Author: Insight Su Mei Fine
Someone on Zhihu asked: What is the ideal interpersonal relationship?
Gao Zan's answer is a sentence that Liang Wendao said in "Round Table Pie":
"The ideal relationship is like the relationship between a person and a cat.
It is with you, but does not interfere with you, you must respect its space and independence, do not harass it too much, and the boundaries of everyone still exist. ”
Too close will give rise to a lot of unnecessary troubles, and too much distance will lose the joy of getting along.
There is temperature, not excessive, so that each other can have a sense of comfort.
01
My colleague Du Juan has been particularly heartwarming recently, and he has lost a lot of weight.
The reason is that she was in charge of a nossy matter:
My cousin's husband was taking a young and beautiful woman to the mall when he happened to be bumped into by a cuckoo.
The cuckoo quietly took a photo of the two and sent it to her cousin.
The cousin cried and cried and didn't know what to do, and the cuckoo watched her cousin grow up and had a deep sisterhood, so she stepped forward.
She took the initiative to come up with ideas and ways for her cousin, and got all kinds of evidence of her cousin-in-law's cheating.
And teach the cousin how to negotiate and fight for the best interests of the divorce.
As a result, a few days later, her cousin-in-law came to the door and had a big fight with her, saying that she was nosy with a mouse.
My aunt also called her and scolded her, saying that she was okay and messing around.
In the end, the cousin did not divorce, and now the two of them are like enemies when they see the cuckoo.
Du Juan was depressed and said that he was well-intentioned, but he became Zhu Bajie looking in the mirror - he was not a person inside and out.
In life, everyone has their own darkness and purity.
Interfering too much in other people's private affairs can sometimes bring unnecessary trouble to yourself.
Silence in dealing with people and judging the situation is far better than untimely enthusiasm.
Hu Shenzhi, a well-known psychological counselor, said: Once anything is excessive, it becomes a bad thing, including care.
True consideration is to give others a just right fulfillment when they need it.
Nick, the protagonist of the movie "100% Men", is full of machismo and a little blindly confident.
He enjoys giving his daughter and colleagues all kinds of care and advice.
Until one day, he suddenly had the ability to read minds, and he could understand the true thoughts of others.
He realized that in his daughter's eyes, his love and concern were actually a kind of annoying control;
In the eyes of his colleagues, his zealous actions were nothing more than self-righteous intrusion and offense.
He suddenly woke up and no longer cared indiscriminately, but won everyone's sincere love.
There is a sentence in the novel "The Man Who Stole the Shadow":
You can't interfere in someone else's life, even if it's for the other person's good, it's his life.
The more intimate the relationship, the more attention must be paid to the sense of proportion.
Many times, being overzealous is a social disaster.
02
When we think of high emotional intelligence, we immediately think of warm and thoughtful people with a warm smile on their faces.
Indifference has a face that doesn't matter to itself, and it doesn't seem to go along with high emotional intelligence.
In fact, moderate indifference is a more mature and wise way of dealing with the world after experiencing some things, seeing some human nature clearly, and having some strength.
Think about it, have you also experienced such moments:
Obviously, he was still worried about the mortgage and car loan, and his relatives called to borrow money, and without saying a word, he could only live a hard life by cutting back on food and clothing;
finally stayed up until the weekend, and just wanted to rest at home, but my friends made an appointment to go shopping together, so I had to drag my tired body out to go to the appointment;
During the dinner, he had a limited amount of alcohol, but the other party said that if he didn't drink, he wouldn't give him face, so he reluctantly drank it, and would rather go home with a stomach ache for three days than hurt his feelings.
The reason why we dare not refuse is because we are too afraid of becoming the "unsociable" one, and we are afraid of being labeled as "not understanding human feelings" and "not close to human feelings".
There is a sentence in "Human Disqualification":
My misfortune lies precisely in my lack of ability to refuse.
I was afraid that if I rejected someone, I would leave a rift in each other's hearts that would never heal.
This is probably the knot that plagues many people.
Many people are embarrassed to refuse because they can't wipe off their feelings, and they should undertake all kinds of unwilling and unwilling things, and they become aggrieved and depressed in good days, and even in chaos.
A few years ago, a colleague of my friend Daliang started his own business after being dismissed, and asked him to help as a guarantee and borrow 500,000 yuan from the bank.
Usually the relationship between the two is good, but because of the affection, Daliang signed.
As a result, the colleague was not doing well and was unable to repay the loan on time.
Daliang acted as a guarantor, and the bank demanded that he pay back the money.
Daliang went to find a colleague, who had already moved and couldn't get through on the phone.
In life, we often encounter similar things, so it is better to be indifferent from the beginning, refuse tactfully, and give help as much as we can.
Cai Kangyong said: In fact, I still encourage everyone to be a cold person, too warm is not a way to maintain a good social interaction.
Maintaining a proper sense of proportion is not indifference and alienation, but a rare sobriety in the world.
03
Adler, the founder of individual psychology, had a theory called "subject separation".
He believes that all contradictions in interpersonal relationships arise from wanton interference in other people's issues, or one's own problems are arbitrarily interfered with by others. As long as we can separate issues, we will be able to change our interpersonal relationships dramatically.
How others evaluate your choices is someone else's problem, and you can't control it at all.
And when it comes to your life choices, all you can do is choose what you think is the best path.
Put your energy on yourself and let go of unnecessary hustle and bustle in order to take control of your life.
After the writer Jia Pingwa became famous, many people came to visit, and there was an endless stream of guests every day.
Some people ask him how to write, some people invite him to participate in activities, and some people ask him to find a job or fight a lawsuit......
He is tired of coping every day, and he doesn't dare to slack off, for fear that others will say that he will change his face as soon as he is broad.
As a result, he no longer had time to write quietly.
In order to escape the hustle and bustle, he moved five times, but someone still came to the door.
Later, Jia Pingwa unfortunately contracted liver cancer, so he used his illness as a shield, and his family finally calmed down, and he could finally write with peace of mind.
In "Silent Confession", it is said: Our whole life is to get rid of the expectations of others and find our true selves.
The sign of a person's maturity is that he is more and more able to distinguish between other people's affairs and my affairs, other people's emotions and my emotions.
They don't care what people look at because they know what they want.
Take the initiative to abandon the noise of the outside world and abandon unnecessary communication.
A little more apathy, a little more detachment, and you will have more time and energy to do what you want to do.
▽
Someone once asked the master sculptor Rodin: What is art?
Rodin replied: Subtract the excess.
The same should be true for people to get along with each other, minus excessive enthusiasm and unnecessary communication, and leave room for each other to be comfortable.
Being too enthusiastic can burn each other, and not socializing well can make you lose yourself.
Cutting down the complicated and simplifying, and being appropriately indifferent, is the best way to get along.