Netizens asked:
What do you think of the two boys who are afraid of being scolded and live in a nest in a tree for 2 days and 2 nights, relying on takeaway and picking up fruits to fill their hunger? How should parents guide their children correctly?
October 22, Neijiang, Sichuan. Two 13-year-old teenagers, fearing criticism from their parents after missing class, ran away from home and built a "nest" on a dense tree in the suburbs, feeding themselves for two days and two nights by ordering takeout and picking up fruit, while parents and teachers have been looking for two. Passers-by passed by this place, found that there was a lot of movement in the dense trees, and when they looked up, they found that there were actually two teenagers hiding in the trees, so they called the police. The police rushed to the scene to shout at the two people for questioning, but the two never responded. Under the patient persuasion of the police and parents, the two finally came down from the tree.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="5" >01 problem judgment</h1>
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Regarding this news, first of all, the teachers of the management camp saw that they were crying and laughing, but people could not help but sigh.
Two boys skipped class, and because they were afraid of being scolded, they were able to nest in a tree for two days.
The modern version of "harsh government is fiercer than the tiger", see what kind of scaring children are?
——" The police rushed to the scene to shout at the two people for questioning, but the two never responded. ”
Harsh policies are more terrible than tigers, so the people would rather live in the mountains to face tigers than face tyranny.
The two 13-year-olds would rather live in a tree than return to a warm home.
It shows that in the hearts of teenagers, parents are just as frightening as the tyrannical rulers of the past.
In March this year, "China's adolescent depression detection rate of 24.6%" appeared on Weibo hot search. The source of this data is the "Report on the Development of China's National Mental Health (2019-2020)" released by the team of the Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences in March this year.
We have come into contact with many children with school aversion and found that one of the root causes of problems is that parents do not pay enough attention to their children's problems.
Many parents are concerned about their children's physical health and health, their brains are smart but not smart, and they have forgotten their children's psychology.
The specific performance is that parents often give their children good material conditions, pay attention to the number of grades, and lack of understanding of children's ideas.
In general, parents manage their bodies and brains, but they do not manage their hearts.
Like this problem, the essence is that the child has a psychological problem, and running away from home is the solution of the problem, the fundamental problem is still the relationship between them and the parents, if this problem can not be solved, there will still be various problems.
Then the management camp today from the fear of failure, the four levels of boredom, words and deeds, these three aspects to share how parents can help their children in adolescence.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="31" >02 Fear of failure: only the champagne of success, no comfort of failure</h1>
We have observed many school-weary families, and their children have developed to the point of serious psychological problems, and almost all of these families have such a problem.
That is, parents only prepared champagne for success, but did not leave their children with the comfort of failure.
Children are very afraid of failure, we meet a lot of students, the original children with particularly good grades, after falling down, they are very afraid of learning, or encounter other academic difficulties (interpersonal social problems, teacher-student relationship problems, etc.) began to tire of school.
The learning motivation of these children, like a bubble, is broken as soon as they are hit by reality, and they immediately feel that reality has no hope, give up on themselves, and fall into the abyss of helplessness.
At this time, students' emotional problems will often be very serious, and they need parents' enlightenment and understanding.
But the problem is that at this time, parents often cannot understand the pain of their children, nor can they understand the helplessness of their children, and often reason with their children.
When children have a great fear of failure, why can't they give up this fear?
The reason is that parents themselves are very afraid of failure.
Therefore, in the growth experience of many children with school aversion, we found that as long as they make mistakes, the parents in these families will severely criticize and even punish their children.
And these parents are often very demanding, such as requiring their children to take the top 10, and if they do not take the test, they will be severely criticized, so this consequence will be deeply into the subconscious script, and once they start to do things, they can't help but want to be punished.
On the other hand, this conditional love of parents makes children feel in their hearts: "My parents don't love me, they only like me who takes the first place." ”
Only if the test is good, parents are willing to praise and recognize their children, then the children will have such values in their hearts: "I can only prove that I am loved if I perform well." ”
Parents only prepared a feast of victory, but they were not prepared for the comfort of failure, and once they failed, the school-weary children did not have the courage to start again.
Therefore, they often choose to take a break from school to avoid learning, rather than facing difficulties, because they have a great fear of failure.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="52" >03 Four levels of boredom: thinking, emotions, actions, and symptoms</h1>
The first stage of aversion to learning, the aversion to learning at the level of thinking.
For example, I feel that learning is boring and tedious, I feel that learning is inferior to others, I feel that I can't meet expectations, etc., these are some thoughts and ideas that everyone will have.
This is normal, even adults with stronger psychological endurance and more mature thinking logic will have times when they do not want to go to work.
Most of the time, children can adjust themselves, but some children's thoughts become obsessions, and they need to be correctly guided by teachers and parents, or enlightened by classmates, otherwise they will enter the second stage.
The second stage of aversion, anorexia at the emotional level.
At this stage, the child's school aversion will show that they have no interest in learning and are unwilling to put in energy. The most obvious feature of this stage is that the learning attitude becomes passive and the emotions are uncontrollable, on the one hand, the learning homework is coped with, on the other hand, the thought of learning is uncontrolled, and there are negative emotions such as tension, anxiety, disgust and so on.
Children may talk to their parents about their inner pain, but they are often seen by teachers and parents as pretentious, or not valued. If the child's boredom is not soothed and understood, it becomes the third stage.
At the emotional stage, teachers and parents should carry out emotional reassurance and understand the child's grievances, rather than preaching and reasoning. More serious emotional problems also need to be guided and regulated by psychological counseling teachers.
The third stage of boredom, behavioral aversion.
In the relatively mild anxiety, such as unwillingness to study, not writing homework, unwilling to cooperate with the normal class of the school, etc.; moderate is to start to escape, such as unwilling to go to school, truancy, escape from reality, rely on the Internet for spiritual comfort, etc.; more seriously, there will also be forced performance, such as repeated hand washing, repeated thinking about some problems even if they know that they are not necessary, and even some unique and meaningful rituals.
At this stage, the child's psychological pain begins to externalize, from the inner world to the real world, and some behavioral problems appear.
Once there is a behavioral problem, it is necessary to immediately find the help of a family psychological counselor, not only the child alone to do counseling, but a family to do counseling.
Because it's so severe, it's very likely that family members are also part of the problem.
The fourth stage of aversion, aversion at the symptom level.
Serious consequences can occur at this stage, and the child may be suspended from school at home, frequent truant from school, and even develop severe depression. Not only is there a reluctance to go to school, but there may also be various conflicts with parents because of long-term home. At this time, the problem of boredom becomes a family conflict, and the child will feel extremely painful and depressed. Not only is it depressed all day, addicted to the Internet, etc., or even self-harm behavior, but if the parent-child relationship deteriorates further, the child may not have nostalgia for the world and will begin to try suicide behavior.
In the fourth stage, it was also a tricky problem for our counselors at the camp.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="75" >04 Teaching by example: Teaching by example is greater than words, but parents only speak</h1>
Teaching by example is a very good way of education, and in reality, the situation that appears is that parents only speak and do not teach by example, and even say one set and do one set.
There are two aspects of teaching by example, on the one hand, it is consistent with words and deeds, and on the other hand, it is practical.
Words and deeds are consistent, to give you an example.
Parents encourage their children to be honest, which is a good thing, right?
However, when buying tickets, it is stipulated that children under 1.2 meters in height are half priced.
I have seen many parents desperately let their children shrink their heads, more than a little, that look makes the child hate, as if it is not to bring the child to play, but to throw the child away.
Also, after the test results are over, the test is not good, and the parents are very angry and beat up their children.
Guess what the child will do? Children will one day cheat and revise the grades on the test papers, because parents do not want honesty, but "grades".
Parents' words and deeds are inconsistent, and children will be more inclined to that? Of course, it is "deeds", and it is better to teach by example than to pass on words.
The other is whether parents have practiced it.
Many times, the problem of school aversion is not that children are bored with school, but that parents are tired of learning.
We have seen many families in guanxin camp, children go home at night to write homework, as soon as the game is played, parents will be all kinds of unhappy, trying to create trouble for children, such as children writing homework too fast, saying that children's homework is not serious enough, and even extra homework for children.
The child knows that if you finish your homework quickly, there will only be more homework. After the child writes homework, it will be grinding and rubbing, so as not to think that the parents do not have enough homework.
But on the other hand, parents themselves do not like overtime, complaining about hard work every day, in this case, studying well and moving up every day, that is, shouting slogans, children naturally can't listen to it.
The counselor of the camp suggested that parents need to change their identities and become a cheerleader who encourages their children, and better yet, to be a sparring partner.
Of course, the consultant of the management camp also has to explain that the sparring staff here is not going to learn the high school curriculum, but to find a learning point for their work and life.
To tell a very interesting case, before a mother could not understand why her daughter was not willing to go to the interest class that she had spent tens of thousands of yuan, she did not want this condition when she was a child.
Later, she went to report to a cooking class by herself, and sometimes she did not want to go to class, and she understood her daughter's mentality in an instant, but she was able to communicate with her daughter and improve her parent-child problems.
Through their own learning, they deeply feel the pressure experienced by their children in learning, and through their own changes and efforts in learning, they will do a good job of companionship and example for their children.
That's what we really teach by example.
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