother up and down, and then pulled the woman over, and the two muttered that they didn't know what they were talking about, and looked at me with strange eyes from time to time. Then the woman came over again, and with a look of pain, she said to me, "Auntie's house is a little far away, you probably don't have the strength to go any further, you see your knees are broken, or you wait here for a while, we will take your brother to get some food and come back." ”
I hesitated for a moment and whispered, "Or... I'm waiting for you here with my brother? ”
The woman frowned, but quickly returned to her smile: "We are not afraid that he will not be hungry when he is young." ”
"I'm not tired, I'm also together..."
Before I could finish speaking, the man urged impatiently, "What's the matter?" Grinding chirping! His dark face became a little sinister because of his facial expression, especially the way he stared at me, which made me shiver.
The woman picked up her brother and walked forward without turning her head back. She was walking fast, and I stayed where I was, hesitant to follow, but afraid of making the man angry. My brother waved back at me, and shouted at me in a milky voice, "Sister, you have to wait for me, I will come back with delicious food." ”
A small star crossed my face, and when I turned my head, I saw that it was the little ones who were shining, flashing and flashing. The younger brother reached out and grabbed one, and then contentedly let the woman carry him forward... Maybe it's finally time to see my mom, I can go home, maybe I'm anxious to get another lollipop... He did not look at me again, and soon disappeared into the night, and I waved at his back, like a farewell ceremony, which looked particularly solemn in the light of the fireworks.
All around, a white expanse, I walked alone on an endless road... The body was very heavy, and there was no strength in the whole body. Ahead, a woman's voice came: "Frost... Frost..." I rushed forward like I saw a life-saving grass. A ray of light came in, piercing my eyes a little uncomfortable, and I tried to open my eyes to see my mother calling out to me with tears in her eyes, and the smell of bad smell was all around: "Where is this?" ”
"You fainted on the side of the road, just as a car passed by, taking you to the hospital. It was Dr. Gu who contacted me..." Before my mother could finish speaking, she couldn't help but sob, and the young doctor standing next to me came over to examine me. It was Gu Chen, the young doctor who had last seen his mother. He touched my head and asked with concern, "It's okay, you've always kept my business card, and the person who sent you to the hospital will contact me." Ling Frost, where do you feel uncomfortable now? ”
I shook my head slightly in response, my head buzzing all the time, tired enough to make me want to talk more.
"That... Do you remember what happened? Your brother... Where is he? ”
My heart was shocked, and I looked around carefully, my brother is not here, is it... He hasn't come back yet? I only remember that I waited in the same place for a long time and did not see the figure of my brother, after nightfall, the surrounding area is getting darker and darker, I am worried that they can't find me, so I go forward in the direction they went, hungry like an empty city, until I walked to the street lamp, my eyes were dark, I had no consciousness...
"There was an aunt who said to take my brother to eat and asked me to wait for them where I was, and I don't remember what happened later, brother... Haven't come back yet? "I looked at my mother anxiously, she seemed to be more haggard, thin like a paper person who would be blown away by the wind at any time...
"They said they would bring my brother back soon and wouldn't allow me to follow, and that uncle looked fierce, and I... I can't find my brother, I don't know the way, I'm sorry..." I felt a dizziness, my headache was terrible, I covered my head, trying to recall the scene, but the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable it felt. Dr. Gu hurriedly came over to comfort me, and while telling me to lie down, he also separated the people around me and asked them not to disturb my rest.
After that, whenever I think back to the scene of that day, my heart is faintly painful. My brother's little red face always appeared in my mind, touching my nerves and making it difficult for me to sleep. In fact, I vaguely felt that there was something wrong with the man and woman, but I did not dare to stop them, nor did I dare to speak. If I had resisted and insisted on going with my brother, maybe I wouldn't have been able to get out alive.
Mom was very busy every day, in addition to taking care of me, she also ran everywhere to find my brother. The county police have also been searching, but there is still no news. Gu Chen often came to see me, and I knew that he actually wanted to take this opportunity to ask me about his mother.
Once, when my mother was away, I couldn't help but be curious, and secretly asked him: "You seem to like Ling Fei a little?" I stared at Gu Chen, deliberately lowering my voice, trying to play a majestic parent. Gu Chen was silent for a moment, thoughtful.
"Hmm..."
"So what do you like about her?" What does it look like? Or body? ”
"I said you... How can you be so precocious at such a young age? Gu Chen knocked on my brain shell, and then took out a box of chocolates like a trick: "This is a gift for you, you must recover quickly." His smile is like the winter sun, the warmth shines into the window of my heart, I hope he can like Ling Fei, it is a sincere like." Looking back on these few days in the hospital, because of Gu Chen's care, my mood gradually improved, how can there be such a bright person in the world, it is too suitable for the profession of doctor, as if it can redeem all the suffering.
Later, Gu Chen told me that he knew that his mother was a person with a story, but he did not want to ask about these pasts, he did not want to touch his mother's wounds, nor did he want his mother to recall those heavy pasts. He just wants to take care of her and he wants to take care of me...
It was the first time I felt warmth from outside of my mother, relatives always sympathized with me, but very few were willing to lend a helping hand, and those who coveted my mother's beauty, mostly disgusted by my presence, regarded me as a burden.
Looking at this man's clean and calm side face, my whole world seemed to light up...
02 Ling Fei
"The air is filled with the scent of flowers, surrounded by people coming in and out, and you are still smiling and revealing cute little dimples, just like when I first met you. Yet you are forever standing in the dark twilight, taking away the sadness and thoughts of many people.
Wu Sheng, you are the most loved man in my life, but for the sake of my first love girlfriend's child, I am obliged to leave me and our children. Do you know? When I saw you, that delicate and handsome face was blurred with flesh and blood, and the hands that once liked to touch my head to give me a gentle embrace were motionless in the pool of blood... It was as if my body had been emptied, numb without any consciousness. Only to hear Dong Yashu, who was crying bitterly on his body, and kept choking up and calling your name... Wu Sheng... Wu Sheng... You suddenly disappeared silently from my life, just like your name...
Maybe the sadness has reached the extreme, that is, the loss of the feeling of sadness... I don't want to keep you in my memory and life, so the second week after you left, I went to the public security bureau and changed the names of my two children to my last name. From then on, there will be no more "our" children, and I will bury them with my own hands, all the memories that belong to "us". ”
At the funeral, I saw Dong Yashu again, and she sobbed in front of me: "I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to come back to see him... I just went back to my hometown to see... Happened to meet him... Didn't expect him to be for me... I am sorry... I..."
Her face was haggard, her eyes were red and swollen, and her tears kept flowing, as if she were the one who had just died her husband. I know that Dong Yashu has liked Wu Sheng since he was a child, and they are young and bamboo horses, and they are each other's first love. Later, they were admitted to different universities and separated, but she still pestered Wu Sheng, but unexpectedly, she eventually killed her most beloved man.
I turned my head and did not want to ignore her, Dong Yashu saw that I did not make a sound, took out a bank card from the bag and handed it to me: "Ling Fei, I do not have the luxury of asking you to forgive me, this is my little heart, you and the child need ..."
My anger was instantly ignited, and I wanted to tear her mouth at once, this woman really made me sick! But in the end, I didn't do that, just looked at her coldly, and then took out a thick stack of envelopes and threw them at her feet: "Dong Yashu, take your stinky money, and the love letters you wrote to Wu Sheng in recent years to get me out!" She looked at the scattered letters in amazement, her face began to flush, and her face twisted and she could no longer say a word. It wasn't until she heard the onlookers whispering that she picked up all the letters and escaped from the crowd.
My elderly mother burst into tears, grabbed me the shoulder, and her voice trembled: Why don't you! Even if you don't think about yourself, you have to think about your two children! You are a weak woman, how to raise them..." I looked at my mother who had fallen to the place with pain, trying to restrain myself from crying.
I am Ling Fei, an elegant and arrogant swan, and at no time will I bow my head!
But I love my two children, and as a mother, I don't want them to suffer the grief of losing their father prematurely, nor do I want them to grow up with compassionate special treatment. So I didn't give them to relatives to raise, but stayed with myself.
Life was more difficult than I thought, and the painting tools that were once used to outline beautiful dreams were now reduced to tools for making a living, and the painting talent I was proud of sometimes did not even earn money for a meal.
I used to sit in the park for a day. Many people approached me under the guise of painting at first, but after I sternly refused, they never came again. The tremendous pressure of raising two children, as well as the hardships of life, made my body unbearable. I hate Wu Sheng, I hate Dong Yashu, I hate God's cruelty, and I hate my own powerlessness even more.
I began to be anorexic, I began to be confused, my life was breathing with despair, I was uneasy about my increasing emaciation, I was disgusted by my empty body. I kept painting every day, numb enough to feel the hunger, maybe I would die slowly like this, at a still beautiful age, with the graceful gesture of painting, at least can leave with dignity...
I thought that nothing could touch me anymore, until then the two children disappeared, and I felt the pain of the cone again. I don't remember how I spent that day, running down the street like a madman... When night fell, I sat paralyzed on the side of the road, resentment, self-blame, confusion, helplessness mixed with tears pouring out, I finally abandoned all my dignity and cried...
At this time, I received a call from the hospital and found Frost in the hospital, but there was also bad news that greeted me, and my son Momo was gone...
Frost was frightened, and many details could not be remembered. Every time I asked what had happened, she apologized to me with a shiver, sometimes even slapping her head uncontrollably, and I hugged her tightly with tears in my eyes, afraid that she would be hurt again. I'm damned, I'm a terrible mother, and it would be the result of letting my children suffer with me.
I finally understood that I had to cheer up, and I began to desperately try to send out my son's search notice every day, but if I wanted to find my son, the search notice was only a drop in the ocean. If you want more people to see it, you must publish it in newspapers and influential media. In order to make money, as long as there is a job, I will take it, no matter what I am asked to draw.
I fainted again and went to the hospital for the third time. Gu Chen always came to see me, and it was obvious that he was not my attending doctor. His eyes were full of pain, and he sat silently in front of my bed, and he said that he wanted to persuade me to take good care of my body, but he knew that I would not listen. I said with a bitter smile, "I don't have the heart to care for myself, now I just want to make more money, seek more ways to find Ink, even if I take this life, I still want to find Ink." ”
"Then, can you entrust me with the task of taking care of you and Frost?" Gu Chen's words touched me, his expression was very sincere, not mixed with sympathy or possessive desire like others, I knew that he simply liked me.
But am I still entitled to happiness?
03 Gu Chen
I fell in love with a special woman who was an angel with folded wings. I know that she has had many experiences, and I have seen that she is now scarred, so I dare not go too far, nor do I dare to get too close, I only wish I could quietly guard her, watching her laugh and I was happy, and I felt uncomfortable when I found her crying.
But she always did not know how to take care of herself, often sick, I did not want her to suffer like this, I wanted to take good care of her, so I proposed to her. I knew that she didn't love me, even though she agreed to marry me, and even though a lot of people said she was using me, it didn't affect my love for her in the slightest.
Her soul seemed to be torn in half, half for her daughter and the other half for her missing son, and over the years she had spent tremendous energy and time looking for her son, only to be disappointed countless times.
Perhaps under too much psychological and spiritual stress, her body was getting weaker and weaker. I wanted to save her, but there was nothing she could do, and she lay in my arms and apologized to me in tears, regretting that she had not had a child for me. I put my arms around her and tried my best to calm my emotions, but I didn't care about anything, as long as she lived well, where I could see, it was enough.
But God did not hear my prayer, and she left, leaving me forever, leaving only her only daughter.
Frost was a distressed child, and at Ling Fei's funeral, she bowed her head and asked me softly: "They all say that when people die, they will become stars and meet in heaven, but if I go to heaven after too long a gap, can I still find my parents and brothers, will they forgive me for living alone?" ”
How could a 15-year-old have such thoughts? I grabbed her by the shoulders and told her aloud, "People who love you will look at you in heaven, you must live well, only if you are happy, they will be happy." Besides, you still have a brother, and you have to believe that one day he will come back. ”
Frost stared at Ling Fei's portrait for a long time before she said a word: "Mom, I'm sorry." ”
Since losing her mother, Frost began to behave strangely. Sometimes she would scream like crazy in the middle of the night, convulsing, and sometimes she would cry silently in the room saying that she had nightmares, but when I asked her what she dreamed, she said she didn't remember. I remembered hearing Ling Fei say that Frost had a similar reaction after his brother's disappearance, and that he had gone to see a psychiatrist department at the time, but eventually he was gone because of his limited financial ability.
I approached the doctor who treated Frost and told me that this manifestation was likely to be "post-traumatic stress disorder," or PTSD for short. One of the most typical symptoms of PTSD is that after a traumatic event, there will be a "lightning replay" situation at a certain moment, and the traumatic event or scene in the mind will be repeated over and over again from time to time, and most patients will have such a situation in the dream.
Frost's state was up and down, and I tried to persuade Frost to do psychotherapy, but she was very resistant and even tried to harm herself hysterically. I didn't dare to stimulate her anymore, maybe only by finding ink could I untie Frost's heart knot.
I opened Ling Shuang's relics and found Officer Chen, who had been in contact with her all these years, thinking that I had recently seen news reports that the police had cracked a number of child trafficking cases and recovered a large number of missing abducted children, and maybe there would be new news from Momo. I told him the news of Ling Fei's illness and death on the phone, saying that I could contact me at any time about the new situation of Momo in the future, but Officer Chen's answer shocked me.
"Didn't Ling Fei tell you before he died?" Half a year ago, we caught a man and a woman suspected of abducting children, and found out that they were the main criminals who abducted Ling Shuang and Ling Mo. According to their confessions, because Ling Mo kept resisting, they accidentally pushed Ling Mo into the pond and drowned, and later, fearing that the crime would be exposed, they buried the body in the woods, and later we also found Ling Mo's body according to the burial location they provided. I told Ling Fei about this matter a long time ago, and it wasn't long before she died of illness, and presumably her son's death was too much of a blow to her. ”
After talking to Officer Chen, my chest was like a big stone blocked, and I was almost suffocated. I remembered that not long ago, Ling Fei's spirit became very poor, often alone in a daze at the photos of Ink Ink, I thought she just missed her son too much, so I quietly accompanied her, she talked about Ink Mo's childhood, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, sometimes silent. It turned out that at that time, she already knew the truth, and her son would never come back to her. All these years, she has lived by this belief, but now in an instant, her world has collapsed.
She was so tired that she went quietly, like I had never owned her.
04 Ling Cream
When I woke up at midnight, sweat was already soaking the hair in front of my forehead, I gasped, closed my eyes to remember the nightmare I had just had, and the huge feeling of fear instantly made me open my eyes suddenly... The curtain of the window is blown by the wind, and the moonlight sprinkles on the wooden floor through the tree next to the window, and the stars are dotted...
I got up and walked over to my desk and turned on the lamp, which seemed to give me a little bit of relief. The wind of the night, with sadness, with poetry, I always feel this tranquility alone.
Fingertips gently dance on the white paper, inspiration blooms in the air, maybe a past life... I am a short flower, a fleeting appearance in the night, so in this life... I am still the spirit who awakens at night, turning beauty into color ink and integrating feelings into paintbrushes. I inherited my mother's talent for painting, which seemed to be the only thing she left me.
Halfway through the painting, I stopped writing because I knew the ink was coming. Whenever it was late at night, he would come to me, always on time, without interruption. He liked to lie on my side of the bed and listen to me tell stories about growing up, dreams, the sorrows of life, and the whimsy.
By the way, Momo, I've always wanted to find an opportunity to tell you that I recently dreamed of a man, a guy who seemed to be familiar. He covered my mouth with his warm wine-stained hands, grabbed my neck viciously, stared at me with his eyes hooked, and the smell of wine made my stomach churn and I wanted to vomit. The fear that spread over the ground made me feel like I was about to suffocate. I couldn't break free, my body trembling, as if the cells of my whole body were curled up. Then I woke up, with tears in my eyes, trying to control myself from shaking.
I always feel... It was he, though I couldn't see his face clearly, but the sense of fear that permeated the air stung my fragile nerves and awakened the pain in my body, and I finally remembered that it was you who saved me at my most helpless time. In the first place, if you hadn't bitten his hand so hard, I might not have been able to escape from his clutches. Before I could tell my mother, she left. You say, will Mom hate me?
Ink, everyone has a story hidden in their hearts, but if a person wants to forget some memories of the past, it is not easy. They seemed to be carved into the depths of my soul, sending me back countless times to the summer when that nightmare began.
(End)