Question from a reader: Hello General, I have been talking to my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, the relationship is stable, and I plan to get married this year. I came to my boyfriend's house for the Spring Festival this year because my mom went to my stepfather's hometown (and let me go with me, but it was too far away from my place of work to buy a ticket).
I have seen my boyfriend's parents before, they are very good to me, their family atmosphere is also very harmonious, different from my family, my mother couldn't stand my father's domestic violence and divorced when I was in elementary school, and I was raised by one person (my father later stopped contacting me at all), my mother knew my stepfather when I was in college, and my stepfather was widowed and childless in his early years, and treated me like a daughter, and my mother finally lived a happy life, and I was also very pleased.
Although I grew up in a single-parent family, I didn't lack love, but I felt sorry for my mom, who suffered a lot when she was with my dad (she was beaten to the point of breaking a bone).
Our family doesn't like to bring up old things, so they divorce because they don't have the right personality, and I only told my current boyfriend about my dad's domestic violence, because I trust him very much, and I also said that I don't want others to know.
But at the party at my boyfriend's house on the first day of the Lunar New Year, my boyfriend's mother mentioned that my dad couldn't come to our wedding, and I learned that all his relatives knew that my mom was being abused.
I felt like a joke and then confronted my boyfriend by lying that I was sick to my stomach and went to the bathroom. My boyfriend said that his parents asked him about it, and he really forgot to tell them not to tell it, and his parents felt that my mother was very difficult and felt sorry for me (I can really feel this), and they also told other relatives out of kindness.
I can understand that the older generation has no sense of boundaries, and the most uncomfortable thing for me is to be backstabbed by my boyfriend, I trust him so much that I only told him, but he actually told his parents, I think he and his parents are the closest people, and I am just an outsider after all.
I told him my thoughts and feelings, and my boyfriend said that he was very understanding, but he was not thoughtful and didn't want me to feel sad about it, and he apologized to me, promising that I would not tell anyone else what I told him in the future, and that he would not mention it again after communicating with his parents and relatives.
I accepted his apology, believed that he could fulfill his promise, and believed that his parents and relatives had no ill will, but I was still disappointed in my heart.
I wouldn't break up because of this, but I don't know how to deal with my sadness and disappointment. I would like to hear the general's views and wish the general a happy New Year.
General · answer
Hello and Happy Chinese New Year.
I can fully get this feeling of backstabbing, especially when you are in his home for the New Year, surrounded by his relatives, and everything around you is not familiar to you, which may aggravate this "outsider" identity label, loss and disappointment, and also a kind of discomfort of being isolated and excluded.
But there's nothing wrong with your feelings, it's reasonable, we do naturally assume that our relationship with our partner is the most intimate, many things can only be shared with each other, and the premise of building trust between two people together is to lay a solid foundation of confidentiality.
My scars can only be revealed to you, and your wounds can only be healed by me, and we share some secrets, and we are allies who know each other best.
But confidentiality in intimate relationships is complex, and its scope needs to be discussed and negotiated to reach a consensus. For example, you don't want him to tell others about your father's domestic violence, but you and your boyfriend may have different understandings of what "others" mean. You think that everyone except you is an outsider, and he may think that his parents are not outsiders.
To take a more realistic example, you must have heard your best friend confide in you about their intimate problems, and in the process of telling the story, they will almost inevitably reveal some relatively intimate information about their partner, whether their approach is considered a breach of secrecy?
Your boyfriend's actions can be disappointing, and I think it's best not to tell his parents or ask for your consent first, but it's controversial on this matter. For example, if your boyfriend is married but he doesn't want you to tell anyone, will you tell your parents?
You don't want your boyfriend to tell your parents about domestic violence, but when your parents ask him about the reason for your parents' divorce, he is also in a dilemma, saying that the real reason has broken his trust in you, and the reason for lying to his parents has become lying.
Further, about the father's domestic violence against your mother, you also told your boyfriend without asking your mother's consent, does this break the principle of confidentiality between you and your mother?
In short, the fact that you feel hurt has been achieved, and the secrecy behind this matter is complex and needs to be discussed. In future interactions, what can be said and what cannot be said, and who can and cannot be said to whom, all need to be constantly communicated and clarified.
But there is one thing that is not controversial, his parents must have crossed the line. Even if you know the reason for your parents' divorce, you shouldn't tell other relatives, and even if you do, it's not appropriate to mention and discuss it in person.
I believe that his parents' original intentions were well-intentioned, in the concept of the previous generation, the more they cared, the more boundaries, thinking that the affairs of relatives are also the affairs of their own family, or the affairs of a big family, they did not treat you as an "outsider", so there will be no boundaries.
This point really needs your boyfriend to communicate with his family, and there must be boundaries, and there must be no unclear boundaries.
Having said that, I admire the way you handled this and your attitude. You have chosen to communicate, but you have also confronted the broken trust in your relationship, and you have the courage and willingness to endure the disappointments and disappointments in your intimate relationship while addressing them positively.
We are bound to be hurt and disappointed in the relationship, but you are not fragile, you are not trying to give up or change when you encounter problems, you can clarify the entanglements in this, and you are willing to give the other person a chance.
Not everyone can choose to stick with them when they encounter setbacks and upsets, and the ability to manage intimate relationships also includes handling differences, tolerating mistakes, and repairing rifts, and at this point, you are mature, you have the ability to manage relationships, and you do a good job.
Of course, the relationship is not repaired by you alone, but also depends on what kind of actions the other person will make, so let's wait and see.
But I like your communication, which is a kind of clarity and transparency of "talking out" and "expressing feelings" to each other, which gives me a sense of peace of mind that "everything can be solved, forgiven, and crossed". If both people are willing to express themselves so sincerely and directly, maybe there is really nothing that cannot be communicated and clarified, and hopefully it is. #情感##沟通##头条挑战创作赛#
General Guo, Master of Psychology of Beijing Normal University, National Second-level Psychological Counselor, Popular Author of Han Han [ONE], author of books "You Are Still a Stranger to Yourself" and "The World Prefers You Who Heal and Pleasure".