Have you ever encountered (heard) such a situation around you?
Some people have stable emotions before marriage, but after marriage, they are like a changed person, and they will have emotional outbursts from time to time;
Some people have a gentle personality since childhood, almost no temper, and they are also forced out of a bad temper after marriage;
Some partners love each other very much before marriage, but quarrel or even rise up after marriage;
Some couples have quarreled for most of their lives, and quarrels have become a common occurrence in life;
……
Obviously they all go for happiness, why do they quarrel constantly after marriage?
Obviously love each other, the relationship before marriage is also good, but after marriage to love and kill each other?
Even if the three views are the same, the door is in the same household, the personalities are similar or complementary, there are common interests and hobbies, etc., can not be spared?
The real answer is embarrassing.
To put it bluntly, marriage is two completely different people, with their own defects, into each other's world, operating life together, and facing the unknown together.
No matter how good the relationship is, there are also differences and complexities (different three views, habits, personalities, growth experiences, etc.); Once an intimate relationship is established, it means that many differences need to be run-in, but some inherent differences cannot be completely run-in; As long as the intimate relationship exists for a day, the contradictions and conflicts will exist, but some contradictions will manifest themselves in the short term, and some will be in a latent state and slowly surface.
The reason why two people are together can be simple: or attracted to each other because of the good in each other; or obsessed with the part of temperament that the other person has but does not have; or be moved by the words and deeds of the other party; Or for other reasons, think that two people are happier together than one person, in short, the original intention and expectation of entering into marriage is beautiful.
In the later stage, familiarization, various shortcomings have been exposed one after another, cognition, habits and other aspects can not grind each other, there are many trivialities that need to be faced in life, collision with each other is a common thing, quarrels will inevitably arise.
The source of the quarrel can sometimes be just a trivial matter:
One likes the room to be clean and orderly, and the other likes to be lazy and relaxed;
One likes to be quiet and not disturbed, the other prefers to be lively, and everything makes a lot of noise;
In terms of children's education, one advocates free-range raising, the other is serious, and both parties feel that they are reasonable;
In terms of living expenses, one likes to keep an account for every expense, and the other cares about it;
One sensibility, one rationality;
One focuses on feelings, one focuses on results;
One is proactive, the other is passive;
……
Both sides are unwilling to make concessions, unwilling to force themselves, incompatible, different frequencies, and there is a frontal conflict.
So if one party is willing to accommodate, tolerate, tolerate, and keep up with the other as much as possible, will the quarrel be avoided?
The answer is also no, tolerance, tolerance, accommodation, etc. exceed a certain limit, but also for a larger conflict, more grievances, one day will erupt, unequal relations, internal conflicts escalate, the apparent harmony is meaningless.
Two completely different people living together, to what extent can they accept each other, it takes time to run in and test, but some may not be able to get along for a lifetime, then every mountain to open the road and meet the water to build a bridge.
When the partners enter the state of marriage, most of them are ignorant, and they will not do enough homework (how to get along, how to communicate, how to manage the relationship, etc.) before they begin to have an intimate relationship.
Therefore, for each other, marriage is a strange territory that both parties have set foot in for the first time, for marriage, there are both expectations and confusion, when encountering conflicts, both parties may be in a state of tension, do not know how to better deal with it, will show an instinctive state.
Once you feel that the other party has offended you, or your rights and interests have been violated, or your inner needs are not met, you will be uneasy, will cover up your inner fears by quarrelling, and use the most effective method you currently think is the most effective - quarrel, to protect yourself.
Not getting it, not being satisfied, feeling uncomfortable, feeling threatened, etc., will establish a defense mechanism.
When I was a child, I was taught not to be like this, not like that, to be obedient, to be well-behaved and sensible ... Bound by various rules. When you grow up, you can finally feel that you can control your life, and after entering an intimate relationship, those previously repressed needs and potential inner pressures will be released.
Therefore, there are no quarrels for no reason, and every seemingly minor dispute actually carries a part of the uneasiness and dissatisfaction in the process of growing up.
Differences in ideas, extreme self-personality, high expectations for partners and relationships, forcibly changing the will of another person, unstoppable power struggle, excessive psychological projection, ambiguity of topics, lack of a sense of boundaries...
Disputes in marriage seem to be a vice engraved in genes, there is no marriage that never quarrels, some are just differences in the frequency of quarrels and the magnitude of quarrels.
01So, what are couples who always quarrel after marriage arguing for?
Quarrels for power
In order to take the initiative and consolidate one's position in the family, it leads to an imbalance of power in intimate relationships, which leads to quarrels.
Driven by "wanting to win", "wanting to conquer" and "wanting to control", only in the family "I have the final say", "I can control the situation" and "the other party listens to me" can ta feel a sense of security, so he always wants to prevail in words.
But this kind of power struggle game will not end when one side temporarily prevails, but if you win once, you will want to win more.
Quarrelling in order to forcibly change each other
Can't accept the inconsistency between the partner and himself, including different living habits, different opinions, different interests and hobbies, etc., always want to change each other, interfere too much in the partner's subjects, and force both parties to move in step.
But if there is no instinctive drive, the other person is not willing to be assimilated and changed, and over time there is resistance, and will use verbal rebuttal to vent inner dissatisfaction.
Quarrel in order to meet their own needs as quickly as possible
In childhood, wanting something but not being able to, or feeling uneasy or uncomfortable, will attract the attention of parents by crying.
In adulthood, he still retains the experience of his childhood, firmly believing that "crying children have candy to eat", and if he wants to get this candy, he is not willing to wait, and he is eager to get it.
Once you feel uncomfortable and unsatisfied in the relationship, you instinctively speak (shout) it without thinking, without considering whether the other party can adapt and accept, this expression is also easy to be misunderstood by the partner, interpreted as being aimed at themselves and hostile, so that the relationship is opposed and causes quarrels.
Quarrels for dignity and face
Quarrels can generally be subsided in such cases:
Both sides got what they wanted;
The problem is solved and the results are relatively satisfactory;
One side makes concessions in order to end the unpleasant quarrel as soon as possible.
If these three conditions are not met, there is no turning back from the bow, and it is unwilling to stop until the last moment.
"The quarrel is noisy, if you can't win, you have to take back the aura, so that you can hang on to the face."
"The other party's attitude is not good, and I am not to be outdone"
Based on this psychology, the front of quarrels will be further lengthened.
Quarrels over regaining a sense of self-worth
In intimate relationships, the party who has been forbearing, accommodating, and giving in for a long time, the psychology is always unbalanced, one day sober up, want to get rid of this uncomfortable, unequal relationship, try to resist, the most basic way, is through verbal debate, reason, to save their sense of value.
From not fighting, not grabbing, submissive to changing attitudes to look at each other equally, making the partner feel uneasy, the two will confront each other and continue to compete for dominance in the marriage.
02To sum up, the reasons for the quarrel between couples after marriage are nothing more than the following
01Excessive expectations of partners and intimacy
There is a possibility that what kills love is not marriage itself, but excessive expectations for marriage.
Two different people, entering marriage with each other's shortcomings, but eager to get consummation from intimacy, is like barely piecing together two notched objects, how to put together, one corner is incomplete.
The closer the relationship, the easier it is to idealize a partner or marriage, but the greater the expectations, the more disappointment and pain.
For example, in intimate relationships, there is a conflict that arises like this:
People who lack a sense of security and love will repeatedly push their partner away, deliberately say some angry words, see how the other party will react, whether they will coax, whether they will repeatedly come back to find themselves, so as to confirm that the other party cares about themselves, and if the partner does not understand these intentions, he will also feel at a loss, and over time there is a sense of helplessness.
The inner expectation is very high, and you need to actively cooperate with yourself without your partner's knowledge, and once the expectation is disappointed, you will fall into pain and trouble.
Because of their unilateral expectations that are too high, they create tension in the relationship and cause a crisis in the relationship. Excessive expectations put stress on the other half of the relationship, as well as disappointment and pain that eat at you, which contributes to disagreements and disputes in the relationship.
02Forcibly changing the will of another person, leaving intimacy in conflict
Continuing the previous one, imposing one's own ideas on others and forcibly changing partners is a disaster for any intimate relationship.
Under the banner of "for your good", you want the other party to act according to their own will;
Take the initiative to make decisions for each other, what you think and do, ta must interfere;
In order to satisfy themselves, forcibly let their partners do things they don't like;
disrespecting and considering the ideas of the partner, having a sense of superiority in the relationship;
……
This kind of too ego, always wanting to change the attitude of another person, can also make the intimate relationship very uncomfortable, lack of temperature, and is also the trigger for quarrels.
03In order to protect the marriage relationship, constantly reduce the self to cater to the partner, there is a relationship of asymmetry, psychological imbalance
Too much self is not conducive to the advancement of the relationship, so what about the opposite, constantly lowering self-esteem to cater to and satisfy each other, is it good?
This falls into another drawback, this unbalanced mode of getting along has been maintaining an unhealthy marriage relationship, every time there is a disagreement, there is always one party in order to settle the matter, self-lowering status to protect the relationship.
Once the party who has been in a weak position for a long time is unwilling to endure, give in, curry favor, pander, etc., those differences and contradictions will become new problems, and because of habit, the other half will not reflect on their own problems, expecting the other party to solve problems in the past way, and quarrels will inevitably arise.
04 Lack of a sense of boundaries and uncomfortable getting along
There is a "hedgehog effect" in psychology: there is a "psychological boundary distance" in the communication between people, and two people who get too close will hurt each other; Too far away will affect each other's feelings. ”
Hedgehogs in the cold winter, too close will be pricked by each other's stinging, too far away and cold, can not feel each other's temperature.
The same is true of partners in intimate relationships, excessive intrusion into each other's lives, which can put pressure on intimate relationships; Excessive alienation makes the other person suffer from gain and loss.
So there is the ultimate pull in the relationship, colliding with each other - being pricked and hurt - bouncing off - trying to get closer again - staying away ...
Those words with negative emotions and angry words for a moment are like thorns on hedgehogs, making each other want to get closer, but from time to time they are pricked, temporarily bouncing back to a relatively safe distance.
At the end of the day, there is no quarrel for no reason, and quarrels will expose many problems in the relationship, and at the same time, a breakthrough has been found to solve these problems.
Quarrelling, does not mean that there are no feelings, at least it shows that the two people still care about each other; But long-term quarrels will indeed consume feelings, reduce each other's energy, and affect the direction of marriage.
Therefore, quarrels are sometimes aimed at finding a balance, a point where each other can accept each other and be able to blend in.
Although quarrels after marriage cannot be completely avoided, we can still try to make some efforts to reduce the frequency of quarrels as much as possible.
03 Reduce verbal conflicts between marital partners and try to do this
01Accept your current marital status
Allow your marriage to be flawed and quarrelsome, as is the case, and if you want to continue your current relationship, you have to accept this reality and try to find the possibility of change.
Completely accept the imperfections of marriage from the heart, instead of being dissatisfied and rotten, feeling that you can't do anything, simply too lazy to operate, relying on fantasy to barely maintain the relationship.
True acceptance is good and bad, and we have the courage to face and face it squarely, without running away or backing down.
02Give up the pursuit of "perfect" relationships
There are no differences and contradictions in relationships, that only exist in fairy tales.
Realizing that neither people nor relationships can be truly perfect, then simply abandon this long-cherished wish, do not fight against the rules beyond our power, and instead try those things that we have the power to achieve and change.
Pursuing too much of a "perfect" relationship without suffering and giving up the assumption of perfection and starting from the subtleties can bring small satisfaction and happiness.
For example, you can't change your partner's thoughts and attitudes all at once, but you can guide the other party to slowly understand your inner needs;
You can't let the marriage return to the way it was in the first love, but you can find the temperature in your existing life, although there are quarrels and not romantic, but when you encounter things, your partner will still choose to firmly stand on your side, or although you can't get used to his righteous appearance, his attitude of admitting mistakes is very sincere...
After letting go of the obsession with "perfection", you can find those touches in ordinary life.
03Respect each other's "boundaries"
The "hedgehog effect" determines that no matter how intimate a relationship is, it cannot be without boundaries.
No matter how good the relationship is, it is necessary to maintain moderate boundaries, otherwise it will cause discomfort.
Understand that intimacy is not stuck together all the time, which means that the relationship is really good, leaving each other with space to "breathe" and "move", and there is a sense of relaxation, but it can make both people feel comfortable and comfortable.
Will not be pricked by the "thorn" on each other, but also accompany and warm each other, in a relationship with temperature, you can feel each other without deliberately overstepping, because there is no discomfort, the frequency of quarrels will naturally be reduced.
04Respect each other's independence and differences, and seek common ground while reserving differences
You have to "domesticate" the other party, in fact, you feel continuous pain, no one is willing to be tamed, once their independence is weakened, they will be uncomfortable, will feel uneasy, will resist, will resist, will compare their hearts to hearts to understand this, there is no need to obsessively transform each other.
Assuming that the real partner has the same hair in all aspects, it will be boring to look at each other all day.
Don't do what even we don't want to do, respect each other's differences, and even take the initiative to appreciate each other's differences, because of the differences, there are more new experiences in life.
Pay attention to those places that are at the same frequency as each other, try to accommodate each other's differences, just like in the same garden, jasmine, daisies, roses can grow and bloom, there is no need to change to a cookie-cutter look.
Let yourself be yourself, but also let your partner be yourself, get along more comfortably, and in a relatively stable environment, the relationship will also have a natural cohesion.
05Deliberate practice of communication skills
Understand that when it comes to communication, it's not that the bigger the more persuasive.
Try to change (improve) the tone of speech, attitude, and content of speech, because every cruel word blurted out, when hitting the other person's heart, will bounce back and eat back at yourself.
Realize that speaking badly will hurt two people at the same time, and when the next sentence has not yet come out, you can control yourself a little, adjust your emotional state, and in the same way, the effect of expressing it in another tone is different.
Partners mirror each other in relationships, showing each other's good and bad sides.
Compared with unreasonable abuse, slander, humiliation, etc., when the other party feels respected and understood, it is easier to accept what you say, and the other party's attitude will change due to your attitude.
06
Maintain some dullness appropriately
Understand that in some cases, the partner's words are just a kind of self-protection, the more powerful the ta, the more inferior he is, and trying to cover up this inferiority through voice and momentum is not necessarily aimed at you, so there is no need to react immediately to his words.
Understand that disputes are not the most effective way to solve problems, and it is easy to hurt feelings, you can try to ease your emotional state by retreating, and then adjust to a relatively friendly attitude to express your views.
Understand that you can't change the other party, so you don't need to indulge in the obsession of wanting to change the other party, but focus on your own state and self-growth.
In intimate relationships, properly maintain some bluntness, do not focus on it, it is easy to be infected by the other party's emotions, try to stabilize your core, be the person who can stabilize yourself first no matter what the situation, you can reduce the damage suffered due to impulsivity in the relationship.
In short, in any marriage, disputes cannot be completely avoided, the improvement of the relationship, not overnight, there is no overnight thing, improve the communication mode is a long way off, need both partners to work together to achieve.
There is no perfect relationship at the beginning, but by listening to the heart and doing your best, there is less and less conflict in the relationship.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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