Not long ago, a news story that made people feel heartache was that a 23-year-old girl in Jinan committed suicide in her dormitory.
"I can't escape my dad's fate, I'm so afraid of him."
"I'm tired, just let me rest, please don't save me."
She left a long suicide note, sadness and despair overflowing the words, but instead of resenting the world, she revealed tenderness between the lines. She apologized to her roommates, told everyone not to feel sorry for her, and repeatedly said "I'm sorry" to her father, who put a lot of pressure on her.
Why would such a kind girl have nowhere to go?
A tragedy under humiliating education
In the suicide note, it can be seen that her father's verbal and physical violence is the reason for pushing her to the end of the road.
Getting beaten is a common occurrence. When she was very young, just because she didn't want to wash her hair, she was slapped in the face by her father, and her nose was bleeding.
I can't read the dictionary, I still don't understand it after asking my father, and my impatient father directly smashed the dictionary.
Even more suffocating are the horrific verbal violence and public humiliation. The word "stupid" is her father's high-frequency adjective for her, even if she is the first in the class to escape scolding. Depression and fear pervade a girl's childhood, often frightened to the point of shaking and even peeing her pants.
The girl who had just opened her heart had a relationship in her third year of high school, and when her father found out, he insulted her with very dirty words and even beat the girl in public, which caused her not to go to school for two weeks.
After college, the girl wanted to go to the big city to go to graduate school, which was contrary to her father's willingness to ask her to choose a transfer student, and the girl's decision was once again blocked, and her father told her passionately, "You can do whatever you like, don't have contact with me in the future!" ”
The incident became "the last straw that crushed the camel", the girl said, she was too scared, afraid of her father's tantrums, afraid that there was no hope for the future.
The tragedy comes to an end.
In this father-daughter "war", the father "won" and the daughter "fled", and the ending was full of blood and tears.
In real life, verbal violence is more common than physical abuse.
If the child fails, scold him; if the child has good grades, he must pour a basin of cold water to prevent pride and complacency.
Children who grow up in humiliating education are often too sensible. And what do "sensible" children think in their hearts? There is a line in the movie "Dog Thirteen":
"You see, this kid is so sensible."
"How do you know she's not afraid, silent, compromised?"
Humiliating education, in the name of love, is like a sharp blade, cutting the child's body, and under the requirements of "understanding", there is not even the courage to cry out for pain.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="2" > the family-shaming education of origin, it is time to stop</h1>
A child's mind is very sensitive and fragile, how easy is it to destroy such a soft heart? I once read a homeroom teacher's statement:
"Destroying a child is enough to ignore him, and after three greetings and ignoring him, he will bow his head for a long time; it is easy to make a child autistic, just criticize him in public." 」
The lethality of humiliation is so great that children whose self-esteem is trampled under their feet will deeply feel "I can't do it"; children who have been neglected for a long time will spend their lives soothing the inner children who are seriously insecure.
What is even more worrying is that those children who have been depressed for a long time have a sudden outbreak in pain that accumulates to a certain extent.
In recent years, the news of teenagers committing suicide for family reasons is not uncommon, do not harshly blame them for glass hearts, the child's world is very simple, love and hate are a breath.
Xu Kaiwen, a doctor of clinical psychology at Peking University, once mentioned, "Some teenagers commit suicide not because they want to kill themselves, but because they want to kill their parents' children." ”
In our traditional conception, "parents are all under the heavens" are deeply rooted in the hearts of the people, and it is difficult for us to convince our parents that the way they treat themselves is wrong and selfish.
This has led many children to turn to self-blame after being humiliated by their parents, unable to criticize their parents, but only self-attacking. They feel that being treated roughly is indeed due to their own badness and humility. Many people have a hard time getting out of the shadow of inferiority in their lives, and even difficult to establish intimate relationships.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="14" > Why is shaming education so common? </h1>
There can be many reasons:
Some parents believe that only extremely harsh education can be effective;
Some parents themselves grew up in humiliating education, continuing this simple and rude way of education; there are indeed some parents who will use their children as an outlet for catharsis.
But whatever the reason, it's time for shaming education to stop!
Every child born in this world should be out of love, language violence and love contrary to the original intention, not only will push each other's relationship farther and farther, but also leave children with difficult to heal the scars of the heart.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="16" > how to cure the scar of humiliating education? </h1>
Liberation from "both parents are right"
"Hitting is kissing, scolding is love" "Parents under the world"... In our culture, it's often hard to admit that parents are wrong.
This has led many children to endure violence even if they are humiliated, with "parents are for my own good" to endure.
In fact, even violence in the name of love is still wrong, and the core of violence is always harm.
The first thing to do to get out of the shadow of the original family is to accept that parents are also mortals, they will also make mistakes, and we have suffered the wrong way of parenting, which is not taken for granted.
At the same time, we must bravely express our views and positions, tell parents what the reasons for their choices are through rational communication, not just answer "so be it" and "okay", only by facing contradictions can we have equal and effective dialogue.
The light that illuminates our lives comes from ourselves
There are two common views on the hot topic of the family of origin:
One is the original family determinism, which believes that the influence of the original family on life is deep-rooted and difficult to shake; the other is more optimistic, believing that we have the ability to change our lives by our own strength, and that the self-cultivation of the day after tomorrow is the decisive factor.
I agree more with the latter view that the light that illuminates life comes from within ourselves. Attributing all negative results to the original family is equivalent to giving up more possibilities in life, too regrettable.
In fact, each of us has the power to take responsibility for our own lives, although we cannot choose our origins, but "change" can happen in every moment, and the initiative in life is always in our own hands.
Believe me, even if fate gives you a bad hand, you still have a chance to win beautifully on your own. It's never too late to start changing, and don't give up.