Received a consultation, here is a brief answer.
The evening boat will return to the Tibetan head poem
The evening clouds are full, and the boat is trapped in the terrible waves.
It must be heroic and heroic, and the credit to the society is strong.
Under normal circumstances, I will not reply to this kind of current political related works, but since this friend has chosen to consult alone, we still have to be worthy of this sincerity.
Idle down to take a serious look at this work, the five-word relationship is simple, you can see it at a glance. This is a song that does not rhyme with a flat, rhymes with the rhyme "Eleven An", and the new rhyme "Eight Cold" part of the five musts. The flat format is strict and legal, indicating that this friend understands the law and knows the law.
From the format of the pass, the head is also well done. However, the problem is also very obvious, the rhetorical techniques and grammar are not good, resulting in insufficient expression and fluency, of course, it may also be that the hidden head limits his play.
The worst is the third sentence, which must be caused by the difficult handling of the word "must" in the tibetan head. "Must be heroic", from the grammatical logic is completely incomprehensible, which will cause reading difficulties for the reader, and naturally lose interest in the work.
The first sentence, "Late clouds and heavens are full", is also inappropriate, very vulgar, even the customs of dialects, it is completely possible to change the language, a little more elegant, and make the same description.
We're writing poetry, not talking nonsense on the streets. Speaking of customs, the third sentence makes others unable to understand, so this work is actually a simple problem, that is, the literary and artistic level is not enough, or the author's literary level is temporarily not enough to support the creation of ancient poetry - enthusiasm is of course full, but there is only enthusiasm, there is no improvement and accumulation of literary and artistic beauty, the work will inevitably fall into dry howl, which is the characteristic of the "old dry body".
In fact, it is not that current events cannot be written, enthusiasm cannot be written, but we must pay attention to the artistry of poetry.
Let's look at this five-piece song specifically, how to straighten out the word expression according to the idea.
The first sentence is written about the clouds at night, the second sentence is written about the terrifying waves, the third sentence is written about the heroes of the towel, and the fourth sentence is written about the backing of the motherland - is this how it was conceived?
If this is the case, there is no problem with the idea, it is purely that there is a big problem with the expression. Creators must strengthen the reading of poetry, especially the chairman's poetry, and learn from the chairman's good use of word expression and rhetorical methods in the creation of current affairs poetry, so as to break free from the quagmire of "oil poetry" and "old dry body".
Not only must we have positive energy, but we must also take into account literary and artistic nature. This literary and artistic nature, the first is to express smoothly, the second is to express high-end, atmospheric grade. To write this work, you must learn from the chairman. The chairman is the representative of the poet who best integrates literature and art with current affairs, and the last peak of ancient Chinese poetry.
The first thing about the five absolute problems of this song is to express the four sentences of literary thought summarized smoothly - of course, this has a certain degree of difficulty, that is, the law and the hidden head. The grammar is easy to handle, reasonable replacement of words can be done, the key is that the replacement of words can not affect the head.
Like "late clouds", this kind of word does not exist, we can not make it, so we must reconsider, such as replacing it with "late coming", "late wind", which is in line with the logic of ancient poetry creation, to express the night clouds, giving people a depressing feeling, we put it another way - "late cloud hegemony" - the flatness of this sentence becomes "pingping 仄仄平", the first sentence rhymes, fortunately, the word "heaven" also rhymes.
Whether it is "pingping 仄仄" or "pingping 仄仄平", it will not cause problems with the subsequent pingping deduction, and the sentence is still "仄仄仄平平", and the original sentence "The boat is trapped in the terrible waves" can still be used, which will not lead to the law (for the specific derivation, see the gelu poem column for a detailed explanation of the article).
In fact, "Boat Trap" is not as appropriate as "Boat Trap Between the Waves", but because the fourth sentence is a rhyme of the word "Jian", it is also necessary not to use "between" here. Let's keep this idea for the time being, because maybe the fourth sentence will have to be adjusted later.
There is nothing wrong with the word "frightening", and frightening waves is a meaning that can be used.
The key is to straighten out the third sentence of "must be heroic" - this seems to be written as a joke, although it is flat and law-abiding, and it hides the head, but it is not right to have this kind of coping writing. Whatever we create, we are responsible for our own work. If you really can't write it, you'd rather not write it than use a completely unintelligible sentence to make others laugh at their own poems, right?
I guess—it's a guess, this friend wants to use Wanzhou as a "scarf hero," which is the source of the word "towel"—but that still doesn't make sense.
This sentence has to be greatly changed.
I don't know when this work was written, if it was a work that was in the right place at the time of the incident, then the road back to China is still a direction of effort, and this work is still an expectation. If the work is written in the present moment and she has returned to China, then the work is a kind of exclamation - there is a difference in the emotional expression.
Because this work was just sent, I just wrote it, then it is similar to the celebration of the horse cannon, and the emotional focus is on the exclamation of the strong backing of the country, because it has been successful.
Then this "must" word is really not easy to deal with. Saying that she will return to China is suspected of being an afterthought. "Victory on the road back to the country"? "Victory on the Way Home"? Although blunt, it is always smoother than the inexplicable combination of "must be heroic".
We must sing praises, but not slogans, but learn from the chairman, and strike a balance between literary and artistic embellishments and current political themes, so that we will not degenerate into an old cadre that shouts slogans. Because the society is strong, so the road back to the country will be victorious, away from the personal hero evaluation of the evening boat, is it not good to say so?
Late to the clouds to dominate the sky, the boat fell into a terrifying wave pass.
Victory will return to the country, and the credit will be made to the society.
But we found that the third sentence and the fourth sentence, there are two "gui" words, the fourth sentence is the hidden head, so it can not be replaced, then we can only replace the third sentence of the "gui" word, let's use the "hui" word instead.
Victory on the way back to China, to the credit society Ji Jian.
In this way we straighten out the first and third sentences. At least the reader can read this work, and if there is a local poetry journal that is not afraid to publish current political works, there is no problem in sending it out.
But then again, the change is changed, this is still a work of no interest, on the praise, far less than singing a song "My Motherland" the emotion is full of energy. In terms of literature and art, it is still not close to the side, not even pure slogans - most slogan works on the Internet today are like this, although very correct, but it is really not interesting.
This is a "good old cadre" that is a qualified song, and it is an excellent material for non-Gelu to attack Gelu.
The key to our poetry is in the emotional and literary nature, and I don't know when your friends will correctly realize this.
Current affairs poems are not impossible to write, and I believe that this friend wrote this with emotion, and may even be in tears, but it is not expressed correctly and fluently. If you express it incorrectly, you will not be able to let others receive your emotions, you can't connect and receive, and what resonance and empathy do you say?
Poetry, poetry, what is "text"? Ornaments also. It is to write beautifully, to be called an article, poetry must also have a sense of rhythm, is a beautifully written, rhythmic rhyme, in order to qualify as a good poem.
This kind of work is still too far from the ideal, and if you don't eliminate the heart of not wanting to write about the "old dry body" all the time, you will never enter the temple of good poetry creation.
The words are relatively straight, even a little ugly, but it is out of the sincere hope that such friends will get out of the shackles of their own thinking.
If you don't take a strong medicine, you can't save people - but the medicine is prescribed, and it is up to you to eat or not to eat.
Maybe they don't think it's a problem at all.
So I have said everything I have to say, and I can only hold the regret of loving to listen or not listening- suddenly realizing Zhuangzi's "cold-eyed and enthusiastic" philosophy of life.