Literature/learning is the treasure of the body
Scott Pike gives a relatively complete definition of love in His book The Road That Few People Take: The Journey of Mental Maturity, in which he says that "love is a willingness to improve oneself in order to promote the maturity of the mind of the self and others."
He used the word "will" to emphasize its place in the emotional realm, because "will" not only embodies independent choice, but also contains the power of action.
So, what is this love that aims at the maturity of the mind?
The "Love in" trilogy (released in 1995 before dawn" (released in 1995, "Love at Sunset and Dusk" in 2004, and "Love Before Midnight" released in 2013) explains to us that the mature love of the mind is true love.
The "Love in" trilogy is three love films directed by Richard Linklater, the same director, the same protagonist, just like going on a 9-year date with a movie fan, with up to 18 years, telling us a love story from the desire to love to understand what true love is.
In my opinion, this process of finding true love is consistent with Scott Pike's emphasis on love for the purpose of mental maturity.
In today's article, I will combine the content of these three films to talk about the love of mental maturity.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >1. Passionate love is only an illusion, not true love</h1>
Scott Pike argues that we can gradually understand the nature of love by explaining what love is "not."
He believes that a man and a woman in love, especially a love affair or passionate love, is not love.
Because passionate love, which usually involves sexual desires, is instinct, is a sexual impulse, not love at all; the "love" of passionate love is difficult to last, because the beautiful honeymoon will disappear sooner or later; the "love" of passionate love, which is an illusion, is similar to the fantasy of a two-year-old child, feeling that he is a superman, that is a brief collapse of self-boundaries, and is blinded by love.
In one of the "Love In" trilogy, "Love Before the Dawn Breaks", the American young Jesse and the French girl Selena, after the first meeting, the love that arises is the love of passion.
The film is mainly about Jesse meeting Selena on the train, and the two have a good conversation. Later, Jesse invited Selena to get off the bus with him in Vienna, and Selena agreed. As the two men's contact deepened, they fell in love and spent an unforgettable night.
During this period, we experienced the feeling of seeing each other and hating each other, the warmth of our hearts, and the love of expectations and fate. Because of this unexpected encounter, Jesse and Selena not only eliminated loneliness, but also sparked love, they believed that this was not a whim of passionate love, but a destined love, so they agreed to reunite in Vienna half a year later.
Although Jesse and Selena believe that that love is not passionate love, according to Scott Pike, passionate love gives them only an illusion, feeling that they are extremely satisfied and happy in the moment, only to forget the fact that their and their lover's hearts are not perfect and need more nourishment.
Of course, according to Scott Pike's definition of love, passionate love is not real love, but we can still ignite the fire of true love that promotes the maturity of both minds under the collision of passionate love.
Just like Jesse and Selena, without this passionate love, they can't find true love for each other.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >2. Dependent love brings about mental degeneration, not true love</h1>
Scott Pike says that one of the most common misconceptions about love is to treat dependence as true love.
Here, first explain, everyone has a dependence psychology, which is normal, just like when we were young, we had to rely on our parents to survive, but if dependence exceeds a certain limit, people are controlled by dependence, that is pathological dependence, psychologists also call the psychological disorder caused by excessive dependence "negative dependence personality disorder".
Sickly dependent people often say, "I can't live without him", "What is the point of my living without him"..., these words sound like love, but are actually a parasitic relationship, they put their lives and values on others. When they find the object of dependence, they will suddenly lose the skills they once had, such as suddenly not being able to drive, or passively waiting for love psychologically, and they are unwilling to take action and dare not choose to believe in love again.
Selena in the second part of the "Love In" trilogy, "Love at Sunset and Dusk", is the love that has developed a deep dependence on Jesse.
The film focuses on Jesse, who became a best-selling author nine years later, reunited with Selena in Paris for his novel. After the reunion, they are like old friends, there are still endless topics, but the hearts of both people are attached to each other, especially Selena has a deep sense of dependence on Jesse, and they are dissatisfied with real life: Selena does not have the courage to enter a deep relationship, and the married Jesse cannot find the happiness of marriage, so the two are faced with the choice of whether to continue to endure the present or continue the frontier.
Selena was buried by her grandmother and could not meet at the agreed time and place between the two, so that she felt that she had missed the best love, because she believed that her love for Jesse could not be replaced, and she could no longer have that feeling of spiritual connection with other boys, or from the bottom of her heart, so her love life has not been smooth.
In fact, this "obsessive" love is the love of dependence, and she feels that only Jesse can make herself happy, but such a thought is wrong, because the sense of dependence controls her.
Scott Pike also emphasizes that excessive dependence may make us strongly close to someone, and on the surface we and the other person love each other deeply, but in reality, excessive dependence and love are very different. This intense sense of dependence is mostly due to some related experiences in childhood. Like Selena, who is afraid of flying and often feels that she will die at any moment, these thoughts can lead her to rely too much on others emotionally.
It can be seen that the love of dependence will make a person's mind degenerate, and it is not real love.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >3. Sacrificial love loses itself, not true love</h1>
In addition to the fact that passionate love and dependent love are not true love, Scott Pike also emphasizes another misunderstanding of love, namely sacrificial love.
Sacrificial love has a common feature, that is, the giver uses "love" as a guise, just wants to meet their own needs, but never takes the other person's mental maturity seriously.
That is, unreasonable giving and destructive nourishment are not true love.
In the third part of the "Love in" trilogy, "Love Before Midnight", Selena sacrifices too much in her married life, and then loses herself, so she begins to complain, and this sacrificial love is not true love.
The film mainly tells the story of another 9 years later, Jesse and Selena have lived together and have twin daughters. On their last day of vacation on the southern island of the Peloponnese in Greece, the two had a big fight. The cause was Jesse's son Henry. When Jesse and Selena discuss how to give Henry a more stable life, Selena begins to complain about her efforts and sacrifices for the family, and Jesse, while comforting Selena, also tells what kind of love is true love.
Selena was originally an independent, dreamy, and loving woman, but when she was with Jesse, especially after having a daughter, her time was occupied by taking care of her children and family, and she lacked her own space and freedom, so she accused Jesse of being selfish and "great".
This "great" sense of self-sacrifice is a very dangerous thing in intimate relationships.
In fact, Selena's sacrifice is her own choice, because she can work less hard, can let Jesse help take care of the children, can take time to do what she wants to do, but this sense of sacrifice gives her a sense of superiority in front of Jesse, and becomes a means to control Jesse.
When the two argue about Selena slamming the door and leaving, Jesse goes out to look for her, at which point Jesse says what true love is.
He said: "You are like a little girl who wants everyone around you to live in a fairy tale. I'm here to save it, okay? I tell you I love you unconditionally, I tell you you're beautiful, I tell you your ass is still 80 years old, I try to make you laugh, I put up with a lot of your stinky temper. If you think I'm a dog and always come back to you, you're wrong. But if you want true love, that's love, that's life, imperfect but very real. ”
Through this passage we see that true life is not a fairytale world, because it is imperfect; true love is not blind obedience, but makes each other's minds mature.
From this point of view, Jesse shows Selena the real married life and the real love, which is the love of mental maturity.
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" >4. True love is the driving force for mental maturity</h1>
From the perspective of human self-improvement, Scott Pike emphasizes that the motivation and purpose of love are inseparable from mental maturity.
Earlier we also analyzed that passionate love, dependent love, and sacrificial love are not true love, only love that promotes mental maturity is true love.
The "Love in" trilogy outlines to a certain extent how a couple of lovers gradually mature in the process of longing to love and be loved, which is also the process of finding true love.
First, learn to listen.
Scott Pike says that the most important form of love is attention, and the most common and important way to embody attention is to listen.
We see that these three films are all told in the form of human dialogue, and the two protagonists either walk in a quiet village, or sit leisurely on the terrace or at the dinner table, constantly discussing literature, love, life, gender and other topics, and the relaxed conversation needs to be listened to.
I am willing to listen to what you say, and you are willing to listen to what I say, so that you can know each other better, and true love is based on mutual understanding. Because only by knowing each other well enough can we promote each other's mental maturity.
Second, learn to deal with conflict.
Scott Pike says one of the biggest risks of love is conflict. Because conflict can have negative results and affect each other's feelings.
In the third part of the "Love in" trilogy, "Love Before Midnight", Jesse and Selena are confronted with a constant quarrel. Jesse wants to grow up with his son Henry, but Selena does not want to live in the United States, which leads to a disagreement, which eventually leads to the two of them losing control of their emotions.
The best way to deal with conflict is to be diligent in introspection. Because introspection helps us to confirm whether our point of view is valuable.
In dealing with conflict, Jesse wants Selena to do better, and we see that Jesse has been analyzing and dealing with problems with a more rational and objective attitude, which is done on the basis of introspection, and more importantly, Jesse is still helping Selena to introspect, and this is growing together. For example, Jesse admits that Selena gives a lot to take care of the family and does very little herself, and he encourages Selena to spend some time on herself, such as writing songs and singing.
To make it clear here, we emphasize that conflict is one of the greatest risks of love, not that husband and wife cannot quarrel, because true love is by no means unprincipled giving, it should also include the necessary conflict, decisive rejection and harsh criticism, but not arbitrarily criticize or conflict with each other with arrogance.
Third, after recognizing the truth of life, continue to love life.
In his book The Road Few, Scott Pike emphasizes the inevitability and thoroughness of suffering, but he does not respond negatively, but chooses to use a positive attitude, believing that we can overcome the difficulties of life through mental maturity.
True love is the driving force for mental maturity.
The "Love in" trilogy allows us to see that the love of maturity of the mind is the real love, because such love makes us understand that the love of passion, the love of dependence and the love of sacrifice are not true love, only the love of seeing the imperfect real life and still loving life is true love.
At the end of the film "Love Before Midnight", Jesse borrows a time shuttle to bring Selena a letter of the future, which actually indicates that they will choose to continue to love life and love each other when they experience the confusion or pain of life.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > written at the end:</h1>
There are many definitions of love, and it can also be said that love is a mysterious phenomenon.
For example, Scott Pike explains to us what true love is from the perspective of mental maturity; Fromm, in the book The Art of Love, from the analytical starting point of man as a social animal, points out that we "how we can not strive to develop our whole personality and thus achieve a creative tendency, then every attempt at love will fail"; Frankl, in the book "Living the Meaning of Life", from the perspective of discovering the meaning of life, emphasizes "by experiencing something— such as truth, goodness, and beauty— By experiencing nature and culture or experiencing the uniqueness of another person—that is, loving someone," and so on.
In fact, no matter what kind of definition or interpretation, it is to get close to the essence of love, just like when we watch the "Love in" trilogy, we are also understanding love, learning love, and then through love, we can make ourselves better, and then make the people around us, including partners, better.
Because of love, or action.
End of this article
Thank you for reading