Written on the front:
"Yesterday, my son forgot to bring his homework, so I sent it to school again. "My baby's table mate is not friendly, either take him eraser or give him a nickname. "Yesterday I wrote my homework until 10 o'clock, so she just didn't have to rub it off", this is what I often hear when I wait for my daughter to get out of school at the school gate. Are you familiar with this kind of complaining? Are you sometimes as helpless and anxious as these mothers?
I want to tell you that as long as we have a pair of eyes that can see the underlying logic, those difficult problems that make people helpless will be solved.
No anxiety, no involution, so that children can easily become winners in life, is the ultimate dream of every mother. For this reason, we read books and study, participate in lectures and training, in order to improve ourselves and help children succeed.
However, in life, there are often unexpected scenes that make people break their work and feel helpless:
Such a scene, I guess many families are familiar with it -
One day, on the way home from school to pick up her daughter, she was sullen all the time. I asked, "Baby, what's wrong with you?" she sighed and said, "I went out after class today to play with Chenchen, and he asked me to go back to the classroom to read, and he didn't seem to like me." "When I heard my daughter say this, I was like a big enemy, and the children didn't like my daughter? Will he be bullied? Will the teacher like her? I feel like the sky is about to fall, and I can't wait to turn around and go back to school to find out the situation.
Qiang pressed the heart that was about to jump out and returned home, and just started to write homework, and the child was in a situation again: "Mom, when my classmates send out rolls, I will be gone, and I don't know how to write my homework!!"
My heart began to twitch again: why didn't you just give me a curly for my baby? It must be that my classmates didn't like her, right? How to help my child socialize well? Countless questions were entangled and I couldn't figure it out, my heart hung in the air, and I didn't sleep well all night.
The problems in the growth of children are always endless, press the gourd to get up the scoop, one is not finished and then the other is up, the middle-aged mother has to become the captain of the fire every minute, at this time we are not only anxious, will collapse at any time, when the child will not let people worry, live a happy life.
In fact, many times, a matter that makes people anxious can be solved as long as you see its underlying logic clearly.
The first underlying logic of happiness: subject separation
Niebuhr's prayer says: "May God give me peace of mind to accept what I cannot change, may God give me the courage to change what I can, and may God give me the wisdom to discern the difference between the two." "Mother's wisdom is to train children to distinguish what is their own business, to have the courage to change, and what is to be other people's business, and to accept it calmly.
When faced with something that is difficult to do, we tend to feel frustrated and deny ourselves. In fact, at this time, we should first accept ourselves and tell ourselves: "Yes, I am such a person, I am not perfect, but I like this kind of self." "When children encounter problems, we also teach them that everyone has their own characteristics, they are all unique, and mom likes you this way.
Let's go back to my daughter's example.
I told her, "You love to read, you are delicate, and you are quiet, and these are your strengths." But just because mom likes you doesn't mean that everyone else likes you, Chenchen doesn't like to play with you, is it your business, or his?"
The daughter immediately said, "Of course it's his business." ”
I struck while the iron was hot: "Can we manage his affairs?"
My daughter was lost in thought, and after a while she said to me, "Mom, he doesn't play with me, I can't control it, I beg him to play with me for a while, it's useless." ”
"Yes, we can't take care of other people's affairs, no matter how much we want to, it's really sad. I hugged my daughter and comforted her, "However, it doesn't seem cost-effective for us to be sad about what we can't manage, we can take care of what we can." Baby, what part of today's incident is up to you?"
"I want to play with people...... Mom, I see, I can find someone else to play with. The nine-year-old daughter was stunned.
You see, by separating the subject and separating one's own business from other people's business, elementary school students can solve the problem, and the matter is surprisingly simple.
The second underlying logic of happiness: active change
Many times, it is not the objective reasons that hinder you, but the fact that you subjectively set your problems as obstacles.
There is an example in the book "The Courage to Be Hated", where a young friend dreams of becoming a novelist but is never able to write a work. He said that it was because he was too busy with work and had very limited time to write novels, so he could not write a work, and he never participated in any competitions.
But is that really the case? In fact, he wanted to retain the possibility of "if I could do it" by not going to the competition, that is, he didn't want to go out and be judged, let alone face the reality of losing the selection because of the clumsiness. He just wants to live in the possibility of "I can write as long as I have time, I can write as long as the environment has it, and I have this talent". Maybe in another 5 or 10 years, he will start using excuses like "he is no longer young" or "he already has a family".
If you want to solve a problem, you must have the courage to take steps and take the initiative to change what you can change.
It's still my daughter's business. She is an introvert and is not used to taking the initiative to play with her classmates. Then, mom has to help her build a scaffolding to help her move forward. It was my daughter's birthday in a few days, so I suggested that she invite a few classmates who she felt she could play with to come to the house, and her mother would help her prepare for the birthday party.
At the birthday party, they had a great time, and one of the classmates, when he received the call, was very excited to thank his daughter for inviting her, and now they have become inseparable good friends. Isn't it amazing that when you take a small step, there is a world of flowers hidden behind it.
It should be noted here that the help of parents is not compulsory, but helps the child to solve the problem with his own strength under the premise of separating the subject, that is, "you can take the horse to the water, but you can't force it to drink". We can build scaffolding to help children, but we must not make decisions for children.
The third underlying logic of happiness: the contribution of others
The first thing I want to say is that in the past, when we think of contribution, we often think of self-sacrifice. But Adler called people who sacrificed their lives for others "over-adapted" and warned against this.
If you gain recognition through sacrifice and internal friction, this is flattering, and in the long run, you will only be hurt more, so how can you talk about happiness?
So, how to find a balance between the two seemingly contradictory points of self-assertion and adaptation to society, and finally let yourself really get inner satisfaction and happiness?
Remember the word: others contribute.
Think about it, we can only feel a sense of belonging and a real sense of our worth when we feel that our presence or actions are beneficial to our community, that is, when we feel that "I am useful to others."
"In the Courage to Be Hated" mentions that influencing and contributing to others as partners is the contribution of others, and the essence of work is to contribute to others.
Contribution to others is not to abandon "me" and serve others, but rather to be able to appreciate the value of "me".
The difference between the contribution of others and the internal friction/sacrifice of self is that the contribution of others is logically smooth in the underlying logic, and ultimately it is to build the self and make the self stronger: I am myself, and at the same time I am also in this social relationship, I want to reflect my own value, but I am not isolated, I need to work hard, adjust myself, and establish more emotional connections with the people around me.
For example, when I do a job that no one else wants to do, people usually complain about "why don't they come to help me" or "why am I the only one who does it". However, if we think "I'm useful to my colleagues" and think about what I can do for others, rather than what others can do for me, our mood will change immediately.
By serving others, we can realize that "I am useful to others", not that they are judged to be "good", but that we are subjectively able to think that "I can contribute to others", and only then can we truly appreciate our own value.
Writer Liushen Leilei also wrote in one of his articles about Tencent people's views on doing public welfare: Many times, doing public welfare is really not for "being a good person", but for yourself.
An example is this: an employee named Yang Qiuxiong, who drives a seven-seater car, often takes others home for free; whenever he has time, he participates in public welfare at his own expense; at first he participated in the "Tengger Desert Tree Planting", and this year he went to Daliang Mountain to carry out the "Spring Bud Project" visit, and on weekends he also went to participate in activities to help the elderly, or to accompany the blind to run. Basically not idle. Recently, he just flew to Huangshan to do public welfare, and the time was 4 days of annual leave saved for the 10th anniversary of joining the company, and the air tickets and accommodation were all at his own expense.
The reason for his public welfare is for himself. Sending people home in a car will make you feel not lonely. As a driver, the social pressure is not so great, and it doesn't matter if you talk more or less, so he is happy. Public welfare is the best connection between him and society, who are afraid of social fear, can say what he doesn't usually say, know people who don't want to take the initiative to know, and go to more and farther places than walking alone.
Public welfare can also allow seemingly ordinary people to find highlights. When he usually doesn't talk much, when he arrives at a public welfare occasion, the command, coordination, and communication are all leveraged. This is called "for yourself".
We are taught from an early age to be kind to others, to learn to work as a team, to think about others, why should we do this? philosophers tell us that by contributing to others, we can finally realize the value of our own life and find the ultimate happiness in life.
In the final analysis, for others, in the end, for yourself, and for others, you will eventually get back for yourself.
Therefore, tell your children about this underlying logic: the contribution of others is the best way to realize the value of life.
Tao begets one, one begets two, two begets three, and three begets all things. Tao is the lowest logic of all things. On the road of parenting, I know that I will encounter such and such problems, but as long as I can clear the fog in front of me, see the underlying logic, first distinguish between my own business and other people's business, and then accept those that cannot be changed, actively change those that can be changed, change concepts, and realize my own value in contributing to others.
Such a mother will definitely influence her children and reap a happy life. When this concept is applied to family, work, and interpersonal relationships, many complex problems will be solved.
Author | Wang Xiao
A junior high school Chinese teacher who likes to read and think/a part-time teacher of Tongxing Academy, a mother who is not satisfied with the status quo and constantly breaks through herself, and an explorer who has the courage to abandon backward methods and pursue advanced parenting concepts.
Interactive topics
How do you understand the underlying logic of your own life? Feel free to leave a message with us to share your thoughts!
✏ 投稿 | 欢迎投递原创稿件，来稿请投邮箱：[email protected]
Reproduced | The background replies to "reprint" to obtain the authorization method