By Yan Geling
In three influential novels by the Soviet exiled female writer Ayn Rand, she repeatedly mentions that women (or men) long for love, but do not understand that sincere and solid love should be "earned"; the love obtained without "earning" is first of all non-divided, and secondly, it can never last. She used the English word "Earn", or earn, to give birth to many feelings. Many examples in life illustrate that all failed marriages are because people ignore the word "earn"; once married, love seems to be insured, and all future disasters should be borne by the insurance company of marriage. That is to say, both men and women no longer continue to "earn" love, but regard the love that the other party has given or is giving as "deserved".
I have met many men and women at home and abroad, naturally beautiful, intelligent and lovely, and it seems that love and marriage are not going well. Because they are born with sufficient capital, they never have to earn love. For such men and women, it seems that the whole world should have been in their affection, so that they spent the love given by anyone so great that they never cherished it. They don't understand that it's dangerous for a person to consume only and not save in their emotional life. Valuable and quality love always has to be actively "earned". The process of "earning" is the process of growth, maturity and purification, and the process of hard work and sincere payment.
This reminds me of a book I read two years ago, MoralAnimal (Robert Wright), a Darwinian work on evolutionary psychology whose main subject was the relationship between men and women. Based on Darwin's love and marriage, the book summarizes several determinants of the success of Darwin's marriage with his wife Emma: First, the physical and chemical selection of a love object with a great deal of virtue. Second, pure love without physical contact before marriage. Darwin's Success and Illness. Emma was a plain-looking woman, so Darwin was pragmatic in choosing her as his lover, against the male nature of love. After marriage, Darwin's fame continued to rise, but he always cherished the simple love emma gave him. He thought Emma was a woman who would make him work hard and keep him from being diligent enough to forget the joys of the world. In their nearly half-century-long marriage, Darwin continued to "earn" Emma's love and care, and Emma equally "earned" Darwin's admiration and respect, Emma said: "(Seemingly self-deprecatingly) nothing can bind a man and a woman firmly together like a disease." "She gave Darwin both spiritual and physical care during more than twenty years of chronic illness, so that Darwin had only a fondness for Emma in his brilliant success. In Darwin's autobiography, he wrote: "She (Emma) was the greatest piece of luck in my life... I often wonder how such a woman who is much better than me can become my wife. ”
From this point of view, they have never stopped "earning" each other's love, and they do not regard each other's love as "deserved".
Darwin's prominence made one of Emma's aunts sweat for Emma. Emma has always lacked interest in dressing, so she is always too simple or even outdated in fashion. The aunt exhorted her niece in a letter: "... Don't overlook the little touches that make you always look pleasing to the eye. Your neglect is because you think your husband doesn't care about these outward details of women. In fact, any man cares about these details. ”
I have no way of knowing if Emma listened to her aunt and did her best to be "pleasing to the eye" in the days to come. But from this aunt's opinion, she believes in the word "earn"; do not think that "earning" on the inside is enough, and the external one also needs to be "earned".
In The Moral Animal, there is a passage about the famous writer Dickens. Dickens called his wife his own "better half" when he was first married. More than twenty years later, his fame attracted the admiration of countless young and beautiful women, and his wife was a "formless" thing, and she created "causes the sphere to cause the suffering of those closest to her." The once "better half" became years later a "feelingless, resentful, slouchy—almost unsentimental" woman. The two superstars of human civilization, Darwin and Dickens, had extremely different experiences of love and marriage. Of course, this has a lot to do with their completely different personalities. But it can be seen that Dickens, whose fame rose sharply after marriage, easily changed from the subject of love to the object, only knowing the expenses, not knowing how to "earn", so the relationship between him and his wife Catherine formed a vicious circle; no one "earned", but everyone squandered. It is conceivable that Dickens should bear the main responsibility for this failed marriage. Like all successful men (or successful or beautiful women), Dickens believed that love could be earned without having to earn it. He cannot have solid, pure love because he spoils love, cripples the unearned love, and loses the ability to "earn" love.
Notes on Africa, by Yan Geling
Transferred from: Yan Geling public number ID: yan-geling