Moldy: Today, some blood dripped under the refrigerator after the steak thawed

climatic change

Today, some of the blood dripped under the refrigerator after the steak thawed, but I didn't see it. After a hot day, the whole house now smells like a great aunt has arrived. FML

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

Multi-core operation

Today, when I was walking my friend's dog, I saw a little girl who fell on her bicycle. So I let go of the leash in my hand and went to help the little girl. The little girl was not injured, but the dog ran to the middle of the road and was hit by a car. FML

Today, while I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, I watched as a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was OK but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

Choose well

Today, the boyfriend's obsession with card magic has reached a new extreme. I was when he burst into the toilet and asked me to pick a card. FML

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

Habit dictates

Today, my area was hit by a massive thunderstorm. Our family's first instinct was to rush to my grandmother's house to make sure she was safe. Because she lived alone, and she was frail and sickly. When we packed up and got ready to go out, we suddenly realized a cruel truth: she had died. FML

Today, there was a massive thunderstorm in my area. My first instinct - as well as my parents' - was to go to my sickly grandma's house and make sure she was okay, as she lives alone. As we prepared to step outside, we all remembered a rather crucial detail: My grandma is dead. FML

Shallow-hsien

Today, my keys were locked in the car. After searching for hours and not finding a spare key, we called the insurance company for help, and they sent a "locksmith" to help. This guy brought a wedge and a crowbar, and he picked off the handles of both of our car doors and didn't open the lock. My keys are still in the car. FML

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

Something is wrong

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since one of his projects was done with a female classmate, and he was going to take a ride with her in the morning, the female classmate was going to spend the night at his house. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML

Dirty routines

Today, at a mixed-family football game, my dad unscrupulously trash talk at me, calling me a "car crash scene" and humiliating me in order to keep me out of the defense long enough for their team to score. FML

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

Ambulances are expensive

Today, my amniotic water broke, and when I called my husband, he didn't answer. I called my sister and asked her to drive me to the hospital, but she said that she would give her 1,000 dollars. I had to call 911 and almost gave birth while waiting in the bathroom. FML

Today, I went into labor, and my husband wasn't answering his phone. I called my sister to ask her to drive me to the hospital but she said she'd only do it if I paid her $1000. I had to dial 911, and almost gave birth in my bathroom in process. FML

Permanent tattoos

Today, I got my first tattoo. The pattern is a huge broadsword, the whole sword is patterned along my spine, and the tip of the sword is exactly to the tail bone. When I went home to show off, I realized that the hilt on the back of my neck looked like a root after my clothes covered the blade of the sword. FML

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off, only to learn that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

retribution

Today, I noticed that the fuel cap of an SUV was not properly covered, so I kept honking the horn and flashing the high beams to get their attention. Unexpectedly, he slammed the brakes, and my car directly hit him on the back butt. It's really a good person, but it's not rewarded. FML

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

TOP 1%

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. As an adult, it seems that there is only one serious side effect after tonsil removal – bleeding from the throat – and it can be life-threatening, but only 1% of people experience it. And I'm that 1%. FML

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

Speak clearly

Today, my wife, who went out to play with my girlfriend, sent me a text message saying, "I have to send a friend home, she's drunk and muddy! I'll stay with him tonight! I'll contact you tomorrow morning." "Wait," he ???。 FML

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

Call your manager

Today, I called the auto repair shop and complained to the manager that one of their tow truck drivers was sexually harassing me all the time. The girl who answered the phone suddenly started crying, saying that the driver was her husband. I was sexually harassed, my car broke down, and I probably ended a marriage. FML

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML