N Haidu all-media reporter Liu Xiaoling
Memorial: Su Guowen
Attn: Dad
Dad, you've been gone for more than three years. In the past three years, I have searched and searched and searched and I can't find the right language to talk to you, and I have picked up the pen many times, but I can't write a word, and I don't even dare to look at some photos hidden on my phone. As time went on, I was slowly relieved, and suddenly I was "glad" that you didn't live with us in the last six or seven years, so until now, I still feel that you are just running your own small business outside: renting a small shop in Dehua County, selling some herbs, and helping people treat "flying snake" (shingles), especially "flying snake", a disease that is particularly difficult to treat in the hospital, is easy to catch in your hands, and it can be solved once or twice.
It's another year of Qingming, I opened your granddaughter's language book, and was attracted by "Father's Love Boat", just more than two pages of articles, with me to remember you in my memory, there are a lot of things I want to talk to you about. I believe that these words will be sent to you on the boat of "missing".
Behind you is a deep love
Dad, do you know? I especially want to talk to you about the different firsts you gave me, that is, those firsts, which stirred my heart and inspired me to move forward again and again.
You kicked me out of the house for the first time. Herding cattle was one of the chores I had to do when I was a child, once or twice was fresh, I was really reluctant to do it for a year, two, four years, five years, many children have their own play time, and I and some of the children in the neighborhood spent most of the time with cows when I was a child. Even when I went to school, I still spent my holidays and afternoons after school herding and looking for cattle, so digging herbs, picking wild fruits, mowing grass, looking for dead branches, digging winter bamboo shoots, and shouting in the mountains were my strengths. I dare to tell you these things now. One afternoon after school, I went to the mountains to look for a cow, but the cow was not found, so I went home first when it was dark, and a series of events happened later, and I can't remember it now. I just remember that in the end, you were so angry that before you had dinner, you took a basket with two bowls and two pairs of chopsticks, and kicked my brother and me out of the house, telling us to go out and "beg" and fend for ourselves. My brother and I did as you wished, carrying the basket, and without looking back, went to the uninhabited house on the hill and hid. As the night gets deeper and deeper, you finally relent, and you find and shout at home. Later, as I grew up, I slowly understood your behavior, especially now that I am also a father: fathers love their children, but when children make mistakes, they must let children learn to bear the consequences in some way with memory. In this way, the child can grow up and endure the tribulation. Maybe it's not necessarily the right way, but it works.
The first time you whipped me with a bamboo to go to school. In the first grade, I didn't know how to study and was very afraid to go to school. So, I didn't dare to go to school every day, and I didn't want to go to school. One day you finally got angry and couldn't bear it, holding a bamboo whip in one hand and my arm in the other, pulling me and whipping me at the same time, I don't know how long I walked for more than a kilometer, I don't know how many times I was beaten, and I was already late for school. You leave me outside the classroom and go. And I took advantage of your walk away, and ran away from the other road, and along the way, I was afraid that others would see me, so I pretended to have an injured foot and limped home. When I got home, and before you arrived, my mother found out about me and hid me in your father's bed and let me sleep. I didn't go to school that afternoon, I don't know what you think, maybe you don't know the specifics, maybe there's a big movement brewing.
A father's love is like a mountain, inspiring me to keep changing
For the first time, you asked me to put a sow in the mountains. On the second day of not going to school, it rained heavily in the morning, and after eating, you did not ask me to go to school, but took out the hat and the coat of the family, put the hat on my little head, and draped the coat on my short body, and took me out, and then drove the sow that was a little "crazy" at home, until I was halfway up the mountain, and on one side of this mountainside was the sweet potato field. When you arrive at your destination, you leave a stern sentence and go down the mountain: "You can't go home until noon, you can't eat other people's sweet potatoes, otherwise you won't eat at noon." "In the mountains, the terrible rain made me feel extremely lonely and dead, I was lonely, I didn't see anyone for most of the day, only I watched the restless sow in the forest, chasing from east to west, the rain wet me, tears mixed together...... I stayed up until the smoke rose at the bottom of the mountain, knowing that it was noon, and exhaustion, fear, and determination left a deep imprint on my body and mind. Half a day is a long time, the journey home is also a long time, when I get home, I stand in front of you and promise: I will study hard in the future. That's when I really studied hard. It's something that has affected my whole life, and it's the one thing you've done very right, Dad, thank you so much.
You encouraged me for the first time. In my impression when I was a child, you always had a strained face, looked very strict, and you didn't say much inner words, and you didn't dare to sit down with you to eat, and you didn't take the initiative to let you know the test results of natural learning, do you know? I scored 14 points in the first grade of mathematics in the first grade of primary school, and 21 points in the second grade, and I couldn't write the Chinese pinyin "w" and "u", and I wrote "my father is a little cabbage" in a sentence...... You don't know any of these things, but I remember them very well, and that's why I didn't dare go to school. I always think you're scolding, harsh, drinking, smoking...... Therefore, there are often thoughts of not wanting to go home. Once, on the way to school, I fell badly on a bicycle, and I had a big opening in the corner of my eye, a lot of blood, and my face was worn out. Because I was afraid of you, I still insisted on going to class, and only went to the clinic after school, and I had a lot of stitches in the corners of my eyes, and I went home after treatment, for fear of being reprimanded by you. That's it, I'm afraid that you've been all the way to high school, and you didn't do well in the third year of high school, and after the parent-teacher meeting, you didn't reprimand you at all, but said: It's okay, if you continue to work hard next time, you will definitely get good results. It was this sentence of encouragement that made my "fear" of you disappear without a trace, and I feel that you have changed.
There are many, many firsts, the first time you took me to drink and made me drunk, the first time you took me to town to buy clothes but didn't make it, the first time you fried rice noodles at 4 a.m., the first time you sent me to college......
Dad, you have played different roles in my life in one way or another, and it is the first time that these words have been more or less, and they have split the thorns and swept away the dust again and again for the road of my life. Maybe you don't think it's worth mentioning, but twenty or thirty years later, you can still remember it clearly, and you still strive to move forward, maybe it's the power that these first times engraved in your mind.
Although I have been a father for more than ten years, I always ask for your advice at some critical times, and you always guide me with wise and just right advice. Now, I can't hear your voice anymore, and I can only communicate with you in my dreams without words.
For the past three years, I have been trying to write to you about these seemingly trivial words and write about my innermost memories, but I can't write them down.
Now, as you wish.
Dad, before you left, you didn't leave a word, I think you must have left without regrets, and you must not want to leave us with sadness......
Editor: Xiao Xiao