Friends are friendly, I am Miao Baoping, a psychological counselor, and the name of the network is like dust.
Today we continue to read Dr. Yue Xiaodong's book "The Feeling of Ascending to Heaven: I Did Psychological Counseling at Harvard University": "Chapter 9 Are Our Fate Exhausted?" section content.
Text: I'm not satisfied that you're always avoiding contradictions
Wei Hong and Zhi Gang were very distressed, and the word "divorce" had begun to hang on their lips.
I met Wei Hong through my wife, who met at a literary seminar held by the Yenching Society at Harvard.
On the day Zhi gang came to Boston, Wei Hong called and asked me to drive to the airport to pick up people. Later, the two of them invited us to get together again, and Zhigang asked me about applying for school and working. I have a pretty good impression of both of them.
One day six months later, Wei Hong suddenly called and asked if he could talk to me alone.
"Do you know what to talk about?" I asked cautiously.
"It's about me and Zhigang, anyway, a sentence is not clear." I know you're studying psychology |, and maybe you can help me sort out my thoughts, but I really can't stand it. Wei Hong replied.
The next day, Wei Hong came to my office, sat down, and said to me, "I hope you can keep everything I'm talking about here a secret."
"Of course," I replied, "this is the minimum requirement for our profession, including for my family." ”
Wei Hong smiled heartily, and then told a series of disputes and conflicts that occurred between them since Zhi zhi first came to the United States. To sum up, there are three main aspects:
First, there is the conflict over where future developments are headed.
Although Zhigang is in the United States, he can't forget the business of those buddies in China, who have officially registered and established a company in China, and wrote to invite him to go back to the helm. Before Zhigang went abroad, he told them that he came to the United States this time to probe the market situation in the United States. Zhigang said he never wanted to stay in the United States, although Wei Hong hinted at him more than once.
Second, Zhigang is now working outside the home, doing all odd jobs.
This is extremely incompatible with the work that Zhigang originally did in China. Zhi gang often complained that if he stayed like this, he would soon become a wasted man. As for Wei Hong's repeated requests to go to school, Zhigang remained indifferent. "I can't learn anymore, and I'm not a scholar in the first place," Zhigang always prevaricated wei hong.
Third, the officials concerned about their family planning.
This was a major concern for Zhi gang's family, but Wei Hong made it clear that he would have to wait at least another five years. Although Zhigang did not want children immediately, he was dissatisfied with Wei Hong's repeated prevarication of him. But what can Wei Hong promise? After getting a Ph.D., you have to look for a job, and after you get a job, you have to live tenure (tenure), which is not a five-year thing at all.
At present, Zhigang is clamoring to return to China every day, and he says that he can't stand the days of being a "man under the man" here, and he wants to go back to china to be a "man on top". However, both of them knew in their hearts that once Zhigang returned to China, it would mean that their marriage would end.
They once shared a beautiful home, a common dream. But now, they have begun to live in two different worlds, and even sleep in separate beds.
"Is this the end of our fate?" Wei Hong asked me.
I didn't make a sound, waiting for her to reply to herself.
"I don't understand what's wrong with me wanting to read more books, do I have to trade my marriage for a Ph.D. at Harvard?" Can't we have a common family when we have our own careers? Did I study abroad to find a new emotional destination?
Wei Hong asked me angrily.
I still stared at Wei Hong, waiting for her to reply to myself.
Facing my gaze, Wei Hong was slightly embarrassed. She rolled her eyes and asked me, "Aren't you usually very talkative?" How did it get so deep today?"
"I'm seriously thinking about every question you ask, and I'd love to know what you think." I replied.
"I came to you precisely because I couldn't think clearly, and if I could think clearly myself, why did I come to you?" Wei Hong also looked directly at me.
"You mean for me to tell you what to do now?" I asked Wei Hong.
"Isn't that what you counselors are supposed to do?" Wei Hong asked me rhetorically.
"Do you think I have the ability to give you guidance?" I asked Wei Hong again.
"So how do you people who do psychological counseling help people?" Wei Hong was a little upset.
After a pause, she said, "You see, I've been talking for most of the day, but you haven't said anything good except a few words of sympathy and understanding." It's not at all like the last time you accompanied me to the airport to pick up Zhigang, talking and laughing along the way, telling me so many words of wisdom in life, which made me very inspired. I came to you this time, and I thought you would continue to enlighten me!"
Wei Hong's words represent ordinary people's misunderstanding of psychological counseling. They think that psychological counseling is just a matter of advising and guiding people. They did not think that this was actually the taboo of psychological counseling.
Thinking of this, I said to Wei Hong, "Wei Hong, I understand your mood at this moment. You wish I could tell you bluntly how to deal with zhigang. If we were talking about it on another occasion, maybe I would have been more direct. But now, we're talking about it in the counseling room, and the first principle of counseling is not to be in charge of people. Therefore, I hope to discuss more with you and do less advice. I also wish I was helping you with ideas, not for you. This is the difference between psychological counseling and general life counseling. So, I can't answer your question directly. ”
After Wei Hong listened, he first nodded, and then shook his head.
"Do you have any questions?" I asked.
"I'm not used to the way you speak now." Wei Hong said with a dry smile.
"Yes," I replied in English, "because we are not chatting casually now, we are engaged in very serious psychological exploration." ”
Then, I explained to Wei Hong some basic principles and methods of psychological counseling, and suggested that we meet six times first. In view of Wei Hong's eagerness, I promised her to arrange meetings twice a week.
Before leaving the door, Wei Hong still did not feel at ease and confessed, "You must not let Zhigang know that I have come to you, otherwise he will be too worried."
"Rest assured." I answered, pondering the meaning of her words.
unscramble:
The content of this chapter should be the beginning of the contradiction between Wei Hong and Zhigang, exposing several aspects of the problem:
1. Career and marriage are more important. Can you find a balance between marriage and career balance?
2. Fertility problems. Chinese pay attention to the succession of generations, in fact, foreigners are the same, or the world's population can increase. However, whether the birth of a child will affect the development of the career, of course, it is not necessarily. But in the case of Wei Hong, studying for a doctorate, holding a big belly to go to class? However, in the hearts of the elderly, only with children can we be considered a real family, and can we maintain marriage and family.
3. Zhigang's problem is that the world is still a problem of environmental adaptation, or he is not willing to live in the United States at all. This is what the saying goes, what leaves bloom and what flowers! Moreover, "being in Cao Ying's heart is in Han", it is strange that there is no accident. Therefore, the contradiction between Wei Hong and Zhigang is not surprising.
Fortunately, Wei Hong still cherishes the marriage with Zhigang, and the emotional foundation is still good, otherwise he would not have been in a hurry to find a psychological counselor to make ideas. Of course, the author's principle is still very strong, not generally strong. Good friends have to follow the rules.
Contradictions cannot be hidden, "dodging the first one can not hide from the fifteenth"! But in fact, I think that to solve the contradiction and conflict between Wei Hong and Zhigang, Wei Hong's self-consciousness needs to be awakened. And we'll listen to the next breakdown!
November 27, 2021 #Counselor said #