At the end of November, as the United States is approaching thanksgiving, followed by Christmas and New Year, it is the most cheerful and relaxing month in the United States. Although people talk about working, they actually slow down to match the festive atmosphere. Christmas lights were hung on the street a month in advance, which showed the leisure and laziness of people's hearts. But I didn't want to hear the news of my grandmother's death on such a morning.
It is strange to say that the human heart will open its own protection when it is hit hard, and it will descend to the ground, but it will erect a wall on the ground. Like an ostrich burying its head in the soil, like a turtle shrinking its body, exhorting itself to say that it is good to be prepared in advance, as if it is not sad to be prepared, the result is really not sad. Going to work as usual, there is a hidden pain in the depths, but because of the busyness of the day, I have no time to think about it. In the evening, when I returned home to sit down, I was sad - it turned out that the castle had already collapsed from the inside.
Being in a foreign country, I can't send my grandmother on my last journey, so I will piece together the fragmentary memories, not to describe every detail, but to at least outline a silhouette of my grandmother. With time, many memories will fade, and Grandma's impression will be blurred, and at least this silhouette will be there at least that time, which can be recalled from the time Grandma left to a long time ago.
Now I have a deep understanding of bringing small stones myself, and many people have a "grandmother" around them when they are young. Parents have limited maternity leave, and most of them need to bring their babies to work at the same time. For inexperienced parents, there will be many difficult things to deal with; even if they are slowly on the road, this is still a complicated abyss, which can be buried in minutes, so the rhythm and quality of the family's life will be challenged. At this time, an experienced elder is needed, on the one hand, meticulous, troubleshooting, taking care of children, on the other hand, macro control of the quality of life of the whole family, this person is often the grandmother.
I have had my grandmother since I remember, but I actually came into contact with my grandmother back to an earlier time ago, because since I was born, my grandmother has been in Chengdu and has assumed the role of "grandmother". At that time, the conditions were not good, and the family was crammed into a single room of such a 40 or 50 square meters. Of course, I have almost no impression of these things, and most of them come from the memories of adults. I often heard adults tell stories of my grandmother chasing and feeding me, and my grandmother herself liked to mention that I was shouting "Uncle Chen" and asking him to drive me out, threatening to "kick you" if he didn't work, and my grandmother imitated the tone of my childhood.
By now I know that taking care of the children itself is a full-time job, and my grandmother not only hugged me and coaxed me to feed me to wash me, change my diapers and wash my clothes, but also participated in buying vegetables, cooking, cleaning up the house, sweeping the floor, cleaning up and dressing. When I was sick, I had my grandmother take care of me, and my grandmother was sick and had to carry me to the doctor. As I grew up, my grandmother's business was also expanding, gradually joining me to play storytelling, followed by picking up and dropping off school and urging homework, of course, the quality, quantity and sample of cooking have increased unabated.
(Figure. Grandma is at work. ）
Speaking of storytelling, it was a must-have show for falling asleep every night after I was a certain age. Grandma's reading glasses slid on the tip of her nose, her voice was loving and gentle, and she sounded very comfortable when she fell asleep. Sometimes I can't sleep for a long time, and sometimes I am deliberately naughty and do not sleep, look at how long grandma consumes energy, grandma really has been talking like that, the tone of voice will not change, so many years I do not remember what the story tells, but the body voice of grandma telling the story is unforgettable.
Bringing a baby is enough to toss and turn, and Grandma sometimes has to take both at the same time. The two children are in the same room and inevitably quarrel, and Grandma has accumulated a lot of mediation experience. That time at Gaosheng Bridge, Lao Yang and I had an encounter. The reason is that Grandma made a bun, took out a plate first, and randomly gave it to Old Yang - Yang Xiao, I hate. I grabbed a flaw and tapped Old Yang on the head with a board—Yang cried, I made a fuss. Grandma brought me another plate of buns— Yang cried, I was quiet. Grandma went back to the kitchen and fried a bowl of egg fried rice for each of us, and at the same time brought it out to us - Yang to eat, I to eat, Yang Jing, I Jing - successfully resolved the battle.
Grandma was very good at communicating with me from the perspective of a child's young age. It was when I was in elementary school, and one summer at Aunt Gui's house. The Gui Garden is on a large hillside, high on the ninth floor, which is relatively close to the moon in that era. How nai building is tall and widowed, silent and gloomy, the stairs are not yet lit, my aunt has told me a lot of ghost stories about this atmosphere - the night in Gui Garden is the source of many nightmares in my childhood. This summer in Gui Garden, on a hot night, the old fat family and old Yang went to Zhangjiajie, my parents were not there, and my grandmother and I were at home (I want to wonder why I would still be in Chongqing). Grandma may be in the kitchen, she may be sleeping, but there is a dead silence all around, and then there is a rapid knock at the door. Who will be behind the door? Surely not the old fat old Yang them, the boat had opened early. Could it be the headless wild ghost that my aunt talked about, or the mysterious stranger who was as tall as the bottom of the pot that Grandpa had talked about, or the bloody hand in front of the window that Old Yang had talked about finally finding the door? My legs were soft and I crawled to call Grandma. Grandma immediately understood what I saw, but neither immediately turned on the lights to extinguish the atmosphere, nor did she threaten to exaggerate the atmosphere. Instead, he took me and put on a running posture to meet my anxiety; but he took small steps and slowly moved to match my steps; and at the same time, he hummed "I picked up a penny on the side of the road" in his mouth to stabilize my emotions. I pulled my grandmother and shrunk behind like an eagle catching a chicken, but my vision was blocked by my grandmother's wide back, which reduced my reverie; listening to my grandmother's little song stabilized my mentality. Just follow grandma's little steps all the way, and I really don't have to be so afraid. Looking back, I have long forgotten who was knocking on the door, but this trot is infinitely lengthened in memory, like in a dark tunnel with no end, and I am behind my grandmother, listening to my grandmother's little song, stepping on my grandmother's rhythm, and my heart is steady and peaceful.
Even if she didn't give up, Grandma would have to leave for Chongqing. I remember that when I was young (I still lived in Gaoshengqiao), when it was time to leave, my grandmother dressed me as usual. While wearing it, I was told to pay attention not to get cold. "Cool from my feet", my grandmother whispered when I put on my socks, and the tears slid down as she spoke. Unfortunately, it would be too small to understand the feelings contained in this reluctance, but it was more interesting. Bigger is the other way around. Every winter and summer vacation to go back to Chongqing to play for a while, every time you have to go, the most reluctant is your grandmother, grabbing your grandmother and not letting go, howling and crying is even more, slamming on the car window and jumping out to hug your grandmother.
Of course, the above large-scale scenes generally appear in the kind of "big parting" that cannot be seen in the next year and a half. And even if you are in Chongqing, you will not stay at your grandmother's house every day, so there are all kinds of "small partings" that come again today and tomorrow. Since there is a hope for the next time, the little parting is generally not too emotionally cathartic. Grandma still lived in the bunker building by the railway, and every time I left my grandmother's house, my grandmother would stand in front of the window, lean out slightly, and send me away with a wave of her hand. Grandma's waving is not a perfunctory dance, but a full range from left to top to right, from right to top to left, and so on; it is not a light flutter that sways with the wind, but with abundant energy and moderate speed. Even if I had gone so far that I could no longer see my grandmother's expression, I could still feel my grandmother's warm smile from the arms waving under my grandmother's light brown sweater. So I would take two steps and wave my little hand in response. Grandma's house lived on the fifth floor, and in that era the view was very wide, and it could take us far away. Often we go to the end, we are blocked and can't see, if we go back, we can still see Grandma waving, as if she will continue to wave until we come again next time. The pale blue air, the gray bunker tower, the roar of the train, the slightly flowing air rolling in the smell of earth, is a static picture, and Grandma's swaying hand is like a twinkling star, which becomes the focus of the painting.
Then it was the other way around, Grandma lived in Huangjiaoping, and the waving farewell was no longer applicable to the limited field of vision. But every time My grandmother came to see me at my aunt's house, when she went back, she would wave goodbye to me on the slope downstairs. It's still the same amplitude and intensity, but the difference is that Grandma has become the party that moves around. So as I walked forward, I would turn sideways and wave at me, while I would reverse the role in front of the window, imitating my grandmother's waving to say goodbye to her (that hand was not small). The distance is limited, and within a few steps, Grandma will come out of view. At this point she would come back and wave at me, often several times. Until her fingertips finally drew out of view, I was still in front of the window, as if she would keep going to go back and out again.
Because of our closeness, Lao Fei and I did not directly call "grandmother", but replaced it with various elegant names. Old Fat used to call "A Cup", and I called "Second Uncle" for a long time (the bull's head is not right for the horse's mouth). Later, it was uniformly called "laowai", and even my mother and aunt followed suit.
Foreigners love to laugh, laugh and sip their mouths, their eyes are bent into slits, there are two dimples on their faces, and they are chubby and particularly kind. In the wet market is also a little famous, known as "laughing old woman". When traveling, tourists also support her as a lucky star.
(Figure. Grandma's laughter. ）
Just because of the chubby, foreigner's arms are warm and soft, I like to hold the foreigner and fall into her arms to the end. Foreigner's arm is another experience, the flesh hangs there, thick and tender and soft needless to say, it is also cool, in the summer it is a natural cool treasure, I love it, and the foreigner is hot and bitter. The most interesting thing is a pair of soft fat hands of foreigners, and when holding a fist, the back of the hand is completely absent from the bone convexity, which can be described as "bone sponge palm". Foreigners just like to teach me to remember the size of the month with the bumps of the hand bones: the big moon corresponds to the bone convexity, and the small moon corresponds to the gap between the bone convex, just corresponding to the size of the month. However, this magic method does not apply to the foreigner himself, because the foreigner's hand is the same as "February Flat".
(Figure. Hug Grandma. Of course, this is not the same type as the one trapped in the text, after all, we are older, and Grandma has become a small party. ）
Foreigners are fat, and there is a reason. Foreigners love to eat, especially love to eat meat, but also fat. In the early years, foreigners gave the whole family chefs, and every meal must be a feast; later, the foreigners themselves lived in simplicity, and the meals they made for themselves were not reduced. In this way, the "three highs" come uninvited, so the aunt will limit the supply of oil and meat in the process of buying vegetables for foreigners, and add vegetables and lean meat. And the foreigner is actually a demon, who will sneak to the downstairs vegetable market to buy hoofed pork belly, and will also hide canned lunch meat, self-sufficient and self-sufficient.
Foreigners themselves are "massive", of course, they will not treat their children badly. Old Fat and I have a surprising stomach from a small stomach, and it seems that it has nothing to do with it. So the silhouette of the three people under the sunset was cast on the ground, like three fat people. Lao Fei also once picked the crown of hypertension early, and the teenage years old and the "elderly friends" across the country watched health programs together to understand how to deal with this elderly disease. So the three of them agreed to lose weight together, and each reunion tested each other's weight loss results, and the conclusion was often "weight loss failure".
Foreigners' hobbies, in terms of tradition, are Peking Opera. I'm afraid that only she will choose the Peking Opera channel, and she likes to hum two sentences from time to time. It didn't seem to affect me, but it left some traces. For example, I can recognize old Peking opera bones like KuiZhi and Meng Guanglu, which are enough to blow for a lifetime among friends of the same age. But in fact, apart from their names and looks, I don't know anything about the rest. Of course, foreigners don't just listen to dramas, she also likes some powerful old singers (Guo Lanying?). Works, even English songs, such as "This Is Waiting" are her regular humming tracks.
Foreigners also like to watch film and television dramas, but her style of watching dramas is worth mentioning: as long as there is someone on the side, she will turn to you sideways to introduce the ins and outs of the plot, talking endlessly, and if this person expresses some interest, she will not hesitate to turn around completely, so the style of painting becomes a one-sided chat, and the TV becomes the background. Presumably Lao Fei will remember "Goodbye Ah Lang", originally to accompany the foreigner to watch, the result of the foreigner to talk focused, is playing but did not watch for a second, but I and Lao Fei watched a lot, coupled with the detailed elaboration of the previous plot, we both know the whole drama in such an episode or two. Out of the same half-heartedness, foreigners will bring Donta and Sakai Zhangguan Lee Dai Sung Donka and Shin-ku (an uncle's name) from "The Hunt". I still remember the foreigner shaking his head and reciting the line, "Jump! Donka also jumped, Shen Jiu also jumped, jumped! Shen Jiu was really wronged, and did not jump down, when the foreigner said this, most of the people played chess, hoping that sneezing would not disturb the war situation.
Foreigners also have a hobby, called "fortune telling", is a one-person played poker game, the specific rules have long been forgotten, but from this point of view, foreigners are really homely.
Foreigners love people and flowers, and there are always all kinds of flowers and grasses growing at home. He also loves cleanliness and is an authentic "cleanliness fetish". When there is nothing to do, I like to clean and clean, and my clothes are changed frequently, simple and tidy; the refrigerator and cupboard are also neatly organized, as if to welcome a military parade. How loving foreigners are!
Foreigners usually speak an authentic Chongqing dialect, which is not applicable on special occasions, and can also show a pure (pepper salt) Mandarin. In Beijing, I personally created a lot of laughs, and I still talk about it for us. For example, restaurants want to "Garfield" to leave the waiter disheveled (yes, foreigners are still coffee lovers). There is also a bus to go to "Lugu" (Lugu), causing the driver's mouth to tremble. Later, foreigners learned to be obedient and did not easily open the yellow cavity, but unfortunately encountered an emergency, such as the foot truck door, had to shout "Master, my 'jue'!" ”。 Foreigners can also order English: "Peel the shell and eat rice" and "the plate is more frank than the bowl". Later, after learning English, I found that the foreigner did not speak English, but "yin" language.
Foreigners also bring together a lot of folk sayings, handy, catchy, vivid and easy to understand. Although these vocabularies are not all texts of Yangchun White Snow, they can often be placed in the most suitable context with the most suitable body, and harvest miraculous effects. The semantic precision often makes the speaker and the listener feel that there is no other way to replace it. Unfortunately, most of them I forgot, only skin face light, chat to fill the number, for feelings.
Grandma was so kind to us, but her life was full of sentimentality. Ten years ago, the white-haired man sent my mother away, and he burst into tears, even after a long time, he still saw things and thought of people, talked about my mother and thought of people, and even saw me think of people, talked about me thinking about people. After that, I said goodbye to foreigners on the phone before leaving Chongqing many times, and foreigners told me on the phone that "a person outside should take care of myself", and choked up when I said it, thinking of my mother is no longer there, not worrying about me, but also thinking of my mother, so sadness came from it. Grandma sent Grandpa away four years ago. Before Grandpa's death, the two had countless big or small unhappiness, but Grandpa cried and remembered behind him, before he could cut his nails, the person left.
Grandpa was sent away, and Grandma's own life slowly came to an end. The last time I spoke to my grandmother was in May of this year. Knowing that she was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and engaged in cancer research, she understood the significance of this diagnosis. The foreigner himself did not know it, and he relied on his aunt to make up a reason before he pretended to be casual and talked to the foreigner. I squeezed my eyebrows and let the foreigner show me her fat hands; privately I took crazy screenshots, lest I miss any moment. Grandma smiled and said that her stomach was not very comfortable, and she would go to the hospital tomorrow to see it, and then talk when she came back. I smiled and agreed, my heart was sad, I hung up the phone, and the tears did not wait for a second, flowing down in waves. "Grandma is so pathetic! Grandma is so pathetic... ”
At that time, Grandma was just beginning to have hidden pain, and her appearance could not see much change. However, after the deterioration of the disease, the man also became more and more emaciated. The original "sea stomach" has developed into not even drinking milk. And we agreed to lose weight for such a long time, the time and time again to fail, did not expect to finally really thin into a skin bag bone, let people look at the photos are heartbroken. How I hope that the foreigner will lose weight again, and then lift up that fleshy arm, use the fat hand of "February Flat" to pick up a piece of fat meat, close the small mouth, chew slowly, be satisfied, smile, bend his eyes into a slit, and carry two dimples. Even if it is high blood pressure, it is always better than the final high pressure and even seventy! At the same time, Grandma must not forget to kindly advise: Of course, don't look at this table of good dishes, in the end it is just 'horse skin face light', the body is the most important, you must take care of yourself outside, be happy! Tears flowed as he spoke. However, this time, Grandma no longer had tears, and there was no longer pain, and instead we said goodbye to her tears.
Grandma left, but the flowers and grasses she raised were still standing up healthily, hurrying to send mourning to Grandma before the final withering; Grandma left, her house was still neat, continuing to cater to Grandma's "cleanliness habits", as if Grandma would come back at any time to review; Grandma left, many things were still in their original positions, waiting for her to return: the humble photo wall calendar was still on the sofa, the map of Lao Yang's school days was still hanging on the bedroom wall, and even the smiling Buddha that I had when I was a child continued to laugh at the red dust in the cupboard; Grandma left, The clothes were still folded there, plain and neat, but unfortunately the owner was no longer there (even if it was still there, it was difficult for the thin body to support them anymore).
I can't help but think that since I was born, as the time of coming out has become longer, the contact with my grandmother has been shortening. Born in Chengdu, every day there is a grandmother; go to school, the entire winter and summer vacation and even the Golden Week will go back to Chongqing to see grandma, and these Chongqing time, in the early days, is based on the grandmother's house bunker building, every day there is a grandmother, to later live in the aunt's house, every three to five grandmothers will come over; later to Beijing to go to college, winter and summer vacation will have most of the time to return to Chongqing, and at this time grandma walking around is gradually inconvenient, generally I will go to my grandmother's house in a few days to see her; then I went abroad, every two years to return to China for two or three weeks, and the time spent in Chongqing will be even less, The number of visits to Grandma's house was reduced to just one or two, for a total of only a few hours. From this point of view, since birth, there has been an irreversible separation from the grandmother, and the grandmother's departure will eventually end. Just like grandma and I waved goodbye downstairs at the bunker, no matter how slowly I walked, no matter how much I turned back, Grandma would eventually fade out of view and melt into the background: light blue air, gray bunker building, the roar of the train, the slightly flowing air rolling the smell of dirt, and Grandma's swinging hand turned into a flickering star, waving, flashing, non-stop.
December 4, 2021
New York Island, Lo Island