One of the most hurtful ways of communication for children is used by many parents

Some time ago, I swiped a public welfare short film "The Lock of Father and Son" on the Internet:

The father thinks that the child is addicted to mobile phones, uses violent and judgmental language, does not understand the whole picture, and only makes judgments through his own experience, and gets angry when he sees the child playing with the mobile phone.

And when he learned that the child had his own internal needs behind playing with his mobile phone, the child had already locked the "door".

Family Therapist Satya Says:

"A child with a problem can most likely find the answer from his family of origin."

We can try to recall whether we use inappropriate ways to educate children by scolding, yelling, and other inappropriate ways when children play with mobile phones, play games, skip homework, and love to eat junk food.

As everyone knows, verbal injuries are sometimes more serious than physical injuries.

Invisible "violence" pushes children farther and farther away

On Zhihu, on the topic "What is it like to be scolded by your parents and want to commit suicide?" Next, there is an impressive answer:

"When I was sad and crying until I collapsed, my parents looked at me and said, 'What kind of nerves?'

Many parents have such a habit of putting sarcastic words on their lips, and the tone is full of cynicism, pouring cold water, and questioning, which eventually becomes the source of children's inferiority and frustration.

For example, here are the following:

◇ Sarcasm: "You still want to learn piano after three minutes of heat?" ”

◇ Sarcastic: "Yo, you can still do your homework, the sun is coming out in the west!" ”

◇ Distrust: "What do you know?" ”

◇ Question: "Why don't you know how to say hello!" ”

◇ Attack: "Why are you so stupid?" ”

A young reader once left a comment:

"Growing up, my dad never affirmed me except for sarcasm and sarcasm, and I scored 98 points in the final exam of the primary school year, and happily went home with the report card, but my dad said: This is proud? Think about how you can lose two more points! ”

When children are young, every time they need encouragement, comfort and understanding from their parents, they cannot get the response and attention of their parents, and after a long time, children will not be able to get close to their parents.

Parents do not pay attention to the attitude and tone of speech, and it is difficult to establish a high-quality parent-child relationship.

Only with warm communication can we enter the hearts of children

As an adult, I believe everyone has had the experience of being in a bad mood all day because of a harsh word.

That's the power of words.

Even if people are right, we will get hurt because of the other person's bad tone.

The attitude and tone of communication are sometimes much more important than the content.

Parents often complain that it is difficult to communicate with their children, and no matter what they say, their children do not listen.

A large part of the reason is that our irritable attitudes have been dampening our children's confidence in our daily interactions, and they are constantly being judged by us, and they have long since built high walls in their hearts and become insensitive to our education.

If parents know how to control their tone of voice and use kind and firm words, children are more willing to make changes, such as:

If you are worried, you can say it softly -

The child comes home late and can say, "Mom and Dad are worried about you when you come back so late." Instead: "Next time you come back so late, never come back!" ”

Answer the question, answer it positively, don't ask rhetorically –

When a child looks for a book, he can say, "In your father's room!" Instead of: "You won't look for it yourself?" ”

Educate your children to be more respectful and less commanding –

When your child's toys are left around, you can say, "Baby, remember to clean up after the toys are done!" Instead: "If I find you lying around, I'll throw them all away!" ”

A good parent-child relationship needs to be maintained with "good talking", mastering communication skills, and education can also get twice the result with half the effort.

Speak well and remember 8 words

I've heard a saying:

"A lot of parents spend their whole lives wandering outside their children's hearts, they don't find the keys, but they blame their children for having difficulty communicating."

Everything requires skill, and the same goes for talking well to your child. Parents can memorize the 8 keywords of Nonviolent Communication.

01. Observation

When communicating with your child, observe and describe what we see with our eyes, hear with our ears, and touch with our bodies. Make things concrete without any judgment or speculation.

You can refer to 5W (who who?) Where is /where? /When when? What is /what? /why why? ) to think about the description.

For example, when a mother sees her son break a cup, she can say, "I saw you hit the cup on the ground and shattered." ”

Using observational language to describe the real situation you see to your child will minimize the child's negative emotions and cause conflicts, so that communication can go smoothly.

02. Feelings

Allow yourself and your child to express your feelings.

For example, what is the correct way to do the case of the child breaking the cup?

First, show your concern and stay safe.

You can ask your child, "Are you okay if you don't have your hands?" ”

Next, soothe your child's emotions and express your child's feelings.

"The cup suddenly shattered, you were shocked." Say how the child feels, and at the same time you can say how you feel "Mom was also shocked".

Finally, when the child's mood is calm, come and educate the child.

When we express our understanding of ourselves and our children's feelings, we can also help children learn to understand their emotions, so as to form a positive and positive system for dealing with their emotions, which will benefit them for a lifetime.

03. Demand

Understand your own and your child's needs and clearly express each other's "What do you want?" "What's not to want?" ”。

In "Nonviolent Parent-Child Communication", there is such a story.

Lele spent more than 1,000 yuan of pocket money a month, and her mother was very angry, but she still chose to communicate with Lele gently.

Mom asked Lele if she would like to talk to herself about why she spent so much pocket money this month?

Lele told her mother what she thought. She felt that her sister could have whatever she wanted, and her mother spent a lot of money to accompany her sister to early education classes, but she didn't have her share in all this.

She believes that her mother is willing to spend money for her and make her feel cared for. She hoped that her mother would care for her as much as she cared for her sister.

It was only at this time that her mother really understood that all Lele longed for was that she and her sister could be treated equally, and what she needed was her care and companionship. Mom hugged Lele tightly and expressed her understanding of her needs.

Adler's teleology of behavior holds that there are certain goals and needs behind actions.

The same is true for children's bad behaviors, understanding the needs behind children's behaviors can find ways to effectively guide children to solve problems.

04. Request

Understand your child's feelings and needs, and finally say what you want your child to do?

Like what

"The cup is broken, you and your mother can clean it up with a broom."

"I don't like it when I see graffiti on the wall, because my mom likes the house to be clean and tidy. You can draw on paper. ”

Don't just tell your child what not to do, but tell him clearly what to do.

Preferably specific, actionable requests. The more clearly you want to respond, the more likely you are to get a better response from your child.

Child psychologist Adele Faber said:

"Never underestimate the impact your words can have on your child's life."

Maybe parents have a lot of anxieties in their lives and have various expectations for their children, and sometimes, they can't help but be anxious.

But what we need to remember is that a large part of our love for children needs to be expressed in words. Only by speaking well can it be easier to enter the hearts of children and establish a good parent-child relationship.

The respect and sense of security that a child receives from his parents' words will also give him the ability to get along with other people and better face the storms of the future.