"The sound of rain babbling, like living by a stream. I'd rather it rain every day and think you won't come because it's raining. ”
This passage comes from the opening scene of Zhang Ailing's autobiographical novel "Little Reunion", and the "you" in this sentence is not her first husband, Hu Lancheng, but a figure unknown to the public: director Sang Arc.
Zhang Ailing has loved Sang Arc, just as she loves Hu Lancheng, and she loves him very lowly, and her humility is revealed in the opening sentence of "Little Reunion": I would rather attribute the reason for your non-coming to the rain than accept that you did not come because you did not love me enough.
Sang Arc is the middle of Zhang Ailing's three love affairs, and he is between Hu Lancheng and Lai Ya. And he and Zhang Ailing met and fell in love before she and her husband Hu Lancheng completely broke up.
In the small reunion, Zhang Ailing herself is Jiuli, Sang Arc is Yanshan, and Hu Lancheng is Shao Zhiyong.
The first intersection of Zhang Ailing and Sang Arc was just a passing shoulder, when she went backstage for the sake of writing a drama review, and at that time, he had just left the play, he was the protagonist in "Jin Bixia". They could not have imagined that the end of their lives would eventually be the same as when they first saw them: fate passing by.
Their official meeting was because Zhang Ailing's novel was adapted into a screenplay, and Zhang Ailing at that time was under various pressures because of her husband Hu Lancheng's status as a cultural traitor, and her life was very difficult, and she could only survive by drinking grapefruit juice.
The first official meeting between the two was at a discussion rally at the boss's house, where he wore a light-coloured Irish plaid tweed top that "looked surprisingly childish." Zhang Ailing is not a person who is good at communication, especially when the hall was full of people that day, she did not know anyone.
At that time, Zhang Ailing's body was full of vigilance.
The boss introduced several people to Zhang Ailing, and among these several people who were introduced, there was naturally a mulberry arc. After the introduction, Zhang Ailing sat aside, as a writer, she really did not like this occasion.
Zhang Ailing in 1947
Sang Arc saw it, smiled and sat down next to her, his movement was too large, a little exaggerated. The sensitive Zhang Ailing actually felt that he was not good, so she smiled lightly and looked away.
Sang Arc is also a delicate man, and after perceiving Zhang Ailing's unfriendly attitude towards himself, he stopped talking and sat silently with his arm.
Later, seeing that Sang Arc had been sitting next to him, Zhang Ailing wanted to tell him everything about her first meeting, but because he looked too restrained, the two did not say anything in the end. Zhang Ailing thought, "There is no dialogue to read, you have to not open your mouth." In "Little Reunion", she said of this passage: "His silence shocked me. ”
It was only when they met for the third time three months later that she and he finally spoke.
The third intersection was when Sang Arc took the initiative to visit her for the adaptation of the script, and in order not to be particularly abrupt, he also brought another person with him.
But even if they avoided suspicion in this way, it was not long before the two still sat in each other's arms. Obviously, the love between the two is more or less "because of the drama". Their first launch of "No Love" became a hit, and it was also popular.
This year, it was 1947, when Zhang Ailing was 27 years old and Sang Arc was 31 years old.
With the popularity of the movie, both of them have become public figures, and their every move, every word and deed will be exposed in the spotlight at any time. Think about it, one is a director, the other is a screenwriter and writer.
Sang Arc and Zhang Ailing only interacted carefully, their relationship was not so clear, they could not be clear, you know: although Hu Lancheng went to the small city to hide and had a new love, their marriage relationship was still alive.
In the final analysis, it is Zhang Ailing who has not yet made up her mind to leave Hu Lancheng. Zhang Ailing later wrote a letter to Hu Lancheng, which was largely related to Sang Arc.
Sang Arc is four years older than Zhang Ailing, but emotionally, he is sometimes like a full big boy. After being with Zhang Ailing, he once asked stupidly: "Oh, are you a good person or a bad person?" Zhang Ailing laughed and said:
"It's like watching a movie when I was a kid and seeing a guy on the scene and quickly asking, 'Is this a good guy or a bad guy?' ”
Zhang Ailing knew that Sang Arc was asking about her relationship with Hu Lancheng, who was characterized as a "cultural traitor", and although Sang Arc had heard some of it at that time, he had never heard anything from her mouth after all, so he always wanted to know something.
Zhang Ailing is sometimes very smart, and she obviously doesn't want Sang Arc to know too much about their past, so she doesn't answer anything anymore. That day, Sang Arc hugged her as she sat and muttered, "You're like a cat, this cat is big." When Sang Arc said this, he was a little disappointed that he couldn't read her.
Sang Arc still refused to give up, he wanted her to give him a definite answer, so he smiled and asked, "Oh, are you a good person or a bad person?" ”
Zhang Ailing saw that Sang Arc was so desperate to chase and had to smile: "Of course I think I am a good person." However, when Zhang Ailing saw the sudden hopeful light in his eyes, she couldn't help but frown in her heart.
After that, they still went to the movies together and still hugged each other often, but after that "good guy and bad guy" question, Zhang Ailing felt more or less ashamed of Sang Arc in her heart.
In the world of love, once a person begins to feel ashamed of one party, she probably loves that "party" more.
Zhang Ailing really loved Sang Arc more, and when she thought of Hu Lancheng at this time, she only felt suffocated and did not want to think about it. The end of her imagination was nothing more than fleeing to a remote town and hiding. But when she thought of Sang Arc, she unconsciously followed the dream.
In the dream, Zhang Ailing said: "I want to have another small house, except for him, don't tell anyone, I go there like work during the day, and go back at night, even if they all come."
Zhang Ailing's "they" here refers to Sang Arc's big brother. From this passage, it can be seen that Zhang Ailing is ready to perfunctory relatives and friends, for ordinary people, perfunctory relatives and friends of their men is very common, but for Zhang Ailing, who does not like to communicate, this is a sacrifice caused by love.
Just when Zhang Ailing was dreaming, Hu Lancheng came to her. Zhang Ailing's visit to Hu Lancheng did not seem so enthusiastic, and she had no expectations for him.
When they met at the door, he praised her "you are so beautiful", but Zhang Ailing only smiled as if she did not hear. Hu Lancheng reacted to Zhang Ailing's unresponsiveness.
Hu Lancheng sat down in the guest room, Zhang Ailing made him tea, and the phone rang. When answering the phone, Zhang Ailing left a god and did not close the door casually, the phone was called by Sang Arc. At that moment, Zhang Ailing suddenly felt a rumbling in her ears, like the noise of a flood of two clusters of planets passing by.
Zhang Ailing was obviously a little torn on the phone, on the one hand, her husband Hu Lancheng, who had not yet been clearly broken, and on the other hand, she was now loved, how could she pretend to be indifferent.
Sang Arc felt Zhang Ailing's strangeness, he was a little unhappy, but he was interesting, so he only said "nothing to talk about another day" and hung up the phone.
When Zhang Ailing hung up the phone and returned to the guest room, Hu Lancheng paced back and forth restlessly in the room, and he said with some jealousy: "Your voice in Shanghainese is very feminine." ”
Hu Lancheng obviously wanted to ask who was on the other end of the phone and what the relationship was with her. But Zhang Ailing did not want to take the stubble, she only said: "I only learned to speak Shanghainese when I arrived in Hong Kong, because there are Shanghainese in the dormitory, and I can't explain how I have been living in Shanghai and can't speak Shanghainese." ”
Hu Lancheng did not continue to ask questions, in fact, he was not qualified to ask questions, after all, he had cheated countless times during the existence of the marriage between the two. The most powerful time, Zhang Ailing traveled thousands of miles to find him, but he settled her in a hotel and mixed with a good woman as usual.
The first on the left is Hu Lancheng
This time, Hu Lancheng brought a new love, he still talked about the woman with Zhang Ailing, and he even handed the woman's small photo to Zhang Ailing and said: "This is a well-off."
Zhang Ailing took a look at the woman in the photo: "Round cheeks, a pair of crooked smiling eyes, a little hanging eye tips." Wear a cheongsam, full chest, hair is not long, curled inwards. ”
Zhang Ailing just took it in her hand and stared at it, and when she looked up, she found Hu Lancheng's shocked face, and she couldn't help but sneer in her heart: "When I am like the wives of those acquaintances you talked about, will I tear it off?" In order to avoid his worries, she smiled and handed the small photo to Hu Lancheng.
That day, when Zhang Ailing sat down next to Hu Lancheng, she said, "I was really in pain and almost died. Hu Lancheng looked at Zhang Ailing strongly, he wanted to hear her say why she was not in pain now, but she did not say.
Zhang Ailing changed, she became less concerned about Hu Lancheng, and she couldn't even sit too close to him for too long. That night, Zhang Ailing gave her aunt's bedroom to Hu Lancheng and slept in another place.
The next day, Hu Lancheng pushed her to wake her up, and she suddenly wrapped her arms around his neck, but she clearly saw his strange smile, and she quickly lowered her arms and sat up. Later, in her autobiography, she said: "Our past is like the Great Wall, rolling on the horizon. But the Great Wall is useless in modern times. ”
The implication of this sentence is that she and he have only the past, no present and no future.
Hu Lancheng only returned to God after he returned, and he realized that Zhang Ailing's attitude towards himself had changed, and she didn't seem to love him anymore. After that, he was busy writing several letters to Zhang Ailing in succession, in which he said: "I am very sad that you don't kiss me." Two people want to be good, did not think of making an oath, but I want to tell you now, I will always love you. ”
Zhang Ailing's reply was surprisingly brief, but she still remitted the money from the sale of the film script to Hu Lancheng.
Sang Arc and Zhang Ailing collaborated on the work
Later, Zhang Ailing took the initiative to tell Sang Arc the news that Hu Lancheng had come, and Sang Arc listened to her all the way and asked with some jealousy: "He seems to have a great ability to dominate you." ”
Zhang Ailing listened and said, "The last time he came, he felt completely different, and he didn't even hold his hand." ”
Sang Arc suddenly said loudly, "Not a single hair of sweat can let him touch it." Zhang Ailing felt a little funny when she heard it, but she was very touched in her heart.
After a few days, Zhang Ailing showed Sang Arc the letter she wrote to Hu Lancheng, and when she gave it, in order to avoid that Sang Arc felt that she was responsible for him, she also deliberately said: "I don't show you, it has nothing to do with you, I will write the letter a long time ago." ”
Sang Arc took a look at it, only to see that the breakup letter read:
"I don't like you anymore. You don't like me anymore. This time I have been thinking about this decision for a long time for a year and a half, but I do not want to increase your difficulties with a small auspicious reason. I'm not for you women, but because there will never be happiness with you. Don't come to me, even if you write a letter, I won't look at it. ”
Zhang Ailing and Sang Arc
Originally, when writing "I am not because of those women because of you", Zhang Ailing also wanted to add a sentence "Without them there will be others, I can't be the enemy of half a human", because she felt that this sentence was like an angry word but not serious enough, she did not write it.
Sang Arc sneered a little uncomfortably after reading it, "It was originally for jealousy." When he said this, he wanted to hear Zhang Ailing explain to himself a few words, but she didn't say anything.
Zhang Ailing and Hu Lancheng still fell in love with Sang Arc after completely breaking up, but their relationship was still not made public, and not making the relationship public was actually a common choice for both parties.
On the one hand, Zhang Ailing herself is afraid of the Mulberry Arc, she has been scolded for several years by the traitor Hu Lancheng, her reputation is not good, and the public love affair is bound to involve the Mulberry Arc; on the other hand, the Sang Arc herself is also afraid that the two love affairs will have an adverse impact on Zhang Ailing after the love affair is made public, you know, people at that time scolded Zhang Ailing for several years, and they are worried that they can't find a new "scolding material".
The two only silently guarded this relationship, Zhang Ailing was cautious, and Sang Arc was also cautious.
Zhang Ailing does not wear makeup on weekdays, only occasionally put on lipstick, but after being with Sang Arc, because of Sang Arc's words, she actually learned to put on makeup.
From this detail, it can be seen that Zhang Ailing cares a lot about Sang Arc. Once Zhang Ailing watched a movie with Sang Arc again, when she came out of the movie theater, she found his face very ugly, and she later thought" because "it should be that my face is oily".
The party that suffers from gain and loss has always been easy to lose, and the same is true in the love affair between Zhang Ailing and Sang Arc.
After Zhang Ailing completely fell in love with Sang Arc, she often had a lot of small emotions that could not be explained, and she became very crying.
Once, when the two were alone, Zhang Ailing kept crying, and Sang Arc saw the pain and said, "I am really uncomfortable that you shed tears like this." Zhang Ailing listened and only looked at him and said, "No one will like you like you like me." Sang Arc listened and replied softly, "I know."
But Zhang Ailing turned around and said, "I'm just because of your face." Sang Arc listened to this strange word and walked to the mirror to look at it, and pushed his hair back curiously.
The first on the right is the elderly mulberry arc
Sang Arc did not know, Zhang Ailing said this, is afraid that Sang Arc knows that she loves him so much. Zhang Ailing was so clear and tall, she couldn't let Sang Arc know that she loved him so deeply. If he had known, he might have been overwhelmed.
In this relationship, the reason why Zhang Ailing is so sensitive and vulnerable is because she has low self-esteem, and she feels that she is not worthy of Sang Arc.
From the perspective of that time, Sang Arc's personal conditions were indeed better than Zhang Ailing's: he was born well, and he was a famous director and an actor. In terms of appearance and temperament, he also belongs to the top of the list. On the other hand, Zhang Ailing, she was once married, her reputation was not good, and she could only barely be considered medium in appearance.
In such a contrast, Zhang Ailing naturally has to be inferior. Moreover, the "Xi Shi Eye" when she was in love made her magnify his advantages.
Zhang Ailing thought she was pregnant after two months of menstruation, and she told Sang Arc about the menstrual period. Sang Arc also thought she was pregnant, so he said, "That's nothing, just announce..."
Zhang Ailing was sad when she heard this, and she suddenly felt that her future was very bleak, so she said in tears: "I think our beginning is too miserable." ”
Sang Arc listened busily and said, "This is nothing. ”
After that, Sang Arc asked zhang Ailing to check with an obstetrician, and the result of the examination was that she was not pregnant, but her cervix was broken. In other words, Zhang Ailing's failure to menstruate was all due to uterine injuries during the previous induction of labor.
This incident caused Zhang Ailing's self-esteem to be greatly hurt, and she was as embarrassed as if she had been stripped of all her clothes. The doctor invited by Sang Arc to see Zhang Ailing has been holding a straight face, a posture of please don't ask more, and Zhang Ailing feels even more embarrassed.
Zhang Ailing knew that the female doctor would tell Sang Arc about her situation, which meant that she had to tell him the truth. After saying that, she felt that Sang Arc would see herself as a "broken flower" from now on, so her heart was even more uncomfortable.
In fact, Sang Arc did not react to all this, he only listened expressionlessly, and did not ask a word.
Since Zhang Ailing was not pregnant, the two naturally did not mention the matter of public love. After this, the two people who seemed to have their own hearts slowly drifted apart. During that time, Sang Arc had obviously lost a lot of weight, and although she saw the pain, she didn't ask much.
The year the two gradually cooled down was 1950, when Zhang Ailing was 30 years old and Sang Arc was 34 years old. At this time, three years have passed since they first fell in love.
Later, Zhang Ailing learned the news that Sang Arc was going to get married. His marriage partner was a very beautiful actress, and Zhang Ailing saw him in fashion and asked casually: "When are you going to get married?" Sang Arc laughed and said, "I am already married." ”
After only this gentle sentence, Zhang Ailing's face changed, and later she said in her memory that she learned of this sudden news: "Immediately it was like a river flowing between them." ”
Sang Arc also changed his face, and he seemed to hear the sound of the river.
Later, Zhang Ailing once saw a photo of Sang Arc and his wife published in the tabloid, and the report was: "Sang Arc Xue Yan Qiu Xiao couple came to the newspaper to visit the newspaper twice."
Sang Arc guessed that Zhang Ailing would be very excited to see this news, so the trustee said: In the future, they are not allowed to publish their private lives.
Zhang Ailing was really stimulated to see it, and she wrote about seeing the photos of the two people:
His head was nestled on the woman's chest, and I looked down from behind the woman's shoulder, and the angle was like looking at myself. The triangular breasts were held in his hands, like a small red-beaked bird, and the bird's heart was beating. He sucked on its red mouth, and his black mirror-like eyes were covered with a layer of red mist. ”
Zhang Ailing's heart ached as if it had been burned by a fiery fire.
It was also from this time that Zhang Ailing realized so accurately that the man did not belong to her at all.
Mulberry arc and poplar, etc
Later, when I accidentally heard someone say that "Sang Arc has recently gained some weight", Zhang Ailing's heart was like being stabbed. This sentence here in the sensitive Zhang Ailing undoubtedly means that he is now living happily. Which woman who broke up would like to hear such news.
The longer it went on, the more afraid she became to hear from him, so she began to deliberately avoid those who were related to him. But there is no way, even if she is trying to avoid being touched by the wound, "Pain" will take the initiative to find her.
Once, Zhang Ailing took her girlfriend to dinner with a Mr. Niu, and after eating, Mr. Niu said to her girlfriend: "Can I see you again this year?" After hearing this sentence by chance, Zhang Ailing was shaken.
On the way home, Zhang Ailing had been thinking about Sang Arc, she covered her mouth with a red veil, and she could even remember the situation when he sat in a rickshaw and covered his mouth with a scarf. But those were clearly just what she had heard him mention by chance.
After breaking up with Sang Arc, Zhang Ailing never thought of Hu Lancheng again.
Later, when she saw His work that Hu Lancheng sent to her, she couldn't appreciate it either, she said: "The work is a strange cavity that he began to perceive in the long letters from the countryside, and he laughed when he saw 'it is also good'." ”
In 1951, the year of Sang Arc's marriage, Zhang Ailing published the novel "Eighteen Springs" under the pseudonym "Liang Jing", which was later famous in China and abroad. This is Zhang Ailing's rare publication under a pen name, and no one knows why she is like this.
This novel is a tragic story, the hero and heroine missed because of many factors of reality, and reuniting after 14 years is a thing.
In 1952, the second year of Sang Arc's marriage. Zhang Ailing went to the United States alone. This choice is quite a bit of the meaning of "abandoning relatives and friends". For the rest of her life, she and Mulberry Arc never saw each other again!
Regarding Sang Arc, Zhang Ailing once commented in her autobiography "Little Reunion": "She never regretted the matter of Sang Arc, because she was fortunate to have him at that time. ”
Zhang Ailing's love affair with Sang Arc was finally as she said: "We once fell in love, and it was sad to think of it." ”
Unlike Hu Lancheng, after separating from Zhang Ailing, Hu Lancheng has been showing off their love affair everywhere, while Sang Arc never mentions the past with her. Some people say that only such a mulberry arc is worthy of Zhang Ailing's deep affection.
Sang Arc has actually always loved Zhang Ailing, but some feelings are really like what is said in "Half Life": "After all, I can't go back."