Yesterday, I saw the news that #Missing Photographer Lu Dawson confirmed his death on the Weibo hot search list.
After several days of search and rescue, it finally drew a sad end.
On November 28, 25-year-old photographer Lu Dawson disappeared after revealing his suicide note.
In this repeatedly revised suicide note, the word "pressure" appears a total of six times, saying that "it is not a straw that crushes me," but "I walk like a mountain on my back." ”
Complex native families, school bullying... All kinds of interpersonal pressures make him feel that "loneliness seems to be a shadow accompanying me..." "The city of stars, but there is no lamp to illuminate me..."
In the comment area, many netizens said that they had similar experiences -
Many people may have experienced the stress and pain of their original family, intimate relationships, or other relationships...
However, many people may not realize that stressful relationships can do more harm than we can imagine – it can really be fatal.
Today, we want to talk to you seriously about why stressful relationships are so dangerous, how can we identify the stressful relationships around us, and, if we are already in them, what should we do?
The psychoanalyst Frieda Fromm-Reichmann (1969) once pointed out, "Loneliness is a painful, frightening experience that people want to avoid at any cost." "Studies have found that being alone for a long time does increase people's risk of death by 26% (Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008).
Perhaps because of this, people sometimes choose to stay in dangerous relationships that make them feel unhappy, even stressful, in order to escape loneliness. However, recent studies have found that stressful relationships are no more comfortable than loneliness, and not only that, but they also "poison" people's health.
Growing up, stress relationships can make an individual's immune system and metabolism overactive, and this aspect can make people physiologically more "precocious", for example, University of Minnesota psychologist Sooyeon Sung et al. (2016) found that girls who have been in extremely stressful relationships (ignored or abused by caregivers) have a year earlier menstruation and puberty than normal girls.
On the other hand, it will also make people "degenerate" prematurely in mental cognition. Researchers at University College London in the United Kingdom found that those who felt more stress in relationships experienced cognitive aging faster, with those who felt the most stress (top 30%) aging and degenerating in terms of flexibility of thought 10 years faster than those who felt the least stress (bottom 30%) (Liao et al., 2014).
Not only that, but these stressful relationships can also hasten people's deaths.
The researchers followed nearly 10,000 participants for up to 11 years (Lund et al., 2014). During this period, a total of 422 people died, and the majority of them felt stressed in relationships, 2-3 times more than those who were "less stressed in relationships". And, the closer the relationship, the greater the impact of the stress on the person — those who have a bad relationship with a partner or child are 50%-100% more likely to die prematurely than the average person.
*Premature death refers to the expected life expectancy of the population that precedes the population in which they live.
If a relationship involves people in stress, conflict, and pain for a long time, it can be said that it is a dangerous relationship that constantly eats away at health and life.
Such a dangerous relationship, to a large extent, is a relationship dynamic created by the two sides in the intentional or unintentional relationship. It has the following three main characteristics (Brown, 2017):
1. Imbalance between giving and taking
The imbalance between giving and taking is a major manifestation of a dangerous relationship full of pressure and contradictions.
Sometimes, this imbalance between giving and taking exists at the beginning of the relationship — it may be a mutual attraction between the giver and the taker, in which the two sides shape each other and morbidly symbiosis, thus contributing to the "steady state" of the imbalance between giving and taking in the relationship.
However, this relationship is not as "one willing to fight and one willing to be beaten, there is nothing wrong with it" as people think.
Often, the giver feels exhausted in the long-term effort and does not ask for returns, but also because his needs are not always met and fall into pain, and even in his heart, he is worried about waiting for the day of "settlement".
Not only that, but they will also fall into an inexplicable panic - once they stop giving, the other party is very likely to abandon themselves. Because they can't be sure whether the maintenance and development of each other's relationship is based on feelings or their own continuous efforts.
2. Conflicts that are not properly handled
Conflict in the relationship may hurt the relationship, and may also bring new opportunities to the relationship, so that both parties have the opportunity to express their chests. Whether the conflict solves the problem or creates the problem is also related to 1) the problem that triggers the conflict, and 2) whether the conflict is properly handled.
Kurdek (1994) found in his research that disagreements and contradictions about "positions of power in relationships" and "intimacy" hurt the relationship more than some conflicts and quarrels about social issues or personal plans.
In addition, Russell-Chapin et al. (2001) found that when resolving conflicts, people's communication styles affect whether conflicts can be properly resolved, and ultimately affect the stress and distress people feel in relationships.
In the process of conflict, everyone may alternately adopt different communication methods, such as some friendly considering for each other (altruism), some objectively analyzing the pros and cons (analyzing), and some showing strong persuasion (firmness)...
The researchers found that if both parties blindly act "firm and direct", it will make the relationship full of more pressure and contradictions, which may be because the expression is always firm and direct, often making the other party feel unheard, only persuasive, and unkind.
3. Lack of basic emotional support
The establishment of relationships between people requires some basic emotional responses. It is precisely because of the existence of emotional foundations that people are more willing to start from their own standpoint when they experience conflict, difficulties, or need to pay or sacrifice. If one party's emotional needs in the relationship are consistently unable to get a response in time, they will feel stressed.
If you think the three characteristics of the previous article remind you of certain relationships, you may wish to compare the following eight "signals" (Deitz, 2016) to determine whether you are in a dangerous relationship .
In this relationship, you always take the initiative or take the lead in apologizing, and the other party is always right; you always feel that you need to compromise and change, and the other party is always for your own good and help point out problems;
In this relationship, you can't be happy, and even hearing each other's voices will feel irritable or stressful;
In this relationship, you can't voluntarily give or take it safely, or feel that you are passively caught in a kind of calculation, or feel that you are forced to carry a huge sense of indebtedness;
In this relationship, communication is "difficult" at all times. Even every conversation will make you feel upset and worried;
You feel like you're often caught up in inexplicable worries and panics about relationships. And for relationships with other people, you will not have such insecurities;
Whenever I think of the need to stay in a space with the other party for a long time, I feel anxious and uneasy;
You feel like you can't get support from the other person. Even when you encounter difficulties, you will first ask for help, although your relationship may be closer or theoretically more familiar and intimate;
You need to feel a moment of relaxation through certain behaviors or activities, such as drinking, overeating, etc.
1) Improving Relationships by Adjusting Boundaries (Raypole, 2019)
Setting boundaries can make a difference in relationships and may help you improve your feelings about them.
Rethink the pattern and frequency of your communication with the other person, carefully deciding what you will share with the other person and what you will have reservations about. You need to realize that you don't need to share everything with the other person. When you try to set clear boundaries, you may find that the stress of the relationship is slowly affecting you.
For example, relying on a certain physical distance to adjust the boundary, or reducing the number of contacts, controlling the frequency of contact, and so on.
You may find that such a change is very helpful for your mental state. It's worth noting that once you've set these boundaries for yourself, try not to cross them. Wavering can put you back into a difficult or unhealthy situation.
Of course, from the state of intimacy to the establishment of one's own boundaries, it is inevitable that there will be obstacles. You can try following the meditation practice below to feel your own feelings of being ignored, gradually setting your boundaries and avoiding compromise.
2) Consider leaving the dangerous relationship
Sometimes even if we set boundaries, the people in these relationships don't respect our boundaries and bottom lines and still go their own way. Then leaving and ending the relationship may be the best option.
However, many complex relationships are not something that can be broken, which may involve relevant legal responsibilities and obligations, and it is recommended to choose the most suitable way for you to stay away from the relationship under the guidance of a professional.
Don't feel sorry for your choices, it's you shouting at the hurt you've done to the relationship.
At the same time, you need to be mentally prepared for the other party's reaction, be firm in your choice, know that the choice to leave is correct, even if the other party is abusive, angry, and accusing, try to make you feel guilty, do not change your choice.
3) Cultivate and strengthen healthy relationships
As you deal with the potential harm caused by dangerous relationships, you can look for healthy relationships that foster and reinforce the sense of connection and security that those relationships bring.
It could be a colleague you trust, it could be a friend you don't often contact, it could be your classmate when you were a student, try to communicate sincerely with each other, actively seek connection and support, and maybe you can develop the new intimacy you need.
Healthy, safe relationships can nourish our bodies and minds and bring comfort and hope on tough days.
Finally, reading this, if you're still feeling difficult, it might be time to seek professional psychological help.
You can choose to work out how relationships affect your life and state with the help of a counselor. Once you become aware of and recognize these problems, you can slowly adjust, re-feel the beauty of life, and gradually come out of the predicament.
As Lu Dawson shouted in his suicide note: "Stranger, please remember that you are worthy of love!" ”
May you and I be treated with tenderness.
Interaction today: Have you ever experienced a dangerous "stress relationship"? What was that like? Are you out now? We are waiting for you in the comments section.