Original | Wei Xiang (Simple Psychological Certification, Psychological Counselor)
Recently, I have been watching "Beijing Women's Picture Book", and the emotional experience of the protagonist Chen Ke along the way is a main line of this drama. After eleven boyfriends, did she finally grow old with her doctor boyfriend? The emotional line in the play ends abruptly with Chen Ke's hug at the moment when the boyfriend handed her the bank card.
It seems that every man is good to her, sending warmth, sending material, sending the future, sending youth, sending stability. However, I guess the story of Chen Ke and the doctor may still be stuck in some real loneliness.
Starting from Chen Ke's story:
"Do you know what you want in love?"
The first love is called Yang Dazhi, who likes Chen Ke, but chooses to break up because of his mother's serious illness. His rhetoric was how Chen Ke could give up Beijing's future, she needed a better future. In his heart, perhaps Chen Ke was a woman who needed to run, but could not stay for him. I think he knows Chen Ke, because the subsequent experience does confirm that Chen Ke needs one new possibility after another, and it is difficult to stay.
Later, his second boyfriend, Zhang Chao, gave Chen Keding, but his vision was disgusted by Chen Ke. When it is difficult to find a third boyfriend who matches her desires, he can give Chen Ke materials, but he can't give her the marriage she expects.
The photographer gave her romance, but the others could not be given, including trust; the first husband gave her a stable marriage, but could not give her enough security in her heart, such as a house; the young post-90s gave her a youthful body, but could not give her a mature life experience... Until Chen Ke met the doctor. But even if he can give her enough trust and stability, the trivialities of life and the needs of children may still disappoint Chen Ke in his future life.
I think there should be a distinction, that is, work ability and emotional management are really two different things, even if Chen Ke seems to be super capable of working and using contacts, it is undeniable that she may be like a blank piece of paper in terms of emotions and intimate relationships, and needs to be re-learned. Every time Chen Ke is experiencing being liked and pursued like a queen, but once she enters the relationship, she is like a little girl trying to cooperate with each other, enduring until she can't stand it and chooses to leave.
Chen Ke is constantly looking for emotions, but every relationship starts with passion and ends with disappointment, which can see the process of a girl looking for emotions, but she may not know exactly what she wants? I think Chen Ke's search experience can reflect the feelings of many urban girls:
On the one hand, I hope to find someone who loves me, but on the other hand, I am also under the influence of my neighbors and parents, is it suitable for marriage to be good for myself?
Are economic conditions good enough to be together? After thirty years of age, in the face of fertility anxiety, do you find a stable "honest" man to marry quickly?
In many cases, looking for a marriage partner, more need to alleviate fear and anxiety, and other aspects, what do you really need?
Observe your own heart:
"Pursue what you want and accept what you don't"
Not only does Chen Ke not know, but perhaps many of us don't know. I observe that if the object relationship is relatively good, you can find a good relationship with yourself is more likely, and the inner object relationship is not very good, you may really need to hit the wall countless times, countless times of pain, until you are willing to stop and accuse, and look back and introspect your heart.
I have seen many girls like Chen Ke, beautiful, fashionable, high emotional intelligence, have an enviable job, but in intimate relationships here are always hit, scarred, I remember that different visitors have asked me a question: "I have a very good ability to handle relationships at work, why is it that I am not ladylike in intimate relationships?" Can you always meet all kinds of scumbags? ”
In this regard, I often say: When you are willing to understand why you are in contact with scumbags, start to reflect on what we have gained from it, and what exactly do you want to pursue? This is the beginning of jumping out of the cycle of pain.
From emphasizing the outside world to gradually observing and understanding your own inner relationship patterns, it will take a long time, and when you can't understand, you can only numb yourself through work, trying to alleviate your own incompetence frustration in intimate relationships.
This helplessness is also present in the play: Chen Ke has accumulated enough experience at work, even if she returns to the original point and starts over again and again in the relationship. However, in her emotional life, in addition to frustration, she may need to face her own need for relationships, and she does need to honestly understand her powerlessness in relationships and the gaps in her heart for what she wants.
This sense of emptiness, damaged by all intimacy. Among partners with emotional problems, one of the most popular words for women is: "How are you like this, it wasn't like this when you knew you, how did you tell me back then?" You lied to me! ”
Yeah, he wasn't as good as you think he was, he was just an ordinary person. When you see that he honestly won't slip his tongue, maybe he will never be able to coax you with sweet words; when you see him working overtime every day, it may mean that he will not run to your side when you need it; when you see him defending your rights harshly and screaming at others, it may be possible that he will also tear you up for his mother.
Yes, all people have natural flaws, and if you only want the good part and hate the other, then except for the temporary satisfaction in your fantasy world, the other relationships will basically be a chicken feather and unbearable.
It sounds cruel, but it's true: the more desperate you want at each stage, the narrower your eyes can see, and the more disappointed you really want to fit into the relationship. Your emptiness is trying to be liberated, but when you collide with the shadow of the other party, the possible result is despair.
Jungian Analytical Psychology Perspective:
"The ideal object is a projection of animus in the female mind"
I remember that in Freud's literature on sexual drive, "penis envy" is often discussed, which is crucial for women's sexual drive, in the psychological development of infants to young children, when the child's expectations for the mother are gradually disappointed, she will turn her attention to the father, but expect the father to meet not only the father's function, but also an important part of her inner disappointment in the mother, such as women's love, gentleness, care, and at the same time have the father's strength and strength.
When a girl grows up, she will put all her idealized needs into the choice of mate. For example, Chen Ke in the play, she can't distinguish what she wants, as long as she is good to her and meets her needs at this stage, she likes it, after entering the relationship, she will quickly become a well-behaved little girl from the queen, and her behavior will be closer to each other, until she finds the shadow of this person, she can only choose to leave, because this person has completed his historical mission and told Chen Ke how "unreliable" men are.
This time and again, in Chen Ke's heart, may have verified how her mother once felt, it was difficult to trust men, and most men had problems.
This inner stereotype, I don't know how many women have been passed down from generation to generation in their hearts, the mother feels hurt, gives the feeling to the daughter, the daughter is frustrated, and then continues to feel pain, continue to pass.
A little theory can be added here, and in Jungian analytical psychology theory, the masculine part of the female mind is deeply described as Animus: "Even if a woman is extremely feminine in appearance, in her heart, Animus can be a strong, ruthless brute force." One may suddenly find oneself in a state of conflict with something inside a woman, something stubborn, cold and cruel, completely inaccessible. ”[1]
One of Animes's favorite themes to repeat endlessly is: "The only thing I desire in the world is love— and he doesn't love me." [2] In the depths of a woman's life, Animus whispered, "You have no hope." What's the use of effort? Whatever you do doesn't make sense. Life is always like this, never better. ”
The animus of different women is different, but in the feeling of inner nothingness, women unconsciously have an animus requirements when choosing men, and when different men get along, they may evoke animus's mandatory requirements, and these requirements are actually inconsistent with reality. For example, how a man calls love to me, if he doesn't do it, it means that he doesn't love me at all, I need to do it to be worthy of love, if not, I don't deserve it at all, and this feeling comes from the transmission of the father's feelings.
In Chen Ke's feelings, perhaps eleven boyfriends represent the projection of her many Animus, each of whom has what she wants and what she dislikes.
Animes's views rarely seem to coincide with specific situations. Its view is more like that it is rational but unrealistic. [3] Because this feeling is so entrenched, it is difficult for us to even perceive how others represent love for themselves, what state we are satisfied with, and so on.
And all this comes from the inner animus's request, to understand his own needs is a rather painful process. To strip away which is the inner requirement and which is the real reality, through this process, gradually retract these "chaotic" but "tough" projections, we can see the truth more and more: what are our real needs? Who is the other person? In what way does he treat us, and how is he really?
Here is an example of my own observation, when I write articles, there is often a voice in my heart: "You don't have to write, it's useless to write, no one will read", I reflected on this is like my father's view of me when he was a child, "You can't learn anything, you can't do it".
Although the times have changed, I have written down in my heart what my father asked of me, and my harsh requirements for myself will have this kind of "harsh, tough", and I often think that I "should be like this". And now it seems that this is the masculine part of me, the occupation of me by Animus.
A true self-nature is achieved by experiencing suffering and understanding it again and again in the heart. Like a king who leaves the strict restraints of his heart, the king of strong authority not only binds the woman's demands on men, but also enslaves the woman herself, so that she cannot be truly liberated as an individual.
Chen Ke in the play is moving towards independence step by step in her career, and she also needs a process of self-nature in terms of emotional understanding: to collide, to be injured, to integrate, to re-understand and reflect on herself in the abyss of pain, which is the forging of gold in the soul, when the strength is generated in her own heart, this is the real development of the male power of Animus combined with her own female part.
When women succeed in defending themselves and confronting Animus, they will not let Animus devour themselves, but instead it will no longer be just a dangerous element, but will begin to become a creative force.
We women need this power, for it may seem strange, but only when this male presence becomes an integral part of our soul and performs her functions properly, it is possible for a woman to become a woman in a higher sense, while at the same time she fulfills the mission of the human individual as herself. [4]
exegesis:
[1] [2] [3] Quoted from Jung's Collected Works: Mental Growth of the Subconscious, [Switzerland] Carl Gustav Jung et al. / Zhang Yue / Translation, published by Shanghai Sanlian Bookstore.
[4] Quoted from Jung Collected Writings: Prototypes and Archetypal Imagery, [Switzerland] c.g. Jung/author, Shen Heyong/Chief Planner, Gao Lan/Editor-in-Chief, Changchun Publishing House.
Wei Xiang ✑ wrote
Lu Xianbei ✑ Edited
Wild Good Guy ✏ Cover