When people reach middle age and have seen too many old and old diseases, I find that my heart has gradually become less fragile. But every time I encounter it, I will always be sad, thinking of the infinite sunset and not much life, I will always be inexplicably uncomfortable for a few days.
Breast cancer, cervical cancer, liver cancer, pancreatic cancer, is the most heard of diseases in recent years, our age, there are bound to be old people, relatives and friends, colleagues and classmates, one after another, let me sigh very emotionally, the little half of life has gone through, really not afraid of s, but dare not s, do not dare to get sick.
Fall, who can shoulder the responsibility for me, I really dare not think, can only pray for health forever, elderly parents, underage children, which can not leave me.
At home, without the "main heart", without the worried woman, it is really not possible, not to believe in their partners, not to believe that there is truth in the world, but we dare not expect others to pay wholeheartedly.
The reason why there are so many feelings stems from a "goodbye" at the beginning of the year, which was my bare-ass grown-up partner, although it is unsightly to describe, but it is indeed a particularly close relationship.
Her name is Anxin, a cheerful woman, she is the only daughter in the family, her life can be said to be smooth, study, work, marriage, have children, everything is incomparable to our former friends.
Her parents are working in public institutions, family conditions are naturally superior to those of us working-class children, she has been pampered since childhood, often with new clothes to wear, beautiful toys, snacks that have not been seen, she always shares with us.
When we grew up, a few of us also agreed, and we were busy on weekdays, but the birthday must be a party, but last year's birthday she missed the appointment, the phone was turned off, the door was locked, and her parents were still in Hainan for the elderly.
People who can't find her, they think of her husband, who knows a sentence does not know to hang up the phone, make me confused, a big living person can not disappear it, and finally found the unit, the result makes me dare not believe, want to ask again, but to hear people's alas words, doomed to be not so simple things.
I thought of the hospital, the first time to contact my friend, did not expect that peace of mind is indeed in their hospital, she actually got the last thing I want to hear about - breast cancer.
Such a proud woman, this is almost her life, she wants to be strong, she wants face, she is not willing to tell anyone, including her broken marriage, she has never told me.
Only then did I wonder if I was her so-called girlfriend, and that it was really far-fetched for us to say anything about such a big thing that she had hidden from me for so long.
There was no sign of her sadness and exhaustion in her face, and we saw only happiness without paying attention to the grief behind her. When she learned she was sick, she sent her son to boarding school.
The husband who is always "busy" working, even the feet are rarely "stained", anxin told me, since the husband changed his career to do the project, socializing continuously, temper is good, not to think that this is the suspicion.
For the sake of the child, she is also unwilling to argue with him, want to go home, do not return to pull down, just like this two years of peaceful days, who knows that her husband found a college student in school, peace of mind can not accept at once, saying that he is a scourge.
Unexpectedly, they got a tearing beating, and since then, their relationship has completely deteriorated, and the husband and wife after tearing their faces are nothing more than their own management, and the husband who has been deadlocked for a long time has filed for divorce.
But Anxin did not agree, so strong she had to consume him, and finally did not break up others, but got herself into the hospital, in fact, two years ago Anxin found the lesion, then the doctor suggested that she remove.
But she still had illusions, did not want to lose what she thought was the most precious thing, and had been conservatively treated, and the flowery man repeatedly blocked the door of the unit to embarrass her, endlessly pestering, trying to make her let go.
She looked at him angrily and said that unless she was gone, she didn't expect that this word had really come true, and before long, Anxin's condition had deteriorated, and this time she had no choice but to be admitted to the hospital, and she asked the doctor to operate on her immediately.
But the odds were slim, she cried and begged the doctor to cure her, she didn't want to go like this, she didn't want to cheapen the man who had no conscience, she didn't want to leave the child, she didn't want to leave the parents.
When I went to the hospital to see her, I deliberately wore very plain clothes, plain face to the sky, I was afraid that she looked sad. I know she loves flowers and loves that vibrancy of vitality.
I bought a bouquet of flowers she liked, stepped on the half-high heel and went to the ward, she saw that I subconsciously touched my head, I grabbed her hand and looked at her painfully.
I blamed myself for my carelessness, in fact, she was wearing a realistic wig at our previous gathering, and I didn't even see it, thinking it was her real hairstyle, she didn't cry.
Not as fragile as I thought, she was sorry to hide my truth, I knew that she wanted face, from childhood, especially when she became a mother, I knew that she had a weak heart under her strong appearance.
The ward is very quiet, peace of mind does not want to let people disturb, deliberately chose the single room, she said that when she is fine, she will read books, for many years without reading, every day around the family, around the children, worry about the elderly, worry about children, and even worry about her conscienceless husband.
In the end, there was nothing to keep, and I comforted her that everything would be fine, she said that she knew that time was running out, but she also wanted to fight, did not want to leave regrets in life.
That day, I also turned off my mobile phone, accompanied her for a day, just looked at her quietly, she told me all her experiences over the years, her unwillingness, her grievances, her self-blame, her gains and losses.
Even speaking of the fear of her passing, I gently hugged her and told her no, and she smiled faintly.
In order not to worry, she said that she would adjust to the state, for the sake of the children, for the sake of the parents, she also had to live bravely. I saw tears in her eyes.
Out of the hospital room, I rushed to her husband's company, and the man with the legs of Erlang was still watching the ball game and drinking beer, and he saw me angrily entering, blindly thinking that it would be okay.
He knew my violent temper, he subconsciously lowered his legs, and smiled and said without smiling: "Yo, which gust of wind blew you this big beautiful woman", I saw him and he was angry.
"You still have a face to talk to, you are still not a man, you were at ease when you fell, you did not dislike you, and now that you are developed, you will start to be suspicious, be careful of retribution", he listened to my words and was angry at once.
"We don't care less about our family's affairs, you know a fart", I grabbed a beer bottle, he suddenly flashed away, let me not be excited, there is something to say, can I not be excited: "You go to the hospital to see it"!
Although I want to keep a secret for Anxin, I know that Anxin's heart still loves her husband deeply, she is just cheeky and unwilling to be soft, no matter what the result is, I always hope that in the last days, I can let them stay a little longer, maybe love will make miracles happen.
"Hospital? Who's sick? "He was as confused as I was, and it could only show that their marriage really wasn't a day or two with problems, and that there had been a big problem a long time ago, so that they couldn't understand the physical condition of an at ease."
I saw his nervousness, his face suddenly turned white, there was no peace of mind imaginary joy, no peace of mind imaginary schadenfreude, it seemed that this man still had salvation, he stepped on his shoes, did not care about getting dressed, and went downstairs one by one.
Looking at his hurried background, my heart rolled over, if I had been so attentive earlier, if I hadn't been outside, if I hadn't quarreled with Anxin, if I hadn't gone to the unit to make a fuss, maybe Anxin wouldn't have had breast cancer.
But there are so many ifs in life, that day my heart was heavy and broken, I didn't know how to put my sad emotions, when I came home, I threw myself into my husband's arms and cried fiercely.
Confused him: "What are you uncomfortable with?" Are you being bullied at your workplace? You lost money? "He really can think of anything, cry enough, I told him Aboutance's condition, and my husband was also shocked, because he knew that Anxin was an optimist."
For the peace of mind of the encounter we are really sighing, envious work, happy marriage, but who knows that living has become like this, but also put their own health into it, my husband made me less angry in the future, saying that he will never provoke me in the future.
It is really angry and hurtful, it is good to vent it, I am afraid of the infinite scenery on the surface like Anxin, bury all the grievances, all the anger, all the pain in my heart, and quietly digest it myself.
This is the most terrible, but also the most undesirable, we really can't afford to hurt at this age, after today's Spring Festival, Anxin has been very weak, her parents learned of her condition, and also flew back from Hainan.
His husband still had a conscience, and since that visit to the hospital, he had been standing by her side, slapping himself with regret, holding his hand in pain, and talking about his own.
If you realize the reluctance of both sides earlier, not so hard, maybe life is a different scenery, but life has so many wishes, this spring, a season of warm spring blossoms, peace of mind or gone.
She smiled and left, but I knew the reluctance in her heart, the unsteadiness in her heart, because her elderly parents, her underage sons, would all look to the man who had hurt her.
Everything can only be like this, the road ahead is still very long, the kind of pain of the white-haired person sending the black-haired person, I really dare not look at it, I dare not go to comfort. It was very painful, her mother cried several times and fainted, she blamed herself and did not care about her daughter.
Everything seemed to return to calm, but my heart was undulating, because I knew that our bodies were not up to us, and the age of forty really made me very sentimental, and the friends who had passed away, the relatives who had left, none of them did not let me move, but I really could not keep them.
That day, a colleague in the unit gave birth to a child, and I went to the hospital to visit and look at the little new life in the baby room. I looked at their little pink, soft, hopeful faces, like the rising sun, warm and bright, and my heart was full of joy.
The reincarnation of life may lie in our cherishing of life, cherishing every day when we are alive, treating ourselves well, there is really not so much waiting, some are just our infinite attachment to life. Don't let yourself leave with regret, don't let yourself struggle in years that shouldn't be painful.
I sometimes think how nice it would be if people went from birth to adulthood, then grew old, and ended up with nothing to lose. But there is an abominable thing called cancer, which always threatens people's health all the time and mixes up our happy and peaceful life.
Since I was relieved to go, my heart was also "shocked", and I would often inexplicably get up in the middle of the night and walk around for half a day, and I didn't know what I wanted to do?
Sometimes I impulsively want to quit my job and go to a city I like, such as Beihai, such as Dali, such as Qingdao, I hope that the day I leave, it will be drizzling, and the air is filled with the smell of flowers and grass.
Over forty years old, my heart is still full of romance, full of vision of a better life, but life is so plain, pots and pans have knocked out beautiful notes, and I am no longer the bird that flies freely, and the responsibility I carry on my body makes me unable to lift my brisk steps.
If one day I leave this world like peace of mind, I hope that I will leave quietly and without concern, and I hope that my children will not be sad and remember me. I hope my lover does not shed tears, if there is a chance, the next life will hold hands.
Thinking and thinking, tears actually blurred my eyes, thinking too much, nothing more than not wanting to leave this world, if I have the right to choose, let this day never come, if I must come, but also come later and later, let me raise my children, send my parents away, read the books I should read, do everything I want to do...
A very sad story, let me read it can not help but feel very sad, everyone will go, the length of life is limited, and its width is infinitely long.
Our pain comes from the fact that we only see the length and ignore its width, and love ourselves well in the days of life, love our families well, enjoy the sweet time with our lovers, and enjoy the joy of life with our children.
Nothing is impossible, when cancer comes, we are really helpless, when we are young, we are not afraid of heaven, with the increase of age, kj hit the heart again and again, really not afraid of death, but afraid of losing too much, afraid that the responsibility on our shoulders no one can carry.
Life will go on, the rest of my life is precious, and I want the rest of my life to be meaningful every second of every day.
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