The year when she was 16 years old was like a nightmare for Bai Wei, and although she woke up from the dream, the scars were still there.
Bai Wei, whose original name was Huang Zhang, was born in 1893 in Xingning County, Hunan Province.
Bai Wei's father, Huang Han, once studied in Japan. It is reasonable to say that Huang Han should be open-minded, but the feudal ideas of the past thousand years are too stubborn, like a ghost in the bones of many people.
Huang Han still advocated that the parents' fate matchmaker said that children had no right to do the main marriage.
16-year-old Bai Wei, under her father's arrangement, married the son of a widow in the village, which was the beginning of her nightmare.
A marriage without an emotional basis, every day is an ordeal.
This arranged marriage made Bai Wei miserable, and her mother-in-law doubled the weight of this pain.
In the eyes of Bai Wei's mother-in-law, since the daughter-in-law has married in, she should listen to her call.
At the beginning of the last century, daughters-in-law were the target of oppression by many evil mothers-in-law. If any friend has seen Xiao Hong's "Hulan River Biography", he will definitely be impressed by the small reunion daughter-in-law inside. The little reunion daughter-in-law did not do anything wrong, but she was abused by her mother-in-law until her tragic death.
Bai Wei's mother-in-law treats Bai Wei as a free coolie, and Bai Wei is responsible for planting land, growing vegetables, feeding pigs, cooking, washing dishes, etc., but her husband has nothing to do all day.
Once the mother-in-law is in a bad mood, or Bai Wei's performance makes the mother-in-law dissatisfied, Bai Wei will be beaten. Chickens and ducks are all to be sold for money, Bai Wei's mother-in-law is reluctant to fight, only Bai Wei can bear the pain of this skin and meat, the pain is hurt, and it will be fine in a few days.
Bai Wei had once been bitten off by the fierce mother-in-law, and the pain at that moment was unbearable, and Bai Wei still had palpitations after many years.
Bai Wei, who was not willing to live like this for a lifetime, finally bravely ran out of her mother-in-law's house, and that night, there was no moon, it was pitch black. Bai Wei looked back at the gloomy house and only felt relieved.
After Bai Wei ran back to her mother's house, she did not get comfort from her father. Her mother was distressed by what had happened to her daughter and kept wiping away her tears. Her father thought that the daughter who married out was the water that was spilled, and no matter how bad the husband was, he had to marry the chicken and marry the dog with the dog.
Despite his daughter's bitter pleading, Bai Wei's father still sent his daughter back.
Not all fatherly love is like a mountain.
Bai Wei was very disappointed in her father, the next time she fled, she fled to her uncle's house, the uncle was more open-minded, with his help, Bai Wei went to Changsha to attend the Girls' Normal School.
Bai Wei has always liked to read, but because of this sudden marriage, she interrupted her studies, and now that she has regained her textbooks, Bai Wei's heart is joyful, and this joy is steadfast.
In 1918, when Bai Wei was about to graduate, her father suddenly brought many relatives to the school to arrest Bai Wei and return.
Bai Wei, with the help of her classmates, successfully escaped again.
This time, she escaped even farther.
Bai Wei went to Japan.
Everything is a new start, and poor Bai Wei works in Japan while studying. She did a lot of work just to survive.
In a foreign country, Bai Wei is lonely.
Bai Wei once took the initiative to pursue the talented Ling Biru, but was rejected miserably. Just when Bai Wei was emotionally frustrated, a man named Yang Suo broke into her world. Yang Sao likes Ling Biru's sister, but the other party politely rejects his confession.
Yang Sao and Bai Wei are both fallen people in the end of the world, and they must have known each other when they met. As both lovers, the two developed feelings of pity for each other, which in turn became love.
This year, Bai Wei was 30 years old and Yang Suo was 24 years old.
Yang Sao is a literary young man, who talks about love and writes articles poetically. Bai Wei was dead set on him, but Yang Sao was as his name suggested, with a turbulent heart.
The beloved always have no fear, and Yang Suo later mentioned to Bai Wei many times that he still loved Ling Biru's sister.
Bai Wei has been sad and annoyed, but still firmly believes that Yang Sao will forget the other party and completely fall in love with her.
However, while Yang Sao and Bai Wei are in love, they are still pursuing other women.
In 1925, Yang Sao did not say goodbye and returned to China.
When Bai Wei learned the news that Yang Suo was in Hangzhou, she also followed close behind and took a boat back to China.
Yang Sao fled, and Bai Wei chased. The tighter Bai Wei chased, the more Yang Sao only wanted to escape farther.
Bai Wei's love for him made Yang Sao feel like a heavy burden. Yang Sao left Hangzhou and went to Southeast Asia.
When Bai Wei wrote one sincere letter after another to Yang Sao, Yang Sao rarely replied.
He later told Bai Wei in a letter:
"I love you! Believe me, my favorite woman is you, you remember! But I'm going to experience a hundred women, and then I'm tired and crippled, haggard like a willow that has been moved out of a ward, forever falling in your arms! You wait, I'll be looking for you in three years! ”
In the face of Yang Sao's farewell again, Bai Wei seemed to be numb. Although she was sad and upset, she was still waiting for the prodigal son to turn back.
Single Bai Wei has put her mind on her career, she has always loved literature, and she has published articles as early as a few years ago.
Bai Wei was gifted with literature, and in 1927, Bai Wei's work "Su Fei" was published in the "Yu Silk" edited by Lu Xun.
When Lu Xun first saw Bai Wei, he smiled and said: "Some people say that you are like a fairy", Bai Wei smiled after hearing Lu Xun's praise, she did not lack people to pursue, but she only had a special love for Yang Sao.
With the continuous publication of her works, her fame in literary circles has grown, and her future is bright.
In the autumn of 1927, Yang Sao returned.
Bai Wei hated him for not saying goodbye, and was reluctant to leave him. The two reunited again, and this time, Yang Sao seemed to have learned to be obedient and spent a happy time with Bai Wei.
In 1928, Bai Wei and Yang Sao booked a hotel and invited many friends to attend their wedding.
The night before the wedding, the excited Bai Wei did not sleep well.
Bai Wei has been waiting for the day to become Yang Sao's bride, and when this day is coming, Bai Wei can't help but ask herself, is this a dream?
Yes, it is indeed a dream.
On the wedding day, Yang Sao was busy dating another woman and forgot his happy event.
A good wedding became a joke because of the groom's disappearance.
A person's infatuation is limited, even if the infatuation is like Bai Wei, after being hurt by Yang Sao again and again, she finally understands that Yang Sau is not her good relationship.
In 1933, Bai Wei compiled her correspondence with Yang Suo for many years into a collection and published it, titled "Last Night", saying goodbye to the past.
Bai Wei was once a talented writer and a rising star in the literary world, and after officially breaking up with Yang Sao, Bai Wei's career gradually declined.
She could no longer write good works.
In 1935, Lin Yutang asked Bai Wei for a manuscript, and she wrote a nine-hundred-page "Tragic Career".
This semi-autobiographical novel, which poured Bai Wei's painstaking efforts, was evaluated by critics as not worth reading, "Nine hundred pages of heroic lyricism, but the language and structure are slightly rough, just blindly pouring out their own bitterness, describing the betrayal of love, many fragments are the same." ”
Bai Wei, whose career love is not satisfactory, has changed and become depressed and depressed. An unsuccessful relationship can sometimes be fatal.
Bai Wei's health is getting worse and worse, she has been sick for many years and has to take medicine every day.
Wang Yingxia, the wife of the writer Yu Dafu, has met Bai Wei, and she said that Bai Wei has suffered from pneumonia, stomach disease, scarlet fever, rheumatism, cholera and other strange diseases.
Bai Wei, who was already poor, used all her money to see a doctor and buy medicine, and food and clothing became a problem.
At a young age, she had grown white hair and a haggard face.
"Women's Life" once recorded Bai Wei's daily life:
"Three or five days of cooking is a common thing, sometimes suddenly onset, a person lying alone in bed, not only no one to take care of the tea, but also to wait until the occasional visitor to try to raise the cost of medicine for her. Indeed, the burden of medical expenses was too great for her, and the burden was about to force her into the grave. ”
Wang Yingxia wrote in her autobiography that she did not understand why Bai Wei was already so lonely and bitter, and still did not want to marry.
After Bai Wei experienced a failed marriage and a failed love, she was probably discouraged about love.
In 1938, Bai Wei became seriously ill, and Yang Sao went to take care of her.
After experiencing many women, Yang Suo knew that only Bai Wei could indulge him bottomlessly in this world, and he confessed affectionately: "In the past, I didn't know how to love you, but now I am really starting to know how to love you." ”
This time, Bai Wei resolutely rejected him. She told Yang Sao:
"You have now become a perfectly good person, and from now on, the hatred you planted in my heart has been completely unplugged, and the infinite piercing pain you planted in me has disappeared... I am happy and I will be healthy day by day! This cannot but be deeply grateful for your transformation! ”
In 1944, Yang Sao married a Singaporean overseas Chinese woman, and the two had three sons and lived a happy life.
The rest of Bai Wei's life tasted a thick sorrow in boundless loneliness. In the 1950s, Bai Wei, who had reached her old age, took the initiative to apply to work in Beidahuang, and she worked in Beidahuang for 7 years and in Xinjiang for 2 years.
She went to harsh places and lived ascetics, as if to punish herself.
Bai Wei frowned all day, doing the most tiring work, living in the darkest room, and her world had no sunlight.
In her later years, Bai Wei left an impression like this:
The old man in front of him, his hair thin and unkempt, his face was brown and old-age spots like spiders with webs, his eyes were squeezed into a slit by the upper and lower eyelids, and he was wearing a blue cloth cardigan, and each stitch of the white stitch on the bottom of the cotton jacket was more than half an inch long. Especially when she stood up with two sticks, I couldn't help but think of Xiang Lin's sister-in-law who begged for donations in the snow and wind. ”
Bai Wei has been sick in this life, coupled with a long-term depressed mood, she has always thought that she will not live long, but although Bai Wei is sick, she is very long-lived, and she really does not know whether this is a gift or punishment from heaven. For people who live in great pain, longevity is sometimes a form of torture.
You can't live well, you can't die.
Yang Suo died in 1957, but Bai Wei lived to 1987.
In 1983, Yang Sao's son Yang Beibei went to Beijing to visit Bai Wei in order to write a biography of his father.
He did not dare to tell Bai Wei that he was Yang Suo's son.
He only told Bai Wei that he was from Zhangzhou, Fujian Province.
After the white-haired Bai Wei heard the two words Zhangzhou, her thoughts drifted to a very far place.
A smile flashed on her face, followed by a long period of loneliness.
Bai Wei slowly said to Yang Sao's son, "My former lover was also from Zhangzhou, and I only have one lover."
On August 27, 1987, 94-year-old Bai Wei came to the end of her life, and Bai Wei, who had no relatives, left this world alone.
Bai Wei's life is like the evaluation she left to herself before she died: "Born homeless, love is fruitless, and death is tombless." ”
Punishing herself for the mistakes of others is Bai Wei's greatest cruelty to herself.