Educational psychology has described the sense of security as follows: the sense of security is related to the happiness of the child's life, and whether he has a strong heart to face one unknown after another in life.
As a parent, love alone is not enough. All the qualities and energy in the child are cultivated in the family atmosphere, and the parents' words and deeds will enter the child's subconscious. To love children, we must pay attention to the cultivation of children's sense of security, so that children have enough security, which is the best gift for parents to give children.
I'm glad that when I became a mother, I had a little bit of psychological common sense, and I was ready for this gift for my child.
Psychology tutorials can teach us how to help children build a sense of security, but in daily life, it is difficult for us to copy one by one according to the requirements of textbooks.
In my own way, I did a few "no" words, avoided some of the mistakes that some people often make, and helped the child establish an initial sense of security.
I don't scare kids. The courage of the child is not what we tell him to be brave, and the timid child is all frightened by the parents. Teacher Qu Limin once explained a phenomenon: Is there anyone who can collapse in front of Tarzan without chaos? The answer is yes, and that's babies. Some people may say that it is because the baby does not understand, yes, the baby is born without knowing what is called fear, there is a natural concentration, because the child's courage is the most abundant.
My daughter, like me, is bolder and doesn't have that word in our everyday language.
When she was in elementary school, one night, a little boy from the neighbor's house was playing at my house, and when it was time to go home, the child said timidly:
"Auntie, I'm afraid of the dark, you send me home." In fact, his home is upstairs, and there are lights in the corridor, but the child himself does not dare to go out at night.
I looked at my daughter and said, "Baby, are you going to send him?" My daughter accepted the task without hesitation, and when I came back I saw that she was a little proud, I knew she was happy with herself, and I affirmed her performance.
I don't threaten children, I don't say "if you're okay or not, I don't love you, or I don't want you anymore"
When my daughter was about 5 years old, we were both busy with work, and we planned to send our children to our hometown for a while, and I asked her very seriously:
"Baby, Mom and Dad have been busy lately, Mom is going on a business trip for a while, send you back to your hometown, you play with your aunt's little sister, mom will pick you up when she comes back from a business trip", the daughter gladly accepted.
People in the hometown have a bad habit and like to tease children and say, "Does your mother not want you?" Oops, your mom doesn't want you anymore! ”
Whenever someone asks this, the daughter always says with full confidence: "My mother is on a business trip, and my mother will come back from a business trip to pick me up", and the child is not worried at all.
Coincidentally, a friend told me that once she took her son to the mall and stored the child in the mall amusement park, and when the two of them came back from shopping, the child had cried into tears. The aunt who takes care of the child told her that your son said: "My mother said that she didn't want me, but this time she really didn't want me!" ”。 Looking at the child's pitiful appearance, the friend felt quite ashamed.
I don't blame, I don't blame my children, and I don't compare myself to other people's children.
When my daughter grew up, no matter what happened to me, she would tell me that I used to proudly say that there was barrier-free communication between us. No matter how innocent the child's words are, I listen carefully, feel her joy with her, her troubles, and face her confusion together. Help her sort out her ideas and explore ways to solve problems.
When she was a child, she often asked me when she encountered unsure questions: "Mom, did you do the same when you were a child?" ”
I would tell her that I might be like this, or not as good as you, and I would tell her about my troubles when I was a child, and let her feel that some of her performances might not be good enough, but she didn't have to care too much, because moms are like this, and other people may also have various situations, avoid inferiority complex, and embrace everything about the child with unconditional love.
Once, she lost the keys to her house, and she thought it was a great thing, and she cried in shame, and I put my arms around me and coaxed me to say:
"It doesn't matter, let's go to the school first."
"So what if I can't find it?" She was obviously concerned about the safety of her family.
"Let's look for it first, and if we can't find it, we'll change the lock." The child listened to it with a lot of ease.
We went to the school together, looked for classrooms and nearby and the road we passed, but didn't find it. We told the school teacher about this, and the next day the child came home from school and told me happily:
"The key was found! Some classmates picked it up and handed it to the school, and it was the teacher who told me to go and get it back."
Through this small thing, we can do the following: good emotional interaction, think of ways to deal with things instead of worrying, and take a step back and have a solution.
My daughter's academic performance is not bad, not the best in the class, but relatively stable. I remember that when she was in junior high school, there was a stage where the first and second ranking candidates in their class changed several rounds, and her third position remained for several semesters. She was a little dissatisfied with her grades, but we said to her:
"Your results are good, we are satisfied, just work hard." Her dad also said:
"Your current grades don't explain anything, the questions you can't do now, after a while you will feel that it will be easy, and when you grow up, you will think that these are too simple." 」
We don't put too much pressure on our kids.
As long as my child is happy, I leave the learning matters to herself. Every morning when the child carries his school bag to go to school, I will say goodbye to her at the door with full of love, always following the sentence: "Baby, happy!" ", never talk about listening to lectures or anything like that.
I believe that every child is self-motivated, and when her self-esteem is fully respected, the inner energy will be stimulated by love and she knows what to do.
In the TV series "The World of Man", Shui Ziliu said to Zhou Bingkun, "You gave him a sense of security", which is to say to Zhou Nan. This sentence seems to be an understatement, and it contains an important psychological principle. A sense of security is invisible and untouchable, but it contains great power.
Children have enough sense of security, they will have stable emotions, maintain calm thinking; will bravely choose their own direction and goals, not afraid of failure; can objectively evaluate themselves, calmly communicate with others, full of expectations for the future, warm and powerful inside.