Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
What a child's growth and performance looks like is essentially influenced by the way parents educate them
There is such a mother, every time she takes her daughter to the supermarket to shop, the child cries and cries and has to carry it away
Especially when you need to pick and choose things to buy things, the little guy starts to lose his temper and cry directly, no matter how anxious his mother is holding her with one hand and picking things with the other
In a hurry, the mother also wanted to lose her temper, but at the moment when she squatted down and was ready to reason, she suddenly found that the perspective of a child and the perspective of an adult were completely different
When you squat down and are as tall as a child, you can see the perspective of the legs coming and going, and the hurried footsteps, especially the perspective of the vegetables and daily necessities area, which is simply torturous for children
For example, some people like to pick bones in eggs when loading and picking vegetables, and a dish is simply picked up and picked in the hand, and then thrown directly on the ground
And children, it is easy to accidentally become an innocent victim of being smashed
Or, when it comes to special deals on goods, it's like not wanting money, swarming up, regardless of whether you fall or not
In this way, the supermarket from the child's perspective is naturally a terrible and terrifying thing, and the essence of the child's crying and begging for a hug is also to seek a sense of security
And this example also fully reflects a new problem: children's problems are usually caused by parents' wrong perceptions
In particular, if there are the following 5 shortcomings in children, they are often affected by parents' wrong cognition
01
The child is lazy and dependent
It shows that parents are doing too much
There are no children who are born lazy, only parents who make meticulous arrangements and support behind their backs
Xiao Wang, a single mother, is an all-round female leader
She is a strong woman with outstanding performance in her career, a delicate and enthusiastic perfectionist in life, and an old mother who tries her best to cultivate her daughter at home
As for the girl, she is also more competitive, and there are many large and small awards posted on the walls of the room
But this "competition" did not last long, especially after boarding in junior high school, there was a cliff-like decline in grades
The mother was anxious, she asked the reason, and the answer she gave was: I was ridiculed by everyone at school
The reason for the ridicule is also the girl's poor self-care ability at school, she can't squeeze toothpaste when brushing her teeth, she doesn't eat green onions and ginger when she eats, she is willing to use chopsticks to eat after she has to pick them all out, and she can't even change common sense skills such as changing refills...
After hearing this, my mother said to herself: "I did all this for you before."
Therefore, in the days when her mother did it all by herself, the girl was happy to be at ease, and she just had to do a good job in her studies every day
After boarding in middle school, it is precisely a test of self-care ability, what I didn't know before, now I have to start learning, and what I knew before is also a big gap in the environment of talents
As a result, after having a strong sense of disparity, the girl's self-confidence collapsed, and she blamed and was anxious in self-internal friction every day, until she was not even in the mood to listen to the lectures in class, so that her grades were greatly affected, and there was a cliff-like decline
This is the result of parents doing too much for their children
Children's growth should also be half learning, half experience, if we do everything for the child, then the child will naturally enjoy himself, and gradually lose the ability to take care of himself
Therefore, if you don't want your child to be lazy and dependent, then parents should be "willing" to use your child
Telling children often "I need you" and "Can you help me" is more growthal than "I don't need you for this" and "You just need to learn good habits when your parents are here".
02
The child lacks self-confidence
It shows that there is too little encouragement from parents
I have a friend who overhears her complaining about her daughter every time we meet
It's not that "all day long, no matter what you do, you have to rush, and you are not motivated at all"
is to accuse: "Such a child is not well educated at all, I think she is born worse than others, I really don't know how to survive in the future if she continues"
In fact, when a mother says these words, she has a very low sense of awareness of her child, and she does not believe that the child will get better, and she has no expectations
But in this way, can we change the status quo?
No, children who have lived in an environment of accusation, complaining, and suppression for a long time will only become more and more broken, have low self-esteem, and have a bad temper...
This is the case with the son of a relative
He has a very verbose mother who calls him over and over again every day before he gets off work to urge him to do his homework
When I got home, the first thing I had to do was to check my homework, and if I didn't write my homework, my mother would ask more and more questions in the next second:
"What's going on"
"Are you trying to me off?"
"How many calls were made"
"How many times have you been reminded?"
"Why didn't you finish your homework?"
As for boys, when they are first urged to yell by their mothers, they will cover their ears to make themselves less uncomfortable
Later, in the face of his mother's bad words, he chose to close his eyes tightly, not writing a word, and not wanting to say a word...
In fact, this is the result of the child's excessive overdraft
A child who has been born under negative energy for a long time will slowly become negative energy, and if you don't want your child to become such a person, you must always instill positive energy in your child
03
The child is timid and afraid
It shows that the parents' mouths are too hard
Not long ago, when I was shopping for clothes in the mall, I witnessed such a scene
A grandmother said to a boy about 6 years old, "You can eat it, but you can't buy toys."
When I went out, my mother said, "If you can't buy what you want."
The boy was obviously not convinced, and began to argue with his hands on his waist: "Why do you adults go out and buy whatever you want, and I just want to buy one more toy"
Grandma explained: "Just play with what you have, buy too much is a waste, it's better to save money and buy what you need in the future"
The boy didn't listen, and was anxious to vent his displeasure with his grandmother's small fist
There was no way, the grandmother had to pay out of her own pocket to satisfy the child's vexatious trouble
I thought that the matter was over here, but I didn't expect that when my mother came to pick up my grandson and went home, she saw the toy in the child's hand, and she nagged at that time
Probably in order to rectify the child's vexatious trouble, the mother ignored the pedestrians who came and went at the time, and directly pulled the child to the store to return the toys
As a result, it is natural to have a deal with the owner of the toy store
In particular, the boss's sentence: "No quality problems will not be refunded or replaced, the child is disobedient and spends money indiscriminately, don't adults know how to stop it", which made the mother's temper instantly grow a lot, and slapped the child's ass a few times
Seeing the mother like this, the child was so frightened that he hid behind his grandmother, and some passers-by around him also persuaded him: "Don't be angry with the child, educate where there is a problem, and losing your temper will not solve the problem at all."
Yes, a good education must be based on the child's willingness to listen to you and listen to you
If your child dodges, evades, or deliberately resists you, remember to review his or her speech first
Only by using companionship and love to talk to children about their favorite topics first, so that each other's telepathy can be connected, many problems will naturally be solved
04
Children love to lie
It shows that parents punish too much
"I'm completely dead set on nothing anymore"
"You can expel her, after she can't go to school, go out to work, see her lying problem, who can tolerate it"
…
It's hard to imagine that this was the words of a mother asking the school to expel her daughter
It wasn't until I asked the reason that I slowly learned the reason
It turned out that the mother was a stay-at-home mother who gave up her job for the sake of her child, and her daughter was going to be in the sixth grade in the second half of the year
In the days I have been, my mother has always revolved around her child every day, either on the way to school or rushing from school to tutoring class every day
It is said that the annual tuition fee for children alone costs tens of thousands
When I think that the only laborer in the family who earns money is my father, my mother is very concerned about her son's tutoring, and the first thing she says when she comes home from school every day is: "When will you write your homework" and "Will you finish your homework"
As for the child, although his grades are not too bad, he has always had a bad problem of lying and shirking responsibility
In particular, every time I asked about homework and exams, the child always replied categorically, "I have already done it"
But when you go to school the next day to hand in your homework, you either lie and say that you forgot to take your homework, or you start making up for it on the fly
As for the quality of the homework, it's simply a scribble without even reading the questions...
After a few times, the teacher directly reported to the mother that the child "often does not hand in homework", and the mother also hated the child's lying behavior
Thus, the opening scene appeared
Later, after the anger was gone, the mother asked the child why he lied again and again
At first, the child kept his mouth shut, and when you asked him, he didn't say anything, and he didn't say anything until his mother softened his tone
It turns out that the main reason why girls like to lie is to avoid responsibility, fear of being punished by their mother, and even more afraid of seeing their mother's disappointed eyes
This is the problem of the child, and the problem of the parent is reflected
Children may like to lie and are not honest and trustworthy children, but is it the child's character behind lying, or is it influenced by the parenting environment?
From the point of view of the child's growth characteristics, it is more of the latter
If we don't want our children to lie from an early age, then parents must take the lead in setting a good example and let children know what to do and what not to do
Setting a good example and keeping the bottom line is the key to educating children well
05
The child is not satisfied
It shows that parents are too spoiled
Some people say that to raise a child, it is enough to "give what the child wants".
It is no exaggeration to say that those children who are rebellious, talk back, and can't be satisfied at every turn are raised in this way
Xiao Ruan, a single mother, is a delicate mother
Because her daughter doesn't have a father, she has basically been satisfying her children since she was a child
Especially when the child often asks: "Where is my father", "Where is my father", "Does he want me anymore", my mother only feels guilty
In order not to make the child feel inferior due to the lack of father's love, the mother also tries to be materially satisfied
What the other kids had, the girl basically had everything
What other children don't have, as long as the child speaks, it is basically satisfied without saying a word
I thought that in such an environment, the child's heart should be rich and full of security
Unexpectedly, the girl who has been used to being satisfied since she was a child has a very low psychological tolerance
Whether at home or outside, as long as something is not satisfied, the tears come out all of a sudden
Once, because the girl didn't buy a new shoe, she locked herself in her room when she got home, and even went on a hunger strike to force her mother to compromise
Listening to my mother's complaints, a conclusion immediately came to my mind: they are all habitual
Indeed, the so-called sense of security in the child's heart is not how much the parent gives materially, but the child's sense of self-existence in something or something
For example, if we give the child ten yuan to buy something by themselves, on the one hand, we can exercise the child's financial quotient ability, and on the other hand, let the child experience a sense of accomplishment in feeling, participation and practice
Therefore, the secret of educating children is to "don't let the child be too satisfied", add some challenges appropriately, and then accompany the child to achieve the goal
This process is also more meaningful than directly satisfying the child~
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on the topic of children's problems "usually come from the parents' educational cognition"? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!