Friends are friendly, I am Miao Baoping, a psychological counselor, and the name of the network is like dust.
Today we continue to read Dr. Yue Xiaodong's book "The Feeling of Ascending to Heaven: I Did Psychological Counseling at Harvard University": "Chapter 9 Are Our Fate Exhausted?" section content.
Text: (continued above)
2. What is the psychological manifestation of Wei Hong's dependence on others - dependence and self-help
Wei Hong came to me for consultation, hoping that I could give her a lot of life inspiration in the way of talking and laughing like the last time I went to the airport to pick up Zhigang. But as a psychological counselor, I am reluctant to act as Wei Hong's "guide". This runs counter to the main theme of psychological counseling, "helping others to help themselves".
After this hope was disappointed, Wei Hong expressed considerable dissatisfaction with me, and subconsciously, regarded me as a person like Zhigang who did not dare to take responsibility and did not dare to face reality. This kind of empathy of hers shows that she longs for someone to bear her psychological pressure and directly points her out.
Wei Hong has always been the pearl in the palm of her teacher's mind, which makes her hope that no matter where she is, someone will affirm her and appreciate her. Even later when I went to work at the unit, it was the same, which was highly valued, and I didn't need to worry too much. After Wei Hong came to the United States to study, she was tormented by life, and still longed for someone to coddle her and spoil her, rather than live so hard and so heavy. Therefore, the problem wei hong is currently facing is not only the confusion of no longer being like-minded with Zhigang, but also the sense of loss in the adaptation from favor to fall out of favor, from dependence to independence. In fact, Wei Hong herself has that kind of independent ability, and her success in the United States is enough to prove this, but she needs time to gradually adjust herself.
Therefore, in the face of Wei Hong's marriage crisis, as a psychological counselor, it is not appropriate for me to do any direct persuasion or persuasion, which is just something that ordinary friends do to comfort each other. What I want to do is to help her analyze the psychological factors of the problem to clarify her thinking.
Specifically, I found that Wei Hong's self-centered performance seriously affected the emotional communication between their husband and wife, but Wei Hong did not think about it. When she does her own thing, she can let go of her hands and feet and dare to act; However, when it comes to things that touch personal interests, they become shrinking and difficult to decide. This is because she is subconsciously, too narcissistic.
Therefore, I hope that through my consultation, Wei Hong can recognize her own problems, rather than always defending her own behavior.
All these things are where Wei Hong's dependence lies.
3. What is the problem in Wei Hong's personality structure - the wandering between the child's self and the parental self
In the consultation for Wei Hong, I also found that the "child-like self" and "parental self" in her personality were very incompatible.
Specifically, although Wei Hong has grown up, she still longs for everyone around her to appreciate her and obey her. Once this feeling is not satisfied, she develops a strong emotional experience of self-pity and self-pity. Especially in the relationship with Zhigang, she hopes that Zhigang can understand her and support her anytime and anywhere, and does not care enough about Zhigang's current state of mind, and does not respect him enough (for example, Zhigang originally let Wei Hong go abroad, let her have a fetus, and then gave up his career development in China to accompany her, this series of concessions, seemingly a kind of understanding and support, is actually accommodating Wei Hong). This is typical of her "childlike self".
On the other hand, Wei Hong's thinking problems are black and white, and they are not flexible enough. She sees "a few more years of reading" as a matter of right and wrong, rather than a question of balance between gain and loss. As a result, Wei Hong cannot distinguish the difference between the pursuit of truth and the wisdom of life, and cannot fully appreciate the dialectical relationship between gain and loss (for example, Wei Hong cannot face the conflict between going to Harvard for a long time and the marriage crisis, because she cannot sacrifice either of them). This is again a typical manifestation of the "parental self".
Wei Hong is torn between the "child-style self" and the "parental self", lacking the spirit of autonomy and the sense of reflection. Psychologically, this is a manifestation of a personality defect. So on the surface, although Wei Hong is very aggressive and independent, deep down, she still wants to be a little girl who is cared for and easy to be harsh on others.
In response to her extreme manifestations of "childlike self" and "parental self", I mainly used "interaction analysis therapy."
(Transactional Analysis Thera - py)", trying to help Wei Hong position herself on the "adult self", dialectically look at the current marriage crisis and its gains and losses, and actively face reality, rather than indulging in the way of thinking and behavior of "childlike self" and "parental self".
Wei Hong's society to look at the current marriage crisis objectively is a great promotion for her personality growth.
unscramble:
Dr. Eric Berne, a well-known Canadian psychologist, believes that a person's personality includes three main components, namely the child's self-state, the parent's self-state, and the adult's self-state.
(1) Child ego state: It is the part of a person who thinks, feels and behaves in the way he or she has done in the past (especially as a child). Representing the part of oneself from the time when I was a child, it is the beginning of a person's entire life. More energetic than the parent self and the adult self. Undertake the task of directly expressing needs and adapting to the requirements of the environment to achieve development tasks. When people show crying, laughing, and getting angry, they use it, or they fantasize about things, create inventions, and so on. The most typical words are: "I want", "I don't". The child's ego is the one that needs to be soothed the most. For example, when we enjoy a movie, we are happy, sad, nervous, and scared as the plot rises and falls. These are clear examples of children's self-state functioning.
(3) Parental self-state: This is a part of a person's personality that learns from one's parents (or other people with parental influence) and integrates them. When a person is in the ego state of the parents, the outward behavior will behave like their parents, and so will the inner thoughts and feelings. It mainly comes from its own parents, and will unconsciously make the same behavior, actions, language, attitudes, etc. as its own parents. We can see a person's parent self from the words people use. For example: "you should", "you must", "I know more than you know", or criticize others, want to take care of others, feel that other people's needs are more important than your own needs.
(3) Adult self-state: When you act, think, and feel in a way that responds to events that are happening here and now, and can use your abilities, you are in an adult self-state. The adult self-state is the part of a person who uses existing resources to think, remember, and apply, usually in an unemotional way, and is part of the here and now. For example, when you are reading a book and you see some information, you are not emotionally judging whether it applies to yourself, this is your own adult self- state. If you're angry and say, "These guys don't know what they're talking about!" "This is the ego state of the parents you may be in critical of or the self of the angry child. Engineers design sketches, judges handle cases, and doctors diagnose diseases, all of which are clear examples of the operation of adult self-state.
There is a lyric that says it well: How can we see a rainbow without experiencing wind and rain. There are no small children who walk without falling, experience comes from experience. Chairman Mao once said that if you want to know the taste of pears, you must taste them yourself. That is to say, practice can produce true knowledge, environmental changes can create people, a person's growth process will face many realities, so parents in the process of educating and raising children, if too much pampering, pampering, in the child's subconscious will lack of autonomy and introspection consciousness, when entering the society, encounter complex and changeable things or many contradictions, will fall into helplessness, can not solve problems independently, thereby affecting their careers, or affecting marriage, or confused in interpersonal relationships.
Therefore, Wei Hong's experience reminds our parents that a good way of education, especially setback education, can cultivate chicks into eagles that soar freely in the blue sky. (This article refers to the content of Baidu Encyclopedia)
December 4, 2021 #Counselor said #