Hello everyone! Every life is an infinite possibility, I am a nurturing heron!
If you don't think the conversation with Adler is enjoyable, and Rudolph has too many tools, then today Jane Nelson's "Positive Discipline" is just right, neither too esoteric nor cumbersome. Jane Nelson differs from her master and grandfather in that she is a mother of 7 children, a grandmother of 22 children, and a great-grandmother of 2 children, so to speak, who is hands-on in matching guiding theory with practice.
With the endorsement of 2 masters, Jane Nelson continued to develop education. Since any punishment, including hitting, scolding, yelling, humiliation, criticism, reproach, threats... If it does not affect the child in the long term + will only make the child lose confidence, then Jane Nelson believes that the purpose of discipline is: one is whether the impact on the child is effective in the long term, and the other is whether it can develop the life skills and social skills required by the child. Therefore, "Positive Discipline" is to cultivate a child's most important perception and skills:
1. Perception of personal abilities – "I can do it."
2. Awareness of one's own worth in important relationships – "My contributions are valuable, and people really need me." ”
3. Perception of one's own power or influence in life – "I am able to influence what happens to me." ”
4. Strong introspective ability: have the ability to understand personal emotions, and can use this understanding to achieve self-discipline and self-control.
5. Strong interpersonal communication skills: good at cooperating with others, and building friendships on the basis of communication, collaboration, negotiation, sharing, empathy and listening.
6. Strong overall grasp: Deal with the limitations and consequences of daily life with a sense of responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity.
7. Strong judgment: use wisdom to evaluate the situation according to appropriate values.
I made a simple translation for reference only.
Part I: A few utilities
Positive discipline is actually a sentence: always solve problems in mistakes, in the atmosphere, and in respect with a gentle and firm attitude or a kind and firm attitude.
But how can we do it? There are several tools to master first (pictured): the first concept is not to deal with problems when angry, because when angry, our brain is controlled by the amygdala, and the brain's command has only two options - "hit" or "escape". So the first tool is called positive pause — a way to calm yourself or your child down when your emotions are out of control. The second concept is to accept the imperfect self and imperfect children, so mistakes are inevitable, how to use mistakes as an opportunity to learn - correct the 3 Rs of mistakes, generously admit that I made mistakes, then ask for forgiveness and reconciliation, and finally focus on solving problems. The third concept is to create an atmosphere where children are willing to listen and willing to cooperate, called the four steps to winning children. The last concept is how to focus on the 3R1H of problem solving – relevant, respectful, reasonable, and helpful.
Jason, in fifth grade, a wandering powder keg, and with a flick of others, he exploded. The teacher tried to preach, criticize, punish... All stones sank into the sea and achieved little results. Finally the teacher asked him to stay after school one day, and he really stayed, and the teacher told him at this point: "Thank you, Jason, I appreciate your respect because I let you stay and you stay." Then I want to apologize to you, about my punishment of you, all the punishment I tried to get you not to rant in class was my mistake. I don't want that anymore, I need your help, Jason, are you willing to work with me to find a solution? ”
Jason expressed that he could not control his power, and the teacher patiently encouraged him, such as noticing the changes in his body. When he broke out again 5 days later, the teacher also encouraged him and discussed that if he was going to lose control next time, he would walk out of the classroom without the teacher's consent to do a "positive pause" and return to the classroom when he felt better. In this way, Jason went from walking out of the classroom four or five times a week, to once or twice a month. This is a clever application of active suspension.
One day, Jane Nelson said to her 8-year-old daughter, "Mary, you're a spoiled mischievous. ”
Mary responded, "Hmph, don't come and tell me I'm sorry later." ”
"Don't worry, I definitely won't."
Mary ran back to her room and slammed the door with a "bang." After a while, Jane Nelson realized her problem and went to Mary's room to apologize. After pushing open the door, he found that Mary was writing "Liar" in a book called "Positive Discipline". Jane Nelson hugged her and said, "Baby, I'm sorry. When I say you're a spoiled mischievous, so do I. I'm angry that you couldn't control your behavior, but I couldn't control it myself, so I'm sorry. ”
Mary: "It's nothing, Mom, I was a naughty guy just now." ”
As a single mom, it's okay to worry about her daughter, but it's too much of a fuss, and her daughter has explained to her the beer she is hiding for her friends, let's see what a "funny" conversation they have:
The mother carried a beer and asked her daughter: "What is this?" ”
"I think it looks like six beers, Mom."
"Don't play tricks with me, Miss. Tell me what's going on? ”
"Mom, I don't know what you're talking about!"
"I found these six bottles of beer in your closet, Miss, you'd better explain it."
"Oh, I forgot about it, I hid it for a friend."
"Oh yes! Do you think I'll believe it? ”
"I don't care if you believe it or not!" Run back to the room and slam the door.
After her mother learned the 3 R skills to correct her mistakes, that is, the next night, she asked her daughter in a loving tone: "Maria, can I talk to you?" ”
"What are you going to talk about?"
"I'm sure when I got mad at you last night over those six beers, you probably thought I didn't care about you at all."
"That's it, I feel as if I'm nothing but annoying you! Only my friends really care about me. (Note that the emotions released when people are understood are special, and at this moment Mary feels understood and begins to cry.)
"I can understand why you think that. How can you feel anything else when I walk to you with fear and anger instead of with my love? I'm really sorry for yesterday's actions. ”
"It's okay, Mom. I really hid it for a friend. ”
"Maria, I really love you. Sometimes, I'm afraid you might do something to hurt yourself. I was overwhelmed by my own worries and forgot to tell you it was just because I loved you. Will you give me another chance? Can we start talking and solving problems together with love and concern for each other? ”
"Of course, Mom, I think that's a good suggestion."
The above two examples are both applications of the 3 Rs that correct errors.
When a child complains about being reprimanded in public by a teacher at school, how do you respond as a mother to your daughter?
The first type is unhappy. The mother crossed her hands at her waist: "Hmph, what did you do?" ”
"I didn't do anything."
"Come on, so that the teacher won't yell at the students for no reason." What the hell did you do? So what can you do to solve this problem? ”
"There's nothing to do."
The second is the four-step step to winning cooperation. The mother said in a friendly manner: "I'm sure the teacher yelled at you in front of so many people, you must feel very humiliated (first step)." I remember when I was in fourth grade, there was a math exam, I stood up and sharpened my pencil, and the teacher yelled at me in front of the class. I was embarrassed and angry (step 2). ”
"Really? I just borrowed a pencil from someone else. I think it's unfair for the teacher to yell at me for such a little thing. ”
"Well, I understand that you would think so. Do you think of a way to avoid embarrassing yourself again? (This example can skip step 3 and go directly to step 4)
"I think I can prepare a few more pencils in the future so I don't have to ask someone else to borrow them."
What do you do when you find out that your 6-year-old son has stolen something from the store? The mom found a quiet time for Jeff to sit on her lap. She said, "Jeff, I heard you stole a bag of bubble gum from the store. When I was in fifth grade, I once stole an eraser from the store, and I knew that I didn't deserve it, and I felt guilty, so I didn't think it was worth it. ”
"Anyway, there are so many bubble gums in the store."
"You see, how much bubble gum and other things does the boss have to sell to have enough money to pay the rent, wages, buy goods, and support the family... Do you see how to deal with this? ”
"I never thought about this, I won't steal anything again, I'm willing to pay for bubblegum."
The above two examples are four-step applications to win your child.
Jane Nelson's daughter once told her she was going to experience a drunken break at a party. Jane Nelson gasped: "Tell me, why are you doing that?" ”
"A lot of kids do that, and it looks like they're happy when they're drunk."
"You don't drink now, what do your friends say about you?"
"They always say how much they admire me and how proud they are of me."
"What do you think they would think or say if you were drunk?"
"I'm sure they'll be disappointed."
"So what do you think you'd think of yourself?"
"I probably feel like a failure. I don't think I would do that. ”
This is a 3R1H application focused on solving problems.
Part II: Birth Order
The sense of belonging and value is not good or bad, but we define it as good and bad right or wrong in the process of pursuit, which is fully demonstrated in families with many children. Usually the boss has the qualities of a leader, leader, responsible, conformist, conservative, independent, competitive, perfectionist... They generally use "everything first" to pursue a sense of belonging and value. And the quality of the old and young is not difficult to guess, "innovation" has become synonymous with them, as the most favored one in the family, they are well taken care of, so they can get a sense of value through their own charm, they are not only creative but also good at manipulating. And the middle children are like the middle of toothpaste - both ends are squeezed, so they can only obtain a sense of value in different ways, such as "social butterfly" or "mimosa", "rebellion for ideals" or simple "rebellion", usually they are more easy-going and more sympathetic to the weak. Only children are the less perfectionist bosses, and they are more inclined to be unique.
There are some exceptions to the influence of birth order on children, as shown in the figure, if the eldest and second are of the opposite sex, then the probability that both of them have the characteristics of the eldest is very high. The personality difference between the eldest and the second of the same sex is affected by the age difference and family atmosphere, the smaller the age difference, the greater the personality difference between the two, the difference of 4 years and above, the impact will be weakened; If the family atmosphere is competitive, then the personality differences between the two will be magnified, and vice versa, if it is a cooperative atmosphere, then the differences will be minimal.
John, the youngest, the 3 older sisters that everyone envies the most, was so weak in reading that he was placed in the lowest group in the fifth grade. The teacher first took him to a psychological test of IQ, then learned about his family situation, knew that he did not experience much responsibility, and then the psychological test came out and confirmed her idea - John is a very talented child, but he uses it to manipulate other people's skills. The teacher spoke to John once gently but firmly: "John, I have discovered what a capable young man you are. I will switch you to the group with the best reading skills, because I am 100% confident that you have the ability to do well there. ”
What needs to be warned here is not to say "you will do better if you try", because behind this sentence hides a "didactic" or "disappointing" attitude, which usually makes all children lose confidence.
Mark, the boss, can't afford to lose any game when he is 8 years old. After his father got the code of birth order, he decided to end his "perfectionism". His father first beat him more than half in the game, and at first, Mark was angry, but it didn't take long to show grace about losing, as can be seen from one of their passes. The father threw a stinky ball, and Mark was not angry that he didn't receive it, but said humorously: "Good ball, dad, stinky ball, Mark." ”
The Seth family has 3 children, and he is the eldest. Today his parents went to see the house and left him and his brother at the neighbor's house, because they were old enough to play with the children around them, and yesterday they also hated the heat and boredom with the houseviewing, while 2-year-old Maria was with them. Seth had to follow before going out, but his mother insisted that he stay at home and bought popsicles (bribes) for their brother. When the mother returned home, she found that Seth had cut her daughter's dining chair cushion to pieces. She was sad, but her anger quickly covered up, so she beat Seth and locked her in the room. An operation is as fierce as a tiger, and the long-term impact becomes negative five. It happened that her mother was participating in training and had the habit of keeping a diary every day, and she was already able to objectively stand in the child's position and understand that Seth's behavior today was revenge, so she walked into Seth's room and said to him: "Do you think that we took Maria but did not take you because we loved her more than we loved you?" ”
With tears in his eyes, Seth said, "Yes." ”
"I can understand how you could think that. I'm sure that won't make you feel good. ”
(When the child was understood) Seth began to cry. Mom hugged him and waited for him to finish crying. "I think I can understand how you feel. When I was 13, my mom took my 16-year-old sister to New York. I wanted to go too, but they said I was too young. I don't believe it. I really think it's because my mother loves my sister more than she loves me. Seth was full of compassion. Mom asked, "Do you want to know why I left you at home?" Seth nodded. Yesterday you were so hot and boring, I really feel sorry for you. Seeing you suffer so much, we also find it very boring to look at the house. I really feel that if you can stay at home and play with your friends, you won't get bored, so that we will all be happier. Can you understand why I feel like it's for your good? ”
"Maybe."
"I know why you think we love Maria more because we took her and didn't take you, but it's not what you think. I love you very much. I would have liked to leave Maria at home too, but I know she can't go out and play with friends like you do. How do you think we can fix the dining chair? ”
Seth said eagerly, "I can fix it." ”
"I'm sure you can."
Later, they bought a plastic mat, cut it into a suitable shape, and nailed it to the dining chair. (It's a four-step process to turning a mistake into an opportunity to learn.)
The third part identifies the four pitfalls
Rudolph said that children tend to fall into four wrong purposes in pursuit of belonging and worth: seeking excessive attention, power struggles, retaliation, and self-defeat. A child with these four false purposes is a discouraged child, and Jane Nelson says that children with these four false purposes are children who have lost confidence, and that bad behavior is nothing more than a lack of knowledge or awareness, a lack of effective skills, and the development of appropriate behavior, behavior due to disappointment, or behavior that causes us to be manipulated by the amygdala by an accidental event.
Two clues can be used to determine for which purpose the child is for. Usually, a child's bad behavior often causes our first reaction to be anger or frustration, so the first clue is to find out the emotional response hidden behind the anger or frustration: when you feel irritated, anxious, guilty, annoyed, the child is most likely seeking excessive attention; When you are threatened, challenged, provoked, defeated, the child's purpose may be to seek rights; But when you are hurt, disappointed, unbelievable, and hateful, the child is likely to retaliate; When you feel powerless, desperate, hopeless, and helpless, your child's goal may be to beat himself up.
The second clue is the child's reaction when you ask him to stop his bad behavior. The child who seeks excessive attention pauses for a moment and soon resumes the original behavior or other behavior that can get your attention; The right-seeking child continues his behavior and may verbally contradict or passively resist your demands; Children seeking revenge will fight back with some destructive behavior or words that hurt you; Self-defeating children are very negative, I hope you give up your efforts quickly and stop bothering him.
There is also a purpose to reveal hair, more professional, we do not expand.
Jane Nelson also gave a corresponding method. As shown in the picture. It is no accident that we can see that there are "special times" and "expressing love and care" in these techniques. Special times work wonders because one child feels a sense of belonging and worth, and they feel that they are important to you; The second is a reminder to adults, reminding you why you wanted to have children in the first place; Third, when your child needs your attention and you are too busy, you can make him accept special time: "Baby, I can't do it now, but I look forward to our special time."
One mother had a special time with her 3-year-old daughter, and whenever the phone rang, the mother picked up: "Sorry, I can't talk to you right now because it's my special time with my daughter." "This daughter always smiled every time she heard it.
Another mother set special time before bed. When the child goes to bed, she will squeak his arm socket, and then ask the child to say the saddest and happiest thing he has during the day, and then she will also say the saddest and happiest thing about herself. At first, children are overexcited by the opportunity to tell sad things and even cry. The mother always waits patiently and waits for the child to calm down: "I would like to listen to you tell me what is on your mind, and when you are no longer so sad tomorrow, we will talk more and see if we can find a solution to the problem." Now, talk about your fun. ”
We know that self-esteem cannot be taught to you no matter how much it is sold, and self-esteem cannot be taught like internal skills, self-esteem can only be cultivated, and it can only be obtained from coping with disappointments, solving problems, and learning from mistakes. Self-esteem is important, it is the basis of self-confidence and self-discipline. And only through encouragement can the child's self-esteem level be raised, that is, to express love and care. To achieve encouragement, it takes three points, to be truly equal to the child in personality, to be interested in the child's point of view, and to motivate the child to evaluate himself. Simply put, when you want to encourage your child, you treat him as your friend, what do you say?
Part IV: Family Meetings
Family meetings≠ trade union meetings ≠ critical conferences.
The importance of family meetings is like the success of the atomic bomb test, like Uncle Da in Xingye's movie, like Qianjin Vine in the new crown... If you can hold a family meeting, like a sunflower dotting hand, many things can be resolved, such as getting up and getting dressed, not being late for school, problems with homework, problems with sleeping at night, problems between children...
How to hold a family meeting, as shown in the picture, to sit around a clean table, such as a dining table. If you decide to do it once a week, you have to execute it without moving. Decisions are made unanimously, and the child also has veto power. The content needs to have a discussion of next week's activities, especially the last item to plan next week's family entertainment. It ends with activities that the whole family can participate in, such as eating cake together or cleaning together. The meeting needs to have a moderator, secretary, start with a word of thanks or gratitude, the content of the agenda, solve problems according to the 3R1H principle, plan family activities, plan family entertainment activities, discuss household chores. Some special situations, such as children who are too young to participate, what to do if children are too big. Single-parent families are different families and can also have family meetings. What are the benefits of family meetings: seven important perceptions and skills that can develop children, every week adults and children have the opportunity to learn and practice problem-solving skills, strengthen the cooperation and intimacy between families, strengthen family values and family traditions, and eliminate many problems in discipline.
Part V: Adult Life Orientation
In "Children: Challenges" mentions that there is a problem for adults, and in "Positive Discipline" mentions a very interesting concept called "life attitude orientation" theory, which then complements the problems of adults, which plays a role in introducing bricks and stones. It is the theory of "attitude to life" studied by Israeli psychologist Nila Kaifer, with four orientations.
People who take control as their orientation in life often have difficulty tolerating criticism and humiliation, resulting in the belief of "staying in control" to gain a sense of security, but their control is mainly about themselves and the situation. Because children have strong perception skills, children often mistake adults controlling themselves and the situation for their control, so it is not surprising that children show resistance, disobedience, and even power struggles and retaliation. Mrs. Jones is one such person, who habitually tells her children what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, and does not allow them to talk back. She feels that such control can teach children self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills, but is this really the case? The two children are locked in an endless power struggle with her, while the other child becomes a "flatterer", a "person who always seeks the approval of others." When she understood her life orientation, she gave up the "everything is in control" skill and began to use family meetings + heuristic questions to really involve children and solve problems on their own.
People who strive for excellence as their life orientation usually try to avoid insignificant and meaningless things in life, so they develop the belief that "if you are not outstanding, you are not good enough". Their high standards, high demands and goals often lead to children being powerless, discouraged, and even self-defeating. Mr. Lerodoru is one such person, who feels that only hard work can "provide the best" for his family, and he always shows off his achievements and "three highs" expectations for his children, which he thinks will help his children become outstanding people. But things always backfired, and his children did not become "the best of the good", but "the bad of the bad". Later, the father recognized his life orientation and began to change, using humor to resolve mistakes, sometimes deliberately, and using family meetings to communicate with the children and finally turn the situation around.
People who take comfort as their orientation in life usually try their best to avoid pain and stress in life, they often "can sit and never stand, can lie down and never sit", how to be comfortable. This often makes the child responsive, unconsciously becomes the doting of the child, and the child cannot develop life skills, no sense of responsibility, but the back is laborious and thankless. Mrs. Carter was like this, originally thinking that she would be comfortable if she met the child's requirements, but the child's requirements became more and more unreasonable, and she became more and more irritable. When she understood her life orientation, she used family meetings + natural results, such as morning problems, sleeping problems, going home and walking that way, when to take a bath, etc.
People whose life orientation is to please, they are afraid of rejection and isolation, and thus try to please others at the slightest unease, which is sometimes annoying, while children will be unappreciative and inconsiderate, and worst of all, follow them as "flatterers" when they grow up. Mr. Smith is one of these people, he spends a lot of energy to please anyone but himself, grandparents, teachers, neighbors... The children were often pleased by him until they broke up in the end, and he held a family meeting with a skeptical discussion, discussing "everyone is an independent being", and was surprised to find that the family atmosphere has completely changed. Later, this father really experienced the joy of being a father.
The book is 273,000 words and 12 chapters, and Jane Nelson is a teacher herself, so she also wrote a lot of space to teachers. In terms of sales, more than 4 million copies have been sold in the United States alone, which is enough to show its gold content. It is also this series that takes the most time and the most PPT. It can be said that "Positive Discipline" combines two books, optimizes more practical tools through practice, and its authority not only enters family education, but also enters school education. It is important to note that in order to achieve the long-term effects of positive discipline, it may be necessary to go through a more chaotic stage first. Jane Nelson repeats that "things tend to get worse before they get better", in addition to the classic quote "Children have strong perception, but poor reading skills", which is a mandatory final test.
The road to education is long, and the herons are always with you! We'll see you in the next issue.
Resources:
"Positive Discipline"