Some time ago, a male colleague who had been married for less than a month asked us out for a drink and spat on his wife lovelessly.
She looked at such a virtuous and virtuous look in front of outsiders, but she was not actually a convenient lord. This person is particularly nagging, but even if she talks more, the key is that she still wants to control everything about me, what clothes I wear every day, what shoes she has to manage, what hairstyle to cut have to listen to her, the key is that she also let me mobile phone can not set the password, she must check at any time. I really broke down, she wasn't like this before she got married! ”
I asked him, "Then did you ask her why she did this?" He said, "Asked, and she said it was because she loved me too much." I wondered, is this love? "I want to say that it's not love, it's just that she treats you like a marionette in her hand and wants to control you."
Speaking of the issue of possessiveness and control in love, it reminds me of the movie "Man in the Book of Love".
The film was released in 2012, douban rating of 7.5 points "Love In the Book of Man" tells such a story: the male protagonist Kevin is a novelist, the career is proud but frustrated, since the first love girlfriend left him, Kevin has been alone, but he has always been eager to fall in love. As a result, Kevin began to fictionalize his ideal Ruby in his dreams, and wrote Ruby in his book as a character in the dream. Until one day, Kevin woke up to find that the Ruby in his dream had actually appeared in his life, and what was even more incredible was that he could change the real-life Ruby by writing the fictional Ruby, and things were out of control...
Kevin was excited at first when Ruby actually appeared in front of him, but gradually he began to panic, because Ruby was so perfect that he wanted to tie her to him forever.
Ruby was also very clingy to Kevin at first, but Kevin wanted his own space, so he encouraged Ruby to go out and socialize, but when Ruby gradually had his own circle, Kevin panicked again, he was afraid that Ruby would change from a role in his pen to a living person, and he was afraid that after Ruby went out to contact society, he would not be his own "rag doll".
As a result, Kevin gradually becomes neurotic, yelling at Ruby, telling the truth about Ruby's existence, and he also tampers with the "Ruby" in the book to control the real Ruby...
Kevin's performance is typical of a person with a strong desire to control in love, in his heart, the lover is his exclusive object, and the other party should be controlled by his own will no matter what he does.
This article will analyze the problem of control in romantic relationships from the causes of control and three different forms of "control" and discuss how we can have good and healthy intimate relationships.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > causes of control in intimate relationships: family influences of origin, emotional trauma, and feelings of inferiority</h1>
Through the show of Kevin's life in the movie, it can be found that people who have a strong desire to control their lovers are basically from these three reasons: the original family is not good, they have been hurt in the relationship, and they are not confident in themselves.
There is not much security from the family of origin
Not everyone's family is happy, and for Kevin, he has always had a good relationship with his father, and his mother said that he had a shadow of his father.
But the death of his father gave him a big enough blow, for Kevin, no one can take his father's place, he does not want to see his mother too close to her new boyfriend, he is not even willing to accept gifts from the other party, and his attitude towards the other party has always been lukewarm. Even though the mother and her boyfriend are in harmony and more cheerful and happier than before, Kevin explains this as the mother being "brainwashed".
Children are like the shadow of their parents, and a small change between parents can have an extremely profound impact on children like a butterfly effect, not to mention the lack of family members.
There is a theory in psychology that our intimate relationships, marriages, and emotional patterns often come from the psychological experience of interacting with our parents during childhood. If a person has something missing in the original family, he will double down on finding it after meeting another intimate person, which will bring trouble to the intimate relationship. For Kevin, the sense of security he did not get in his original family will be found in his lover, so he becomes ill and loses, and then has a strong desire to control, he wants to grab the person he loves, and does not want the other party to disappear again like a father.
Hurt in past relationships
Everyone can have a love affair that ends in nowhere, but those experiences need to give us growth and learning how to love someone properly, rather than making us more afraid to fall in love.
His ex-girlfriend Lyra has been in love with Kevin for five years, and he has helped Lyra a lot in her career, but Lyra left him when her father died, which is a shameful thing for Kevin, and it is a matter of grief. Therefore, he resented Lyra in his heart, so much so that when he reunited with her, he disregarded the image and quarreled with her in public.
But from Lyra's point of view, the reason for leaving Kevin is because of the other party's desire to control, but these Kevins do not know, he only knows that he has been betrayed, so after meeting Ruby, he wants to catch the other party more and more.
In the book "Poor Charlie's Book", it is mentioned that a psychological concept is called "deprived of super reaction tendencies", which means that you are very concerned about one thing in your heart, and when you slowly lose control of it, then the insecurity in your heart will become stronger, the stronger the desire to control, and you will satisfy your own selfish desires in the name of love.
Kevin takes Lyra very seriously, so when Lyra chooses to break up with him when his father dies, it is undoubtedly a huge blow to Kevin, who feels greatly uneasy, but to no avail. So after meeting Ruby, he doubled his desire to control his lover on Ruby, eventually making both parties miserable.
Lack of sufficient confidence in yourself
It's not just incompetent people who have low self-esteem, but so do excellent people. Zhu Yuanzhang, the emperor of the Ming Dynasty, had poor living conditions since he was a child, herding cattle, asking for food, and the things that poor children did, and later became the emperor, what did he want, but the inferiority complex he formed from childhood still did not disappear, he killed many people who were more capable than him, such as heroes, literati, etc. Is he not excellent as the founding emperor of the Ming Dynasty? No, but it still didn't stop his feelings of inferiority.
Kevin is a good young writer, but he is still an introvert, even a person with social phobia, he does not like to mix in the crowd, even to participate in his new book interview program he is very uncomfortable, obviously walking towards a place, after seeing someone on the other side will immediately turn away.
He also doesn't have any friends, so the perfect Ruby is a lifesaver for him, he can not want anything, just want to cling to Ruby is enough. When only Ruby is left in his life, he will stop at nothing, even if he wants to control her by abnormal means.
The desire to control is actually an important regulatory and balancing mechanism in our human hearts, which is used to cope with the sense of loss of control and alleviate the fear of danger. All controls point to the same goal: to protect oneself.
So, it is not a bad thing in terms of "control" alone, but how to avoid it becoming the "desire to control" that many people in love fear? I'm going to give you the truth about controlling desire in intimate relationships in three ways.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > three forms of controlling lovers: body control, emotional control, and mind control</h1>
With physical control, the most ignorant
In April 2015, there was a news that shocked many people, a 29-year-old female nurse because she found that her boyfriend who was talking about marriage was in contact with other women, she was already divided over the decoration of the wedding room, dowry and other matters, she was postponed, she felt that her boyfriend was unfaithful, so she used her professional advantages to take sleeping pills in the water and injected insulin into her boyfriend's abdomen, resulting in the death of her boyfriend.
Such a plot seems to exist only in movies, and it can't help but make people's scalps tingle in reality. According to reports, the female nurse in the wedding room decoration, dowry to buy a car, the attitude is particularly strong, no matter what must be in accordance with her will, and looking at the boyfriend's mobile phone, restricting the boyfriend's travel and other behaviors, but it is common... So, after discovering that her boyfriend was unfaithful, such a tragedy occurred.
This is one of those acts of using your body to control your lover, and I want to control your body so that you will never be able to "move freely" again. The other one is more common, countless dog blood stories take place in major film and television dramas and around us. If you don't want to marry me, I'll find a way to seduce you and get you drunk, in short, there are many ways to get you (yourself) pregnant, so that you can't abandon me.
Such people, they actually lack a very important ability, that is, to coexist with uncertainty. The causes of this lack of ability are mostly divided into two situations: excessive deprivation, or excessive satisfaction. To put it bluntly, the attitude of the original family towards them, either ignore it or give something.
People who are overly deprived, they often do not get what they want, they have been insecure in their hearts, they cannot feel "love and need" from the outside world, only when they can control something, there will be a moment of peace, so they will desperately grasp what they can grasp to fill the inner emptiness.
And the overly satisfied people, they have not lacked anything since childhood, they are accustomed to "having", they think that the existence of everything around them is taken for granted, and when he can't grasp anything, he will feel that it is impossible and unreasonable, so he will use various means to keep that thing to meet this "common sense".
Such a desire is pathological, such a person can not believe in the world, can not trust anyone, but in fact, deep inside he is a strong distrust of himself, is a deep sense of insecurity. When anything fails to go against his will, he will have a rebellious mentality and want to transfer this matter to the limits of his control through his own means.
Controlling with emotion, most commonly
Douban's high-scoring suspense movie "Disappearing Lover" tells such a story, a wife in order to retaliate against her husband's cheating, the control of her own handwriting, arranged a "murder case", let the media expose the husband a series of lies, scams and indecent behavior, and all this is to let the husband return to her...
Emotional control is one of the most common forms of control in love, and probably each of us has experienced it to a greater or lesser degree: Your partner always emphasizes keeping you away from your divorced co-workers? Will your partner always ask you whereabouts when you're out and playing? Will your partner urge you not to get a tattoo or not to get a facelift? After you don't follow the other person's wishes, the other party will have a big fight with you, or cold violence? In fact, these are all control desires in love, but many people may not be aware of it. But we don't care again and again, and give in again and again, we will give each other "courage" to feel that they have the "ability" to control us and let them make progress.
I am a female friend, her ex-boyfriend control is particularly strong, has reached the level of perversion, he can check my friend's WeChat at any time, one more contact to find out who it is, he can also follow Weibo and QQ to turn out my friend's other friends of the opposite sex, add people as friends, tell people his identity, let people not go near his girlfriend. He would also ask my friend to call her at least ten times a day, in the name of "caring" about her, but in fact knowing all her whereabouts.
In the eyes of such people, they are absolutely right beings, like a "messenger of justice", everything we do is wrong and abnormal for them, and they feel that their mission is to correct us and change us.
Kevin is such a person, he feels that Ruby is the marionette in his hand, because Ruby was created by him, so he has absolute control over her. He hates Ruby for having her own social networking, and when he rewrites articles to get Ruby to stick to her again, he feels breathless and wants to have his own space, and he feels that all of Ruby's actions must be controlled by himself.
This is a bit similar to PUA, PUA full name Pick-up Artist, originated in the United States, literally called a hook-up artist, but in fact it is a kind of packaging itself through systematic learning, practice and continuous self-improvement of emotional intelligence, inducing the opposite sex to interact with it, through the opposite sex to brainwash, deceive the opposite sex feelings, to achieve the purpose of having a relationship with the opposite sex, and now, PUA is developing fraudulently in the world. You think he loves you just because you're impressed by his "programmatic" language, and think about it, how does he do in an actual interaction? When your thing conflicts with his own interests, how does he choose it?
If in a relationship, we meet such a person, then the only solution is to try our best to avoid it, not to be threatened and begged by the other party, and not to expect him to be centered on you, even if he gave you such an illusion at first.
Control with the mind, the wisest
The smartest way to "control the lover", but also the most insignificant way, is actually to use the mind, but here can not say control, but use high emotional intelligence to get along with the lover correctly, so that the lover willingly sticks to you, then to achieve this, I think there are three places to pay attention:
1. Clarify the bottom line and have the courage to refuse
The reason why the "desire to control" is so common is because the controlled party's repeated tolerance and concessions have encouraged the arrogance of the other party. Many people, especially girls, will be a little flattering in love, embarrassed to refuse the various requirements of the lover, they will compromise, but in the end, they will exchange the other party's disrespect, and they want to control you more and more, because he has a sense of accomplishment.
We must have our own bottom line and position in love, have a standard of our own, and after encountering things that exceed our own bottom line, the first step is to clearly refuse and resolutely say "no". Whatever the reason, don't do things against your will, give in step by step, we must stand firm at the beginning, maintain our principles, and don't lose our true selves.
When Kevin asks Ruby to follow her to a party, Ruby is reluctant, she lies on the couch and plays Lai, but as soon as the camera turns, she still appears on the party venue, and because of this, she has accumulated a lot of dissatisfaction with Kevin in her heart, which led to the breakdown of the relationship between the two.
Rejection is not a bad thing, don't feel like rejecting the other party as if it is a kind of hurt, if you are annoyed and angry because of your rejection, it is also a good opportunity to see the other party through this opportunity. As long as it is someone who truly loves you, your rejection will only let the other party know that you are a principled person and respect you more.
2. Use empathy to communicate correctly
Empathy is the ability that everyone should cultivate, it allows us to quickly perceive the emotions of those around us, and then adjust the communication method, which is the best way to avoid conflict.
The word "born from the heart" may be a little discriminatory for many people, but I think there is still a certain truth, because it does not mean that looking at a person's appearance can see the personality of the other party, but can see his emotions from the other person's face. For example, the term "straight male cancer" has been popular on the Internet for a long time, and it does not refer specifically to all "straight men", but specifically to those men who feel good about themselves, know that they are very general, but feel that the world is exclusive. This kind of "straight male cancer" only pays attention to himself in the process of chatting with people, does not know how to recognize the emotions of the other party, and imposes his own ideas on the other party, completely disregarding whether the other party is tired of talking with him.
In fact, boys and girls have great differences in personality and way of thinking, so it is important to learn empathy in feelings, especially in quarrels, do not just talk to yourself, we must take the initiative to understand each other's ideas, find the real problem, in order to better communicate.
But it should be noted that empathy ≠ preaching, do not allow yourself to stand on a commanding height to reason with each other, but discuss on an equal footing. There are three steps to refer to: awareness, acceptance, and transmission. Be aware of each other's expressions and actions, accept each other's emotions, and finally convey your thoughts and feelings to the other party.
3. Timely compromise and skillful use of "heart machine"
Most of today's young people are only children, and they grew up with the protection of their parents, so it is difficult to learn to "give in" after growing up in love. But love is not about "reason", it is about "feeling", even if you are right in something, and then you have to argue according to reason, it is likely to win or lose and lose feelings. Lovers with high emotional intelligence will not calculate right and wrong with each other, because right and wrong itself has no meaning, and how the two get along is the key. There are too many examples of lovers becoming enemies in life, and at least one person in this relationship does not understand compromise, which is why there is such an unsatisfactory result.
In fact, compromise does not mean that you lose, but that you win, because you win the relationship, win the dominance of the relationship, and win the respect of the other party. After compromise, the other party often will not continue to entangle, because finding that you are so generous, but will feel guilty about the previous attitude towards you.
The "heart machine" is the lubricating oil of love. Two people together are like two gears, it is likely that they will not bite completely, at this time you need some lubricating oil to moisturize the relationship between the two people and make the two sides more harmonious. "Heart machine" is not to fight with the heart, play careful eyes, but to make good use of small thoughts, small interests, to add a joyful atmosphere to life, so to speak, in fact, compromise is also a manifestation of "heart machine".
When more and more people take the soul fun as the first criterion for choosing a mate, we will find that the previous well-behaved concept of love is no longer applicable, no one will like a plain and water lover, and everyone wants to have a fun person around to make themselves happy. It is not difficult to become "clever", two people have common hobbies, a small surprise on the anniversary, or even a cold joke during a chat, can love with a little "flavoring", the method is very easy, the question is whether you are willing to spend your mind on each other.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > written at the end</h1>
There is a saying that goes like this: "Love, what is most needed is comfort." If you feel free, comfortable, and at ease, you love it right; if you feel constrained, controlled, and without self, you should consider adjusting. ”
Love is not 1 + 1 = 2, but 1 + 1>2, the best love is not to make people unrecognizable, but we are willing to become a better version of ourselves for each other.