After the baby goes to elementary school, don't say this sentence anymore!
"Fudan genius has been wandering in the United States for 16 years" caused a stir a while ago.
One blogger interviewed a homeless man who slept on the streets of New York, with hair that looked like he hadn't washed in a month, his teeth were loose, and his clothes were wrapped in a mess.
But his identity can frighten people, this homeless man turned out to be a doctor, graduated from Fudan University, won the Lee Tsung-Dao Scholarship to study in the United States at public expense, and worked on Wall Street after graduation.
How he got into the way he is now, now there are different opinions. But one thing is for sure, he is not close to his parents at all.
Not only did his father not return to China when he died, but it was only rumored that he "sent $8,000 home", and now there are well-wishers to help, and he does not say that he will go back to see his mother, who is over eighty years old.
A typical high-IQ doctor, but he has no home at all.
I think the parents of this doctor, who trained him in the first place, must have worked hard, why did they cause such an indifferent and alienated parent-child relationship?
I can't help but think of a family education documentary "Have You Heard" produced by CCTV that I once watched, which interviewed seven groups of families, basically covering common family patterns. One of the phenomena is that children who are assertive and intelligent may not be close to their parents.
For example, the sister and brother of the same family, the elder sister often takes the first exam, and the younger brother is "a fool" in the eyes of the elder sister.
And my sister is a little colder.
But there is another point that makes people very emotional, due to various reasons, in addition to the relatively cold baby, many emotional babies are now being pushed farther and farther away by their parents.
For example, when parents talk about education, they will use the words "push on the right track" and "want him to shine in the crowd".
Although the starting point is good, the atmosphere of these families is like a powder keg that is ready to explode at any time, and some babies simply close themselves off and do not communicate their thoughts with their parents at a young age.
We often say "be good and obedient" to our children, but we often forget to listen to them.
Of course, there is, and the happiest in the documentary is a visually impaired family that is not so satisfying.
Their educational philosophy is something I would like to share with you:
"Whether we parents are the crutches that will eventually be thrown away, or whether we are pinching a plasticine, always trying to make our children what we expect, if the latter, we will become the biggest obstacle to the child's growth. ”
Do you control the baby or use it as a "crutch"? If you understand this problem, the family relationship will not be twisted.
01
An immature baby, a collapsed mother
In the Chinese family, the parent-child relationship can never escape the game of control and anti-control.
There is a boy in "Do You Hear" who is particularly impressive. Other children, whether rebellious or sensible, are especially willing to express their ideas. Only he has few words, and he has just graduated from elementary school with a "middle-aged feeling" that his aura has been exhausted.
He is also reluctant to communicate with his mother, and when asked, "Don't you think that if your mother understands your thoughts, the situation will get better", he feels that now is the best way to get along, "It's better not to talk to her than not to talk." ”
How did it get to this point?
It turned out that in my mother's eyes, Dong Dong was a poor student who was so bad in all subjects that "Nuwa couldn't make up for it", "Now I can't do three homework, what can I do with seven or eight in the future?"
In order to keep the results of the movement from falling behind, she wants to push the movement to the "right track".
First of all, he was reasonable, and if the effect was not good, he would start spanking, of course, he regretted it when he calmed down, but every time he saw his son "not angry", he still couldn't help it.
In order to make herself less impulsive, Dongdong Mom even learned to meditate and chant sutras, and hung sentences on the wall on how to communicate with her children.
But these methods do not save the dangerous parent-child relationship. From the few words that moved, you can feel that he is already a disappointed attitude towards his mother.
"What she wants to express is A, she understands B, and it is best if she can understand, but it doesn't matter if she doesn't understand"
"She always wants to put her mark on everything"
In order to adapt to such an environment, Dongdong said that he was "split" into three people, identity, emotion and thinking, identity is the role played, emotion is the initial feeling, thinking is the central processing unit, responsible for the overall coordination.
Although the mother is well-intentioned, she is really a little speechless when she forces her child to be like this.
Is it really useless to move as my mother belittled?
Actually, it's really not, the director noticed what he was good at, it turned out that he was particularly good at machine control, and there were many awards for related competitions on the wall, many of which were first prizes.
Intellectually, there is certainly no problem with movement. If you don't squeak in that test, it should be a problem with the learning method.
But judging from the results, the supervision and scolding method of moving the mother did not play a positive role, but the relationship of destruction was real.
02
"Why can't the ears of adults hear words?"
The boy who has a cool personality may have his own ideas when he reaches puberty, and his mother forces him to do something, which will only backfire, and his mother wants to "put the child on the right track" is actually a negative example.
But in the documentary, there is also a child who is lively and cute at first glance and has the potential of "pistachio", and he is also going crazy.
Doubao is a multi-talented child, who can draw, dance, piano, and Lego everything.
Emotional intelligence is also very high, and if you want to go out early, you say, "(Later) I'm worried that I will capture the drone, so you will have no children, and you will be sad and unable to eat." ”
When I quarrel with my parents, I will use very advanced words, "Without reflection and benevolence, you two adults are too much." ”
As a bystander, I think this child is really cute, and he will definitely be very "open-minded" in the future.
But Mom and Dad don't think so. Doubao has a common problem that almost all children have, and when it comes to learning, he starts talking, "Mom, I like this piano so much?" "Mom, are the bird's eggs worth anything?"
As soon as Doubao inked, my mother exploded. The voice immediately raised an octave, and he waved it in front of Doubao with the "teaching stick", "Don't kick your nose in the face!" "Can you be obedient!"
Sometimes I don't want to hear a word, "From now on, you are not allowed to speak." ”
What makes Doubao sad is that no one in this family has the patience to listen to themselves, and as soon as the mother and mother have a conflict, Dad will come to act as a peacemaker, but what he wants in his heart is to let this matter pass quickly.
"I'm sorry, I didn't listen. At that time, I just wanted to get rid of him quickly, and after calming him down, I made a cup of milk for him to drink. ”
Every time he finished yelling, Doubao couldn't help but shed tears, "I'm so fierce to me every day, I almost don't love you one day." ”
Later, when I saw the director interviewing Doubao's mother, I realized that Doubao's mother would be crazy as soon as I practiced the piano, and it turned out that it was not all because of Doubao.
She was very fond of music when she was a child, but her family was not very supportive, and once she borrowed a cassette tape from a classmate, and her father threw it away.
And the habit of yelling at children was also taken over from my parents, "My sister is married and has children, and she lives in her parents' house, and she will still be yelled at when she is 30 years old." ”
The anger that Doubao endured was actually a bit wronged.
But Doubao didn't know this, although he was often asked to shut up, he didn't blame his parents, "They murdered me because I was disobedient." ”
At most, it only asks the soul, "Why is my word being taken as a deaf ear?"
However, as Doubao grew up, Doubao's mother found that this model was not good, saying that he was playing wrong, and Doubao would retort: "Do you think I don't have eyes? ”
As soon as he nagged him, he said, "You have said that I have been for three years, when will it be my turn to say you." ”
Doubao now does not beg his mother to listen to his words, but in turn asks his mother not to speak again. I suspect that if this development continues, a baby with full feelings will "cement the heart".
Fortunately, Doubao's mother didn't have a way to go to the dark, "It seems that I really never thought about it from his point of view." After realizing that the problem is not all on the baby, Doubao's parents are already discussing and making changes.
03
"Are we crutches, or are we rubber craftsmen?"
Families full of gunpowder have one thing in common: the parental desire for control is excessive, and the more parents want to change the baby, the more the baby has to do it.
In fact, it is not difficult to make the family easier, that is, to do the opposite, less control and more trust.
The Hee-hee family doesn't look so happy, and both parents are visually impaired.
The parents regretted that they had not seen their daughter's appearance, "Hey, why can't I not see her after giving birth." "There are many inconveniences in life and study, such as going out to play, Xixi is leading the way, for example, teaching their daughters to read pinyin, which is very simple, it is difficult for them to do.
But the atmosphere of this home is obviously sunny and breathable.
When the director interviewed, they did not emphasize disciplining children, but said, "I believe in children, the first is creative, and the second is possible." ”
I am not afraid of my child making mistakes, "I think making some small mistakes will help her grow." As a parent, just watch her and don't make mistakes that have serious consequences. ”
In terms of learning that almost all parents are crazy about, they also put forward another perspective, "The core of parent-child reading is to provide her with picture books as a tool, or to accompany them? If it is the latter, then reading is okay, and it should be okay to do other things." ”
Why is their education so "unconventional"? It turns out that they noticed that when their daughter was growing up, her mood was very similar to that of people with disabilities.
Once in order to let Xixi control the sugar, they put the sugar on the very high cabinet, and then felt their daughter's sense of loss and powerlessness, they thought, isn't this the same as a person in a wheelchair?
Since then, they have always tried to put themselves in their daughter's shoes in light of their own experiences.
They gave their daughter the right to explore the world freely, such as painting on the walls of the house, helping adults with household chores at a very young age, and they allowed her to walk the last leg of her way to school on her own.
If there is anything bad, of course, there are also those who are curious, Hee Xi is curious about everything, and once stuffed a whole chili pepper into his mouth, and his spicy little face was hot and hot.
But more feedback is positive, for example, Hee-hee's self-care ability is much better than that of his peers, and he will make his own bed, fold quilts, and tidy up his room.
When they were free to explore, their daughter also gave them a lot of surprises.
There is one thing that Xixi's father remembers very clearly, once his daughter wanted to play a game of balloon throwing, but the couple couldn't see it and didn't know where the balloon was.
On a whim, the daughter put two blocks in the balloon so that her parents could hear the sound and distinguish the position. Neither of the adults thought of this solution.
Do people who are vulnerable need to be helped and taken care of for them? Xixi's parents know that they are not.
One of the happiest things about their family over the years is that during the Chinese New Year, the old man was not around, and their family of three tried a lot of new things that they had not tried before, such as being able to cut vegetables by touch, listening to the sound to judge whether the vegetables were fried or not, and Xixi's mother also tried diving.
They feel that educating children is actually the same principle, some roads need children to walk on their own, and it is okay to help him come up with ideas, but they can't walk for him, let alone make choices for him:
"How can a child learn not to walk? Believe that a child is really much stronger than you think.
More often than not, we need the best support because you can't help for a lifetime. ”