Today is the death day of Xiao Hong, a modern Chinese female writer.
She was a famous talented woman in China in the 30s and was known as "Literary Roselle".
Works such as "The Field of Life and Death" and "The Legend of Hulan River" have been circulated to this day, and Mr. Lu Xun even called her "the most promising female writer in China today".
But such a talented woman, but a miserable life, struggling in the cage of love, can not get out.
In pursuit of love and freedom, she is always like a moth to a fire, looking for warmth in a relationship.
But the warmth was always extremely short-lived, like a small coal, and the residual temperature dissipated, leaving only a cold and hard empty shell.
In the end, only she was left scarred and alone.
In a letter sent to a friend, Xiao Hong wrote: "When I die, perhaps no one will read my works, but it is certain that my scandal will be passed on forever." ”
She was right, she had a slur, and her whole life had gone from one scandal to another: her wandering turmoil, her love entanglement, her unparalleled talent, her sudden disappearance.
In this way, she lived as the talk of some people after dinner, and lived into an eternal legend in the hearts of others.
01 Unfortunate people, who have been healing their childhood all their lives
Xiao Hong was born without expectation.
On June 1, 1911, the Dragon Boat Festival of the lunar calendar, Xiao Hong was born in a small city of Hulan on the banks of the Hulan River in the northeast.
The Zhang family is looking forward to a boy, a boy who can be passed on from generation to generation, not "she".
Children who are not loved seem to be particularly sensitive and precocious, and so is Xiao Hong.
▲Xiao Hong was a child
When she was very young, she seemed to be able to read the eyes of adults, which was a kind of disregard and disgust.
His father, Zhang Tingju, was always indifferent, and the first child gave birth to a girl, which made him feel faceless. And this little girl is still so undeciplined, does not know how to please people.
Grandma Fan Shi, for this girl born in the Dragon Boat Festival, is said to be unlucky, also does not like.
And the mother, the mother's love is not heavy. At that time, Xiao Hong had three younger brothers one after another, and the love and attention that could be shared in her body became thinner and thinner.
Until the age of 8, my mother also died of illness, and the love that was not very meticulous was gone.
▲ Stills of Xiao Hong in the movie "Golden Age"
Fortunately, she still has the care of her grandfather.
In "The Legend of Hulan River", Xiao Hong uses moving pen and ink to recall the time when she played in her grandfather's back garden in her childhood.
"I have a big garden in which there are bees, butterflies, dragonflies, grasshoppers, everything. Butterflies include white butterflies and yellow butterflies. This butterfly is extremely small and not very good-looking. It's a big red butterfly, covered in gold dust. ”
That small garden is the paradise of Xiao Hong's childhood, and it is also the only warm memory in her heart.
After the death of his mother, his father soon married another woman to enter the door.
The stepmother treated her well, but she was just indifferent. Later, her grandfather also died, and Xiao Hong felt that in the great family, she could no longer find half a point of warmth.
▲ Illustration of "Grandfather's Back Garden" in "The Legend of Hulan River"
Adler said: "Happy people are healed by childhood all their lives; unfortunate people are cured of childhood all their lives." ”
The same is true of Xiao Hong.
In the childhood when she most longed for love and care, her parents did not give her enough warmth.
The experience of lack of love has affected her life in this way, so that she has been like a deformed bird, in order to find a warm nest, forever and forever wandering.
02 People will live, and love will be beautiful
When Xiao Hong was 15 years old, her father Zhang Tingju arranged a family affair for her, and Xiao Hong met the first man in her life, Wang Enjia.
For this solid arranged marriage, Xiao Hong went from initial ignorance and dazedness to more and more disappointment.
She gradually realized that the two did not have a common idea and were not on the same path.
She wanted to study, to see more of the wider world, but her father forced her to interrupt her studies and marry someone she didn't love.
In order to escape this fate, she eventually fled to Beiping with her distant cousin Lu Zhenshun.
Lu Zhenshun himself also has an arranged wife, so he is very sympathetic to Xiao Hong's situation. The two often sit face to face and chat together, telling their hearts.
Xiao Hong felt that she was becoming more and more dependent on the man next to her, and she had the feeling of being in love for the first time. But she also clearly understood in her heart that this cousin, who already had a wife, was not her own lover.
What they didn't know was what kind of turmoil this run had set off in the small town of Hulan. For a time, "elopement", "seducing husbands with wives", and "bad customs" became all the labels on Xiao Hong's body.
The times are always harsh on women, and it imposes heavy constraints on women and does not allow them to resist. Because of their resistance, they gave all the self-proclaimed nobles the opportunity to insult and insult.
They have no escape.
And it is. The two did not last long in Beiping, and they became increasingly embarrassed because their family was cut off from their financial resources.
The cousin who took her out of the demon cave in Xiao Hong's mind was ultimately just a cowardly and unproductive man. He took Xiao Hong out, and finally took her back in a gray manner.
Coming and going, what dimmed was Xiao Hong's true heart that had been held out by her own hands.
▲ Stills from the movie "Xiao Hong"
Lu Xun used the love tragedy of Juan Sheng and Zijun in "Wounded Death" to reveal a very profound philosophy in the feelings of marriage - "People must live, and love will be beautiful"
No matter how beautiful the love words are, they can't resist the friction in reality.
When all the trivialities of chai rice, oil and salt poured in every day, when the embarrassment of survival became a little heavier, love often began to fade.
To say ten thousand words of "I love you" is better to "live" together. After all, being able to embrace the ordinary days can love be undefeated for a long time.
03 Marriage is a conspiracy, and two people can reach a consensus to move forward
In 1931, the "918" incident broke out, and the once small Hulan City was inevitably caught up in the tide of the times, sharing the wind and rain of the country and the nation.
In early October, Xiao Hong escaped from her home and wandered alone in Harbin, where the wind was gusting, her clothes thin and there was nowhere to live.
In the end, it was Wang Enjia who found Xiao Hong at this time, settled her in the Dongxingshun Hotel, and bought her clothes, shoes and hats.
It was this little bit of warmth that easily made Xiao Hong all the cold arrogance of the past.
She was determined to compromise and single-mindedly committed herself to the man in front of her.
The two lived together in the hotel, and it wasn't long before Xiao Hong became pregnant. Xiao Hong was a little anxious, she urged Wang Enjia, is it faster to become a relative, can not keep hiding and dragging on.
At that time, the hotel where the two lived already owed six hundred yuan in room and board. Wang Enjia told Xiao Hong that he would go home and ask for money, so that Xiao Hong would wait for him here and wait for him to come back.
However, he never returned.
In the late spring of that year, it was still cold, weathery, spiritual.
Unable to pay the money, Xiao Hong was detained by the innkeeper in a small, narrow, dark and damp room. At that time, her pregnant body had become more and more clumsy, and Wang Enjia had no news as soon as she left.
Xiao Hong looked at the letters she had written and sank into the sea, and her heart sank to the bottom little by little. A small poem called "Accidental Thoughts" was written at this time:
Last May,
It was the time when I ate green apricots in Beiping,
In May of this year,
The pain of my life,
It really tastes like green apricots.
At that time, the owner of the hotel was already a little impatient, secretly planning to sell her and the child after she gave birth, and Xiao Hong had to send a distress letter to the "International Association" newspaper.
In the anxious wait day and night, she finally waited for the savior in her miserable life, and she was also the most unforgettable man in her life- Xiao Jun.
▲Xiao Hong and Xiao Jun
This unruly man brought her two books— Lu Xun's "Scream" and Gorky's "Childhood"— and also brought her hope for a new life and the expectation of love.
That autumn, at the Europa Hostel, Xiao Hong and Xiao Jun lived together. Both of them were very poor, and they ate the last meal without eating, but with the nourishment of love, even if they could only eat black bread with salt and boiled water, their hearts were sweet.
Under the influence of Xiao Jun, Xiao Hong also tried to pick up a pen and began to write down the people and things in her mind in the form of essays and novels.
This writing is inextricable. In the 1930s, a rising star in China's literary world was rising.
However, the warmth of life is always short-lived, like the brilliant fireworks in the night sky, and after a moment of light, there is a long silence.
Xiao Hong was once again betrayed, from the man she loved the most.
Perhaps she knew it early on, Xiao Jun's uninhibited attitude in love. He always said that he had the "philosophy of love" - "love is love, and if you don't love, you throw it away", and he did the same.
From Wang Lin and Mary to Chen Juan and Xu Yuehua, Xiao Jun's heart swayed between one woman with different styles after another, and he had no time to take care of another woman who was painful and sad for him.
Xiao Hong wanted to cry, but she didn't dare to cry. That heart is like a gloomy sky, from the inside out, it is a painful yin.
▲ Stills of Xiao Hong, Xiao Jun and Lu Xun in the movie "Golden Age"
Some people say that marriage is a conspiracy, and two people can reach a consensus in order to move forward.
In fact, the same is true of love.
In "The Rest of My Life Is Not Going To Be Done", Duo Niang has a passage that says:
Marriage is an energy game in the end, the best situation is that both sides are independent of each other, and you can come and go, evenly matched. Instead of this side hoping that the other side is infinitely bottomless, that side wants this side to always lower its eyebrows.
In this game of love, Xiao Hong is always looking up, waiting for the tired Xiao Jun doll to turn back. But for love is low to the dust, and it may not be able to blossom.
Zhang Ailing is like this, xiao Hong is also like this.
04 A woman should love herself the most
In 1937, the July 7 Incident broke out, and soon, the Songhu Anti-Japanese War broke out, and Shanghai also became an anti-Japanese battlefield. The whole land of China is shaky.
Xiao Hong, concerned that she could no longer indulge in her own children's love, began to devote herself to the struggle to save the nation from danger as a warrior posture and a pen as a spear.
His acquaintance with Duanmu Hongliang was at the inaugural meeting of the anti-war magazine "July".
Duanmu Hongliang and Xiao Jun, one weak and elegant, one rough and bold, were originally completely different men, but it was precisely at that time that they slightly soothed the pain in Xiao Hong's heart.
His gentleness and thoughtfulness, his respect and praise for Xiao Hong, let Xiao Hong feel warm again, and her heart gradually tilted towards Duanmu Hongliang.
The love of the three people is entangled, repeatedly.
▲ Stills from the movie "Golden Age"
In 1938, in Wuhan, Duanmu Hongliang held a wedding with Xiao Hong despite his family's strong opposition. This was also the only wedding in Xiao Hong's life.
Many of Xiao Hong's former friends were puzzled by Xiao Hong's approach, but Xiao Hong said:
"I don't have any high hopes for him, I just want to live a normal ordinary couple life." There was no quarrel, no fighting, no infidelity, no ridicule, just mutual understanding, love, and consideration. ”
Unfortunately, she was destined to be a deformed bird, and no nest was permanently warm and would become cold.
"I always walk alone, I used to be in the northeast, I went to Japan after I arrived in Shanghai, and now I go to Chongqing, I walk alone. It was as if I was destined to walk alone..."
Around Duanmu Hongliang, Xiao Hong often felt lonely.
She would often walk alone to the Jialing River, look at the gushing river, think of the Hulan River, think of the distant hulan town, and think of the unforgettable old people of her mother, grandfather, and brother.
In January 1940, Xiao Hong flew to Hong Kong with Duanmu Hongliang. She looked through the window at the shrinking mountain city of Chongqing, how could she think that this difference was forever.
▲ Xiao Hong, Xiao Jun and Duanmu Hongliang
In 1941, Xiao Hong was diagnosed with severe tuberculosis.
In the hospital, Xiao Hong's illness deteriorated. Since then, the Pacific War has broken out, the situation in Hong Kong has been chaotic, and the smoke of war has continued unceasingly.
Everyone is genuinely afraid, not knowing whether they will live to see the sun of tomorrow.
At this time, Xiao Hong was looking forward to her lover being by her side, but Duanmu Hongliang heard nothing at this time, entrusting her to Luo Binji, who had recently known her.
In the last moments of her life, she was always by her side, but not any of the men she loved. Half a life for love, but in the end it is still a lonely person.
In Luo Binji's arms, she braced herself with the last bit of strength and wrote the last words of her life:
"I will be with the blue sky and clear water forever, leaving the half of the "Red Chamber" for others to write." Half a lifetime of white-eyed cold reception... Die first, unwilling, unwilling! ”
At 12:00 noon on January 22, 1942, Xiao Hong passed away with her last attachment and reluctance to this world.
When she left, she was only 31 years old, but her heart was like a decaying old man, full of vicissitudes.
In this life, she has been wandering and wandering, trying to firmly grasp the little warmth around her. But the more she tried to grasp it, the more she couldn't grasp it.
The coal that was extinguished, even the ashes were cold.
If I could, I would like to tell her more:
Love or warmth must be obtained from oneself after all. If you can't love yourself, if you can't warm yourself, what is the use of the little bit of passable warmth of others?
If there really is an afterlife, may she come to the world with love, may she no longer drift and no longer wander, and may her life be a golden age!
【Copyright Notice】This article is originally published by Poetry World, author: Ye Han. The pictures in the text come from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.