The ancient Greek philosopher Plato once said, "Of all animals, boys are the most difficult to tame, because they are not yet able to regulate the source of reason in them." ”
Yes, the boy's mood is like a June day, and it changes when it is said.
Among them, the joys and sorrows of adolescent boys are particularly strong.
How tiger are adolescent boys when they have emotional outbursts?
Recently, there was a shocking scene in the Beijing subway station.
A 15-year-old boy was addicted to playing with his mobile phone and was stopped by his mother, so he got into an argument with his mother.
In a fit of rage, my mother picked up her phone and slammed it to the ground.
At this point, the boy completely lost his mind, rushed forward and raised his foot and kicked his mother hard and again, trying to jam her neck......
Fortunately, the heated altercation was quickly stopped by the subway staff.
The boy's hysterical appearance and angry beating of his mother made people feel both chilling and helpless.
A tall boy is no longer a child who can be suppressed by a few angry words. Fight, his strength is greater than yours, and if you don't, he will be indifferent to your persuasion.
"Half the size, angry to death", revealing the bitterness and powerlessness of many parents to discipline adolescent boys.
How to accompany the boy through the rebellious period safely has become an unspeakable pain for many parents.
The adolescence of boys is not only a difficult period for parents to raise children, but also a critical period for parents to change their education methods.
Children in the period of brain remodeling, "love" is against their parents
American writer Mark Twain said, "When I was 14 years old, I felt like my father didn't know anything, and I couldn't bear to be in the company of this old man." ”
Adolescent boys have "very familiar" bodies and "eight-ripe" brains, and always feel that they have grown up, have mature thoughts, and make decisions better than their "old-fashioned" parents.
As a result, the half-grown son is like a powder keg, always testing his parents' bottom line, expanding his parents' lung capacity, and expanding his parents' minds......
Recently, a friend has a headache about his son.
My son is in his second year of junior high school, and his academic performance has recently declined severely, and he usually ranks in the middle of the class, but this time he has become the bottom of the class.
The friend was furious and couldn't help but reprimand him.
Unexpectedly, the child quietly ran away from home that night.
This can make my friend anxious, and call the police quickly.
Finally, with the help of the police, he was able to find the child in a nearby internet café.
When the child returned home, he did not want to talk to his parents, so he walked into the room with an indifferent expression and locked the door.
The anger of my friend is like hitting cotton, and my heart is even more panicked.
Source: Visual China
Adolescent boys, as if grasping the lifeblood of your anger, can make your stomach jump up and down with two random strokes.
You ask him to do his homework, he has to watch TV, you remind him to pay attention to his eyesight, and he angrily says, "My eyes are good, don't worry about it!"
But if he says it to the point, he can make you want to break off the parent-child relationship......
Half-sized, as if every pore is full of "can't be provoked".
After repeated conflicts, parents either humble themselves to the dust, or continue to fight wits and courage with their children, escalating the confrontation step by step.
Why is it difficult for adolescent boys to live peacefully with their parents?
Wang Zhanjun, director of the Chinese Society of Education, pointed out:
"Adolescent children are all about autonomy and dignity, and if their parents don't give them this opportunity, stage, and space, they will behave more excessively, and even build their own moats to isolate their parents. ”
As they enter puberty, a child's cranial nerves develop rapidly and produce dramatic changes, causing the space they need to grow to expand dramatically.
In the eyes of children, the kind reminder and care of parents is to underestimate their ability and control them in disguise.
So, with a "provocative" behavior, they can't wait to "push out" their parents and fight for a larger private sphere for themselves.
Source: Visual China
Under the cloak of "rebellion" lies the child's desire for growth and love
"Maverick, stubborn, rebellious, emotionally impermanent" seems to have become synonymous with adolescent boys.
This reminds me of a term in psychology – "self-identity".
It refers to the fact that we spend our lives working to understand who we are, to be clear about our abilities and limitations, to be clear about our beliefs and values, and to know how we fit into the society around us.
The key developmental task of adolescence is to focus on self-identity.
Driven by their self-identity, they frequently make "bad" decisions: skipping school, fighting...... You point to the east, and he goes to the west.
Therefore, children are not without reason, it is just that their actions are strongly motivated by things that are important to them at the time.
Recently, my cousin-in-law complained to me that her son Xiaokun, who is in the second grade of junior high school, is too rebellious and she is going crazy.
On the weekend before the end of last semester, he was supposed to be at home studying for exams, but he went out for a day of fun with his friends.
My cousin-in-law said a few words to him, thinking that he could be more restrained, but who knew that he had become even more intense, and said that he had been a little "isolated from the world" before.
My cousin-in-law is very worried, why did my son, who was originally very well-behaved, suddenly change his sex? The second year of junior high school is a critical period, if this continues, can he still be admitted to a key high school?
In fact, from the perspective of psychological motivation, Xiaokun is creating his own identity and trying to find a balance between academic and social development.
Because his academic performance has always been good, Xiaokun chose the latter after weighing the academic value and social value. But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about his academic performance.
Adolescent boys, under the influence of immature emotional brains and self-identity, often make irrational behaviors, which are actually signals that they are speeding into the adult world in the bumps.
If parents can understand their children's intentions and motivations, they will help them empathize with them and guide them to clear boundaries.
Source: Visual China
In the book "Decoding Adolescence", it says:
"In adolescence, the mutation of body and mind is like a violent storm. Every child who seems rebellious and unapproachable needs strong support from their parents. ”
Studies have shown that adults who are trusted by adolescents are the best people to teach them about emotional regulation.
The child with cold eyebrows or arrogant eyes is actually in the midst of a torrent of emotions.
If the parents are deceived by appearances and leave the child aside, then the child will be left alone.
If parents stay by their children's side with a calm mood and provide a safe space for their children to learn emotional regulation, then they will be able to regulate their emotions more smoothly next time.
When a child does something that is contrary to their parents' expectations, parents need to calm down, listen to their children's ideas, and try to understand their position.
At the same time, parents should agree with their children through open and peaceful communication when expressing their expectations, giving them age-appropriate autonomy and setting appropriate boundaries and rules, and taking responsibility for unacceptable behavior.
In this way, parents give their children enough love and support, so that children can strike a balance between safety and exploration, and move forward smoothly.
Source: Visual China
When faced with adolescent boys, parents may wish to do 3 things
Adolescence is the period when children move from naivety to maturity, and it is also a time of rapid growth in self-awareness, dissatisfied with the safety fence that their parents have created, and strive to rush into the wider world.
This requires parents to create a new model of parenting that allows the adolescent boy to receive the care he deserves and gives him the space to develop his independence.
To meet this daunting challenge, parents may want to start with the following three things:
1. Say more "useless" words
Adolescent boys pursue a broader, freer world, and in the era of information explosion and value explosion, children will only identify with people who are on the same frequency as themselves.
If parents only focus on their studies and do not leave their studies, their children will inevitably feel bored.
If you want to get into your child's heart, you may want to talk about the topics that your child is interested in, such as favorite movies, favorite songs, interesting things around you, and recent happy or confused things......
These "useless" words hide the child's world view, outlook on life, and values, as well as the child's joy and trouble, and reflect the child's real situation.
Only when parents stand beside their children and see the world side by side with their children, can they have more common language with their children and truly enter their children's hearts.
Source: Visual China
2. Treat your child as a pillar of support
In the book "Inferiority and Transcendence", it says: "Adolescent children crave freedom, respect, responsibility, and decision-making. ”
Adolescent boys have the courage to explore the boundaries of their abilities and dare to take responsibility.
At this time, parents should not only respect their children's right to know, take the initiative to inform their children of family affairs, and let children participate in family decision-making, but also give their children the right to make their own choices about their own affairs.
Parents can discuss with their children more and make them feel valued, which can not only greatly protect their children's self-esteem and self-confidence, but also stimulate their children's potential.
Through family participation, children's ability to analyze and solve problems is strengthened, and children's sense of responsibility and responsibility become stronger in each choice.
In a harmonious family atmosphere, children feel respected, and the so-called "rebellion" will naturally become less and less.
3. Find good guides for your child
The British scholar Fielding said: "Models are more inferred in people's hearts faster and more strongly than education." ”
A role model is an example that brings us positive influence and positive energy, and can inspire us to be good and upward.
In adolescence, which is malleable but confused, children especially need a role model to guide them to find the goal of their efforts and the direction of their struggle.
There is a saying: "Whoever can influence my children, I will take them to meet them." ”
Parents become the guide of their children, or help their children find experts in various fields, so that children can experience the hard work and perseverance behind success.
A good guide can have a profound impact on children, provide them with wisdom and strength, and motivate them to move forward.
Source: Visual China
Write at the end
Lawrence Cohen, an American clinical psychologist, said:
"Adolescence always ends. If you have a close relationship with your child, your child will come back to you as an adult, and you will have a great influence on him.
However, if you always criticize him, refute him, and demand him, the parent-child relationship is destroyed, and when he becomes an adult, it will be difficult for you to influence him anymore. ”
Adolescence is a project under construction, full of challenges and unknowns, but also contains infinite possibilities.
At the same time, it also brings a severe test to the parenting style of parents.
Excellent parents, always in the process of accompanying their children's growth, constantly recharge and expand themselves, give their children stable support with love and companionship, and give their children enough space to grow up with guidance and decent exit.
May adolescent boys grow into true men at the critical period of personality formation, under the proper guidance of their parents!
Source: Visual China
Author: Zilian Haiyan, Source: WeChat public account New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy).