The circle of friends is full of travel photos, is it really broken off this Spring Festival?

Text | Mi Li's mother

This year, everyone coincided with the appearance of a group outing, and the entire circle of friends was neatly lined with nine-picture travel photos. I know that it is the New Year, and those who don't know think it is the May Day and Eleventh day holidays.

Almost half of my friends and colleagues have gone out to play, and many of them have left in their Chinese New Year's Eve, completely ignoring traditional customs as nothing.

It's really interesting.

This swarm of tourism boom is expected to continue from this year. In the Spring Festival in the future, it may no longer be every household at home watching the Spring Festival Gala and making dumplings.

After feeling the mask, an era has passed. The era of rushing to my hometown in the tide of the Spring Festival no matter what, has passed like this.

Instead, there is a "fatal question and answer" on the whole Internet that ridicules relatives, and everyone would rather cut off their relatives than accept the judgment of relatives with bad intentions.

Everyone began to live for themselves, and they all began to understand that as an independent individual, we do not need to be kidnapped by any conventional concept of morality.

We need to love ourselves and our loved ones more, and those who are inconsequential and ill-intentioned family exchanges are not to leave.

In fact, Mi Li's mother really thinks this is a good thing, because only the family affection that is carefully screened out is true love. This kind of love is oriented towards tolerance and compatibility, and fellow relatives should be more able to empathize with our joys, sorrows, and sorrows, and this is the only truly meaningful relationship.

Rather be expelled from the family tree

In the days of the Chinese New Year, Mi Li's mother saw a hot search, talking about a Shandong girl who did not go home during the Chinese New Year, and stayed directly in the rental house in the city where she worked.

She especially emphasized that it was not that she did not want to go home for the New Year, but that she simply "did not want to go home!"

She has no travel plans, and she doesn't have anything important to do, she just doesn't want to go home, so she just doesn't go back.

This girl is still from Shandong. Everyone knows that for Shandong people, the public examination is the glory engraved in the genes.

She laughed at herself that people like her, who work freelance, are almost 30 years old, are unmarried and have no children, and who have not returned home for the New Year, are no different from being expelled from the family tree.

Many friends asked her, "Don't you miss home?"

She replied unabashedly, "Not at all." ”

As for the reason, her explanation is also very true:

"Maybe I don't want to see my parents busy and I have to pretend to be a qualified child. ”

Indeed, everyone has their own aspirations. Every child is an individual, and when they become adults, they should have the right to choose how they want to live.

Parents have ingrained notions like shackles, they will tell you that there is no future without marriage and childbearing, and that freelancing is equivalent to not having a job and will become the laughing stock of others.

When their hopes for you are only to get married, have children, and get into the establishment, the standards you don't meet will become the reason for their disappointment.

Can such an aura still make people comfortable? Is there still a New Year's flavor in such a year?

In fact, we have long been accustomed to whitewashing the peace. I obviously can't agree with the values of my parents, but when I get together, I have to accept their cruel judgment out of filial piety.

After the New Year, I still return to that familiar and unfamiliar city and continue to work, so what is the meaning of all this?

Today's young people really don't want to pretend anymore. Because looking for comfort zones is everyone's instinct.

If the Chinese New Year is equivalent to accepting the cynicism of parents and friends, it is equivalent to an accusation and complaint, then it is just good, after all, it is not easy all year round.

Impose in the name of love

This Shandong girl, who did not go home for the New Year, also talked about her experience of spending the Spring Festival outside last year.

At that time, she was in a village in Yunnan, surrounded by strangers from all over the world.

Although everyone didn't know each other, she felt the strong flavor of the New Year like never before.

Because everyone is celebrating the holiday, not focusing on status, income, marriage and childbirth.

In fact, no one doesn't like festivals, because that sense of ritual is full of deep bonds between people, as well as the most real thoughts between relatives who have not seen each other for a long time.

But if this sense of ritual changes its taste, or even becomes a kind of kidnapping, and bullying of a person's emotions, then everyone will instinctively avoid it, because everyone has the will to survive.

If you can get that sense of security and ritual back home, who wants to hide in a distant village to celebrate a holiday with strangers?

Mi Li's mother always feels that the love imposed on others is not love, at most it is a selfish desire in the name of love.

I remember when I was a child, as the only child in the entire Beijing family (the only one in this generation), I was asked by my elders to urge my uncle who did not marry to marry during the Spring Festival, and even to give birth to my aunt who did not have children (my aunt was older and not very old).

Every year, adults ask me to do things around the bush, such as when toasting and playing cards. At the time, I thought I was quite clever, but now I think about it, I am really speechless. Could it be that they will get married and have children because of a few words from their children? Isn't this a blockage?

I saw a subject talking about a conversation between himself and his mother before.

He worked hard to save some money and spent 7.5k to reward himself with a computer, intending to treat himself. As a result, when I happily talked to my mother about it, my mother's reply was:

"You have to use this computer to work and study well. ”

Probably from childhood to adulthood, this subject has been living in this kind of misplaced conversation. You can't say that the mother doesn't love him, but this kind of completely ignoring the child's feelings, not empathizing at all, and only caring about his own attitude will really make the child stay away.

In fact, not every parent has a mature mind.

A mature and well-educated adult should be fully capable of adjusting his language according to the other person's state on necessary occasions, and speak as much as possible to take into account the other person's feelings, rather than picking on ugly words.

Many parents obviously can't do that.

On the contrary, they will be as inexplicable as children, and even need to be tolerated by their children. At the slightest disagreement, they will be furious, unable to accept that the child does not listen to himself, has his own thoughts, and even shows very strong offensive and violent tendencies.

This kind of "for your good" imposed on others is even like a kind of regression, and the kind of irritability is like a baby's crying hysterically when its demands cannot be met.

But if you think about it, why do children have to live as their parents expect? If they just don't want to take the public entrance examination, or they don't want to get married and have children, then are they destined to suffer verbal violence constantly?

Ni Kuang once famously said:

"Humanity is able to progress because the next generation does not listen to the previous generation. ”

In many cases, the experience-based "good for you" of the previous generation does not necessarily apply to the new social environment and the context of the times in which the children live.

Just like when I decided to go abroad before, Grandma Mi Li absolutely voted against it.

At that time, Grandma Mi Li washed her face with tears all day long, and often drove to the door of the house, did not go home, sat in the car and cried, which made her best friend think that Mi Li's grandfather had cheated, and ran to question him together (Mi Li's friends are really good).

I called Grandma Mi Li every day to reason with her, and I felt that I had made it clear and she had figured it out. The next day, think about it and cry again.

One day a small quarrel, three days a big quarrel, I spent a year convincing her. If it weren't for this, I would have been able to apply to a better school.

But despite Mi Li's grandmother disagreeing, she still compromised in the repeated self-struggle. I think the greatest love my parents have for me is respect and fulfillment.

It is also because of the support of my family that I was able to travel lightly to go to the life I wanted.

Decide for yourself the background color of your life

Psychologists once commented on parents who are in control:

"They wear a mask in the name of morality, which binds their children's desire for life itself. ”

In the eyes of controlling parents, children will never grow up, and they will always need planning and protection. As everyone knows, this kind of control without a sense of boundaries will only lead to harm in the end.

Excessive parental control over children is, in the final analysis, a manifestation of self-interest. Because they really don't empathize with their children's needs, they only see their own expectations for their children, and this expectation is actually their own needs.

In fact, it is difficult for parents' concepts to be consistent with their children's, and even most parents' imagination of their children's future plans is different from that of their children themselves.

The girl who didn't want to go home for the New Year should also be unwilling to face this unsolvable discomfort, so she chose to spend the New Year alone outside.

In the recently aired new drama "Fireworks People", Xu Fan's mother is this suffocating control freak.

Xu Fan's daughter is played by Ma Sichun, who was forced by her mother to cut her hair as a punishment when she was a child. The daughter's formative years are like walking on thin ice, and any wind and grass will rise to a violent storm.

Especially for the problem of early love, he directly relied on forcibly cutting off his daughter's hair to achieve a terrifying sense of warning. It seems that a girl's love of beauty is the original sin, and it is a challenge to her mother.

Later, the adult daughter just wanted to escape from her original family and got a boyfriend, but she still wanted to get married despite the fact that the man's family also had a bunch of problems and difficulties.

Later, her boyfriend asked her a question that hit the soul:

"Do you want to marry me, do you really want to marry me, or do you want to get rid of your mother quickly?"

If the parent-child relationship comes to this point, really, severing the relationship is indeed the only way to go. We love our children, we never control them, these are two different things.

Suffocating control will not reap satisfactory results, but will make children more rebellious, and they have to escape from their original family as soon as they have the opportunity, as long as they can escape from this suffocation, they can do anything.

But home is the only safe island for every child, and this island is not safe, where can they hide?

So under the boom of family breaking, these young people who want to open really dare not go home for the New Year. But family affection should be a real existence, because this is the indispensable and most desired sense of security in everyone's genes.

Thinking of relatives every festive season is a sigh from ancient times to the present. If we can find the original intention of loving our children, be a loving mother, and give our children a real New Year, I believe that every child will still be willing to go thousands of miles to their hometown to eat this reunion dinner.

Personal Profile: @米粒妈爱分享 Mi Li's mother, American returnee, Haidian parent. Focus on learning, educational experience and further education.