發黴啦：今天，牛排化凍後有些血水滴到了冰箱下面

氣候變化

今天，牛排化凍後有些血水滴到了冰箱下面，但我沒瞅見。巨熱的一天過去後，現在整個房子聞起來都像是來了大姨媽。FML

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

多核運作

今天，我幫朋友遛狗的時候，瞅見了一個小女孩騎自行車摔倒了。于是我就松開了手裡的狗繩，去幫小女孩。小女孩沒有受傷，可狗狗跑到了路中間被車撞了。FML

Today, while I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, I watched as a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was OK but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

好好選啊

今天，男朋友對紙牌魔術的癡迷達到了一個新極點。我正拉着屎，他突然沖進廁所讓我選一張牌。FML

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

習慣使然

今天，我所在的地區遭遇了大規模雷暴天氣。我們全家的第一反應便是趕緊去到奶奶家，確定她安然無恙。因為她一個人住，又體弱多病的。等我們收拾好準備出門時，才突然意識到一個殘忍的事實：她已經去世了。 FML

Today, there was a massive thunderstorm in my area. My first instinct - as well as my parents' - was to go to my sickly grandma's house and make sure she was okay, as she lives alone. As we prepared to step outside, we all remembered a rather crucial detail: My grandma is dead. FML

擱淺

今天，我鑰匙被反鎖在車裡了。找了好幾個小時的備用鑰匙也沒找到，于是我們就打電話給保險公司求助，然後他們派了一位“鎖匠”來幫忙。這哥們帶了個楔子還有把撬棍，把我倆車門的把手都撬掉了也沒打開鎖。我的鑰匙還在車裡。FML

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

有點不對勁

今天，我男朋友通知我，由于他的一個項目是和女同學一起做的，早上又要和她一起搭車，是以女同學要在他家過夜了。FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML

下流套路

今天，在一場混合家系的橄榄球比賽上，我爸不擇手段的朝我噴垃圾話，說我是“天殺的車禍現場”，不停地身材羞辱我，為的就是讓我破防的足夠久，好讓他們的隊伍能借機得分。FML

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

救護車可真貴

今天，我羊水破了，給老公打電話他沒接。給妹妹打電話讓她開車送我去醫院，結果丫說給她1000刀才送。我不得不打了911，在衛生間裡等着的時候差點生了出來。FML

Today, I went into labor, and my husband wasn't answering his phone. I called my sister to ask her to drive me to the hospital but she said she'd only do it if I paid her $1000. I had to dial 911, and almost gave birth in my bathroom in process. FML

永久文身

今天，我紋了人生的第一個紋身。圖案是一把巨大的闊劍，整把劍是沿着我的脊椎紋的，劍尖正好到尾巴骨。在我回家炫耀時才發現，衣服把劍身遮住後，後脖子上的劍柄看起來就像是根兒丁日。FML

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off, only to learn that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

報應

今天，我發現一輛SUV的油箱蓋沒蓋好，于是就不停的按喇叭、閃遠光燈想要吸引他們的注意。沒成想他猛地一腳刹車，我車直接怼他後屁股上了。真是好人沒好報。FML

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

TOP 1%

今天，我被火速送往急診室。作為一名成年人，似乎扁桃體摘除後隻會有一個嚴重副作用——喉部出血，而且可能會有生命危險，但隻有1%的人會出現這種情況。而我就是那1%。FML

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

快說清

今天，出去和女朋友玩兒的老婆給我發來了短信，上面說：“我得把一朋友送回家，她醉成一灘爛泥了！我今兒晚上就住他這兒了哈！明兒早上再聯系你。”等等，“他”？？？。FML

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

把你們經理叫過來

今天，我打電話給汽修店，向經理投訴他們一個拖車司機老是性騷擾我。接電話的女孩突然就開始哭了，說那個司機是她老公。我被性騷擾了，我車抛錨了，我可能還終結了一段婚姻。FML

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML