3 wrong parenting styles are hurting children, I hope you don't account for any of them, parents take a look

Author: Zilian Haiyan (Parents Intensive Reading Author)

A father's practice of educating his daughter in Guangdong has attracted angry praise from many netizens.

His daughter took a "VIP card" given by her classmates and said that according to the rules of her classmates, she could stamp it and redeem it for gifts when it was full.

When ordinary parents hear it, they will think that it is a joke between children, and they forget about the laughter.

But this father is very vigilant, he does not want his daughter's behavior and thinking to be dominated by her peers, let alone fall into the behavioral trap set by others.

So, he bought hundreds of seals and gave them to his daughter, and solemnly said to his daughter: "You are my Royal Highness the Princess, whenever you want something, either you can find a way to buy it yourself, or let your father buy it, don't ask anyone else for anything." ”

Many netizens said: "Support this father, this kind of small task will start from writing, and slowly develop more and more excessively, even illegal." ”

When one day, parents are surprised by their child's extreme thoughts or perverse behavior, don't forget that the child's change is never sudden, but hidden in the details of daily life.

As Qu Baoqin, a national model parent, said: "Children have always been sensitive and tender, and their growth requires not only material abundance, but also parents' sincerity in life and intentions for their children." ”

It is true that there is no trivial matter on the road of children's growth, and parents need to carefully observe their children's words and deeds, keenly capture children's emotional signals, and give children help or guidance in a timely manner.

Smart parents will avoid the following three parenting modes to escort the happy growth of their children.

 Nanny-style parenting

Makarenko, a well-known Soviet educator, said: "If parents do not love their children enough, their children will feel pain, but if they spoil too much, their children will be destroyed." ”

In real life, there are many parents who are responsible for their children, do everything, and take care of them everywhere. As a result, once the child leaves the "protected area" of his parents, he is repeatedly frustrated and unable to stand on his own feet.

See such a true story.

A girl lives in a tightly controlled family.

Her parents took care of her meticulously, and from childhood to adulthood, she did more things to replace.

Girls basically stretch out their hands for clothes and open their mouths for food.

Even, parents are worried that she will "suffer" when playing with other children, so they rarely let her contact with the outside world and always interact with familiar people in a familiar environment.

When girls are in kindergarten, separation anxiety develops and lasts for a very long time.

This shows that the child's ability to adapt to group life is weak, but the parents do not take it seriously and ignore this signal.

As a result, the girl has not learned the correct interpersonal mode.

When she was in junior high school, the girl did not know how to deal with verbal attacks from her classmates, and her relationship with her classmates became worse and worse, and she was even bullied.

But the mother only thinks that the child is too good and is jealous of his classmates.

Every time I pick up my daughter from school, my parents always ask for warmth, ask about her studies, and provide all the "logistics support".

In their opinion, as long as the child is healthy and takes care of his studies, nothing else matters.

Gradually, the girl developed somatization symptoms, such as headache, neurogastroenteritis, inexplicable diarrhea, etc.;

These symptoms are becoming more frequent, and children often take long hours off work when they are in high school.

In order for her to be admitted to university, her parents made the decision to transfer her to an art class.

When filling out the application, the girl had already chosen a school and major, but her parents did not consult her and secretly changed schools and majors.

When the girl entered the university, out of resistance to school and major, coupled with the unpleasant relationship with her classmates, the girl began to avoid school, and finally developed to suspend school.

The overly arranged love of parents finally becomes a pit that children can't get out of, and this result is thought-provoking.

If parents only pay attention to their children's clothing, food, academic performance, etc., and take care of their children like nannies, this is actually a low-quality parenting style.

Revolutionary Liu Shaoqi especially advocated the "method of management and release": the first is to manage the children, and the other is to release.

What does it mean to let go? Things that endure hardships and stand hard work, and things that have seen the world through wind and rain, must be let go and let the children do it.

In this way, the child may have to fall, but only by doing so can they be exercised and grow up better.

In other words, parents need to play the role of "coach", understand the law of their children's development, guide their children to deal with problems in the process of growth, and provide "tailor-made" guidance and psychological energy for their children.

Smart parents have both the wisdom of "management" and the foresight of "putting".

Judge-style parenting

In the book "Psychology of Children's Emotions", it is written:

"Many parents ask their children according to their own wishes, do not take into account the psychological needs of the children, ignore the emotional changes of the children, as a result, the children do not understand the painstaking efforts of the parents, and the parents do not understand what the children are thinking, which naturally causes great harm to both parties. ”

When parents demand their children according to their own judgment standards and force their children to act according to their own ideas, they will only push their children further and further away.

In the hit drama "Fireworks", there is such a mother Meng Mingwei.

She always uses the excuse of "I am from the past, everything I do is for your good, and it is right to listen to me", regardless of her daughter Li Yijin's thoughts and methods, and forcibly "unilaterally export maternal love".

Li Yijin's classmate Feng Yanyan couldn't speak clearly, but Li Yijin could understand her words.

So, Li Yijin answered questions for Feng Yanyan as an interpreter during class, and the two shared snacks and played games together during class, and the relationship was very good.

After Meng's mother found out, she didn't care about the children's feelings, pulled her daughter home in public, and sternly warned her daughter: "Don't play with her in the future, it will affect your studies!"

When her classmates all had a QQ number, Li Yijin didn't have her own number because she didn't have a computer, and a boy took the initiative to help her apply for QQ and gave her a drifting bottle.

Because the drifting bottle had the words "I like you" on it, Meng's mother chased after the head teacher and made sure to find the boy, causing the boy to never talk to Li Yijin again.

In this way, Meng's mother wanted to control her daughter from childhood to adulthood and let her daughter walk on the track in her heart.

Li Yijin is often on the verge of collapse and wants to escape from her at any time.

This kind of love is really suffocating.

If parents do not regard their children as independent individuals and interfere and control their children too much, they will push their children into the abyss of pain without knowing it.

Not every "good for you" can really make a child better.

In the book "Self-Driven Growth", it is written: "I hope that parents can understand that they should see themselves as their child's advisor rather than his boss or manager, and say 'you decide' to their child as much as possible." ”

A good advisor will only grasp the key issues and provide advice, and will not influence the client's decision.

Similarly, good parents will provide guidance and support to their children, but will leave the decision to their children.

Smart parents don't be the judge of their children, they only serve as counselors to their children.

Spoilt for curry

Charlotte Mason, a famous British educator, once said:

"Many parents are always on the go and never have time to take care of their children. When they finally want to take good care of their children one day, they find that they are unable to communicate with their children, and parents have become insignificant to their children. ”

When children are young, they always love their parents unconditionally and look forward to their parents' loving responses.

However, many parents are busy with their careers and ignore their children's emotional needs on the grounds that "their children are still young and will understand when they grow up".

As children grow up, they no longer need their parents to accompany them.

But the intimacy that is longed for but can't be achieved has become a lifelong regret for children.

Yuzu, the little girl in the neighborhood, is a distressing child.

Her parents were busy with work, so they left her in the care of her grandmother.

Her parents rarely spend time with her, and on weekends she often either works overtime or spends time with clients.

Even if they are occasionally at home, they let their grandmother play with their children.

Yuzu, who is in the middle class, speaks in a slurred manner, and when she encounters something she is not satisfied with, she will not express it in words, but will cry when she opens her mouth.

In the playground of the community, she always hides timidly behind her grandmother, looking enviously at other children who have parents to play with.

Yuzu's parents don't seem to care much about Yuzu, but when Yuzu cries and asks for toys, they basically respond to their needs.

Yuzu receives this kind of "love" that keeps her distance, and there is always a "sense of alienation" between her and her parents.

Children who do not receive parental love and companionship find it difficult to establish a close emotional connection with their parents, easily develop low self-esteem, establish a negative self-perception, and are likely to use inappropriate ways to obtain recognition and emotional needs from the outside world.

Writer Zhang Ailing is like this, her extremely loveless childhood made her sensitive and inferior, cautious.

Even though she was hurt by Hu Lancheng many times, she was still like a moth to a fire, grabbing the little love he gave.

In the process of children's growth, they need not only toys, but also the attentive companionship of parents, the cultivation of life skills, the restraint of behavioral norms, and the guidance of receiving people and things......

The famous educator Sukhomlinsky once said:

"Educating a child begins with a careful, caring and thoughtful approach that begins with reaching the child's heart. Being considerate and caring for children from the details of life is the best way to enter the hearts of children. ”

Parents need to be attentive to their children's lives, guide them in an appropriate way, and give just the right amount of love.

Smart parents are not spectators of their children's life journey, but guardians of their children's growth.

Psychologist Michael Thompson once said:

"Childhood needs an end, and it is the responsibility of parents to cultivate their children's independence and cultivate their children's ability to protect themselves, so that they can leave the safe arms of their parents and pursue higher-level adventures and challenges independently. ”

Different parenting models pave the way for children to have different backgrounds in life.

And a happy childhood is the medicine that heals a lifetime.

Smart parents will choose to raise their children happily and let their children have a bright background.

May our children, with the help of their parents, rush to where they want to go.

About the author: Zilian Haiyan, the author of Fushu, if a person wants to succeed, not to be hindered, not to be tempted, this is the shielding force, article: Mom and Dad Evolution, Fushu has launched the 4th new book, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, it may not be reprinted, and infringement must be investigated

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