Text/Tatsuyu
Level II Psychological Counselor Emotional Mentor
This is the first lesson in our series on saving an ex, and the theme of this lesson is how to deal with emergencies after a breakup.
Why don't we talk directly about how to salvage, and how to deal with emergencies to the first lesson.
Because, learning to deal with emergencies can alleviate the fierce emotions and contradictions when you break up with each other for the first time, and can also make your recovery not become more and more rigid.
Based on the cases of my brothers who consulted me before, I found that many of our brothers handled the wrong way after each other proposed a breakup.
A lot of people are basically on the wrong path. As a result, it is getting harder and harder to get back.
In addition, learning emergency treatment can allow you to lay a good foundation for the first time to save later.
Because, when you break up, the other party's impression of you is already in a negative position, so leaving a better impression on the other party from the beginning of the breakup is also a good start for the future recovery.
Emergency response is divided into three steps. The first step is to identify with the other person's emotions.
Because the other party has already made up her mind when she proposes to break up with you, she can propose a breakup to show that she has been thinking about it for a long time and has thought it through.
At this time, you go to beg her not to break up, or to convince her, she can't listen. So, instead of confronting her, it's better to go along with her.
We all know how to pet a cat, and if you go and pick up the cat's fur backwards, you see how it reacts. The cat will get angry and may also grab you and run away. If you follow its fur, will it be very well-behaved and docile?
In fact, when the girl breaks up, she is angry with the cat, and at this time we go to her, which is obviously boring.
Let's say when she tells you we're not a good fit, let's break up.
At that time, the general way of dealing with many brothers is, please don't leave me, what is wrong with me, I change, or do you really not love me? Wait, similar sensational words.
Or some brothers will immediately make a phone call or play a voice, and then the other party will not answer, and then continue to fight, and the result will be directly deleted and blocked by the other party.
These are all ways to handle errors.
So, what is the right way to deal with it? At this time, all we have to do is identify, identify with her decisions, her emotions.
If it were me, when a woman told me to break up, I would tell her that if you have already decided, then I respect your decision and wish you happiness. OK, that's it.
Some brothers may have to ask at this time, you agree to break up at this time, aren't the two people really out of the play?
This is not the case, most people, when emotionally, she will not, and can not listen to other people's advice or other people's opinions.
When you plead with her at this time and reason with her, you are playing the piano to the cow, and you are also wasting your own saliva.
The right thing to do at this time is that you either identify with the other person's emotions or silently disappear in front of her eyes, so that her agitated emotions and resistance are lowered.
Moreover, there is an act related to the subsequent redemption.
There is an effect in psychology called the recency effect, what does it mean, the written explanation is to say that when multiple stimuli appear at once, the formation of impressions depends mainly on the stimuli that appear later.
That is to say, in the process of communication, our latest understanding of others occupies the main position, covering up the evaluation of others formed in the past.
In layman's terms, even if your previous relationship is good, when you break up, if you do something very low-value, some pestering behavior, some behavior that makes the other party very disgusted.
Then, at this time, the impression formed by these behaviors will offset the good impression you left in her mind before, and the impression of you in her heart after that is more negative.
The other person is the same, especially when you break up, one of the ways you deal with it at this time, your reaction, the other person will remember very clearly for a long time afterwards.
So it is very important to make a good impression on the other party during this time period.
There is another psychological effect involved here, called the end-of-end effect. What does that mean? That is to say, we are always very impressed by the first and last thing or event that appears.
Putting it on two people in love, that is to say, this impression when you two first met, and this impression when you broke up, is very impressive for both of you.
Can you imagine that?
You will be impressed by the sweet romantic things you did when you first met, and you will remember them very clearly.
Of course, it also includes the back and forth between the two of you when you break up, and the negative reactions of the other party to you, which you will remember deeply.
On the contrary, you will have a vague impression of what happened when you were in love and when you were together.
So for the breakup, these behaviors you do at the time of the breakup, for the other party, these impressions are very deep.
If you have made some low-value behavior, then it will exist in the impression of the other party for a long time.
So, that's one of the reasons why some people are slow to make progress. Because the other party has a deeper negative impression of you, it is slower to eliminate.
Therefore, we identify with each other's emotions and decisions, and for each other, there is no pressure on the other party. Moreover, our behavior will also make the other party's psychology feel a sense of gap.
The other person will think, eh, how come he is not as entangled as others? How could he be so cheerful? At this time, the other party does not have that psychological advantage.
Because your behavior like this has shown that you have no sense of need for her, you do not have a sense of need, the other party will not use this sense of need to elevate their status, understand?
When you are redeemed, do you often encounter when you talk to each other, feel that the other party is on top, or, if you say a word that is not right, the other party will immediately get angry and will not take into account your feelings at all.
Why?
It is because these low-value behaviors you have done in the process of redemption have released a strong sense of need, so the other party can ignore you with such fanfare.
This is like buying and selling goods, this is the seller's market, because you have a demand for it, so the other party can sit on the ground and start the price, and you can only passively accept.
Some people ask what are low-value behaviors and what are low-value behaviors?
Low-value behavior after a breakup means that, such as: pestering, pleading, kneeling and licking, sending small essays, constantly calling and harassing, information bombardment, looking for each other's relatives and friends to persuade, threatening each other in a self-harm manner, etc., a series of behaviors that make the other party feel uncomfortable, are low-value behaviors.
Okay, let's move on to emergency response. Just now we talked about the first step, identifying with each other's emotions. So, what is the second step?
The second step is to open up appropriate social distancing and leave room for both parties to calm down.
The purpose of this is not only to prevent you from making mistakes later, but also to give the other party room to think.
Because feelings are a matter of two people, when the other person is emotionally superior, she will not think rationally.
So proper calm is good for both parties, and it is also good for your recovery, because if this social distance is not pulled apart and you appear in front of her frequently, she will feel that you are very annoyed.
Have you ever noticed that if a very annoying person appears in front of you, or appears in your social space, you will feel that you don't want to see him, right? It's the same thing.
Because couples get along, it is itself a branch of interpersonal communication. When you break up, the relationship reverts to a normal social relationship between people.
Do you think about it?
You a man. And the other party is angry at this time, or emotionally, if you bother him again at this time, frequently dangling in front of him.
You said the other person would be discouraged, surely not? So it's the same thing.
And this kind of social distancing is not just through time to reduce the other party's antipathy and resistance. At the same time, it will also make the other party think about the relationship between you.
Because by doing this behavior, let the other party feel that your attitude is different from the previous relationship, that you have the quality, and can respect her ideas.
At that time, the girl's feelings about you are different, she will think, with my understanding of him, he will pestering me and annoying me before, why not this time? How to deal with it so mature this time?
We need to know that women's ideas are a lot of changes, but there is one thing that is always changing: we first act under the premise of respecting girls.
Only the rescue behavior under the premise of considering the feelings of the other party can make the girl really feel respected, and can the girl alleviate or reduce the negative impression of us.
And we have many brothers who, when they are redeemed, are following their own feelings, how they want to do it, they just consider their own feelings, and the ugly point is selfishness.
What will the girl think when she encounters these behaviors you have done?
She will feel that even at this time you will not consider my feelings, it seems that I broke up with you is right, this breakup did not do wrong.
Therefore, opening up a proper social space can not only prevent you from continuing to make mistakes, but also allow the other party to rationally think about the relationship between you, which is good for later redemption.
Because when it comes to redemption, one of the most basic principles we have is not to ask you to do well, but at least you can't continue to make mistakes.
Because every wrong step you take will aggravate the negative impression of the other party on you, which will increase the difficulty of recovery and prolong the time of recovery.
So how long does it take to pull away the social space? This time, according to our actual tests, is more appropriate in four to seven days.
It doesn't matter if you break up really or fakely. After the breakup, if you want to carry out a rescue action, you must pull open up this appropriate social space and then act again.
As for why, this explanation is a long story, and I will not explain it too much here, because it has little to do with the theme of our lesson.
I can only tell you that this is an act based on the causes of people's psychological mechanisms, and you only need to understand the number of days here.
OK, the second step is over, let's move on to the third step of emergency response. Just have a good mindset.
Because a good mindset is not only a time of redemption, but also a crucial core factor in the relationship between the sexes.
Let me give you an example. We often see people with a positive mindset thinking about things more optimistically when doing things. And the people around him will also be infected by his emotions and like to be with such people.
And if a person who often has negative emotions will always think of things very negatively and pessimistically. Such a person, who has been together for a long time, will not be welcomed by the people around him.
In the redemption is the same, many brothers will think of a lot of things very pessimistic, will continue to amplify many of the girls' behavior, amplify this negative effect, and then, their own trembling.
Such a psychological state first reflects that he is not confident, and a person who is not confident cannot be well recovered or cannot handle the relationship between the sexes.
Because in a relationship between the sexes. The other party loves a confident, powerful person, in other words, an unconfident person does not even love himself, so why does the other party love you?
Moreover, a person with a good mentality, when redeemed, will do more with less, because they are more optimistic about the future, and they will face it with a positive attitude when doing many things, and they are not afraid of blows.
And some brothers, once the girl has a bad reaction, more pessimistic, and then will continue to have negative thoughts, and then think of the girl's feedback to a bad place, so that they can handle it more badly, and then, then continue to make mistakes.
This creates a vicious circle.
Of course, all of this I have said runs through our entire redemption process, but this good mentality that I want to talk about today.
The main point is what is that many of us, he does not know how to adjust his mentality. Because of his chaotic thinking, he will always fall into the box of love and the box of breaking up.
And what is a really good mindset?
It is only a matter of taking this breakup as something you have experienced during your long-term love journey, or a little contradiction.
So at this time, I have to find a way to solve such a contradiction, and find a way to make our love last longer?
Then, when you really look at this thing with this mentality, you will feel that the things in front of you are different.
You will face this matter with the mentality of repairing feelings, instead of breaking up, I will go to the mood of begging Daddy to tell Grandma to save.
Therefore, the reason why many of us have always had this pessimistic mentality in our hearts is because he himself feels that he has broken up and the two people have ended.
And if you look at this thing with the mentality I just said about repairing feelings, then when you face girls, your whole person's state is different.
You may feel that there may be times when I don't do it well, or what I'm doing wrong. OK, you may face it with a sincere, positive attitude of improvement.
Then girls will feel your emotions, feel your attitude, these two feelings are completely different.
And girls will also give you consistently good feedback. I don't know if you can understand it.
OK, about the emergency treatment after the breakup of this lesson, the content is almost like this, if it is useful to you, don't forget to like the collection Oh, we will see you in the next lesson.
Note: The above content is for reference only, because everyone's situation is different, and it is only a general direction written out, which does not mean that the application method represents a certain success. In order to avoid mistakes, it is best to find a professional teacher to do one-on-one guidance, so as not to affect the success rate because of mistakes.