To what extent can men understand women?
At the end of February, in Beijing, a training course called "Men's Durban" began. The founders are men, and the training is attended by men, and it promotes the equal sharing of family and social responsibilities between men and women.
The name "male Durban" is to attract attention, said Fang Gang, the founder and gender scholar.
"Houlang Research Institute" can't wait to send our "male pacesetter" Director Li as a trainee to go undercover "male Durban". From housework to childbirth to parenting, Director Li came to a gender reversal and immersed himself in the experience for three days.
What did Director Li gain from this short undercover? Can this class really improve the level of "male morality"? Welcome to view the video on the WeChat Channels of Houlang Research Institute and watch the "Male Durban" scene.
Although the scene is a bit chaotic and the curriculum is slightly superficial, it is an interesting "social experiment" that explores gender equality.
In addition, we also had an unexpected gain, we made a good friend of the 00s, Guo Yang. The boy was called to male Durban by his girlfriend Jiang Lan. The other men who come to the class are fathers and husbands, hoping to go further in family roles, only Guo Yang, who came here purely to "empathize" women.
After communicating with the couple, we learned more: as a woman, Jiang Lan has encountered many offenses and injustices since she was a child, and she found it difficult to explain to her boyfriend Guo Yang, "He seems to have no perception of this part." This made Jiang Lan angry, "Why do I understand, why don't you understand?" This is the most direct incentive for Guo Yang to enroll in "Men's Durban".
Through "Male Durban", in today's noisy and noisy voice of diverse voices, this young couple frankly and courageously explores gender issues.
This is a romantic battle between men and women, and a close head-to-head showdown.
New Youth Proving Ground, experiential gathering place, to find and record the "WOW Humans" that dilate your pupils, here is the second issue of the new column "WOW Humans" of the "Houlang Research Institute".
"Loud" empathy
In less than a minute, a water bag of about seven catties and wrapped in a red nylon bag was entangled in Guo Yang's belly. The light rope tie was not enough to fit, and the scotch tape was wrapped around the waist a few more times.
Now I feel it. The weight around his waist reminds him that he is now a pregnant woman who is four months pregnant. Going to the toilet, eating, resting, no matter what he does, he will be with this "fetus" for the next 6 hours, and he must not remove it halfway. "There is a strange feeling", especially when tying his shoelaces and picking up things, Guo Yang obviously felt strained.
One weekend in late February, in the large conference room of an old-fashioned hotel in Beijing's Dongcheng district, Guo Yang and 14 other male classmates were taking a "male virtue class." The course lasts three days. It was the second day, they were to experience pregnancy and childbirth, and from 9:30 a.m., each person had 6-10 pounds of water balls of varying weight tied to their stomachs.
At 4 p.m., it was finally time to "unload". The scene was chaotic for a while.
"Oh, I'm about to see my head!" The "midwife" played by the course instructor cheered on the side, and another man played the husband holding his hand and lying on the "delivery bed" composed of three stools, he subconsciously cooperated, the whole body exerted strength, but the brain was a little confused, what should I do next?
Male Durban trainees experience pregnancy
The other students were shouting and exerting themselves here, but Guo Yang was embarrassed, he felt that he "couldn't act". As the only post-00s graduate student in this class studying nuclear physics at a 985 university in Beijing, giving birth was his absolute blind spot, and he tried to search his mind for any valid information that could help him complete this labor.
At this time, he suddenly remembered that his girlfriend had described to her the scene of a woman's childbirth, "The vagina was torn, the belly was cut, and the doctor took the child out with his hand." ”
Lying on the chair, staring at the ceiling, students and lecturers coming and going around, the noisy scene made him experience the "feeling of having no dignity and being slaughtered by others". He later recalled, "There was a wonderful empathy, feeling like a woman who had just given birth and was being watched."
"Good Partner and Good Father: All Participation in the Male Growth Workshop" is the full name of this "Male Durban". In 2015, coinciding with the popularity of "Female Durban", Fang Gang held a session of "Male Durban", calling on men to participate in housework and take care of children. After 7 years, the discussion of gender issues has become more intense, and Fang Gang decided to start the class again.
The three-day course includes challenging gender stereotypes, reflecting on the harm of machismo, fighting domestic violence, housework and caring for family members, infant and toddler care techniques, and more.
Most of the participants this time are middle-aged men who are married and have children, and there is a post-60s generation who has become a grandfather. Guo Yang is the youngest of them.
Lines from the TV series "Son-in-law"
The opening information was told to him by his girlfriend Jiang Lan. Jiang Lan is studying for a master's degree in psychology at another 211 university in Beijing, and one of her elective courses is taught by Fang Gang. She suggested that Guo Yang also go to class.
Shouldn't it be those "unethical" men who have had egregious behaviors such as domestic violence that need to attend classes? At first, Guo Yang felt that male Durban had nothing to do with him. After Jiang Lan's serious explanation, Guo Yang agreed.
His further thought is to experience the gender debate that is so easily fermented on the Internet, "I want to see what face-to-face communication is like." When you experience it face to face, you can have some real physical and psychological feelings."
The real reaction from the body, in the first lesson, gave him a small shock.
In an interactive session on masculinity, the teacher asked the men to look at each other affectionately three times in pairs for 10 seconds, 20 seconds, and 30 seconds.
Guo Yang's object was Fang Gang. When facing the division commander who was much older than him and extremely dignified, Guo Yang's eyes were a little evasive, and it was difficult to show "affection". But in the last 30-second glance, he looked at Fang Gang's eyes for a long time, and he found that the other party's eyes were a little moist.
He rarely saw adult men showing tenderness. His first reaction was, was his eyes dry after looking at each other for a long time?
How can a man cry? Probably every boy was raised in this way. When he was a child, because he was afraid to go out alone to take out the garbage when it was dark, he would be taught by his mother: "Why don't you dare? If you're a girl, I'll go with you, but you're a guy."
Male Durban reciting Nancy Smith's poem "As Long as There Is One Woman"
In class, he and his middle-aged male classmates studied a poem: As long as there is a woman who hates the stereotype of "emotional woman", there must be a man who can cry freely and show tenderness.
There is also a lesson on parent-child reading. The teacher sent Guo Yang and his companions 5 picture books, each of which is a story between the father and the child. Guo Yang suddenly realized that he had never experienced such a scene when he was a child, and every time his mother accompanied him to study, or his grandmother, "Why are women taking me to study, dad?"
What do you feel?
Every day after class, Guo Yang will be asked by his girlfriend Jiang Lan, what do you feel?
Gender discussion is one of the daily topics between this young couple. Jiang Lan is often the initiator. A while ago, when the dialogue video of "Peking University Dormitory Chat× Chizuko Ueno" set off a discussion on the whole network, Jiang Lan showed the video to Guo Yang, and the two almost quarreled because of their disagreements, and later found that the two sides watched different half episodes.
On the night he proposed to go to the male Durban, it was also after a discussion on the topic of gender, Jiang Lan proposed: "I want you to seriously consider the matter (of male Durban), this topic is quite important to the two of us."
There was no struggle. After all, Guo Yang's living environment has been close to women since he was a child. When he was a child, his father was away from home for a long time, and he grew up with his mother and was close to several aunts and cousins. In his impression, his mother has the decision-making power of major events at home, buying a car and a house, and she has the final say.
As a native of Shandong, he was faintly aware of the differential treatment caused by gender differences. When he went to a relative's house for dinner, he felt "a little uncomfortable" when women could not be served at the table. The same went to the big city to study graduate school and work hard, he was greatly supported by his family, but the same excellent cousin was discouraged, "Don't read so many books, hurry up and work and get married."
Source: Visual China
But what does it feel like to be a woman? Now, he has the most superficial, direct experience.
The closest opposite sex around him to have these feelings is very important for Jiang Lan. "I feel that these moments of feeling have a temperature. A lot of times when we talk about women's dilemmas, he discusses it with me with his mind and reason, but because he has these simulated experiences, even if it's just a little loose, it will create more empathy for experience in our future conversations."
Jiang Lan is 3 years older than Guo Yang. Born in a patriarchal family in Guangxi, her mother and everything with her had to be arranged by her father, and from a young age, she had to get his consent to dress and even cut a hairstyle. After college, she went on a frenzy to buy many slip dresses that she had never worn.
Growing up, she suffered a lot of offense from boys her age. In junior high school, two male classmates sitting in the back row would secretly talk about her, "She has a good figure, but it's a pity that she has such a face"; Grow up a little more, after dating a few boyfriends, you will be ridiculed by boys with a different expression, "very coquettish", "you must be very good".
When she told these experiences to her boyfriend Guo Yang, she found another dilemma, "I found that he didn't seem to perceive this part, so I was angry." I wonder why I understand, why don't you understand." This is the direct reason why Jiang Lan suggested Guo Yang to go to male Durban, "He needs to feel the hot reality with me."
Male Durban is discussing the criteria for a "good dad"
At first, Guo Yang would be uncomfortable, "Maybe your views are inconsistent with mine, which affects my values." But he chose to listen to her, "understand why you say that." Later, it may slowly merge into your own ideas."
These ideas are also reflected in the study of men in Durban.
One day during a discussion about "gender conflict" in class, a post-60s male classmate shared his experience of quarreling with his wife and getting angry. He was tired when he came home from a long day of work, but his wife always kept nagging, and at this time he had the urge to get angry, because he felt that his wife had done wrong first and did not understand his hard work at all.
But Guo Yang took the initiative to put forward a point of view, which is not a question of right or wrong, but just a collision of values. "In your values, when you are tired, you can't listen to other people's nagging. But from your wife's point of view, she may be worried about whether you have eaten, washed or washed, and she has not had the opportunity to talk to you all day, and she will also have emotional dissatisfaction."
He advises people around him who are more than 30 years older than him, "What you need is to understand her emotions, not just annoy him nagging." The other party was stunned and did not speak again.
Men's Durban "Communication Class"
In the male Durban, Guo Yang often feels the differences between generations or between the same sex on gender topics. It is also a rare experience in his daily life.
The discussion with his girlfriend was in full swing, and Guo Yang did not tell the classmates about the class. In his circle of classmates, boys rarely take the initiative to discuss gender topics, and he can even imagine the rejection of some boys, "If they knew, the first sentence would definitely ask you, why do you want to participate in this kind of thing?" ”
Ants gnaw bones
At the end of the three-day men's virtue class, Guo Yang gave his performance a score of 61. "Above the passing line, but humble, there is definitely a lot of room for improvement."
The "theory" of male Durban began to be applied. For example, the housework problem that gives them the most headaches.
In their rental house, Jiang Lan is always the one who "has work in her eyes", she is used to folding quilts every day and cleaning the house, but Guo Yang is more "sloppy", he wants to clean once a month. For Guo Yang's "no work in his eyes", Jiang Lan sometimes thinks that girls should be diligent and tidy, is it also shaped by society?
After the men's virtue class, they talked seriously about the sharing of household chores. Guo Yang told Jiang Lan: "I will also feel angry when I hear that you always criticize me for not doing a good job in hygiene, because in fact, I have tried my best to do what you asked. I want to be affirmed, but if you don't, I will also feel wronged."
This is exactly what male Durban taught: not to blame "you", but to convey "me" feelings.
Jiang Lan sometimes reflects, "Is it that you are too strong and don't see the other party's feelings?"
But she found that Guo Yang had a strong core: "He went to the experiment at 9 a.m., and came back at 10 p.m. to read an all-English document there." When other things are anxious, he can focus on his experiments. His core also gave me some confidence, and he can accept it if I do this, and if he really doesn't want to accept it, he will refute it."
Source: Visual China
For housework, now they have found the most comfortable way for both sides to deal with it, as long as Jiang Lan starts to work, Guo Yang will also move, when Jiang Lan mops the floor, he will go downstairs to take out a garbage, the garbage is finished, and Jiang Lan's work is also finished.
But for the younger generation of couples, the greater conflict between marriage and childbirth cannot be solved by the last male virtue class.
According to the "Civil Affairs Statistics by Province Data for the Fourth Quarter of 2021" released by the Ministry of Civil Affairs, the marriage registration data in China in 2021 was 7.636 million, setting a record low for marriage data released by the Ministry of Civil Affairs since 1986. Marital gender-based violence, workplace discrimination and reproductive difficulties have become some of the reasons why young women are "afraid of marriage and childbirth".
After dating for more than a year, once, Jiang Lan told Guo Yang on a whim, "If we don't get married, we can be together for a lifetime." Guo Yang's expression changed, "Something is wrong."
Jiang Lan was curious, obviously he is an older person who should have marriage anxiety, why would Guo Yang, a post-00s generation, subconsciously think that "not getting married" is a strange thing?
Jiang Lan attributed this to men's instinctive desire to get married, "It can be later or earlier, but you must get married." It seems that controlling women's reproductive rights is imprinted in their bones." Guo Yang's feeling is that marriage is still a mainstream choice at present, and if you don't get married, it's a different thing.
Guo Yang is the only son in the family, in the traditional Shandong family, inheritance is still an unchangeable concept, Guo Yang's father once told him: "I am the eldest son in the family, you too, you must give us a son in the future, but you will enter the ancestral hall in the future."
Source: Visual China
Every time he heard such words, Guo Yang pursued the strategy of "left ear in right ear out", gently prevaricating the past, he replied, "What age is it now, giving birth to boys and girls is the same."
Unlike Guo Yang's temper, Jiang Lan is tougher, and she will strongly express her dissatisfaction. "If my relationship with him is to be made public on a larger scale, such as meeting my parents, I will feel that if he is weak in front of his parents, he will not be on the same front as me."
Change doesn't happen overnight. Fang Gang said in an interview with the media: "This is an ant's work to gnaw bones, it must be very long. We are fighting the influence of thousands of years of patriarchy, and this cannot be rushed. I also don't expect a cadet to study here for three days and become a gender equality revolutionary. I've traveled decades to get here."
But change is happening. Guo Yang summed up his course feelings and said that although there was no subversive impact and change, he felt that his "inner strength" had increased, and he had taken the initiative to communicate with Jiang Lan on gender topics.
They also plan to record a conversation podcast to record the surprises, touches and small improvements they experienced over the course of three days, a sincere exploration that both young people had.
(At the request of interviewees, Guo Yang is a pseudonym.) The cover image is from the stills of "Hello Old Times". ）
This article is from the WeChat public account
"Houlang Research Institute" (ID: youth36kr)
, authors: Qiu Yumin, Yang Liu, 36Kr published with permission.